Why I'm Not Allowed to…
Disclaimer:
I don't own Naruto!
A/N: There's a Tayuya chapter in the pipes
at (by?) the request of one of my reviewers, but it needs a little
(okay, a lot of) tweaking. To fill my time while the chapter is
perfected, I'm doing this!
Chapter Eight: Emotionless ANBU Don't Make Very Good Hentai Writers.
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"Sai," Danzou said sternly, "I'm concerned for your well being. You have grown, emotionally speaking, thanks to spending time with Team Seven, but I'm afraid you have grown…stupid."
"Huh?" the ANBU Root member said blankly, "Whaddaya mean?"
"You've gotten stupid. See this IQ test you took?" the eternally bandaged man waved around a piece of paper with a sketch of Sakura beating up Naruto on it, "Well, you scored zero. Because you sketched this instead. Your attention span has fallen, you speaking skills have gone down the drain, your sparkling wit has grown dull."
"Okay."
Danzou sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Sai, I have a mission for you. Write a book. A full length manuscript. The theme can be whatever you like, just anything. I hear writing therapy does wonders for developing the brain…Sai! Stop picking your nose!"
"My bad," the kid grinned goofily.
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"I see…so you're asking my help to write a book?" Naruto frowned, "Why?"
"Because you're the student of that pervert with the white hair, and his books sold like Harry Potter."
The
blond's eyes widened as realization struck him like a boulder to
the shoulder. "You want to write adult fiction, Sai?"
The
raven haired teen scoffed. "No, I wanna write hentai!"
"What'd I say?"
Sakura face palmed herself. Why was she stuck with these idiots? The answer struck her: she wasn't. Nothing obliged her to keep them company off missions. Grinning, she left them in search of people who actually used the bundle of nerves and cells between their ears.
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Kakashi caught wind of a rumor that a new pervert author was on the rise, to continue Jiraiya's legacy. Eyes narrowed, ire raised, blood boiling, entire collection of Icha, Icha in hand, the Copy Nin stalked to his student to ask who the hell gave him the right to succeed such a genius.
"Danzou-san," Sai said simply. "He asked me to write a book on whatever I liked. I thought making money while I'm at it might not be bad too…so I'm writing hentai."
"I'm his editor!" Naruto chirped happily. Kakashi raised both eyes to the heavens. Naruto as editor: there was one book whose grammar was going to hell. Believe it!
"Lemme see what you have so far," the jounin demanded. Sai twitched, and glanced at Naruto. "Tell him." The blond nodded and folded his arms across his chest, somehow managing to stare down at his sensei. "The genius artist formerly known as Sai will not share any details of his manuscript work in progress, Icha, Icha Returns with Twice as Many Threesomes. The rough draft will be auctioned at a starting price of forty thousand yen when the book is printed. Any untoward disturbances to the artist's noble work will be punished by his editor/agent, Uzumaki Naruto. This rules and regulations will grow longer, but give it time because we just thought it up like, an hour ago."
Kakashi considered the speech. "What is he known as now?"
"Jiraiya Version 2.0, with sexier hair!"
"Oh dear lord," the older male groaned, "This is not happening. This is not happening."
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"Kakashi," Tsunade said firmly, "For the last time, it is not under my jurisdiction as to what Sai writes or why he writes it."
"But it's a sham! A scandal! A slap in the face to the memory of your best friend!" Kakashi waved his arms about wildly, foaming at the mouth. Tsunade stared him down.
"I. Don't. Care. Jiraiya was a glorious pervert, he'll probably be happy that someone's carrying on his work. If it bothers you that much, just don't read the book!"
"Yeah but—"
"Shut up!"
"But—!"
"Shut up!"
"B—"
"I
SAID SHUT UP DAMMIT!!"
Shizune quivered in fear as anger
flared from her master's person, and Kakashi meekly whimpered, "Yes
ma'am," before hotfooting it out the door. The legendary kunoichi
sat back in her chair, radiating the candescent pleasure of having
done a good day's work.
"Nothing like scaring the bejeezus out of a man to make your day, eh Shizune?" she said cheerily, pulling a stack of papers towards her. She looked around for her assistant, but the girl was nowhere to be found. "Huh. Guess I scared her a bit too."
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"Kakashi-san!"
"Shizune?" he frowned, "What's up?"
"I heard…about the new Icha-Icha book! I'm with you, this is sacrilege," she panted, having chased him down with a pig in her arms.
"I know!" he exploded, "I mean, does no one understand that to be the successor for something so gut-wrenchingly erotic, you have to be BORN with the talent?!"
"Yeah! And no one, no one in the whole wide world has the talent to write incest yuri like Jiraiya-sama did!" Shizune fumed.
Kakashi gripped her shoulder suddenly. "Incest yuri? Oh my gosh, you're my soul mate!"
She smacked him. "I don't think so! I'm just joining forces with you against a common enemy!"
He
rubbed his cheek. "Let's get
plotting!"
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Several hours, two severe brainstorms, and many Oreo cookies later, Sai submitted his manuscript to Naruto, who sweatdropped as he read it.
It's a calm, cool, day. There are three women in a field. They are having sex. Lots, and lots, and lots of sex. Two of the women are siblings. They make many erotic noises. That arouses the third woman. "Say my name," she says. So they say her name. "Whip me hard," she says, so they whip her hard. Eventually, they have so much sex that even in the calm, cool day, they are tired and hot. So they go to a stream to bathe. There they see two men having sex with one woman between them. It is very sexy. The three women are sexually aroused once more, and have sex again.
Naruto had to stop reading. He looked up at Sai. "Um, Sai, maybe you should work on it a little more," he suggested. Puzzlement glinted in the dark eyes. "Work on what?"
"Well…the whole thing. It kinda sucks," Naruto explained. Sai snatched the sheaves of paper away from him. "You are an awful editor!" he snapped, "I'm taking this to my publisher!"
"Wait!" Naruto called out to him, "You don't have a publisher!"
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"Right," Shizune said, "Remember the plan: you attack him, I'll grab the manuscript and burn it."
"And then we'll celebrate by having sex!" Kakashi enthused.
"NO!"
"Just a little bit?" the jounin pleaded.
"…How do you have just a little bit of sex?"
"I'd be glad to demonstrate…"
SMACK! "You idiot!" she snipped, "He's there, go get him!"
"Yes ma'am," the Copy Nin said dryly, then jumped down in front of the ANBU Root member, "BEWARE! YOU ARE UNDER ATTACK!" he bellowed.
"Hello Kakashi-sensei," Sai nodded pleasantly, "Nice dog mask."
"You like it? I got it at—um, I mean. BEWARE! I WILL NOW PUNCH YOU!"
"It's not very smart to announce your attack, is it?" Sai noted, "Kinda kills the element of surprise and, uh, stuff."
"Eh,
it's in the ninja handbook. Always yell your attack loudly and
obnoxiously to your enemy."
"Really?"
"NO DUMBFUCK I WAS SCREWING WITH YOU! NOW DIE!" Kakashi screeched as he tackled the boy to the ground.
"Help! Help! Boy-rape! HELP!!" Sai screamed in a panic. A score and a half well meaning women appeared out of no-where to beat the silver haired pervert into a pulp, coo over Sai, and leave in a fit of giggles. Sai dusted himself off and glanced apathetically at the jounin. "Well, good day, sensei. Hey, that rhymed! Maybe I should foray into poetry next…hmmm…"
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Soon, the entire populace of Konohagakure was flocking eagerly to the publisher's for a glimpse of the latest pervert book from the dormant Icha, Icha series. They all imagined the most spectacular nosebleeds they were likely to get and nearly wetted themselves from joy. Shizune and Kakashi watched the blasphemy sadly, shaking their heads.
"True believers and true fans would never even gaze at such shit!" Shizune spat, "Isn't that right—Kakashi-san? Are you reading that brat's book!?"
"Um," he said, "No…?"
"YES YOU ARE ITS RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HANDS YOU BIG LIAR!!"
"THE MONKIES MADE ME DO IT!" he screamed back at her. They stared at each other for a while in silence, then fought over the book.
"Aha!" the brunette yelled triumphantly, "Now I shall read!"
-a few minutes later-
"MY EYES!"
"Oh my god I just threw up last month's baloney over this shit!"
"That was the worst thing ever, including the image of your sister naked!"
"Is
this some kind of joke? We want the hentai! HENTAI!!"
"Hentai!
Hentai! Hentai!" very soon, a mob formed outside the building, and
when the tension built up to a breaking point, sexually frustrated
ninja stormed the place, looking for porn.
Sai watched proudly from a distance. "See how much they love my story?" he remarked to Naruto, "They're raiding the place for more copies!"
Naruto buried his head in his arms. "You're right Sai. That's exactly what they're doing."
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"Danzou, were you the idiot that asked this boy to write adult fiction?" Tsunade demanded angrily.
"Hentai," Sai corrected.
"Not specifically," Danzou mumbled.
"I swear to god, Sai, if you ever write a single word again, I will personally hang you from the rafters and let the fangirls feed on you!" the Hokage growled.
"Fangirls! That's what my story was missing—fangirls raping their favorite characters!"
"Sai!!"
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-laughs her ass off- OMG I loved the lemon, it sucked so much! Ahem, even though I say so myself. I write the best bad lemons!
