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Chapter 7 – Home Again
On arriving at the house, Carlisle directed Alice and Esme to take Bella to our room; rather, her room, and keep her company. The rest of us stayed outside to talk in private. I sat down on the porch, dejected.
"Emmett, you sat with Bella on the flight. Please give us your impressions," Carlisle requested. I was anxious to hear them as well.
"Well, I'm not quite sure what to say," Emmett responded, and I realized that this was the equivalent of asking a professional wrestler for his opinion on nuclear missile throw weight. "In some ways she seems the same – she's very sweet," and Emmett smiled in recollection.
Although I saw Bella's "sweetness," that's not how I would have ever summed up her personality. Her dry sense of humor and sarcasm always proved to me that her personality was not "sweet". But of course, that was one of the things I loved most about her. At the same time, when it came to her affection for me, I could recognize that my impressions were no so different from Emmett's. I had always been overcome by the depth of her love – her selflessness, her devotion - so much so that at certain times I had trouble believing it. When I considered that, I thought I might be able to recognize this new Bella – the self-doubting and insecure Bella who needed me so much it tore at my heart and caused me pain just to be away from her. The Bella that incited, from the very first time I saw her, a long dead instinct to protect and shield her from harm, to keep her safely at my side.
The realization hit me with ill-timed force. I could finally put name to one of the feelings that had continuously assaulted me over the last several weeks. I had been under so much pressure I had not taken the time to identify it, but the fact was my arms literally ached to hold Bella. My whole body ached to hold her. And in that moment when the thought took form in my mind, it took every ounce of willpower I had to not rush into the house and take her into a suffocating embrace.
I looked up to see the others staring at me. This wouldn't do – it was time to get on track. "Carlisle, when do you intend to examine Bella and give me your assessment?"
"Tomorrow, I think, after she has become somewhat acclimated to the house. We'll let Esme and Alice tend to her tonight. In the morning, I will speak with her. Edward, I suppose it's obvious by now, but I strongly suggest that you keep your distance. You are measurably calmer, but I would prefer that you wait upon my diagnosis before intervening."
Carlisle was subtle, as always. I would need to muster as much patience as I could, more than I had ever exhibited the capacity for, to help Bella through this. I indicated my understanding of that broader message with a nod of my head.
Carlisle spent the next morning with Bella. Esme attended as well, holding Bella's hand. I wanted to listen more than anything, but Alice interrupted. She asked me to come outside with her, and I willingly followed.
"Alice, please tell me – I can take anything – but I can't stand not knowing anymore," I pleaded.
Alice was honest. "I want to get a little further away from the house, because I think you will go berserk, and Bella can't take that. She is incredibly sensitive right now. So I need you to promise me that you will stay in control."
I braced myself and nodded my acceptance of her condition.
"I think I know how they got around my visions, at least in part. I had never really thought about it in this way, but I guess it makes sense. Obviously, it's always harder to see the things you really want to see, as opposed to things that just appear. But Aro must have figured something out after he touched my hand that one time, because I now know why I couldn't see anything, and it's so fundamental, I feel like a fool."
"What is it Alice," I asked, taking her hand.
"They kept her in the dark."
"What do you mean," I questioned, not understanding.
"Well, it's the most basic of things that all people need to see – something we don't even think about - light. Even our kind need some light to see – at least a tiny glimmer. But they always kept her isolated in pitch darkness – in the van and in the plane, I suppose, but certainly wherever they changed her. Bella went through all that pain completely isolated, unable to see a single thing other than blackness. It's no wonder that her mind has taken refuge somewhere else."
I fell to my knees. Other than Alice, who had no memories of the event whatsoever, good or bad, we had all had someone to explain what was happening regardless of their motivations, to hold our hand, to ease our distress. Bella had nothing. She had literally been left alone in the dark to die.
