Chapter 6: Confessions
(So…Reading the name of the chapter you probably think this is the chapter you have all been waiting for xD I won't spoil the surprise…But I do have another for you. I'm not the best artist in the world…But I drew a picture for this chapter…I would suggest looking at it AFTER reading the chapter so it doesn't spoil anything. And I hope you enjoy this one...I really wanted to get it up before I left on my busy busy holiday (no rest for the weary...It's full of photoshoots, planning, family visits and work visits…ahh it never ends…but I'm happy. I really missed my family these past few months)…Oh and despite my original chapter being in third person…somehow it's switched at least at first to first person xD I've been watching Nana….Maybe that's why. It's kinda funny to hear Romi Paku actually play a girl for once...and I must say Nana is KICK ASS! Edit: T_T I stayed up till three am writing this and STILL haven't packed…I get on a bus tomorrow night…Sad kupo xD I need to find my absent cellphone.)
Link: .com/gallery/#/d2immmq )
"Everything." Roy had replied, staring intently at me. It had sent a rush of adrenalin coursing through my veins, even though there was nowhere for me to run. Everything…that word implied that everything that had been said had been received and understood….and why was he staring at me that way? Why wouldn't he look away…or look ashamed for me. It wasn't a confession you heard every day. Yet, he'd said those four syllables so easily, but still they hung in the air like a threat. My mind fumbled to catch up with the rush of emotions that flowed through my being at that simple word. It was something I had never fathomed….To understand everything when I hadn't wanted to tell him…It really scared me at that time. Though, a part of me wished so hard that he could hear everything….and not hate me….
'Seriously…?' Ed's mind screamed at him….his heart racing so fast as he looked up at the other, only to look quickly back down again. It was too much, with him looking so sombre. He couldn't read his thoughts either, which intensified his feeling of discomfort. 'Does he hate me, is he sickened…oh no what if he says we can't ever see each other again!' Ed thought in a panic. He snuck another look at Roy, trying to figure out how he should react. He could try to laugh it off, pretend it was some odd joke…But no, one look at Mustang and he could tell he was serious. Too serious. He could definitely come clean now…But it was bad enough now, his pride wouldn't let him act like some lovesick schoolgirl sprouting off confessions of puppy love. He couldn't get mad either…It was like that emotion had been completely drained from him when Envy had left. All his options were dwindled down to one and so Ed said the only thing he could think of…The only thing that could possibly make up for all the trouble he'd caused.
"I'm….sorry…' he said softly. "Guess there's nothing more for us to say. Now you know..." Then he was walking away, trying to play it cool even though he felt that he would break apart any moment. He wasn't going to stick around for the verbal beating that was sure to follow those serious eyes.
"Don't run away Ed!" Roy called to him, an edge to his voice that caused the teen to pause. He couldn't ignore him when he used that tone…When he sounded so wronged. Looking back he noticed that Roy didn't look angry, disgusted or any of the things he'd expected from him. He looked contemplative, if anything. "What about my side? Shouldn't I be able to say something? A confession of my own?"
Ed's stomach plummeted and he frowned. He wanted to say no, that it wouldn't be okay. No, when he was falling apart already...there was no way he wanted to be turned down formally. But, he was never the type to turn when a challenge had been issued, and he prided himself on being as unspoiled and good as he possibly could be. He kept telling himself this was why he turned…that it wasn't some weird form of masochism that made him yearn to hear his voice, even if he was certain that the man was just turning him down. Mentally he prepared himself. 'He'll let me down easy…I'm young after all. I'm sure that Roy wouldn't want to damage what he would consider to be my fragile self respect. He'll talk about how it's wrong for this to happen.' His thoughts took on the speech pattern of his commanding officer. "I'm sorry Hagane, but it will never work. I'm old enough to be your dad...besides we're both guys and I'm sorry I don't swing that way and blah blah blah.' The more he thought about it, the sicker he felt and he wished Roy would get it over with while he still had some semblance of control. Ed knew that getting upset would just make everything harder…and what's worse would make Mustang feel bad for something that was never his fault. 'Just don't cry…It will be over soon so just pretend it doesn't mean anything….'
"I've loved you ever since I first met you in Central….'
Ed blinked, surely he had heard wrong. It was so much like a dream...So much like what he thought himself. It had been then that he'd first gotten a good look at the other. He had spent so many years telling himself Roy was a rival and that's why he made sure to know everything about him, hid his confusing feelings behind boisterous acts and petty fighting. But, was it him who had said that…he was sure he hadn't. He looked up at Roy and couldn't mask the few small tears in his eyes from having squeezed them closed so tight in dread. He'd never admit he'd actually been crying out of sadness…no way…it was just natural that one's eyes would tear when tightly closed. Still, he doubted what he heard, and couldn't mask the small tremor in his voice when he spoke. "What did you say?"
"I said I love you. I've always been watching you." Roy said with a smile and Ed could've melted. Still he must have looked shocked because Mustang laughed. It felt so much like déjà vue and Ed wondered if he was dreaming. If Envy hadn't just run off he'd be sure it was a trick.
"W-wait!" Ed stuttered out, still looking like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. "This…This isn't right! You were supposed to be a responsible adult and tell me all the reasons why it wouldn't work." He was blushing now and so caught up in his speech he didn't notice. "You're supposed to let me down easy...Not that I want that..." he muttered to himself. "Oh I get it! You're just playing a joke on me….ha ha…very funny Colonel Bastard! April Fool's is long gone!" he attempted to laugh, but it rang out false. He really did think that the Colonel was playing tricks on him and it really stung. 'Just don't get upset…' his mind cautioned him.
"Edward I'm serious!" Roy shouted looking dejected. "I understand if things are too complicated, but spare my pride…." He said softly and Ed looked even more surprised. "It's true…at first I tried to justify any reason that would make me give you up…I even told myself it was unhealthy to be this obsessed over someone so young. I tried to tell myself I was just curious, that I was in awe over what you and your brother lived through even though I was right pissed that you'd done it. Later, when you passed the exam and came under my command…I said I looked to you boy's as the brother's I never had…and it explained why I was so protective of you. But it was always more than that...And I never once saw you as a child. Hell, most of the time you seemed more mature than I ever was. I started to notice little things…little things that would drive me mad. How you seem to bring a room to life no matter where you are... how you just command the spotlight without ever knowing it. Even when you're mad you're adorable and I came to anticipate the way your eyes would blaze just before you gave one of your famous short rants. I would antagonize you just to watch you come to life. I may be awful for it…But somehow I've always loved you….and I'm tired of hiding it. I worry about you all the time and I count every second until I can see you again. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with myself over this but I'm done beating myself up over it. Wasn't it because of my hesitation that you got hurt? What did Envy call me? Oblivious and an idiot…? I'm both those things and because of it you suffered so much. Maybe I shouldn't say these things because of who I am, and who I am supposed to be…and if it causes you more pain you can walk away and I won't take it personally. But if anyone should be sorry it's me…For confusing you…and getting you into all these messes because I'm an old fool in love."
Though Ed had longed for what seemed like forever to hear these very words he was still pessimistic. Time had made a fool of him not too long ago…and it had wounded him badly. He thought up until recently that he would never come out of it, and it was this hurt that made him test the one most precious to him once more. "Your words are pretty, but you can't prove it can you?" he said brutally and Roy stood mute, shocked by his tone. Ed sighed sadly, trying to keep the calm cool façade he had put on. "Well...I knew it. You really shouldn't play with people that way Taisa…" he started amiably but couldn't say anything more because he was pulled into a tight embrace. The touch was soft, sweet and protective like what he'd envisioned all along. It was all he'd sought to feel again and Ed felt he'd come home.
"What do you want from me Ed? What kind of guarantee can I give you...I'm no good at this…" Roy lamented softly. "I could whisper all sorts of sweet nothings, but what do they mean? You and I both know anyone can say that…and you're so precious to me I don't want to do anything so typical." His voice was husky with barely contained emotion and Ed felt a little ashamed for doubting him. Roy was holding him as though he were precious…like he was fragile and made of glass or would disappear in a moment and held none of the previous gruffness he'd had in his encounter with "Roy" and Ed knew it was real. That if he could stay there he'd never be betrayed again.
"Oh…." Was all he could say. He remembered this feeling. It was the same as that night so long ago in Xing…So long ago now it felt like another lifetime. If it were the same…it was real wasn't it? The thing that he'd been so confused over for so long suddenly was crystal clear. Roy was always protecting him, always watching over him even without it being noticed. Without needing any recognition, because Ed was precious to him. The answer was so blatant Ed felt like a fool for having missed it. "Oh..." he repeated, his mind for all its brilliance losing all rational thought as he slowly wrapped his arms around Roy, wishing so hard he'd noticed earlier…But glad to finally have this chance.
"You know you don't have to be strong around me..." Roy said quietly against his ear. "It's okay to lean on others...On me. I want to protect you, and see you smile. Don't bottle it all up inside. You can lean on me...I'll be your strength so depend on me…Ed…Can you trust me?" he sounded so unsure and Ed could do nothing but nod, tightening his grip...never wanting to let him go. Once he'd gathered his wits about him he looked up, smiled and pulled Roy down to him. Their mouths met and they shared their first true kiss. Reluctantly the kiss ended, yet their gaze still seemed to pull them together like magnets. But Roy just smiled and sat, patting a space next to him. Shyly Ed followed, still drawn to the man with an inexhaustible pull. "Now…Tell me the whole story...Properly this time..." Roy coaxed him, his tone sweet.
"So…you're saying there's another rat running loose around Central?" Envy responded into the telephone boredly, wrapping the line around a long finger. "Damnit, Lust...Waddaya mean he got past you! You're so worthless. I don't know why we keep you around." He growled as the one on the other end presumably said something irritating. "That was different and you know it!" he said dangerously but the mood passed as swiftly as it had come. "Besides, he'll come in handy won't he now...Our little chibi." He listened to the reply and frowned. "Fine, I'll take care of your mess…but you owe me." He slammed the phone back into its receiver, somewhat satisfied that he's cracked the plastic. "Che...bitch…she'll get what's coming to her..." he said to himself as he donned a new form...that of a woman and hurried to intercept the nuisance that was scurrying half dead around Central.
"You should have told me sooner…" Roy said worriedly as Ed finished his story, wrapping an arm around the blonde's waist and pulling him into his lap. Ed sighed in relief; still half believing Roy would have been appalled by what had happened. Roy for his part just felt he had to touch him, to keep himself rooted to the present so he could keep his self control and not go looking for the bastard who'd done something so despicable to someone he held dear. Ed just saw his affection as an affirmation that he was still loved after telling him something so raw and disgusting about himself.
"How could I?" Ed questioned and looked up at Mustang with a gentleness he'd never seen before. "I was convinced it would cause you trouble. I had to first get over myself before I could come to terms with what happened. A month ago I would have still been in shock…A couple of weeks ago and I would have despised you prying and would have been convinced you were somehow trying to get back at me. It has taken me a long time...and it was brutal…But this awareness had to come to me in something like a voluntary social solitary confinement. As hard as it was to be alone…I would have just hurt you if it had happened any other way." He smiled and rested his head against Mustang's chest, content just to be gazing at him without having to make an excuse. "What confused me the most was trying to figure out what bothered me more: Weather it was the fact that I'd slept with that guy and had enjoyed it…Or that I'd confessed so truthfully to the wrong bloody guy. It was tearing me apart!" It didn't hurt so much now to admit what had transpired between himself and an enemy, that he'd experienced something he'd always been cautioned was supposed to be meaningful and done with someone you loved and who loved you with a total stranger….and someone he was supposed to be fighting with to boot. He also wasn't as ashamed to admit that it hadn't been a wholly bad experience, that at the time he'd enjoyed himself whole heartedly…though he never wanted to repeat that mistake again. The past was now simply the past…Now that he'd come clean to Roy. He wondered if he'd have been able to accept it so easily if Roy had done anything but loved him so freely despite his numerous faults.
After a while of sitting there silently in each other's embrace carefully Roy untangled himself from the teen apologetically. Seeing Ed's disappointed expression he smiled gently and leaned down to kiss him on the nose, looking directly into his eyes. "I skipped out of work to be here…" Roy admitted sheepishly. "If I don't get back soon, all the paperwork I was supposed to do won't be done on time. You should go home and patch things up with your brother. I hear he was pretty worried." Roy waved to Ed and began to walk away and Ed couldn't do anything to hide the goofy grin on his face as he waved back.
Ed hovered outside the door of the apartment. Pressing his ear up against the wood he listened for any indication of his brother's mood. When he couldn't hear anything he slowly opened the door and walked inside. "Damn door's too thick…" he muttered to himself, hoping Al wasn't too mad at him for taking off like a bat out of hell.
"Brother!" Al shouted and rushed him. He practically bulldozed down Ed in his relief. Ed groaned in pain as what felt like two full sized trains knocked him to the floor.
"It's a damn good thing you're hollow Al, or we'd have some problems…" he muttered pretending to check himself over for broken bones, much to his brother's embarrassment. After a moment Al seemed to remember something and fished a letter off of the table, handing it to Ed.
"This came right after you left. "He said as Ed slowly broke the red wax seal holding the document together. He recognized it immediately. It wasn't often the Fuhrer himself sent a letter to State Alchemists. In fact, Ed had ever only received one…Bearing his official military code name and certificate proclaiming he'd passed the National Alchemy exam. It didn't bode well somehow…The paper seemed too thick and it all reeked of formality. Ed began to feel nervous as he looked over the heavy black script.
"I don't like this at all…" Ed finally said and passed the letter to his brother frowning. "I would have much rathered a letter of promotion...Well…Guess it can't be helped. Al we're on the road again in the morning. Bright and early." Then he retreated to his room to prepare, as Al stared in shock at the letter he'd so carelessly delivered.
Roy was just finishing up the last of his paperwork when the phone rang. Hastily he picked it up, cradling the receiver against his ear so he could scrawl his signature on the last page…thinking only of getting home and into bed. "Sir, you have a telephone call from an outside line. The caller cleared all our security questions and asked to speak with you. If I may say so candidly sir, he sounded a bit….loony…talking about it being urgent. He says his name is Hughes…should I page him through?"
Roy sighed…this late at night? Seriously his friend had no sense of time...Shouldn't he be at home with his family already. Though it hadn't clicked yet that normally this was exactly where he'd be. "I know him...Put him through." Mustang was weary of his friends constant chatter about his beautiful family and even more with him insinuating he should hurry and settle down with a girlfriend of his own…But lately it was one of the few times he could talk with him. Annoying or not they were friends, and Roy would take any conversation, even an annoying one…over silence. "If this is about your beloved family again Hughes so help me I'll torch you through the telephone!"
Weak laughter followed by heavy breathing was the only sound that greeted him. All at once he was alert, grasping the phone as though it were a lifeline. "Maes, what's wrong?" Something nagged at him. This would be a joke in bad taste, and not at all like his friends normal antics... he wouldn't joke like this. "Talk to me!" Roy roared in his most authoritive voice, but the sound of a dial tone greeted him. Roy dropped the phone into his Lieutenants hand. "Trace the call…we need to get down there now!" he said in a half panic, though even as he issued the order he knew it was too late. Maes Hughes was a very talkative man…The only thing that could keep him from speaking adoringly about his loved ones was if the worst had happened. Roy suddenly knew his best friend was dead…It just wasn't like him to stay silent….It wouldn't do…Roy raced out of the office as though his very life was dwindling in that telephone shack along with his long-time friend.
