Chapter 8
Hitting the punching bag didn't help much. After, I tried to work and made myself miserable. More miserable. Both Daniel and Teal'c have come by, tried to make me talk. But they finally went away after I told them to leave me the hell alone.
By late afternoon, I've made a decision. I ask to see Hammond, and he pushes aside the file in front of him and gestures me to sit down.
"I'd rather stand, Sir," I tell him, and he shrugs.
"What's on your mind, Colonel?"
"Sir, I'd like to request a further leave of absence."
"You'd what? You've just had two weeks, and you're due to go off-world."
"That's ok, Sir. Carter'll handle it. It's time she had her own command anyway."
He looks even more shocked.
"You mean to tell me that you didn't know that Dr. Fraiser declared Major Carter unfit for active duty as of this morning?"
I sway a little; feeling like someone has hit me. How did I miss that? It's my business to know that, damn it.
"You were sent a memo this morning."
"I ... er, haven't seen it."
"So, what's the reason for leave this time?"
"Like before, it's personal."
"No, Colonel, it's gone way beyond personal. Have you looked at yourself, lately? You're a mess. Request denied, and I'm going to ask that Dr. MacKenzie give you a psychiatric evaluation immediately. This ... problem of yours has gone on long enough, and I want to get to the bottom of it."
"No, Sir."
"What did you say, Colonel?"
"I said 'No, Sir.'. I'm not letting that shrink anywhere near me."
"Are you refusing a direct order, Colonel?"
"Sounded like that to me. So maybe I should just go to plan B. I resign, Sir. You'll have my letter of resignation on your desk within the hour."
Hammond's standing face to face with me now. He's tried pulling the senior officer card, and all that's done is make me more determined. He comes to the other side of the desk, puts both hands on my shoulders and pushes me down into a chair.
"Colonel, I'm willing to forget the last couple of minutes because I believe that there is something very wrong with you, but if I don't get your co-operation, then you're looking at a court-martial. Do you understand? Do you even care?"
I don't care, not any more. A court-martial seems like a walk in the park compared with staying at the SGC. If I can't cope with the most basic command responsibility, then I'm no good to anyone, no good to her.
Hammond's phone rings, and he holds a hand up to me, making it clear he wants me to stay where I am. Whatever energy I had has gone during the confrontation, and I'm not sure I could get up even if I wanted to. I put my head in my hands and try to work out what went wrong and how I ended up like this.
I don't hear most of what Hammond says, but I do hear his final words before he hangs up.
"Yes, I understand, Doctor. You were perfectly correct to bring this to me right away."
He hangs up and immediately dials another number.
"This is General Hammond. I want a security detail to my office, now."
I look up, curious. Hammond regards me over the desk and his expression seems harder than before. The detail arrives, but he asks them to wait outside.
"Colonel O'Neill, I have just received information that you are implicated in the possible drugging and serious sexual assault and rape of a member of your team, probably while off world. I have no choice but to confine you on base until the matter can be investigated."
"Assault? Who?" I'm slow but I know the answer before I finish asking. "Carter was assaulted? No. I would have known. She's on my team. I wouldn't let ... " And then it dawns on me. I've been dreaming about her. Dreaming about being with her. Not for the first time, but these dreams are different – more real. They couldn't ... "Is Carter accusing me of raping her?"
"On the contrary, Major Carter has thus far defended you, but since she doesn't remember what happened, her testimony is hardly trustworthy."
He gestures to the security detail to come in and gives them an order.
"Please escort Colonel O'Neill to one of the isolation rooms at the infirmary immediately. When he's secure, do the same with Dr. Jackson and Teal'c. They are not to be allowed to communicate."
If I hadn't heard him say what he did, I might have fought being taken away. But the thought that someone hurt her, that they could think that I ... Almost worse than having Hammond thinking I could hurt her is the knowledge that Carter doesn't. Ever-loyal Carter ... trusts me. Even when I'm no longer sure she should. I was already feeling guilty. What I've been dreaming ... thinking about ... it's wrong. Using her. But I couldn't have ... not really. Could I?
My world is crumbling. Again. This time I thought I was safe. I know now I should have done something when I realised Carter was more than just a member of my team – long before I had any hope it might be mutual. I should have been strong, had her reassigned, but I was too needy, too weak. And now, it's gone too far. I know Hammond's right. That MacKenzie is the right sort of doctor. If I had any faith in shrinks I'd have suggested it weeks ago. But I've already had a lifetime's worth of people poking around my mind.
I look out the grille in the door, looking for someone, anyone, who can tell me how Carter is. I spot Dr. Fraiser, so I call her over.
"Doc., how's Carter?"
"Oh, you're worried now, are you?"
"Doc, I need to know how she is."
"She'll be fine. Now, I've got work to do."
She stalks away, but I feel her condemnation. I feel like I've been thrown into another universe – because I don't understand a single thing that's happening. I need to sit down. I back myself into a corner and just allow myself to slide to the floor. I always thought that if I went crazy I wouldn't realise - that I would think everyone else was crazy. But now I know better.
Even sitting on that cold, hard floor, I doze off. The dream's getting wilier, avoiding my defences. No longer starting at the beginning, going straight to her bedroom, her bed, her body revealed and eager. And then it changes. She's no longer eager and welcoming. I'm forcing her, she's fighting me, and I wake with a start, shaking with fear and relief that it's not real. I'm so tired I can hardly think. A night's sleep is an impossible dream. I flop onto the bunk. I try to slow my breathing, my heart rate, but I can't. Something inside snaps. I've got to get away from here, got to be alone, got to be where no one can hear me calling out her name while I sleep. I get up and start kicking on the door.
It doesn't take long. In seconds, Doc. Fraiser's there, takes one look and sends a nurse scurrying off for something. And then, a syringe in her hand and two burly orderlies at her side, she unlocks the door and while they hold me still, she explains that she's got to sedate me before I injure myself. I feel the needle go in, and then everything goes dark.
Relief. I open my eyes. Don't know where I am. But I don't remember dreaming.
The infirmary. Not locked up any more. I see Fraiser. I try to move but she's got me restrained. Don't blame her. She thinks I raped Carter. And God help me, I can't be sure I didn't. I can't be sure about anything any more. In my world, the one where I understand how things work, I couldn't hurt her. I hope to God she's ok.
"What's going to happen?" I finally ask.
"Well, I'd like you to answer some questions."
"Questions? You?"
"Colonel, you've been out for twenty-four hours. How long have you been having problems sleeping?"
"I haven't." The problem's been staying awake.
"But you're chronically short of sleep. Don't deny it. The sedative I gave you should have calmed you down for a few hours, but you didn't stir for twelve. Then you started thrashing about and making the most alarming sounds, and I had to give you another dose."
"Did I hurt anyone?"
"No. So, are you going to tell me what's been happening?"
"If you tell me how Carter is."
"Major Carter has been through a traumatic experience, but she's strong and I'm sure she'll be fine. I can't tell you any more than that. For now, I need to concentrate on you. What can you tell me about the mission to PX2-788?"
The ordinariness of the question throws me. I can't think.
"PX ... 2-788? Doc, I don't know. Can't think. What's the mission report say?"
"Colonel, if I wanted to read your mission report, I'd do that. Let me refresh your memory. A month ago – the last mission before SG-1 was given downtime, and just before you and Colonel Carter went off with the Tok'ra to investigate the planet Colonel Carter has been calling Haven."
Even following her sequence is hard. Takes concentration. But I force myself, remembering.
"Oh. That one. No one there, nothing to see. Went there, spent a couple of days, came back empty."
"And since that mission, have you been aware of anything odd? Blackouts, discrepancies in your memory, dreams?"
I start guiltily at that question. And she notices.
"The dreams started just after that."
"And these dreams, describe them."
"Just dreams, Doc."
"Ok, Colonel, cut the crap. Between you and Major Carter, I'm sick of this. Tell me about the dreams, and later we'll have a detailed chat about why you didn't come to me weeks ago."
And with that comes the patented O'Neill reaction. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. "Ok, Doc, I'll tell you. They're wet dreams. You know, all naked bodies and …" I'm trying to embarrass her, say something crude, but the dreams are about Carter. Nothing about them is crude.
"No, Colonel, you don't get away with that. I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know who else was in them. It's important, or I wouldn't put either of us through this."
She holds my gaze for a moment, and I know she's not going to give up. I close my eyes so I can't see the condemnation in hers when I answer.
"Carter." My voice is a whisper, but I've said it.
I wait for her to speak. She's a professional, but she's also Carter's friend. I hear nothing. I open my eyes to find that she's leaning on the foot of the bed, the tension that marked our earlier confrontation gone.
"Thank you, Colonel. Now, I have some news for you. Both Major Carter and Dr. Jackson have been hypnotised by Dr. MacKenzie to try to bring out repressed memories of that mission. We tried Teal'c, but he was protected by his symbiote. I'm not going to give you any details, but we have uncovered some significant discrepancies between their conscious and unconscious memories. I'd like you to undergo the same procedure."
I almost refuse. I'm about to, but she's back up close to my face. "Colonel, I don't have to remind you that you're facing serious charges here. And regardless of that, you can't go on like this. We need to find out what's going on, and in my medical opinion, recovering those suppressed memories is the first, essential step."
"Ok," I agree. "Just ... promise me something."
"What?"
"Look after Carter. Whatever happened to her, look after her."
"Colonel, I always look after my patients. And in this instance, that includes you."
