Disclaimer: I have no claim on either Buffy: The Vampire Slayer or Stargate SG-1. They belong to their respective creators.

Chapter 8

Sitting on the edge of the long conference table, Xander tried his best to look attentive. His results were mixed. He couldn't bring himself to focus on any conversation involving the word architecture. At least when it wasn't talking about big rocks and instead ones and zeroes. Xander picked at the edge of his cast and quietly regretted begging for his place in this meeting.

"Can you give me a summary in ten words?" Jack asked, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking only slightly more with it than Xander.

Hearing the word summary, Xander perked his ears hopefully.

Carter, standing at the head of the table, cleared her throat and answered, "By Combining the Goa'uld code shifts supplied by the Tok'ra, techniques developed during the cold war, and several contemporary-"

"After three weeks we managed to get into the data cache," Daniel interrupted quickly, moving in front of Carter.

"We have a dozen networked computers pulling off everything as we speak," Carter added, giving Daniel a sour look.

"That was eleven words," Jack declared, staring at both his hands with all their fingers extended.

"How long will it take to get everything copied?" Hammond asked, unenthusiastically flipping through the paper hand-out.

Carter made a rueful face and answered, "We can't say exactly. We aren't even sure how much there is, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was hundreds of terabytes. All of it in a completely alien architecture and encrypted."

"How long?" Hammond asked again.

"Weeks?" Carter answered, looking uncertain in her own answer.

"Is that the whole reason we came here?" Xander asked, trying to sound more surprised than impatient. "Have we really gotten nothing out of it so far?"

After he spoke up, the whole room shifted its attention to him, leaving Xander to shrink back uncomfortably before asking, "Is there a seniority thing? Am I not allowed to interrupt?" Leaning over to Jack, he loudly whispered, "You say it instead."

"Is this the only reason we're here?" Jack asked dutifully. "You could've just sent out an eleven word memo, or told me as we passed each other in the hallway."

"If we'd done that, then Carter wouldn't have gotten to reveal her process," Daniel remarked with a smile. "She was so excited about it."

"Daniel," Jack started with all the solemnity of one addressing a murder suspect. "It's pizza day."

"Sometimes it feels like every day is pizza day for you," Xander observed. As he spoke, he tried to rest his elbow on the table, but the cast was slipperier than he thought. He almost slammed his chin on the tabletop before catching himself.

"It's different when the government foots the bill," Jack responded with a wave of his hand.

"Yeah, cause they get the cheap stuff."

"It might be cheap to them," Jack responded, waving his finger with the air of one instructing a disciple. "But it's free to me. That's what it's all about."

"It's not free. We all have to pay for it. That's how taxes work."

"I'm a government employee," Jack rebutted smugly. "I don't pay taxes. They just pay less than they theoretically would."

Xander gave Jack a scowl. Then, after a second, his face brightened and he asked, "I'm a government employee now, too, right? DO I have to pay taxes?"

"You're a private contractor," Daniel cut in knowingly. "They pay you less and you have to pay taxes."

"That seems not ideal…" Xander remarked sullenly.

"You can always join up," Jack suggested. "Ladies love a man in uniform.

"Strippers," Xander corrected, staring off into somewhere very distant. "Women love strippers in uniform."

"I have work to do today," Hammond finally cut in.

"Right, sorry… sir," Xander responded, sinking back into his chair.

"Where even were we?" Carter asked, running her hand through her hair.

"I think it was my turn," Daniel answered. Then he turned to the others and said, "We've been pulling data off of it since two days ago. Most of it is incomprehensible until they can do more computer stuff to it. However, we were able to open a series of documents that look to be a journal."

"So we're reading someone's diary?" Xander asked, having forgotten the timidity from seconds ago. "Whose?"

Daniel paused for a moment at that question. Then, continued without acknowledging it. "Everything here is still preliminary, but some of the implications are staggering."

"So you don't know who?" Jack asked slowly.

"The file doesn't have a name on it, no," Daniel answered, exasperatedly. "So far, our best guess is that it was written by the Goa'uld in the monkey host that Xander encountered. He said the cache was his, right?"

"He said he was looking for his legacy," Xander answered with a shrug. "He never mentioned the cache specifically. Maybe his legacy was one of the staff weapons the jaffa had. Maybe that was why he stopped chasing us."

"Somehow I doubt that," Daniel commented dryly.

"It'd be funny though, right?' Xander asked with a grin. "Like a little twist."

"I doubt a Goa'uld would assault another Goa'uld's palace for a staff weapon," Daniel responded.

"I don't know, he seemed pretty touchy," Xander said earnestly. "I mean, he basically chased me through an entire labyrinth."

"And all you did was make him bite off a piece of his own body," Jack added.

"You make it sound like a bigger deal than it was," Xander shot back with a frown. "It wasn't even his real body… I bet he's forgotten all about it."

"That might be the most optimistic thing I've ever heard," Jack observed slowly. "And I've had to think up plans to octuple-handedly save the world from alien invasion."

"Eight people?" Xander asked, a bit surprised. "That's plenty."

"Eight hands," Jack corrected.

Xander frowned, then he shrugged.

"Either way, I think we should focus on what we can confirm…" Daniel's voice petered out and he adjusted his glasses before muttering, "A personal diary isn't exactly confirmation… But still! I think I've made a breakthrough on one of the most pressing questions we've had about the Goa'uld since meeting them."

"Why they're attracted to sexy women?" Jack asked, seeming to have forgotten his urgent pizza date. "That's always bothered me. They're snakes. They should be into bald people without noses."

"Like Voldemort," Xander responded, nodding his immediate understanding of that sentiment.

Jack merely furrowed his brow at that reference.

"Or Michael Jackson," Carter added after a second.

"Michael Jackson always had hair," Jack criticized.

"A curious question…" Daniel muttered, staring at the floor in thought. The he violently shook himself from his reverie. Replacing the glasses that were almost jiggled free from his face, he said, "No. I think you're the only person to ever ask that question… though, I'll look into it later…"

As Daniel spoke, Xander remembered something and shot his hand up, shouting, "Bathrooms!"

With all attention gathering on him once again, Xander sheepishly lowered his hand, explaining, "When I was in the facility I didn't find a single bathroom. I was wondering if Goa'uld even had to poop."

"I have seen many Goa'uld claim they do not," Teal'c's even voice cut in for the first time since the meeting began. "They say gods have no need of relieving themselves. However, while his first prime, I witnessed Apophis enter a hidden restroom in his private quarters."

"So they're Kim Jong-Iling it," Xander observed with a satisfied nod.

"I do not get the reference," Teal'c responded stoically.

"He's an evil clown in Korea," Jack explained with a wave of his hand.

"Like Pennywise," Teal'c observed, closing his eyes and giving one, deep nod. "He must be quite fearsome."

"I don't see how that could be any kind of mystery," Daniel responded with a shake of his head. "We've had Goa'uld in custody before. We know about heir bodily functions."

"Sorry if I've never watched a Goa'uld poop before," Xander replied, leaning back in his chair sullenly.

"You should be glad," Jack stated, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling. "It's an unpleasant situation for everyone involved."

Daniel shuddered at that. Then he took charge of the meeting before anyone else could. "The question I'm talking about is the progress of Goa'uld civilization. For the last millennia, the Goa'uld have faced off with the Asgard and had continual internal strife. More than enough pressure to force societal and scientific development. In spite of this, they appear to have remained stagnant."

Growing increasingly impassioned, Daniel picked one of the information packets from the table and pointed to some of the illustrations as he continued, "Just looking at the architecture and hieroglyphics shows how little they've evolved. In the same time humans went from living in clay huts to building skyscrapers, the Goa'uld went from flying pyramid spaceships to flying pyramid spaceships. They haven't even token aesthetic changes as far as I can tell."

"I do feel like, after a few millennia, somebody would've realized how dumb it looks to have a giant gold pyramid in the middle of your space ship," Jack remarked, cradling his chin in his hand and resting his elbow on the table. "So gaudy."

"Or come up with some defense against throwing knives," Carter added, thoughtfully. "Most of the people who want to kill them are restricted to fighting with sticks and stones."

"You should never under estimate the power of sticks and stones," Xander cautioned.

"Exactly my point," Carter responded with a smile.

"The problem goes even farther than that," Daniel declared with the fervor of an expert who managed to wrangle the interests of some laymen. "Based on their current societal structure, the Goa'uld should never have made it into space. Even with the ancient's technology to reverse engineer, there would be no one to reverse engineer it. Think about it. There are almost no Goa'uld merchants, or doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. They're almost all feudal lords with people above them and people below them. They spend all their time either trying to increase or maintain their position in the ranks."

"You think having human slaves kept them from needing to develop?" Jack asked in one of his rare moments of genuine academic consideration.

"It certainly would've helped," Daniel answered with a shrug. "There's definitely a case to be made that slavery in human societies severely retarded technological development. However, that can't account for all of it. Even in slaver societies there is art. When was the last time you saw a Goa'uld statue that wasn't in their own honor?"

"Depends. Does it count as in their own honor if it's tacky?" Jack asked with a ridiculing grin.

"Do you have a conclusion to make, Dr. Jackson?" Hammond asked, his deep, commanding voice cutting through Daniel's fervor.

Daniel cleared his throat as he flipped through the pamphlet he was holding. When he found the desired page, he slapped it down on the table and pointed at a specific paragraph no one even pretended to start reading. "The journal we found in the data cache claims to be the from the last true Goa'uld engineer. The designer of the sarcophagus."

That last declaration left everyone except Daniel, Carter, and Xander to raise their eyebrows in shock.

"Can you verify that claim?" Hammond asked immediately.

"Not yet," Daniel answered earnestly. "However, the data cache itself seems beyond current Goa'uld data storage technology and I believe we'll find some corroboration when we can fully process the scientific data we're pulling from it." After Daniel gave his answer, he scanned the group for further questions before moving on.

After a few seconds of silence, Xander slowly raised his hand. "A sarcophagus is like a coffin, right? I'm not getting that wrong?"

"A sarcophagus is a Goa'uld device to extend life and heal all injuries," Jack answered nonchalantly.

"That sounds good," Xander responded, taking his turn at being shocked.

"It's also addictive and turns you evil," Daniel added.

"That sounds a lot less good… a lot." Privately, Xander wondered what it was like to be turned evil. He imagined it involved growing a mustache.

"No, not good at all," Daniel agreed sternly. "Back to the journal. As I said, the author claims to have created the first of the sarcophagi. He was excited by its potential, but also worried by the potential for interfering with mental processes he noted during animal and human testing. In order to gather conclusive data, he disseminated the technology throughout the Goa'uld elite. After a while, he observed what we have. A rise in narcissism and consequent reduction in value of all forms of life. An almost narcotic addiction to the machine itself. Moderate increase in risk taking behavior from the knowledge of immortality."

Daniel paused for a moment to grab a glass of water and wet his throat. Then he quickly scanned for the room's attention before continuing, "There was one side-effect the author noted that we haven't. The one side-effect that persuaded him to pursue different routes of experimentation. After continual exposure to the sarcophagi, individuals exhibited a complete destruction of creativity and mental flexibility. The author himself couldn't decide whether that was a natural consequence of the megalomania or a side-effect unto itself. However, it was supposedly very stark."

"So, becoming narcissistic and boring is why there are no Goa'uld accountants?" Jack asked, running his hand through his silver-grey hair and scratching the back of his head.

"I was always under the impression that creativity was the last thing you wanted in an accountant," Xander mused. "Legally speaking, at least."

"Alright, bad example," Jack responded with a shrug.

"This is very interesting, Doctor," Hammond started companionably. "However, I was hoping for something with a bit more application. That data cache was very expensive to recover."

"No one died to get it," Xander rebutted quickly. He was very proud of that fact. A team of three scientists and a mysterious stranger ran into space Bigfoot. By horror movie convention, Xander should've been the only one to survive. Then he would've walked off into the sunset with a girl who was there for some reason.

"Do you know how much the equipment you left behind cost?" Hammond asked, cutting through Xander's musing.

"Five sandwiches." Xander guessed firmly.

"You have a habit of eating gold bars, son?" Hammond asked back critically.

"…if I promise to stop throwing away computers, will you stop giving me that look?"

"I imagine the data cache will give us better information as time goes forward," Daniel cut in when he found the opportunity. "However, this revelation has given us some insight into how we've been able to do so well in the war against the Goa'uld. Never before have two cultures, with a technology gap as big as ours, clashed and had the more primitive come out on top."

"Primitive is offensive," Jack spoke up critically. "I'd rather be known as a Remedial American."

"Brain damage that impedes their creative thought would explain why Jack is able to run circles around them all the time," Daniel declared, ignoring Jack's words. "I mean, I have trouble keeping up with him sometimes and I am not a brain damaged mummy."

"So your big revelation from this was that you should keep doing what you've been doing?" Xander asked, a bemused smile spreading across his face.

"…but with more confidence," Daniel slowly declared with a distinct lack of confidence.

"It is always good to learn more about new enemies," Teal'c spoke up, his face remaining characteristically stony.

"Does he have to be our enemy?" Carter asked, turning hopeful eyes on the rest of the meeting. "He shuns the sarcophagus and doesn't seem to have a great relationship with the system lords, what with using them as guinea pigs. He's over halfway to becoming a Tok'ra."

"Xander did cut his tongue off," Jack observed.

"I didn't cut his tongue off," Xander rebutted defensively. "He cut his own tongue off. I just helped… a bit."

"And I'm sure he's so grateful for your assistance," Jack responded with one raised eyebrow.

"…He was hard to make out after, but I don't think he was." The thought of potentially sparking a third front in their galactic war made Xander's heart sink.

"The Tok'ra don't experiment on their own people," Hammond declared. "Based on Xander's account, he didn't sound particularly kind towards humans. I think it's best to regard the ape man as a potential enemy, but not to engage unless first provoked. I'll release and announcement to that effect. Now, if neither of you have anything else-"

Just as Hammond was about to dismiss the meeting, an alarm started to play over the base's loud speakers. At first Xander had no reaction to this. He'd grown used to people coming and going through the gate over the past few weeks. Then he realized that it sounded slightly different from what he was used to.

Xander turned questioning eyes towards Jack, who immediately answered, "Someone is breaking into the base."

Author's Note:

Sorry for the late and short uploads. Don't really have an excuse, but I apologize. Also, don't expect it to change any time soon since the Destiny 2 Beta is this week. So, I'll see you IF I see you this week… Yeah… I'll try my best.