Beta'd By Beirbeck (Trust - that is a good thing!)
Pre read by Spunky who assured me you just might like this chapter.
Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.
Not owned by me but by some lucky bitch with the initial's of S.M.
~*X*~
Dreams are wishes your heart makes.
~*X*~
After sleeping a few more hours, I finally got up out of the bed and ate some left-overs that were in my refrigerator. Then I took two Tylenol PM's because I swear I felt like shit. I prayed that I wasn't getting sick and that it was just from me sleeping too much, having an empty stomach and last nights alcohol.
Ew.
I set the sleep button on my iHome so I could go to sleep listening to my music and crawled back into bed. The last time I had slept this much was when I left Mike after my miscarriage. It was my body's way of coping. Stupid, I know. Probably in better terms it was how I dealt with shit, sleep – don't worry--avoidance. It never works.
I dozed off thinking about what I was going to say to Edward about my behavior last night.
Sometime during the wee hours of the night I heard a light tapping from my front door again. This was becoming a pattern, as long as it was always Edward, I wouldn't complain. My clock read 2:47 a.m. The loft was dark, the moonlight dimly shining in through the closed blinds. I peeked out the little hole in my door. I couldn't make out anything but a silhouette, yet it was a familiar one.
I opened the door in the darkness, not even bothering with the light. He stood tall and lean, his shadow blocking the entire door. My heart thundered against my chest at just his presence here. My thoughts ran wild. Why? How? Yes? No?
I let go of my inhibitions, my safe logic no longer mattered. I longed for him. I needed his touch as much as a rainbow needs the mist and the sun to mingle to compose its wonder. He stood quiet and still, neither of us muttering a word.
Whatever had changed his mind and brought him back to Seattle from Forks didn't matter to me. His impromptu return was no surprise, the way my body called out for him in his absence, he really had no choice.
Without moving my feet, I reached out for him, one palm flat against the door frame, the other lacing with his outstretched hand.
Once they met, the abstruse sparks caused my lips to part as my breath increased with anticipation. He stepped through the door and sharply closed it without ever leaving my grasp.
The space between us became nonexistent as our bodies molded together once again. His touch soft yet possessive.
He spun me around so my back was now against the closed door. His warm fingers traced the open collar of my shirt, following the material down to meet the buttons. Slowly, teasingly releasing one button after the other. The pad of his fingers grazing my skin haphazardly each time. My shirt soon fell open, barely sliding down my shoulders exposing my skin that cried out for his touch.
His mouth met the thin lace of my bra as he licked and nibbled at my breast. I whimpered as my hands found his hair to grab him and hold him tighter to me. He groaned at the sensation of my fingertips clawing the nape of his neck, which in turn fueled the desire that burned in my sex.
I pulled his head from my chest and repaid the favor by tediously stripping his shirt and placing warm, open-mouthed kisses on his well defined chest. I traced the outline of his abs with my fingertips and smiled as he shivered under my touch. I ventured lower, appeasing my lust with a gentle brush of my fingers to the tip of the hard bulge in his pants.
His warm hands reached up to grip each side of my face, guiding me in closer. Our lips meeting, mapping, remembering, familiarizing with the other. Acquainting the only way they knew how-with fervent passion.
The naked skin of his chest touched mine, strong and heated. I silently begged for hours to just be able to touch it.
Our kiss began slow and then built up so fast we had to break for air and for our balance. I gently pushed at his chest with both hands making him step backwards until his calves came in contact with the edge of the couch causing him to sit down quickly.
I let my shirt fall completely to the floor as I stood before him in just my underwear. The black of the night still blinded me from seeing the strong angles of his face. I stepped closer to him, placing one bended knee on each side of his lap straddling him.
I don't know if he had a plan, but my intentions were clear. I wanted him. Now.
I slowly lowered myself onto him and brought him as close as I could. I let my fingers search his body for his collar bone. I then felt my way up each side of his neck and once again buried my hands into his hair. I fucking loved to finger this man's hair.
He leaned forward placing each hand on my naked thighs holding me to him. I let my head fall back as he pelted my exposed chest bone with searing kisses. Leisurely his perfect, pink lips made their way up my neck before settling on the outer edge of my lobe.
His lips moved but I heard no sound.
I leaned my head closer into him trying to decipher his mumblings.
His breath against my sensitive ear caused me to tremble. I felt the trickle of my wetness seep into the cloth of my undies.
I fought the urge to rub myself against him, my body so eager to invite, accept, greet his.
I lost the battle and tried to appease the burn in between my legs by grinding into him. The friction only made me want more. The material stretched between us inhibited my need to feel him skin-on-skin.
I once again felt his lips move against my ear. I honed into what he was trying to say. I silenced my moans and whimpers. I stopped dry humping his crotch and I leaned into his ear.....
"Ain't no rest for the wicked..."
"Holy Shit!"
I sat straight up in my bed drenched in sweat with an unsatisfied ache throbbing in my va-jay-jay. My Blackberry ring tone singing to me--on a freaking Saturday morning. Damn you Renee!
~*~
I passed the long, boring weekend hours by trying to not look at the clock... or my watch... or my cell. I ate too much. I watched a ridiculous amount of romantic comedies on Netflix. Always the happy ending kind too, none of that Nights in Rodanthe crap where the lover dies. Why would they even make such a movie? Where is the happily ever after people?!
I also slept. A lot. I found myself going to bed around eight o'clock each night. Most nights I just cuddled up in my bed trying not to think or over-analyze or wonder. I couldn't forget the images in my mind from my steamy dream with Edward. My dreams about him used to be so G rated - but oh, not anymore! I used to vision us frolicking through a beautiful green meadow, dressed in old Victorian clothes. Ethan playing on a red and white checkered blanket with his crimson hair blowing in the breeze. We were holding hands, our gazes were long and intense and our kisses never stopped. There was no "we can't" or "we shouldn't." I wanted to live there – in my dreams, especially now that we had evolved to bumpin' and grindin' on my couch. Hot damn!
I am so dumb. And lonely.
~*~
After the longest weekend in the history of time, I sat there on the step outside my apartment building waiting on Edward and Ethan. Yes, I was a few minutes early, but the suspense was killing me. I had thought and thought and thought about what this surprise could be. I'm sure it was't much – it better not be much! Did I mention I hate surprises? I'm really just looking forward to seeing them both. I never thought four days was that long of a wait--until now. I just missed their company.
Keep telling yourself that.
I had to talk to Edward about our actions Thursday night. I didn't regret it, not in the least. We just couldn't make a habit out of it. I was afraid next time, we wouldn't stop.
God, I hope we don't stop.
No Bella! No next time.
Shit fire and save matches!
I was so conflicted, part of me wanted to throw caution to the wind and just go for it . Dating. Sex. Sex and dating. Whatever he was willing to give, I would take it. Then there was a bigger part of me that was just too scared. The chance of rejection. The possible heart ache. The complications. The repercussion of another failed relationship. There was where my weakness hid. When it comes to the opposite sex, I was a coward. The friendship Edward and I shared was more valuable than words could express, too precious to damage with my lust. Then there was the whole lawyer/client situation between us. If I was being honest with myself, and I'm usually not, I was hiding behind that excuse. What would I do when the case was finished? Would he even acknowledge me then? How would it affect us?
We had to talk.
Today.
I spent the day at the office yesterday lost in my thoughts. I stared for hours at Ethan's file lying on my desk. It had only been a month and his file was getting thicker by the day. The 'done' checklist in the front growing by the week. It was moving on quicker than I thought it would. There wasn't much holding us back besides receiving what we needed from the Russian government, their release of Ethan's citizenship. It was their acknowledgment that he was no longer bound by their laws, even though they didn't even recognize him as ever being born. Imbeciles.
Ten minutes and thirty nine seconds later I saw a familiar silver Volvo pull onto my street. I was a little nervous to say the least because first, there was this whole 'surprise'. Second, we had only briefly spoken since that night. Since Friday morning when he stopped by and then, everything was still so fresh, I hadn't had time to let it all sink in yet. Now, I had not been able to think of anything else.
Pathetic.
When the Volvo stopped, I jumped up and all but ran over to the passenger side, not even giving Edward time to get out and open my door, much less put the damn thing in park.
"Good morning."
"Good morning Edward," I said patting his chest as I turned on my seat to speak to Ethan, "and good morning to you handsome." I said as I tickled Ethan's knee.
"I see who you call handsome."
I shrugged.
"Why so excited? I thought you didn't like surprises."
"I don't, but I can't help it. It's A SURPRISE!" I wiggled in my seat as I buckled up and he drove off.
I noticed that Edward was not looking so good today. "Is there anything wrong? You look rough! How was your weekend at the beach?" I turned in my seat to face him more.
"I'm just tired. The first day and a half we were there, Ethan hated it. He wouldn't even let his feet touch the sand. He had to be carried all over the beach. Then I kinda made him walk on it and showed him how to build with castles and then we couldn't ever get him to come in. He. Wore. Me. Out." Edward huffed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"We don't have to do this surprise thing today you know. We could do it another day if you need to rest."
"No, we can't. Plus I want to do it. It's going to be fun. I'll be okay. Are you hungry?"
"Yes. I am."
Why all of a sudden my stomach clenched with nerves was beyond me. Maybe it was because I noticed we were driving down an unfamiliar street in Seattle and I didn't have a clue where we were going. Or maybe it was because I was going to have to initiate this conversation between us about the other night. Edward acted as though nothing ever happened and as nice as that might be, it did happen. We had to acknowledge it and move on.
Okay here goes nothing. "Edward we need to talk about the other night."
"Sure. What about it?"
Damn, he was regarding it as nothing. Did I read too much into it?
"I'm Sorr-."
"Don't apologize!" He cut me off.
"Why? I am. I drank too much and practically assaulted you."
"Maybe I liked it. Maybe I plan on getting you liquored up again today."
"What?!" Is he kidding?
Edward laughed. "I'm not going to. I'm joking, but I really don't want you to say you're sorry. I enjoyed it. I want to do it again soon."
Oh God, do I dare ask which part he wanted to do again? Did I even want to know?
Nope.
"Well, I did have fun. I loved hearing you three play and Alice was fun and Rose, well she was Rose. I was shocked by the way, about her and Emmett. Did you know about them?"
Edward shook his head. "Em had told me he was seeing someone but wouldn't tell me who. She lives in your building right?"
"Yes, we're friends, but I'm not done talking about us, don't change the subject." I pouted.
"Okay, but you are the one who changed the subject." He looked at me and flashed that boyish smile.
Don't do that.
I rolled my eyes. "Details-shmetails." I smiled before I took a deep breath. This was going to be the hard part for me to say.
"Look Edward, I care for you so much, you're one of my closest friends. I love spending time with you and Ethan. You two really are my life right now. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not attracted to you because I am. I've had a crush on you since high school practically..." I was looking down at my hands fiddling with the silver ring on my middle finger.
"Now that I know you personally, you are so much more than just that guy I liked back then. But... we can't push our boundaries. I have to focus on Ethan and I don't want anything to be in the way of that. We just can't."
"I know Bella." He didn't turn to look at me but his profile was serious. No smiles or reassurances.
"I'm just saying Edward, what if? What if something goes wrong with this adoption, if we had invested more, it would just ruin it."
"Please don't talk like that."
"I'm just speaking from my heart. Let's just... I don't know. I think us just being friends is the way to go right now. I don't want to mess that up. Don't you agree?"
I noticed we were pulling into a parking deck. There weren't many other cars around. There was a gate and a guard. Edward flashed him some kind of card and he let us through.
Edward pulled into a parking place and turned off the car. He turned to face me with one arm propped on the steering wheel. "Do you want me to be honest with you Bella?"
My heart began to pound harder with each word he spoke. "Please Edward, we need to talk about this."
His eyes darted around looking everywhere before they stilled on me, his whole bottom lip disappeared under his teeth, and he took a deep breath as I watched his chest rise and fall.
"Let me put it like this," his tone quiet and serious. "I know Jasper told you not to get involved with me other than friends while you are representing me, right?"
I quickly nodded my head.
"I know that to you, your job is your everything and I would never do anything to jeopardize your career."
Still nodding.
He licked his lips before he spoke again, "So that means.. that if what you want is for us to just be friends, then Bella, we'll just be friends."
My nodding slowed a little, his answer seemed so… cryptic.
While I was mulling over what he'd just said, I hadn't noticed he'd unbuckled and got out of the car. I blew out a puff of air as I reached over to release my own seat belt, but I stopped as my door quickly opened. Suddenly Edward was leaning over in front of me, his right hand on my buckle, his left on the edge of the back of my seat.
My vision was blocked with bronze silk and I was inhaling his clean scent. He leaned in closer and closer until I felt his nose touch my cheek and drag it's way over to my ear. His breath was minty and made my mouth water. I heard him suck on his teeth before he spoke in his quiet groveling voice, "but Bella, don't tempt me with your sultry kisses and tease me with your fuck me stares, because if you offer again, I won't turn you away. I'm nothing but a greedy man and I want.. more."
Click.
Whimper.
My seat belt fell away and he stepped away and out of my door. I heard the back door open and I think he was speaking to Ethan but....
Snap out of it!
More? Is that what he said? More? More what?!
Oh my god! I don't wanna know!
I slowly stumbled out of the Volvo still dazed, stumped, unsure and confused.
Edward stood holding Ethan, watching me as I shut my door and I looked around. He stepped closer, his head tilted down and a sly smirk on his face.
He placed my chin in between his finger and thumb and pulled my face toward him. "Tell me one thing, if I would have picked you up in the Vanquish this morning, would you still have been able to... resist me? Or would you have mauled me as soon as you got in?" Then he whispered, "You know, since you want me and all…"
Oh, he wants to joke does he?!
I slapped his arm. "Me? I'm not the one saying things like all "more and sultry and…what kind of stares did you say? I did that?"
"You asked Baby," he chuckled as he started walking toward the double doors that read 'PRIVATE SUITE ONLY.'
"Edward Cullen! You are an ASS!" I tried to sound angry but I was pretty sure I failed.
"Not in front of the kid, woman. Save it for later. I like it when you're hot and bothered." He wiggled his eyebrows looking back at me.
We stopped at the door and Edward rang the buzzer.
"You haven't seen anything yet," I pouted and crossed my arms.
"Where are we?" I whispered.
"We are at the Key Arena at the Seattle Center." Edward whispered back just as the door opened and a man in uniform asked if he could help us.
"Yes, sir. It's Cullen, party of three for the South Suite please."
"Yes, sir. Straight ahead, left at the end of the hall. It will be marked, the second door on your right. Have fun at the circus today Mr. and Mrs. Cullen."
My eyes grew big and I looked over at Edward who was suppressing his laugh. 'The circus?' I mouthed.
As we begin to walk Edward laughed. "Yes, Mrs. Cullen," He laughed for a few more steps before he was able to control himself. "SURPRISE! But it's not just any circus, Bella, it's the Greatest Show On Earth."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Oh, my little unknowing swan, I shall show you the world, but first you will be introduced to Barnum & Bailey's Circus, the greatest show on earth. The king of all circuses. Welcome to the wonder."
I followed as he turned down the hall toward our suite. "Do we have good seats?" I asked. It didn't matter to me, although if we are going to be high up I would have brought my binoculars.
"Here at the Key Arena, they have two private suites, one on the south side and one on the north, each one has front row seats. Today the south suite is ours."
"ARE YOU SERIOUS? We have a suite? A private suite? How did you...?" I was just...
"A gentleman never tell his secrets, Bella. It's gonna be great though. You and Ethan can experience it for the first time together. That's priceless."
We finally came to a door marked 'South Suite Entrance' with a hostess waiting to greet us.
"Mr. Cullen I presume. Welcome to the Key Arena, my name is Jane and I will be your hostess for the afternoon. We have your brunch ready just as you ordered. Please follow me."
She opened the door and we followed her inside. Never in my life had I received such treatment. A private suite! Our own personal hostess! I was always the one who sat in the nose bleed section coveting the lucky ones who were seated in the important section--the private suites and seats in the first row. Had my luck really turned around so?
Edward had pre-ordered our food. He remembered that I liked strawberry pancakes. They were even better than IHOP's with fresh strawberries, not the mushy ones in syrup. Ethan had scrambled eggs and sausage with a PB&J on the side, just in case. Edward was eating pancakes too, minus the fruit.
As we sat down at the table, Jane took our drink orders and we began to eat. This suite was very first-class. We had a private bar, a huge flat screen that almost covered half of the wall, two couches, a recliner, which made me wonder who would use a recliner at a place like this? There was even a play place with the biggest train track and station I had ever seen. Not only that but the window in the front wall overlooked the floor in the arena. To see the show we didn't even have to leave the suite if we didn't want to.
So this is how the rich and famous live?
Ethan was being very well behaved today, he ate most of his eggs but didn't touch the sausage. Edward let him up to play as we sat at the table to finish our food.
Edward was picking at his bacon when he looked up at me, confusion in his eyes. "Bella, may I ask you something?"
Reluctantly, I answered, "Sure. What is it?"
"You've told me about your past with that douche Mike, but that was like what? Three years ago or so? Have you not dated since?"
Crap. Of course he would have to ask something that would involve me opening up. Edward had always been honest with me and he deserved the same. This is what friends do, right? Get to know each other?
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. I've maybe been on three dates since our divorce, but I choose to be single Edward. I'm kind of a relationship-phobe now, they scare me. I've brainwashed myself to believe that I would rather be single than have to endure anything like that hurt ever again. I can't convince my heart to open up and even try."
"But you know that every guy is not a Mike, right?" I felt as though Edward was putting himself in that category, and he didn't deserve that.
"I know that, especially someone like you. You and he are not even of the same species." I smiled at Edward. I just wanted to hug him. "Think of it as this--my ideas of love now are tainted. It's hard for me to separate love from heartbreak. It's all I know. It seems like an impossibility to me to have one without the other. And I just can't ever see myself opening up to allow that kind of pain in my life again."
I watched as Edward jabbed at his cut up pancake with his fork. It seemed as though I was hurting him some how.
"Edward, look at me. When all that happened with Mike, hell, as it was happening, there were days I felt as though I couldn't breathe and I didn't know if I could survive." My voice cracked at my admission, "I didn't even know if I wanted to. I don't ever and I mean EVER want to live through that again. So if I have to die a single woman to avoid feeling that cracked emptiness in my soul - in my being. I will."
"Bella," was all he said as he sighed. He must have been searching for words because a couple of times he would open his mouth, only to shut it again. "I just wish ..."
"What? You wish what?"
"You could..you would... try."
I knew what he was saying. I wanted to tell him I wished that too. Every time I had the chance. Each birthday candle I blew out. Every time I witnessed a shooting star. When I spoke out loud to the first star in the sky. When I lost an eyelash and blew it off my finger. Any opportunity I had to wish, I wished for my broken to heart to forget the pain so it could love again.
If wishes were true, shepherds would be kings.
Our conversation was cut short when Ethan fell and bumped his head. Edward and I both went over to console him.
Edward mentioned it was almost eleven and the pre-show was about to begin. We ventured outside of our suite and walked the few steps down to the floor. Ethan between us, holding both our hands.
We watched the elephant named Daisy who painted pictures with her trunk. Then we watched as the lady who hung by her hair took the floor, or I guess that would be took the ceiling. As we walked the center floor, the tension or whatever it was between Edward and I seemed to disappear. We began to laugh and enjoy the show.
We took our seats as the floor cleared and the lights dimmed. Ethan was a ball of energy. He was enjoying this so much. He sat in Edward's lap and I sat beside them. Sometimes he would crawl over and sit with me and twirl my hair before something would spark his interest again and he would jump up again.
At some point Edward reached down and held my hand. Such a simple gesture, but it filled my eyes with tears. He knew that in my own way, I was damaged goods and yet he still wanted to be my friend. I wished I was different. I wished I wasn't so scared, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I wish I knew the good of wishing.
I wish I could stop the frequent quotes running through my head.
The circus was a sight to be seen! I loved the music and the energy. The motorcycles that drove inside the ball--all nine of them--had such a level of danger, it was breathtaking. Oh and the trapeze artists and the tight rope walkers, just WOW! Then everyone loves the clowns, everyone but Ethan, I think they scared him. Then there were the contortion people that were just - yuck. Freaky. But most of all it was all the colors that I loved. It was beautiful and eye-catching and it just made me smile – a lot.
Every now and then I looked around at the people sitting higher up, filling the seats where I would normally be. For some reason a little girl with piggy tails caught my eye. She had dark hair like mine, and her mother sat beside her looking irritated. I noticed this young lady was watching me – us. I'm sure she saw Edward and Ethan as my little family and I already knew what was running through her mind. "I hope someday I can sit in the important seats with my own family like that." I knew because that was what I would have been thinking. I wanted to run up there and school her in the ways of the world. I wanted to tell her to guard her heart from assholes like Mike Newton but love with all she had when she met her Edward. I longed to tell her dreams can come true and don't ever give up and please believe that you're worth it. Then I laughed thinking that if someone would have done that to me twenty years ago I would have written them off as a crazy old woman and not listened to a word they said.
Old woman, psht, thirty is the new eighteen kid!
Edward squeezed my hand and I looked at him. "You having fun?" he asked.
All I could do was nod my head because right now, I didn't have words perfect enough to express what I felt.
~*X*~
There is no more sure tie between friends than when they are united in their objects and wishes.
Cicero
~*X*~
Just a filler chappy b/c ladies, it's about to speed up. Remember I said this will only be between 15-20 chapters, so we are pretty much in the middle, I don't think it will go 20.
I have a thread that afragilelittlehuman started over at Twi, come & play with us. Link on profile (there is even a picture of our Ethan!)
I wrote about B&B's Circus 'cuz I got to go Phillip's Arena in ATL a couple of months ago. My fams had a private suite & everything! I loved it & have pics if ur interested. Oh – the Key Arena at the Seattle Center is real, I Googled that! (if ur from Seattle I hope I didn't goof it up, if I did - read disclaimer below)
I have a mini rant/disclaimer so if you don't want to hear it go ahead & review, it probs isn't for you anyway. I just want to remind any1 that this is FICTION. Which means my story = my rules. If I want to make the grass orange & the sky magenta, I CAN. There are no boundaries. This is straight out of my imagination. Do we really need to know which form LawyerElla is filling out to complete this adoption? I don't & I don't think you want to to be bored with those details either, do you? I mean really, we are using characters SM created in our own way, they were VAMPS that SPARKLED & drank from animals ppl! Did you want to flame her after reading Twi? If you feel that my story is not good, it really is simple, just don't read it. I have enough wonderful, beautiful, lovely friends who like it. They are all I need. ~Stacy =]
