A/N: Ahem. *stumbles in* Hi everyone. I'm back from an extended unplanned hiatus. I just wasn't in a writing mood for a while. But I'm back and I'm better. I think. I've actually been thinking about this story a lot and I have some big plans for it.

P.S: Again, another lemon. This story just sort of calls for it.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.

Chapter 8: Making Sense

I have my grandfather cremated. Quietly. I don't tell anyone. I have it done the evening he dies because I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to think about it, so I get rid of it. Or so I think. But it turns out getting rid of grampa's body doesn't make it any better and there is something coiling inside of me. I can't see right, like something red and hot is blurring my vision. I look around. They tell me to come get him tomorrow. Like this will make it better. Like he'll be alive when I come back. The kid doing the cremation process looks like he's about my age. He's laughing and joking. How can he? I want to grab him and do the work myself. Someone with more decency should be doing this. Not some shithead with no high school diploma. The red in my vision flashes. I have to get the fuck out of here.

The sidewalk is moving underneath me almost. I feeling like I'm flying. I don't know where I'm planning on going, but my instincts tell where I should go. Yami's apartment. Taxis drive by. I could call him or Mai. But I walk. The coil inside me tightens. I can't do this. People don't really notice me as I fade in and out of their lives. It's late, I know that. Nearly eleven o'clock at night. But I don't care. I've got to be someplace other than the hospital and in his arms is the safest and surest bet. It's the only place where I can actually let everything go. Where the world doesn't seem so big.

The coil groans.

I bang on the door even though I've got a key. He stumbles as it opens because I've launched myself at him, no explanation, nothing. "Yugi!" he breathes. I capture his words in a kiss. It's harsh and think and layered with pain and hurt and anger and tears. I hate my grandfather. I hate myself for hating him. I hate my parents for leaving me and never coming back. I hate Tea for not understanding. I hate myself again for lying to her and forcing her to not understand. I hate everything about this moment. And yet...

And yet I can't get enough of it. We're peeling off layers and then we're on the bed. But I don't go under him or let him inside. I push into him first and he yells. This is new. I can see the shock and surprise on his face. But I'm not giving this up. I push and thrust and shove and scream. Scream because there is no one left in the world who truly loves me but him. Scream because this is all I can think to do. Scream because doing this, acting this way, feels so fucking good. And so unbelievably twisted. And great.

The coil unwinds.

And I release into him with a strange and alien fury that I've never known. He cries out and does the same. Our damp bodies slide away from one another and I break down into his neck. What am I going to do? There there, aibou. It's going to be alright. I'm so alone. You've got me. I have no family. What about your parents? I can't do this. I have no one. You have me. Isn't that enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I blink. Where am I? I look at the ceiling that is not mine. The small bed where I am alone. The smell of coffee. The sound of someone whistling. I smile. Yami. "Morning," he says, bringing me a mug that is piping hot. "Feeling better?"

"Was I feeling bad?"

"You were a mess last night."

"What happened?" He laughs. "Oh. Right. Sorry...about that."

"No no. It was fine. Fun, actually. Or it would have been, if you hadn't been so upset. But you'll be okay, I know that for sure." I shrug. "Maybe you should call your parents." I look away from him.

"They're dead."

"Oh."

"But it was a long time ago. I mean, I only remember little things."

"I think that's the worst," he says quietly. I look at him quizically. "Well, you remember enough for it to be painful. But not enough for it to hurt just as bad. I never knew my mother, so I never got to experience life with her. My father....well, he's been dead a while and life without him is strangely...hollow. I guess you could say." He smiles sadly. "You'll be okay. I promise. But you should go to class. Not today, but tomorrow. Life goes on, even in the face of death Yugi. Remember that." He kisses me soft and slow and I lean back on the pillows and fall asleep again. When I wake up, he's not there, but comes back a few minutes later with some food.

"I didn't feel like cooking."

"Good idea." We spend the rest of the evening eating bad Chinese take-out and working on an essay I forgot to do for tomorrow. It's a long night...a very long night indeed.

The rest of the week passes in strange fleeting hours. Days tick by and I don't really notice them. I go to class, I eat, I sleep. I don't dream or wake in the middle of the night. Yami keeps me grounded when the moon is out. It's our time and she is our mother, I think. She looks at us and I feel safer. In the day, it isn't as good. I'm in class or wandering around my own head. I have my grampa's ashes now, but I don't know what to do with them. I mean, what the hell do you do with something like that? It's creepy to keep it, but I don't want to...waste him. I want him to mean something. I want his death to be more than just a stroke that took his life without warning. I want there to be something more to him and the things he believed in. But I'm not sure what to do with him. So I stash the ashes away. I don't want people to see him. They're mine.

On Friday I decide I should go back to my house. Though I don't want to be alone there, I'm running out of clean clothes and Yami thinks I should stay there at least once. He thinks it'll do me some good. Besides, he's going away for the weekend to a dog race and I don't feel like going. And staying alone in his house is out of the question. As I near my house I see Tea, Joey and Tristan. Fuck, I think to myself and prepare for the onslaught.

But there isn't one. Tea simply hugs me. "We thought you didn't have class on Friday."

"That was last semester," I say quietly, untangling myself from her arms. I nod at the others and unlock the door, leaving it open for them to come in. It feels empty in here, like something is wrong. I have my grandfathers ashes in a bag, but I put it in the hall closet behind some boxes. No one needs to see them. No one needs to know where they are. No one but me. Turning toward them, I give a heavy sigh. They need to leave. Now. But they're settling in as though they want to stay. "What's up?"

"We wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight. Get together."

"Tonight?"

"What? Are you doing something with that guy?" Tea asked quietly.

"No, he's out of town."

"Where?"

"A...seminar."

"Pharmacists have seminars?"

"Yeah," I manage. "Not tonight, alright? Maybe...maybe next weekend." I rub my eyes and look at them. Tea nods. But this is going to be a long road to walk down, this road to forgiveness. A road I'm not sure I'm well enough to travel down. "Yes. Next weekend. Okay?" Cue your exit, I think. Leave. Go away. I need to curl up in a corner in my kitchen and die. But I don't tell them that. They leave me alone and I stand in the living room feeling as empty as my house. I want to be with Yami, but he's gone and so I'll have to be alone. Because being with anyone else just doesn't make sense anymore.