Author's Note: Every night of intoxicated passion must be followed by...one hell of a baaaaaad morning after. Here's another one for ya. ;D And most especially for Barbara. 8D
Chapter 8 ~ This Thing They Call Love
An irritating, tinny tune was playing, twirling around in Axel's head, knocking into things in there and hurting him. He felt like he was chasing it around, trying to smack it and make it shut up, and in the process he began to gradually identify it as "Eye of the Tiger." Which might mean something…
Roxas' ringtone. Oh yeah. Axel had just finished thinking that when the tune stopped, giving him a jolt that woke him up…to pain and misery and the sound of groggy mumbling nearby.
"Ugh…what? Yeah…" A grunt of discomfort followed, then a silent pause. Head already throbbing, Axel tried to gingerly roll over to get some idea what was going on. The motion made his stomach reel sickeningly, but he kept moving, observations filtering into his mind faster than he was ready for them. He was in a bed…not his own bed, not Roxas' bed – Hotel room? Why am I in a… And then he saw Roxas. Sitting on the bed next to him, squinting and scrubbing an eye and listening to his cell phone, half asleep and looking like hell and naked. Naked. Oh my God I didn't. Again?
"Uh, yeah…no, I'm fine Sora…calm down…uh? Um, still at the hotel…in a room, yeah." Axel was still floundering, trying to wrap his painfully broken brain around the fact that he'd had sex with Roxas – again – when blue eyes glanced sideways at him nervously. Seeing him awake, Roxas turned away quickly, voice lowering. "No…I'll tell you later. What? No…not now, I'll call you. Yeah." The phone was snapped shut with a sharp sound that seemed insanely loud to Axel, and then the blond was shuffling with fabric, trying to cover himself, breathing a weak, "Fuck…"
It was Axel's thoughts exactly as his stomach made a sudden run for freedom and the redhead had to clamp a hand over his mouth and throw himself from the bed and toward the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet and didn't think after that, not right away. He felt like shit. Just…shit.
During a pause in the nausea, he heard Roxas stumble into the room. Eyes bleary and unfocused, he could see that the blond had managed to find his boxers and pull them on, and he was dragging a bed sheet, which he unceremoniously dropped over Axel's crouched form. The redhead was stupidly touched by the gesture for a moment, before his stomach revolted again. When he could hear again, it became obvious that his own vomiting had set Roxas off too – the other young man had been forced to make use of the sink, however.
How fucking precious. Axel managed to collect a few bitter thoughts from the wreckage of his mind. Sharing a bathroom. Puking together. We're both old enough to fucking know better than this! Shit. I can't believe…again! I'm never…fucking…drinking…ever again. Forever. No way.
Axel huddled on the floor, pulling the sheet around himself and trying to survive the nausea, trying not to think about what had happened. He wasn't ready to remember it…not yet. Except… What if I did something…bad? What if I…hurt him again? As soon as he was able to pick his head up a bit, he was glancing over at Roxas. The blond had his forehead pressed against the cold metal faucet, which was running. He really looked horrible. But Axel couldn't tell if it was just hung-over horrible or…or hurt. Though if Roxas' head was throbbing as badly as Axel's… Ugh. God. Never again, I swear.
They didn't speak. Not until they were both stumbling out of the bathroom, heads pounding and stomachs empty. Then Axel managed to collect himself a little, leaning on the bathroom door frame and watching Roxas search for his pants. He mumbled awkwardly, "Hey…are you…uh, you OK? I mean…not hur…hurt or anything?"
Roxas grabbed his pants and flopped onto the bed, grunting slightly and not looking at Axel. "Chop my fucking head off, please." Then he slumped, Axel still waiting and watching. Pounding agony aside, he really needed to be sure he hadn't… Blue eyes glanced at him and then away again, and Roxas mumbled even quieter, "No. I'm fine. Little sore, but nothing close to this headache."
Axel relaxed. He hadn't even realized how tight his whole body had been with the tension and worry over what he might have done. Finally able to breathe again, he exhaled…and noticed the clock.
"Shit!" The redhead made a dash into the room, forcing aside the protests of his head as he scrambled for his clothes. "We've got to check out in like, five minutes! Fucking…!"
Roxas glanced up, startled, and then echoed Axel's cursing and hurry. Which was probably a good sign, as Axel would decide later – Roxas was still kindly disposed toward him enough to care about Axel getting charged extra for the room. Had he been only too happy to delay and let the redhead's credit card take some extra damage…that might have been a bad sign. As it was, they both raced around unsteadily, finding and sorting out clothes, pulling them on even though they were repulsively damp – being left in a heap on the floor hadn't been great for drying the fabric out, apparently – and suspiciously crusty in places. Utterly gross. But not something they had the luxury of worrying about as they all but ran to the elevator and lobby, barely making it to the desk in time.
Some vague, unconcerned corner of Axel's mind noted that the receptionist looked familiar – maybe the same one as the night before? – and was apparently quite disgusted with their appearance. He didn't give a shit, however. He knew he looked wretched, and just disregarded her opinion. He failed to notice the undertones of horrified suspicion in her eyes – having not yet seen the marks that were currently obvious on Roxas' neck – and he also failed to notice Roxas paying far more attention to her reaction than he was. He definitely didn't see the look of smug gratification in blue eyes as they observed the girl's reaction to Axel's "morning-after" condition.
They called a cab to get home, and it was a good thing that they couldn't really be refused as passengers on account of personal odor – Axel noticed, once they were in the cab, that both he and Roxas smelled pretty bad. The cabbie, however, just quietly rolled the windows down and didn't say anything. Roxas proceeded to lean against the door and close his eyes, slowly and deeply breathing in the fresh air from the window. Axel knew why, too. The motion of the ride was…not helping things. His stomach complained and his head screamed at him and he felt like death, quite simply. And of course, now that he had a minute and was feeling miserable, his mind felt it was a perfect time to bring up memories from the night before.
If his memory could be believed, Axel had been…really, really stupid.
It took most of the ride to slowly sort out what he could recall and put events in order, but by the time they were nearing Roxas' apartment, the redhead was relatively certain that he'd been an idiot. He'd jumped in a pool or a hot tub or something, and then for some reason Roxas had been in there too – Please tell me I didn't force him in, God – and Axel had definitely been the one to come on to Roxas. He was even halfway sure that he remembered Roxas trying to make him stop…a plea he'd totally ignored, and proceeded to get them both off in the pool.
Axel was horrified with himself. But that wasn't the end.
Most of the trip up to the hotel room was there in his memory, but all of his thoughts at the time seemed to be missing…unless he really hadn't been thinking about a single thing other than getting Roxas in a bed and fucking him – depressingly possible, considering how drunk he'd been. And after that…things got unfortunately clearer and clearer. He knew Roxas had resisted again, and he knew he hadn't even pretended to listen, and he most definitely knew that he'd taken his best friend to bed and screwed him. Fucking Christ almighty, how could I? At least he'd managed to think enough to make sure Roxas didn't get hurt. He had memories of doing a lot of stuff with lotion and fingers that he was pretty sure would never have occurred to him on his own. Roxas must have told him to…in fact, yes, Axel was pretty sure Roxas had given him a few instructions. So maybe…maybe it wasn't really rape exactly. Maybe it was more of a…forceful seduction? Yeah… He paused a moment. Fucking idiot! Like that's any better! I still had sex with him again without saying anything about the last time! Who does that? A fucking asshole, that's who!
Part of Axel's inner tirade was well-deserved self-recrimination. Part of it, however, might have been just a little bit of a desperate grab at something else to focus on…because some of those later memories were really much too clear. The taste of Roxas' skin and the sight of his body – spread out underneath Axel, naked and aroused and sweating – and the sound of his stifled moans were all uncomfortably clear. And then there was another clear view – the slope of Roxas' back…and his upturned ass. Softened flesh opening to him, pulling him inside so smoothly, no painful roughness to the squeeze this time, just…the most absolutely perfect pressure. And after that…it seemed like he remembered everything after that. Holding Roxas and taking him slowly, then harder and faster – Roxas moaning and begging for more, deeper – and the strange and amazing feeling of the blond's orgasm in his hand.
Too much heat, too much pleasure, and so much desire that he'd been burning for more and losing his mind and coming so hard inside…inside Roxas.
Axel shuddered. And then he checked himself, because surprisingly, that reaction had not been one of horror or disgust – though he knew that much now, but he still couldn't get used to the concept of not being horrified by sex with a man – but it had been closer to…arousal. Again. Need. Like remembering all that, even with how idiotic and potentially friendship-destroying it had been…wasn't making him hope he never did it again. Quite the opposite, in fact. To his mind's shock, Axel's body was most definitely putting a vote in for a few more times of doing…that. With Roxas.
…Not right at the moment, though. The tingle in his skin wanted it and whispered of more, soon, again… But the pounding in his head was louder, and sided with his mind on this one – Fuck. No.
He had to get this figured out. He had to stop doing shit without thinking. And he very much needed to grow a pair and talk to Roxas about what had happened – again – before the silence between them completely devoured years of trust and friendship.
He just…didn't know what to say.
"Hey man, sorry about screwing you when I was drunk"?
…God no. Lame.
"Hey Rox! So we're 'sex best friends' now I guess? That's cool!"
That's cool? No!
"You're really good in bed, you know…"
Holy fuck no! What the hell?
Hangover-inspired suggestions were obviously no good. Axel gladly gave up his efforts to think, leaving such problems for when he felt better.
In the meantime, they arrived at Roxas' apartment. Axel paid the cabbie, adding a little extra as a silent apology for their smell. The guy seemed happy with that, and drove off with the windows still rolled down. The two young men climbed the stairs in silence, and Roxas let them into the apartment. Still without a word, they headed in the same direction first – to the kitchen for glasses of water.
Roxas finally spoke as he turned from the room. "Getting Aspirin."
"Yeah," Axel mumbled in agreement. He sipped his water and slumped to the couch, where Roxas joined him with the much-needed pain pills. Again, they were silent for a while – talking reverberated painfully in the skull and just wasn't worth it – until Roxas spoke again, briefly.
"Need a shower. You?"
"Go ahead." Axel mumbled, fairly certain that no matter how gross he felt or how gentle he knew he'd been, Roxas would always be in worse shape in this situation. "I'll wait."
"Thanks," Roxas grunted softly, and painfully rose from the couch, shuffling off to the bathroom. Leaving Axel to his useless, hung-over thoughts.
He's not limping too bad… Green eyes had followed Roxas discreetly as the blond left the room. Maybe all that preparation really does help. And if he was telling me what to do, maybe…did he want it too? If he did… But he was trying to stop me, wasn't he? Axel triple-checked his memories to make sure of those details – a few of them were fuzzy. He wasn't totally sure Roxas had tried to stop him in the pool…but no, in the room, the blond had definitely told him to stop and tried to push him away at first. Even if he gave in later, that doesn't excuse my ignoring his refusal. Then Axel paused, wondering something. How…how much does he remember? He was pretty drunk too… It was possible that Roxas had forgotten his refusals…in which case, he might not be blaming Axel right now. On the other hand, he may have forgotten his later acceptance and submission instead…in which case… He'd be thinking right now that I really raped him last night. Oh my God. Axel would have to verify that. Soon. Which meant he'd have to talk about this with Roxas – he'd have to – without any more delays. He couldn't act like nothing had happened when Roxas might be thinking that his best friend had dragged him into a hotel room and raped him. No friendship could survive that.
So Axel had to figure out what to say. Today. He couldn't let this weekend slip by without confronting what was going on between them. And that meant… I need to know what I want to do about it.
Head still pounding, Axel listened for a moment to the sounds of the shower running. He was in no condition to deal with this at all – maybe after his own shower he'd feel a little better – but he wasn't going to wait anymore either. He was risking losing Roxas' friendship for good this time, and he already knew he couldn't afford that. He'd suffer through much worse to keep Roxas. That was already decided.
What do I want to do?
Fact: Axel was single. Tifa wasn't coming back. Maybe some guys could have held onto hope, even after a breakup like that, but Axel knew Tifa. When she acted, she had already thought things out. And when she had gotten something figured out, she never changed her mind. She was one of the most rational women Axel had ever been with. He had…loved that about her. Once.
Ugh…stop thinking about that… The pain was still there, inside his chest…though it was more of a twinge than a stab now.
OK, fact: Roxas was gay. Roxas liked men and had once liked Axel. Axel couldn't remember if Roxas had ever said how he felt now – and he should probably make sure when they talked that he not only found out what Roxas remembered from last night, but he should also explain how much he remembered from the first time, in case he'd forgotten something important. Either way, Roxas had been his best friend for years, and that had to mean something. At least the guy still enjoyed his company…which might make things even worse if he didn't want Axel as anything else anymore. If he wasn't attracted to him now and just liked being friends, but Axel had screwed that up… Oh God. I really hope it's not like that…
Which left Axel with a question. If he didn't want Roxas to think of him as only a friend…did that mean he was actually hoping that the guy still liked him? But that would be so awkward for our friendship if… If what? If he couldn't accept Roxas like that and they couldn't be friends anymore? But Axel already knew that he could accept Roxas…at least on a physical level. Incredible as it was, his body didn't have the slightest problem with what they'd begun doing together, and his shocked and appalled mind was really…only shocked and appalled by how little he minded. So if I'm OK with us being like this and if I'm hoping he still likes me…doesn't that kind of mean…? The idea, so logical and yet unexpected, stopped his thoughts dead.
Holy shit…do I wanna be with him? Like…like a boyfriend? Boyfriend…fuck. Weird…
The bathroom door opened and Axel's attention found a new focus. His neck tensed at once, resisting the impulse to turn and look… His mind was less restrained. Especially now that he was so intimately familiar with the delicious details of Roxas just out of the shower. His scent, his clean, warm, damp body…everything was crystal clear in Axel's memory. It almost didn't matter that he managed to keep his eyes fixed ahead and didn't look. His imagination stared.
"Your turn." Another weak grunt, but Roxas' voice at least sounded a little less pained…a little more refreshed.
"Yeah, thanks." Axel called back, waiting until he heard Roxas' bedroom door shut before he rose and shuffled stiffly to the bathroom. His jeans had never felt worse in the crotch. Not again…
Scalding water felt great. And, to be honest, jerking off felt great, even with a headache. I should really stop…doing shit like this…in Roxas' shower all the time. Today, though, Axel let his body's needs come before any other constraints. He needed it too badly. He still felt like shit, and it was getting too hard to think rationally when his mind was consumed by memories of his night with Roxas. There were no attempts at other fantasies this time. Not of Tifa or any other woman he'd ever done or dreamt of doing. There was no point in trying to convince his body that any of those fantasies were more arousing than his surprisingly sexy best friend.
Maybe he got a little too into it. The memories were so good, and he was hard, really hard, and his headache actually faded – or maybe he just didn't notice it as much – as he stroked and squeezed his erection, trying to find that perfect pressure again…the Roxas kind of pressure. He didn't mean to take that long; he meant to just jerk it off and come quickly…but once that hot, throbbing feeling started coursing through him, Axel just couldn't stop. He wanted to drown in it and think about nothing else, nothing…nothing but a pleasure-soaked voice falling from soft, parted lips that he'd never known could taste so good, and misty blue eyes that he'd never stared into before and now couldn't seem to stop, and blond hair darkened with sweat clinging to flushed skin, burning, chest heaving, firm but still so alluring…
Axel came hard, biting his lip to seal in a groan at the last second. Fuck…Roxas. It felt so good, he lost track of time yet again after that, just standing there and letting the hot water run down his body, burning away the bad feelings and worries and relaxing him perfectly.
When he left the bathroom, he didn't see Roxas.
A corner of his mind was curious about that, but mostly Axel felt too spaced out and good to care. He fished some blissfully clean clothes out of one of his piles in Roxas' room – his dresser had been Tifa's, and she'd kept it – got dressed, and shuffled out into the apartment. Roxas still wasn't there.
Back later was scribbled on a napkin in the kitchen. Blinking at the note, Axel turned back to the living room and flopped onto his back on the couch.
"Back later"? Where the hell's he going? He doesn't have anywhere to be… Axel checked that. Today was Saturday…so yes, Roxas didn't have anything going on. Where's he going when he's hung over? I know he feels like shit too… It was a little worrying – Axel hoped nothing was wrong, and should Roxas even be driving right now? Well, he probably can, but it'd be better to just stay here for the afternoon… Then again, Axel couldn't feel too upset about the blond's sudden absence. He wasn't done thinking. He'd allowed himself to get a little too distracted in the shower. He wasn't ready to talk…yet.
What am I gonna say to him when he comes back? Axel leaned back on the couch, feeling exhaustion wash over his body in a numbing wave. He felt so much better after that shower, in clean clothes…and he was low on energy, but he couldn't even think about food yet, and he knew it would be a few hours before anything started to look edible again. And he needed to think some more, but…
Axel forced himself to try, at least for a few minutes, but his mind was blank. Before long, he was rolling onto his side to get more comfortable, and only minutes after that, he was asleep on the couch.
~o~
Sora was pissed, and Roxas' headache wasn't up to dealing with his cousin's outrage. The blond was just trying to weather the storm with his nose in his coffee cup while the brunet ranted in furious undertones in the calm atmosphere of the coffee shop.
"You can't be serious, Roxas! What the hell were you thinking? How could you let him do that to you? Especially if you think he's just playing around until he finds a new fuck! Roxas. If that's what he's doing – hell, even if it's not – you can't let him use you like that. You're going to get hurt…"
Inhaling the smooth, sweet smell of his mild latte – he couldn't drink it as strong as he usually liked it today – Roxas mumbled softly, "I know."
Sora heard him and redirected his rant. "Oh you know. Oh really. Well then why in the bleeding hell are you letting him do that?"
"I can't help it," Roxas' voice was even weaker, to his annoyance.
"Don't try to give me that, Roxas. You've beat the shit out of men twice your size for coming on to you when you weren't interested and not backing off when you told them to."
"They weren't…Axel…"
Impatience made Sora's voice tight. "Don't expect me to buy that, either. Your self-control around him is creepy it's so perfect, and don't forget that I know why." Blue eyes fixed Roxas with a sharp, knowing look. Not that the blond had forgotten. Sora knew everything. Sora was the only one who really knew it all, and he always had.
Roxas didn't have an answer or a defense. Sora's reprimands were exactly the same things he'd been yelling at himself, and defending himself to Sora would be pointless, because he couldn't win an argument against his cousin that he'd already lost against himself. He knew he was being stupid and he knew this was wrong and he knew Axel was going to break his heart and he would probably never fully recover from it and there wasn't a thing he could do about it. He knew, he knew, he knew.
It didn't matter.
The brunet sighed in resignation. "What are you going to do when he leaves, Roxas? Hmm? When he finds another girl? You think you can go back to being best friends after this, when he knows?"
Roxas just shook his head quietly. No…that won't work.
"It'll be over, won't it? And what will you do?" Sora's tone was getting softer, almost pleading. Roxas just shrugged. Sora leaned forward. "You can't let it go on, Roxas. The longer you let him have his way like this, the worse it's going to be when it's over. You have to put an end to it now. You have to stop him now, Roxas. Then, you know, maybe someday…if you do it now and avoid the mess, there's a chance you could be friends again someday. If you wait…you won't get that chance."
It was true. Roxas knew that. But…Sora could talk easily about "putting an end to it." Roxas…couldn't take that so lightly. Not when he was the one who would have to make that end happen. And he'd have to think of how to do it – how to say goodbye to Axel, when he didn't know how to live without Axel – and then he'd have to do it. Face Axel and…tell him goodbye. How can I possibly do that?
"I know…" Roxas murmured miserably.
A spiky brown head shook slowly. "I know you know. Are you going to do it?"
Swallowing unhappily, Roxas rubbed his aching head. "I…I don't know. I was…I mean…I never meant to let it get like this. I didn't…didn't think it would. I thought it was over from the start, I thought he'd never speak to me again, that he'd hate me and cut me off and…but he isn't and I can't…I can't!"
A gentle touch on his arm drew Roxas' eyes up to his cousin's sympathetic gaze. His voice faltered. "He…he might be accepting me, you know?" Even as he said it, he hated how weak and pleading he sounded.
Sora's eyes were dark with sadness. They were echoing Roxas' own mind: No. "You know it doesn't work like that, Roxas. His orientation is a basic part of who he is. You can't change a person just by having sincere feelings…not in the real world. And even the closest friendship is a long way from love. It's not the same feeling, Roxas, even if it looks that way sometimes. Don't get confused…"
"I know." The blond cut in. "I know, but…"
"There's no 'but' Roxas…"
"But there is! Because…because I told him how I felt, and he didn't reject me! He…we had sex. And then we did it again. He wanted me, he started it last night! You don't do that to someone if you don't like them at all…"
"He was drunk, Roxas! Both times! And people can use other people, it happens all the time. You know that."
Swallowing tears, Roxas' voice lost strength again. "But Axel has never…he isn't like that."
Another sigh. "I believe that. I know he's a really nice guy. But he's not perfect, and you're getting your hopes up over stuff he's doing when he's totally drunk and probably a little sexually deprived and lonely. He did just lose his fiancée. You can't trick yourself into thinking he's able to love you, just because he's reaching for you right now. You're going to get very, very hurt…and I just can't bear to watch that, Roxas."
Glancing up again, Roxas could see that Sora was damn near crying. Crap. That guy was just too caring for his own good. And…he's right, too. Even if he couldn't realize this much by thinking, Roxas should know better from personal experience. I know… Eyes could burn bright with desire, the body could ache with need, hands could touch and caress softly or passionately, lips could kiss and smile, and the heart could still remain untouched and untouchable. It's so easy to be fooled.
"OK." He could only whisper, eyes miserably staring at the clean, polished tabletop. "I'll…I'll break it off. I'll talk to him."
Sighing again, Sora relaxed. His voice, however, still held a slight edge. "And if he gets drunk and comes on to you again?"
"I…I won't let him do anything to me…" But the words were an empty hope. Roxas knew he was lost if Axel touched him.
His cousin knew better too. "Can you?" Roxas bit his lip and didn't answer. Sora continued after a pause. "Come stay with me for a bit, Roxas. I know you feel like you can't kick him out right now, but you can't keep living in the same space with the way things are. It's not fair to you. Come stay with me and Riku until he can find a place and move out."
"But I don't wanna impose on you guys…"
"Oh shut up." Sora wouldn't even hear it. "We're not newlyweds, dumbass. We've been together for over three years; we can handle ourselves with company." The brunet smirked sardonically, then rubbed Roxas' arm gently. "Just for a little bit, OK? You need to get some distance."
Reluctantly, Roxas nodded. It would be hard. It would hurt. But he had to stop this before it killed him…or before he lost control of himself again. And it'll be OK…once I get out of there, I'll be fine. As long as I'm not around him… Anyway, I can do it. I've been dealing with this for years. It's not that different now. I'll…be fine.
~o~
