I have so many other projects I need to finish as I write this, but this just came to mind. My shit WILL get done. Just, maybe not the way I planned it. I hoped I could get everyone on a release date schedule for 2017, but, guess not. Enjoy!
He'd never had great control over his emotions, and everyone knew that. But, it didn't stop terrible things from happening that spent him emotionally. No less, it was his birthday, and a date he'd been planning forever that she'd decided to end it on. He felt used. Used just for his money, to receive gifts from. They'd shared a year together, and he'd put so much thought into her birthday and Christmas presents, and got just what he expected in return; nothing.
He was ready to throw it all down and be done. But, he knew he had to keep going, because he'd look like a whiny ass if he was just done then and there. He could take the cliché route, and say, 'Oh, there's no me without us,' but he was better than that. He could move on, and he'd prove it.
He went to his best friend, Spring, that night. He regretted having not spoken to her in that year's time, but it just got away from him. He stood at the door, looking just the way he was feeling – shitty. He was hesitant to knock on the door, but he did, anyways. He fiddled with his fingers, waiting for the door to open, and thought about how much of a hypocrite he was. He was here, on his birthday, expecting her to open her door to him, just because it was his birthday. Yet, he hadn't remembered her birthday.
His heart twinged at the remembrance of that fact. At the remembrance that he was the world's worst friend; the world's shittiest person; and the world's most pitiful twat.
Yet, he was greeted with her face. A face that, even with the events of the past year, was forgiving and comforting. She invited him in with a warm smile, but her eyes were red. She'd been crying before he'd shown up. He had no earthly idea why, other than the year of silence, but he doubted Spring would hang on to something so trivial. Yet, it ate at the back of his mind that that was exactly what she was upset about.
He walked in, and she closed the door behind him. She sat on the couch, and he sat next to her, his head falling into her lap. She began to run her hand through his hair, much like someone would pet a dog. But, he knew it was supposed to be comforting.
"Tell me what's wrong," her sweet voice rang. "You can talk to me, no matter what happens."
He couldn't bring himself to say it. He remembered the way she looked at him at the doorstep with those beautiful, violet eyes. He couldn't force her to listen to his relationship trauma, knowing what he'd put her through. But, he persevered.
"Maggie broke up with me," he said shakily, his usual smooth and confident voice replaced by that of a broken man. "And- and I had the date planned out perfectly. I gave everything I had to her, proving that she was all I needed, and yet she went as far as to dump my sorry ass in the most horrible way I thought possible."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Alfred..." she comforted. He could hear the sadness in her voice, and was proud of her for pushing on through.
"Look, I'm sorry for not communicating," Alfred apologised.
"It's okay."
"Spring, I know it's not okay," he said, addressing the issue. He sat up, and said, "I can see how red your eyes are, I can hear the pain in your voice. You're the one who needs someone to talk to."
"Alfred, I'm fine, really!" she lied. She didn't want to confront her feelings for him, again. Sure, he was no longer in a relationship, but she knew she had no chance. "I'm always the one discussing my problems. I think you should take centre stage for once."
"Thank you for the thought," he said. "But, I want to hear from you. You know what's been going on with me, and I don't know what you've been up to. So go ahead, and feel free to call me any rude names, because I deserve all of them."
"Alfred, it's not important what I've been doing. You're going through a breakup, your feelings are more important than any part of me."
"Nonsense, Spring. I insist."
"You really wanna know?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered with certainty.
"Fine," Spring said at last. "I've been crying, Alfred. A lot. And- and I don't think it was really that worth it. I mean, you didn't want to talk to me, and that's fine... I can live with that... It's just- I don't know... I guess I was... jealous? But, I just felt hurt for no reason. No big deal."
Spring brushed it off too lightly for Alfred's taste. He looked at her with keen eyes, and took hold of her arm. She began attempting to pull away, a flustered look on her face.
"Wh-what are you doing?!" she asked frantically. "L-let go!"
Alfred took his other hand, and rolled up Spring's sleeve. What he saw shocked him, and he looked at Spring with a worried face. There were cuts, fresh and faded, all up and down her arm. She looked at her own arm, and began to cry.
"I-I swear, th-this isn't what y-you think it is!" she stated, trying to save the situation. "It was an accident–"
"Spring, don't lie to me," Alfred stated. "I know this is you cutting yourself. But, why? Why would you cut yourself over an idiot like me? I would understand if it was someone that was admirable, like one of my brothers, but all I am is a dick. I've achieved nothing, and I'm a terrible friend."
"You'd always listen, Alfred. And, when that listening ear was gone, I lost my shit. I'm too fragile, and I need to be stronger than to just hurt myself when things get bad... But, I thought I drove you away. I thought you stopped talking to me because you didn't like me anymore. I felt as if I talked too much, or said the wrong thing, and I lost my best friend. And I went so far as to hurt myself for being such a worthless idiot. I knew you wouldn't bite my head off for it, because you're always so nice, so understanding. But, I thought you didn't want to listen to my bullshit anymore."
"Spring, you could never talk too much. I could never hate you," Alfred said, holding her closely.
"It's hard for me to believe that. Everyone in my life has always not liked or hated me at one point," Spring stated. "I was afraid I lost you to inevitability."
"Don't worry, Spring. You're my best friend, and it'll stay that way for a long time, hopefully."
Spring heard the last sentence, and remembered what was going to happen before he showed up, and what was going to happen after he left. She pulled Alfred closer, and buried her face in his chest. She didn't want to admit that it wasn't because of her fear of hatred, but because she loved him. She felt him fall around her, as if he were protecting her. She didn't want this.
She knew when he walked out that door, he'd find someone else, and she'd be alone again. All because she was too scared to admit that she loved him. She had a choice, right now, to say something. Yet, she chose not to. She remained silent, hanging on to Alfred like a child. She didn't want him to leave.
"C-can you s-stay for t-the night?" she asked hesitantly.
"Sure," he replied, "if it'll reassure you."
Eventually, Spring fell asleep in his arms, and he took her to her bed, laying her down. When he stood up straight, again, he scanned the room. Something in particular caught his eye, and he walked over to her desk. On the desk was a black desk lamp; a blank journal; a collection of pens and pencils; and a handgun. He wondered why she'd leave something so trivial out for everyone to see.
He picked it up, and examined it. He opened the barrel, taking note that it was loaded. He noticed the safety was off, and he began to wonder what she was planning to do. He looked over to her while she slept peacefully. He took the bullets out, and hid them. He grabbed a piece of paper from the journal, and crumpled it up to fit in the barrel. He jammed the gun with the paper, a very dangerous idea. If Spring was planning to do what he thought she'd do, he knew he was saving a life.
He sat down on the bed, next to her. He watched her sleep as he ran his hands through her hair. He remained silent, afraid to wake her up and confront her about the weapon.
After awhile, he got back up, and wandered into the main room, again. He felt bad for Spring, having to live in this small, lonely apartment. He wished he could've convinced his father to take her in three years ago.
Brushing off the thought, he laid down on the couch, and began to drift to sleep, waking up early the next morning. He played the thought of leaving before Spring woke up, but he knew it was wrong. She'd been so upset last night that he'd been gone for so long.
But, he didn't have to wait long. Spring came in a short while later.
"Hey," she greeted sombrely. "I didn't want to wake you up. You can go whenever you feel like."
"That can wait, Spring," he replied. "I just wanna say, thank you for being there last night."
"You're welcome."
"What time did you wake up?"
"Midnight."
"Spring, you fell asleep at ten. You mean to tell me you only got two hours of sleep?"
"You don't seem very concerned. And if you are, you shouldn't be. It's been normal for about a year, now. Waking up in the middle of the night in a fit, and not being able to go back to sleep."
"Have you been to a doctor at all?"
Spring shook her head. "Not once. I know it won't help," she stated. "I've been to a doctor before to help with my depression. It didn't help one bit."
"Spring, you should've reached out to someone," Alfred said worriedly.
"It's okay, I've learned to live with it," Spring replied dismissively.
"It's not okay to only get two hours of sleep," Alfred said. "It has so many negative effects."
"It's okay. I sleep during class, usually."
"It's not okay, but I understand I'm not gonna convince you. I'll see you around."
"See ya," Spring replied, wanting him to be gone so she could finally end it all. She knew she could never have him, he just wasn't interested. She'd lose him to another girl, and she would either have to comfort him again, or lose him forever.
She couldn't take the emotional trauma again, so she'd make sure she didn't have to. Little did she know, Alfred was still standing outside the door, listening in.
She stood, heading back into her bedroom. She took the gun from her desk, and examined it. She could've sworn to leaving the safety off, but she turned it back off, anyways. She took the barrel to her head, and pulled the trigger, and nothing happened. She examined the handgun, again, and realised that it'd been jammed. She tossed the thing on the bed.
"Dammit!" she shouted.
She felt arms embrace her, as tears streamed her face. She elbowed the body behind her in the stomach. She heard Alfred's voice grunt as he reeled back, holding his stomach.
"Damn you, Alfred!" she yelled. "All I wanted to do was end this cycle of trauma that I've been through for the past nineteen years! And you decide to take that power away!"
"Spring," he sputtered, "i-it's not w-worth it!"
"Of course it is, Alfred! I don't see a reason to continue, so why even try?!"
"What is this about, Spring?" Alfred asked, using Spring's dresser to support himself. "Why do you want to end yourself so badly?"
"B-because," Spring stuttered, "I-I know we can't be together. I know y-you don't l-love me l-like that... I know- I know-"
Spring broke down, falling to her knees as she cried. "I know you don't care!" she yelled. "I know you don't care that I'm hurting myself over you! That I cry myself to sleep every night, because of you! Because if you did, you'd ask more often!"
"Spring, I care more than anything," he replied, kneeling down. He held his hand under her chin. "You're my best friend, and-"
"That's the problem!" Spring cried. "I'm your 'best friend,' and I want to be more than that! But I know you don't think of me that way!"
"Spring, please don't cry..." Alfred pleaded. "I'm sorry, I just- I don't know... I wouldn't think it'd be right to date you... I get that I shouldn't judge on you on this, but you're so unstable. You refuse to accept the help I try to offer. I promise you, a doctor can help you more than you think, you just have to let them."
"I don't want a doctor's help. I want yourhelp. I want you to tell me why I feel this way, tell me why you don't love me..."
"I do love you, Spring-"
"Then why don't you say it? Why don't you show it? Why did you choose her over me? Why, Alfred, why?!"
"Spring, please, listen to me. I love you, but it just feels wrong. I don't know what to tell you, because it's not something that you did. I just don't see it happening."
"Then, I guess I'm just hopeless. I'm a hopeless piece of shit that no one loves. Just let me kill myself in peace, Alfred. Stop trying to convince me that I have a reason to live, when you know I have nothing."
"Just, please... I don't know what I would do if I lost you. This is spinning out of control, and we're just repeating ourselves. This needs to stop, Spring."
Alfred went to hug Spring again, but she backed away.
"I don't want to get attached again," she said coldly. "Just go."
"No, Spring, I'm not going to leave. I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry. I've been through emotional trauma before. Maybe not to the degree that you've been through, but it's something beyond anything normal," Alfred replied.
"I don't c-care! I don't want to get attached, then you find some other girl, and leave me again. I don't want this to happen, again, so just go!"
"Well, maybe if you listened for once, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Alfred snapped.
Spring's eyes widened, hearing his words. But, he was right. Even if the fact that he snapped at her was shocking, he was no less right. He was all right, in fact. She should listen better.
"If... If I did listen better, would you consider me at all?" she asked him.
"I can't say, Spring. Even if I did, and we did end up dating, I don't think it would last long. I don't think there's that kind of chemistry between us."
"Yet, here I am, begging you take me. The only chemistry that doesn't exist is from you, so I shouldn't have even tried. This is exactly what I knew the answer would be, and I don't feel good about being right. I wanted to be wrong, Alfred. I wanted you to take me in your arms and say "Yes, Spring, I love you," to prove me wrong. But, apparently, I was right. Heh, that just proves hope is a lost cause," Spring whispered the last part.
"Spring, that doesn't prove anything. I do love you, but I just don't see us being a long-term thing," Alfred argued.
"You have just as much hope as I do, right now. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should just give up on romance. Not like anyone would love a bitch like me, anyways. Your brother didn't want me, Bonnie didn't want me, why should I have expected that you'd want me? That just proves I'm as stupid as I thought."
"Spring, you're a brilliant girl," Alfred said in defence. "I just don't think you're my t-"
"I'm not anyone'stype!" Spring screeched. "And it's fucking discouraging! Your brother wasn't happy with me, Bonnie wasn't happy with me, why should you be happy with me?! Why should I be happy with me?! I'm a disgrace to society! I haven't done anything in terms of being helpful, and I've only wasted oxygen and food that could be saved for the people who actually matter!"
"Spring, please," Alfred begged, "you're scaring me. Why do you want to do this to yourself, really? Don't bullshit me by saying you don't matter, because you matter to me!"
"Then why don't you love me?!" Spring asked. "If I mattered, you'd be here, you'd say that you loved me, you'd say that you actually didcare about me! But, you never do, so why should I believe you?"
"Because, I'm here now, telling you this."
"But, now is a little too late. I already feel like trash. This isn't what I wanted."
"What do you mean?" Alfred asked, cocking his brow.
"I mean that, I wanted to end my life. I still do. Before you were here, that gun was about to be to my skull, and then you showed up. I knew, that after you left, you'd find some other girl to be with, eventually, and you'd be gone again. The person that I grew attached to, the person I loved, ripped away once more, leaving me to feel like garbage," Spring answered. "Before you came along, I'd never had a friend. And, when I was fourteen, I was told the truth; I was a mistake. My parents didn't want me. And that was part of what fucked me up. A little less than a year later, they died, and that's how I became an orphan. I felt like no one cared about me at all, and then you came along. I finally felt loved, wanted, cared for, and happy. Of course, I was still crying on the inside, but not for long. In a little over a year, we got to know each other, and spent so much time together that I was finally happy. And, eventually I fell in love with you. But, when you were whisked away by the girl of yourdreams, I was left with nothing. I began to slowly realise that you didn't care enough to check up on me, you didn't want me enough to keep me around even after you started dating. I bet you, that if you were still dating Maggie, I'd be lying on this bedroom floor in a pool of my own blood."
"Spring, I never thought about it that way. How your life had been so unfortunate until I came along. I didn't think I had that much of an impact on you."
"It doesn't stop there," Spring stated. "I dated both your brother, and Bonnie for a while, but they outright told me it wasn't going to work. But at least they tried. They triedto understand me, they triedto help me, they triedto bring me out of depression. And though they may have failed, they still tried. You're still sitting here saying there's no chance, but you're not even willing to try. You've become a different person, Alfred. Maggie changed you."
Alfred listened intently, and realised that all her words were true. He had talked briefly with Fredrick and Bonnie about their experiences with her. They'd said she was nice, but extremely sensitive and needy. He wouldn't say that to her face, but that's what they'd said. He guessed that remembering that had turned him off from her. And, after dating Maggie, he did now realise how arrogant he'd become. He guessed his brain was just in that state where he desired Maggie, but couldn't have her.
"I'm so sorry," Alfred said with the same broken voice he'd had last night. "I'm so, so sorry. I will try, I promise. I will change. I will be a better friend, I will be everything you need me to be."
"I hope so," Spring replied," because, I don't think I could take it if you weren't.
3,446 words (edited, not including author's notes)
