I watched as Rayvn slept. After three months she could finally sleep alone all the way through the night. Still she had nightmares, I could hear her whimper sometimes, but at least she could sleep.
She'd enrolled in a few psychology classes, hoping to move on with her life. I took a few night classes, basic general requirements for now. I wasn't sure what I wanted to study this time…
But because of this I had a lot of time to myself, to wallow, and to read her textbooks for the hell of it. She had a class on "Psychology of Love". I thought it was morbid and probably hurt her more than it did help her. But she enjoyed it enough that I'd read the textbook.
They say I'll love again some day
A truer love will come my way
The Next time
It said I'd eventually find another, because as a "human" I was a social animal who could simply not exist without a set of relationships. I wondered if that meant I need romantic relationships or just relationships. Because I had my brother and sister, Jasper and Alice, my "parents", and Rayvn. And it was all I wanted.
But after you there'll never be
A next time for me
Besides, I wasn't entirely sure I COULD love again. It sure didn't feel like it. I stood ad began pacing the small condo. I felt like I'd given my heart to Rosaline and gotten back nothing but a few fragmented pieces- not even the entire shattered remains so there was no hope of rebuilding it.
I needed to run… I decided. I wrote a quick note to Rayvn, should she wake up early, and headed out the door. Once on the beach I ran, enjoying the wind and the salty air.
They say that I'll find happiness
In someone else' warm caress
The next time
I tried to imagine another woman touching me, making me feel as Rose had. It just made me angry and violently ill. I growled, I was hungry.
Without another thought I ran straight into the ocean. I'd discovered that whale and shark blood were pretty decent the first night after Alice and Jasper left. And shark was almost as much fun to catch as grizzly.
The hunt helped calm me, helped settle my anger. As I swan out to sea I thought.
I'll soon forget your kiss
And heartache such as this
Will just be ancient history.
Well there would be upsides to getting over Rose. First off my heart, or the pieces I had left, wouldn't hurt so much. And being able to be happy… it would be nice. As would flirting with random strangers, since Rose had never let me get away with THAT.
They say that I'm a fool to weep
That I won't go on loosing sleep
The next time
I returned home an hour before sunrise but Rayvn was already awake. I smiled sadly at my poor little Rayvn. She sat perched on the counter, holding a cup of steaming plum tea, wearing only one of my shirts. I had to grin, she looked like a drowned rat.
She met my eyes with her bright green ones and smiled slightly. She patted the counter beside her and I joined her, dropping my arm around her. She ignored my dripping wet clothes and leaned into my touch. I hoped she would get over the hurt of Edward, because the bags under her eyes were beginning to look like mine.
That someone else will
Mend the heart
You've broken in two
I wondered if the common belief of new love mending a new heart was true. Could someone help me mend my heart?
I looked down at Rayvn's head laid on my shoulder and thought that if anyone could help me put myself back together again it would be her. Whenever I wanted to talk she was always up for it, but on nights like this one she seemed to sense I didn't want to talk and was happy so simply spend time with me.
But
How can I fall in love,
The next time
Didn't her book say one would have to be totally over the last lover to make a relationship work? I sighed and leaned back against the cabinets, there was no hope for me then. Because I'd never be able to do that…
When I'm still so very much
In love with you.
I'd never NOT love Rosaline. No matter what she did to me and to Rayvn. Absently I began toying with her hair, I enjoyed how she'd let me do it. She used to snap at Edward for doing it, and Rosaline would NEVER let me play with her hair. Rayvn sighed and cuddled closer to me.
They say that I'm a fool to weep
That I won't go on loosing sleep
The next time
"You'll always love her, won't you?" she asked me uncannily, could the kid read minds?
"Yes," I said softly, wondering if that made me pathetic.
She nodded, "Me too, I'll always love him… But my professor says that we never stop loving people, we just… understand that they aren't healthy for us, and we learn to love someone else." She sat up and finished her tea, then twisted to place the small cup into the sink. "I hope he's right. Because I'd hate to never love again." Her laugh was bitter, "I mean come on, I'd like to get some real sleep, ya know?"
I just nodded and stroked her hair.
That someone else will
Mend the heart
You've broken in two
And we sat there together, on the counter with my arm wrapped around her and her cheek pressed against my chest, as the sun came up. And when the sun glittered off my arms and face, and off her tears I realized that she wasn't just the only one who could possibly help me put my heart back together, she was the one who WAS helping he put myself back together.
And that I was helping her put herself back together too.
But
How can I fall in love,
The next time
I smiled down at her, even thought she wasn't looking at me, and hugged her. She returned the hug but she was bewildered as she did so. I was determined to help her, to mend her heart as she was slowly mending mine. And one day we would both find love again.
When I'm still so very much
In love with you.
When I'm still so very much
In love with you.
I still loved Rosaline, and I always would. But she wouldn't hold me back anymore, or ever again.
~"The Next Time" Cliff Richard
