Now
By the time their phone conversation came to an end, Beckett was exhausted. They had decided to met up the next day, or later that day since they had talked well past midnight. She had no idea why she had chosen to open up to Castle the way she had. She hadn't planned on dumping all of her burdens on him and unload all of her fears and insecurities as a parent. Of course, he had shared right back, opening up about his days as a single parent and what he had gone through when Meredith left.
She wasn't normally a sharer, especially with Castle. He had somehow clawed his way into her life over the past two years, but it had never been this way between them. Somehow it felt natural, the words had flown out of her mouth almost without her thinking. It had come to her almost as naturally as their playful banter normally did.
She was too tired to think on it anymore tonight so she simply sank farther into the bed, set her alarm, checked that the baby monitor was on, and dropped off into sleep.
She woke up to the familiar whimper of her unhappy baby girl. She sighed internally, another fitful night. She hated that Eva was plagued with nightmares and terrors. She could count the times she had slept through the night on one hand.
Another cry snapped her back into reality and she took one more deep breath before she blinked her eyes open.
Instead of the darkness of her bedroom, though she was met by a pair of tear filled bright green eyes. This was new.
Eva stood next to her bed dressed in the soft pink pajamas Kate had put her into a few hours earlier, just her little eyes peeked over the rim. Puddles the pig was clutched tightly in her hands as the tears streamed down her face.
"Oh, baby. Did you have a bad dream?" Kate rasped softly, still trying to process the toddler's presence in her room. The nightmares she was used to. She had dried countless tears and soothed away memories for months now. But normally, Eva chose to suffer in relative silence. She never sought out comfort, she chose instead to cry alone in her room. Kate had found her there when she checked on her in the middle of the night when she awoke with ghosts of her own, and quickly realized that Eva was not going to come and get her. When she was scared and upset she tended to shut down and curl inside herself, becoming a little more of the shell Kate had met all those months ago.
Eva nodded shyly to her question and started to move away from the bed slightly, second guessing her decision to come to Kate's room, afraid that she had done something wrong. That had Beckett up in a flash.
"No, no. It's okay, Eva." She said as she scooped the girl up into her arms and cuddled her close to her chest. "I'm so glad you came to me. Now I can make it better, okay. You can always come and get me, especially if you are sad or scared."
As soon as they were settled back into bed, Eva cradled in Beckett's arms, the little girl began crying in earnest. Feeling safe enough to express her emotions instead of trying to keep it all inside herself. There had been times early on when she was so upset that she had started to hyperventilate and she even almost passed out a few times. She was just too brave for her own good, too much like Beckett for her own good, trying to keep all of her real emotions inside and face the world all on her own.
Kate let her cry and whispered comforting thoughts and expressions of love into her hair, occasionally dropping kisses into her hair. It wasn't long before Eva's cries began to let up. Beckett couldn't help but feel extremely prideful of Eva in this moment. This was one of the shortest meltdowns to date. Normally, it took much longer to calm the little girl once she got worked up. But tonight, Eva had come to her for comfort and allowed herself to be comforted with ease. It was another huge milestone in her recovery. She was not only accepting help, but asking for it, in her own silent, little way.
When her cries turned into just the occasional hiccup, Kate slid down into the bed and situated the girl so that she was resting against her.
"I love you, baby." She whispered into the toddler's hair as she snuggled herself closer. The two fell asleep quickly after, and this time neither of them woke for the remainder of the night.
KBKBKBKBKBKBKBKBKBKBKBKKBBKBKBKBK
They had scheduled their meeting for after lunch the next day. They agreed that Beckett's apartment was not going to work. That had become Eva's safe space and they didn't want to do anything to compromise it. Castle's loft was an option, but the flamboyant redheads made that a bit challenging. Luckily, Kate had come up with just the place. She rattled off an address conveniently located between their apartments and promised to meet him there at two o'clock sharp.
He left his home at one. He had to talk himself out of leaving even earlier than that, despite the fact that it would only take him ten minutes to get there. He didn't know the last time he had been this nervous.
When he first hung up with Beckett the night before, he was feeling great. He was so excited for the next day to just hurry up and get here already. He couldn't wait to meet the adorable little girl who had stolen Beckett's heart. They already had so much in common just by loving the same woman. But then the gravity of the situation hit him.
His whole future was riding on this meeting. If this went sideways the chances of ever having a relationship with Kate went straight down the drain, and his chances were already slim at best. He couldn't afford anymore backslide lest he lose her for good. This was not just your average toddler. This little girl had gone through hell. He wasn't under any impression that this was going to be easy and their relationship was not likely to fully bloom in a day, but this could cause even more damage to her tiny psyche.
He just didn't want this to be another terrible memory for Eva. He didn't want this to be the cause of another nightmare. So yes, he was nervous.
When he arrived at his destination he was pleasantly surprised to see a locally owned bookstore. It was a cozy looking hole-in-the-wall type of brick front building with a wooden sign that read 'The Book Nook.' A bell chimed when he opened the door and crossed the threshold and he was enchanted from the first glance. The aroma of aging pages hit him as soon as he walked in and it was like coming home.
He could immediately tell why Kate had chosen this place as their meeting sight. The shop was filled with warm burgundies and deep browns and blues. There were books everywhere, along the shelves, stacked on the floor, under the plush chairs and sofas, on tables spread throughout the store. This was not just a place to buy books, but a place to discover and experience books. He could smell coffee brewing somewhere in the back and knew for sure that this was not the last time he would be here. This was the perfect place to come and relax. A place to forget the outside world and escape into the world of words on paper.
An older woman appeared from behind a shelf and smiled warmly to him.
"Good morning, dear." She said cheerily. "Well more like good afternoon now. I do lose track of the time around here. Can I help you with something?"
"I'm just meeting someone here, actually." He replied.
"Ah. Well feel free to browse at your leisure. I can give you some recommendations if you need it, though I doubt you will. There's coffee in the back, you can help yourself and leave a tip in the jar if you are so inclined. There's no real system, except that children's books are upstairs."
He thanked her warmly and she went back to straightening books and dusting shelves. He wasn't sure why she was spending her time straightening the books when she had just said there was no real system, but he guessed there was some type of method to the madness.
He looked at his watch and saw that he still had a while before the girls arrived, so he decided to simply wander and explore the countless books in sight. He knew that he could spend hours looking through the books, relaxing back into one of the many mismatched couches and chairs that were spread around.
He came to the stairs eventually and began to climb. He was pleasantly surprised to find the winding staircase had shelves filled with books on both sides. He took his time ascending to the second floor, running his fingers along the assorted titles. Occasionally pulling one out to inspect it further.
The second floor was just as comfortingly cluttered as the first, except for the fact that these shelves were clearly filled with picture and beginner chapter books. There were small desks and bean bag chairs scattered around along with a corner couch in the middle of the room. He wished that he would have known about this place when Alexis was little. She would have loved spending afternoons here while he sat on the couch with his laptop. He could see it so clearly. A small Alexis curled up in a bean bag chair with a book in her hand, or roaming the shelves to pick the perfect book. She was always so picky as a child. Taking the time to choose the perfect title before she consented to read it.
A creaking on the stairs had him turning towards the opening at the top of the stairs. A moment later Kate appeared with Eva on her hip. She was beautiful. Not that she wasn't always, but today there was a light air around her. Light was never a word that he would have associated with Kate Beckett. Even on the best days, there was still a darkness in the back of her eyes. But today, it was all but gone. Her eyes were the clearest green he had ever seen and her face was split with a genuine smile. Almost matching the crooked grin of the tiny girl in her arms.
The girl's smile disappeared when her eyes left Kate's and she took notice of his presence in the room. Her expression betrayed her mistrust of him.
He was at a loss of what to do and his eyes flicked up to Kate's for a brief moment. Her smile never left her face, but she understood his expression with ease. They had always been on the same wavelength and it was comforting to know that at least that hadn't changed.
"Eva," She began softly, taking the little girl's attention off of Castle. Kate's eyes flicked from his face to the couch several times and her meaning was clear. He quickly moved to the couch and got comfortable on one end. "Alright, baby, why don't you pick out a few books for us to read. I think we need some more good night stories, don't you?" The toddler was completely captivated by the detective's words and she nodded her head quickly.
Kate set her down on the floor and faced her in the direction of a book shelf. Eva seemed hesitant at first. Looking back at Beckett every few seconds, carefully avoiding touching anything. Kate bent down with her and prompted her to touch the books and pull them out. After a few minutes, Eva began to look through the books in earnest and the older woman was able to slip away.
"Hey." She said as she sat down on the couch beside him, leaving enough room in between them so that they could easily face each other. "Thank you… for being here."
"Anything for you." He replied. He said it with a bit of jest, trying to lighten the mood. But they both knew there was a genuine meaning behind it. "So how are we doing this?" He questioned.
"Honestly, I have no idea. I talked to her therapist about it and she just said to take it slow. So I thought maybe we just get her used to you being in the room first. Just let her explore and get used to you sitting here and then we'll go from there." There was a pause after that when they both took a moment to observe the object of their conversation. She had yet to look up from the shelf across the room and she seemed to have forgotten Rick's presence. Kate's face lit up whenever she looked at the little girl, he could see that she was just as nervous about this as he was, probably more so.
"Sounds like a good plan." He said, hoping to be reassuring. "How did you find this place anyway?" He asked by way of changing the subject. Her focus turned back to him, and she smiled wistfully.
"I don't really know, actually. I've been coming here for years. I guess I just wondered in one day after Montgomery kicked me out of the precinct for working too many hours or getting in too deep." She paused here, thinking back to just how bad it had gotten before a certain writer and a tiny blonde girl had entered her life. "I took up residence on an old comfy couch with a coffee and a book." She left out that it had actually been one of his that she had found among the shelves. It wasn't the first time she had read his words, but it was significant nonetheless.
"After that first time, I was drawn here more and more. Jen, I'm sure you met her downstairs, she owns the place. She was always ready with a coffee and a smile. She always knows when I need someone to talk to, or when I just need the quiet comfort of her books. I guess you could say she's become like family to me, this place just feels safe to me." She looked almost ashamed with her last words, as if she should be this untouchable, unshakeable super cop all the time.
He wanted to reach out and take her hand, to find the words to tell her that she didn't have to be so strong all the time, that she could be soft and scared and lost. It was okay not to have it all together and that he wasn't here to judge, but the words died on his tongue when they heard books tumble to the ground.
He snapped his head around and saw little Eva standing in the middle of the three picture books she had taken off the shelf. She had turned to carry them to Kate, excited by the possibility of hearing the stories she had chosen, but in doing so she had seen him. A big, scary man sitting in the middle of her story place. She was angry at him for being here, she was scared of him sitting in between where she stood and Kate sat, and she was confused. She was trapped. She wanted to cry and run away, but she didn't want to run from Kate. She wanted to run to Kate. She would know what to do. But the scary man was in the way. He was big just like her Father had been and he was in the way, she didn't know what to do.
But before she could work herself up anymore a pair of soft, familiar arms banded around her and scooped her up. She snuggled herself in against the detective and breathed a small sigh of relief, letting the slightest bit of tension leave her body.
"Hey, baby girl. Did you pick out some nice stories for us to read?" Eva's only response was to band her arms around Kate's neck and bury her head in her chest. Clearly, she was upset by Castle's presence, but she was allowing herself to be calmed by the detective and that was a good sign. There was no kicking and screaming and full-on panicking. She was just scared and that was understandable, scared she could work with. As long as she felt safe in Beckett's arms this would be okay.
Kate bent down with Eva still in her arms and collected the books that she had dropped in seeing Rick in the room. She made eye contact with Castle, who was looking a little worse for wear at seeing the toddlers terrified expression, and tried to convey that it was all right. There was no lasting damage done and that her reaction was actually somewhat tame in comparison with some they had been through.
The detective walked over to the corner couch and sat down with Eva in her lap, ensuring that there was lots of space between the pair and the writer. Eva became a little more distressed at their proximity, but Kate just held her close and acted as if it were just another day. She situated Eva on her lap, with her arms still around her neck and her little legs on either side of her hips. Eva clung to her and looked decidedly away from Castle, still hiding her face in Kate's chest. Beckett stroked the toddler's hair and began to read from the first book.
Just like her guardian, Eva had learned to take comfort in books. The colorful pictures, the smell that reminded her of her new home, Kate's comforting voice, and the funny characters always made her feel better. Even in her white room where everything hurt and there were loud beeps and lots of people, her books were the first things to make her feel better. Sometimes, when Kate would read to her, she would forget where she was, and all the bad things that had happened. Sometimes she even thought of her own stories, where Kate was her mommy and there was no mean father and nothing hurt. Those were the stories she told herself when Kate had to go away, when she had to go protect other people.
Today the books helped her to relax and forget about the man sitting so close to her. After a while, she turned her head toward Castle to look at the pictures and then she stuck one of her thumbs in her mouth and curled up against Kate's chest. No longer feeling the need to cling to her for dear life.
Castle tried not to move too much, afraid to startle the little girl. He had never seen someone look at him with that much fear. No one had ever really been afraid of him before. But Eva had looked at him as if her were the devil reincarnate. It was awful, it made him feel almost sick to think of the look he had out in her eyes. Though, he guessed it was her father who had put that fear into her and he vowed to endure her looks of fear and anger if it meant that she healed.
He watched as Eva relaxed as Kate continued to read. One minute, her shoulders dropped, then her arms loosened before they fell away altogether, she stuck her thumb in her mouth, and even turned her head in his direction. He could see her following the stories. He could see her face change as Kate read the words. There was no doubt in his mind that she was fully comprehending the words. She was definitely a smart little girl, and it surprised him a bit. He would have thought she would have been behind developmentally speaking. Kate had told him that she didn't speak much, if at all, and he had assumed that had something to do with her not being stimulated intellectually and being left on her own for so long. But, he was wrong, dead wrong. This little girl was sharp, there was a fire in her eyes so much like Kate Beckett it was scary. Even when she was just curled up and listening to a story he could see the life in her. And it made him smile.
Every time Kate almost reached the end of another book, Castle handed her one from the stack by his feet. She must have read about five or six, before she felt Eva relax completely against her. The little girl was fully lost in the stories, studying the pictures and following the simple plots. She didn't want to push, she really didn't. This had been a milestone already. Getting her to just relax in close presence of Castle. She could be happy with this. Eva clearly knew he was in here and she was completely relaxed. It was a win, but Kate just couldn't leave without one more thing.
When she finished 'Pablo: The Penguin Who Hated the Cold', Castle was ready and waiting with another book ready for her to take, but she had other ideas.
"Hey Castle." She said gaining the attention of the man and the little girl on her chest. She sat the book in her hand down and wrapped both her arms firmly around Evangeline. "Why don't you read to us for a while?"
TBC.
Thank you all so much for tagging along on this journey. I am thankful for each and every one of you. This was a monster of a chapter, but it is one of my favorites! There will be more of Jen and the bookshop to come, and of course more caskett-y goodness and little Eva too!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter and anything you would like to see in this story! I am having so much fun writing and I hope you are having just as much fun reading!
