So another chapter. The last one was pretty sad. That carries on into this one, sorry. The next one will be less tragic (probably). So how's everyone been? Has everyone seen the Captain America 2 trailer? Who is under that sheet that would make the Black Widow cry? I'm scared. Well onto the story, I obviously don't own Marvel.
September 16th 1997
Bella rested her head on her father's knee. She hadn't let him out of her sight since 11 days ago when Clint and Natasha returned to SHIELD. The three of them sat in the backseat of a SHIELD vehicle, Natasha and Lint had been in this position before. Quietly sit in the back of the vehicle go to the funeral say a few words about the agent, to their family (should they have any) then return home to their lives. This time was different. Both of their speeches would be much more personnel and Natasha had volunteered to put Helena's star on SHIELD's wall of the dead.
That of course wasn't the official name but that's what it was.
It was at the SHIELD academy, every Agent who was killed in action got a star with their name and age underneath.
Agent Helena Louise McKinnon, aged 19.
And overtop a simple black star, Natasha had placed the star in its position a few days before. Helena would be buried in one of SHIELDS many cemeteries, one closest to her home was chosen, one of the smaller cemeteries just outside of Las Vegas Nevada. They're weren't that many graves, for SHIELD anyway. No more than fifty. Which might have been a good thing, but Natasha knew how many bodies were buried in other places, Washington D.C. Dozens of rows, hundreds of people. Almost no visitors.
That's what hit Clint and Natasha hardest, nearly no one came to see those graves because there was no one to mourn the loss of who was buried there. Many agents of SHIELD don't come from good homes, or a real home at all. Many were foster kids, or victims of abuse or survivors of some traumatic event. There were a few who simply just wanted to save lives, protect people, but still very few. All of them had something happen to make them want this job, all of them were a little frayed around to the edges. Helena was no different, it turns out she came from a big family, four sibling, she was the middle child. Two older sisters, two younger. Natasha figured it would have been hard for her, but having no siblings herself she couldn't relate. She learned from Helena's file that it wasn't. Helena loved her family, she wanted to be a nurse add fall in love and have a large family like her mother. Naturally something had to change.
Natasha didn't think people thought enough about how a single phone call could change someone's life. Shatter them or save them. A ringing phone could change everything. For Helena, her father and youngest sister it might as well have killed them. When Helena was 15 she lost her mother and three of her sisters to a car crash. Leaving her, her father and her 11 year old sister. Unfortunately her father slipped into alcoholism and abuse, leaving Helena to care for her sister. And she did great, both she and her sister did amazing in school and Helena worked tirelessly at finding something better for her and her sister.
Eventually she did, she applied to SHIELD when she was 18 and was immediately trained in the field and being a pilot. She moved her sister out of their fathers and got her into a better school. Helena was the closest thing to a responsible parent the 15 year old had, now she had to return to her father.
Natasha stepped out of the sleek black car, Bella held onto her mother's hand with one hand and her father's with the other. Natasha spotted a teenage girl who looked nearly identical to Helena standing and partially supporting a very dishevelled man who could only be her father. Natasha had seen the man once before when Fury broke the news to him and his only daughter. The man had seen Natasha and yelled something incoherent and broke down, Natasha was disgusted with him. It should be him caring for his daughter, not the other way around. He approached Natasha
"It's not fair!" he screamed, she pushed Bella behind her
"Sir, calm down." Clint said, Helena's father waved his hands at him
"No! It's not fair!" his voice was breaking, it was obvious he was drunk. Natasha stepped towards him
"I think it would be best if you calmed down." He shook his head violently
"No, it's not fair! It's not fair that you can just walk away and go home to your daughter when all of four of mine are dead! Dead! They are never coming back, and I blame you! For Helena! You let her! You let her die! It's all your fault!" he screamed through sobs.
Natasha was lost for words, she stared at him, taking her time to process what he had said. Clint jumped in
"Listen Sir, I know how it feels to lose someone you love. And I know you want to find someone to blame."
Mr. McKinnon was about to cut in when Clint kept talking
"But you need to know that even though it seems like you've lost everything you haven't."
He gestured across the cemetery to an incredibly shocked teenage girl
"She need's you. She need's you to check in and stop being an ass. You have lost so much and I am so sorry but you still have her. So do what Helena would have wanted and clean up, check in and get to know your daughter. Because she's all you have left."
He stood completely still Clint glared at him "And I'll be watching. And if you don't do your daughter well I will kill you."
Clint stepped back, subconsciously stepping in front of Natasha and Bella who was behind her. Mr. McKinnon stepped back, away from Clint. His daughter shook herself from her shook and raced over and pulled her father farther away.
"I'm so sorry about him." She said as she dragged her father away, Natasha grabbed the 15 year olds hand
"Don't be, it's not your job." She teenager looked up at Natasha, the red head frowned. She had her sisters eyes, but with so much less life. They were glazed over, Natasha didn't want to know how long it had been since she had smiled. Helena's sister nodded, then Natasha did something very un-Natasha. She pulled the teenager into a hug, the girl immediately broke down in Natasha's arms. She began hysterically crying, Natasha wondered if she even had the chance to grieve or if she had been so busy dealing with her pathetic father. Bella held onto the leg of the teenager, she smiled down at the three year old. The teenager let Natasha go, the redhead awkwardly patted her on the shoulder, Clint handed her a business card
"If you ever need anything call, its Mellissa correct?" she nodded and took the card then ran off after her father. Natasha watched her leave, Clint wrapped his arm around her shoulders
"He's wrong, you couldn't have stopped Helena. None of it was your fault."
Natasha shook her head "Not this time, I'm not falsely blaming myself Clint. There was a lot I could have done. Could have thrown her out of the jet and gone without a co-pilot. I could have made her stay behind, I could have kept her off the roof. There was a lot I could have done and I didn't. It's my fault Clint, nothing you or anyone says can change that. She's a ghost and I'm to blame."
Clint opened his mouth to say something, disagree with everything she just said. Natasha simply shook her head
"Not this time Barton. Helena's on me."
Clint frowned but he knew he couldn't argue with her, he knew he would be the same way. Natasha gestured to the seats,
"Go sit, I have my speech." Clint nodded and grabbed Bella's hand, she frowned
"Mommy." Clint picked up his daughter
"She'll be right back." Bella pouted as her father carried her over to their seats. Natasha sighed and stepped up onto a small black stage and stepped behind a podium. An eerie silence fell over the already quiet graveyard.
"I'm Agent Romanoff, Natasha. I was one of the last people to see Helena alive." Natasha wasn't sure what she expected from her opening statement but dead silence wasn't one of them, she continued on
"I only knew Helena for a few hours. In that time I felt strangely attached to her, it was about halfway through out flight that I realized it was because we were so alike and because she is exactly how I imagine my own daughter growing up to be. A strong willed, brave, independent and caring young woman. From what I know about her past, Helena was always the way she is. And I can tell she made a huge impact on the people she loved and the people who loved her. I think, no. I know that the people we lose never really leave us, and I know losing someone so young is so much worse. But there will always be a ghost, a memory, and it's how you chose to please that ghost and honour a memory that defines how much you cared for the person you lost. And I think it wise to honour a ghost be pleasing those still living who've been hurt the most."
Mr. McKinnon looked up to see Natasha staring directly at him, his eye darted away from her cold gaze, and she looked over the small crowd of people. Suddenly she felt the need to say something much nicer
"And when the ghost is someone like Helena, you can't not do everything you can to honour her memory. In a short span of time we were a team and I learnt a lot from her and I hope to bring that knowledge to my own work. She proved to me even the best are still learning, I think given a little more time she could have taught so much more to so many other people. But instead we are left with whatever mark she left us, good or bad it proved she was there and it's proof that we are all going to be haunted by a ghost and I'm sorry because I know there was more I could have done, but we have to keep going because that's what she would want. We have to keep going so that were not haunted by a ghost but greeted with a memory." She paused and noticed a few people were tearing up, she frowned
"I am sorry for this loss." She quickly added before walking away from the podium and to the back of the stage where she stood with the few others who were saying something.
Natasha found herself zoning out during the other speeches. They just didn't mean anything, the same words repeated at every funeral just with a different name on the grave. She had never spoken words at a funeral before and meant them, to her the death of a fellow Agent had always just been something that happened, some people felt the loss, and some didn't. Both Clint and Natasha were used to not feeling, being at a funeral where you knew the deceased and you knew you could have done more, hurt. Once Fury concluded the ceremony and everyone said their goodbyes, Natasha nearly ran off of the stage grabbed Clint and Bella and be-lined for the car. Once inside she broke down. Clint pulled her into his chest and Bella wrapped her arms around her mother.
"Tasha. It's gonna be okay." He soothed, she didn't say anything. Bella rested her head on her mother's side.
"Don't cry. Why are you crying?" Natasha wrapped one of her arms around Bella.
"Don't worry, I'm okay. I'm okay. Just promise you won't do this to me."
Clint kissed Natasha's head, Bella stared up at Natasha "I don't wanna make you cry."
Natasha gave her daughter a sad smile. Clint wrapped his arms tighter around Natasha.
"I won't Nat. I won't."
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September 30th 1994, Izabella age 3
The next few weeks passed quickly and quietly. Driving to preschool, running errands and a few doctors' appointments for Clint. The three of them quickly settled back into their somewhat ordinary life. Unfortunately assuming things would stay the same for any length of time was a mistake they seemed to continue making.
Natasha jolted awake, she searched around for Clint then remembered he was pulling an all-nighter at SHIELD. Working on a case, he'd never have to go into the field, but to make up for that he was working tirelessly on simply finding the target. Natasha frowned, she wasn't sure why she had woken up, and she hadn't been having a nightmare. Quickly she sprinted out of bed and checked on Bella. The toddler was sound asleep, Natasha quickly checked the rest of the house.
Nothing, still not sure why she had woken up she racked her mind for anything she might have had to do. She couldn't re call anything. In frustration she banged her fist on the kitchen counter. In doing that she sent a few paper on the counter flying onto the ground, she crouched down to pick them up, when she put them back on the counter she sorted through the paper. A few old bills, some SHIELD paperwork and a calendar. She glanced at the date then dropped it.
"Shit."
So sorry for the long update I went on vacation for a bit then procrastinated my entire life for a while (which was a mistake). Got some new obsessions and nearly fell asleep in the middle of class more than twice (how's your life been?). Also the whole My Chemical Romance breakup really hit me a couple days ago and I just sort of laid on the floor for a bit. I seriously think you can all guess what just happened with Natasha, feel free to say what you think in a review and to that one guest reviewer who said some really nice things on Valentine's Day, I love you. So keep following/favoriting reviewing.
