Chapter 8: Locking Up Mom
My mom's in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon, these people all had a touch of crazy that fueled there brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mom. Then again, Winston Churchill never tired to kill my dad
(A month ago)
Papa Titus was running down the highway screaming "Juanita please, stop".
"We never talk anymore Kenneth" screamed Juanita who was chasing him with a broken whine bottle.
Schizophrenia alters the chemical balance in the brain and can make some people super strong. Lucky for dad, before mom caught him, the cops caught mom. Of course, nobody was there to catch the cop.
(An hour later)
"Get the cuffs on her" screamed Ken as several cops started to rundown Juanita. Juanita swung at one of them and the cop flew over his own car. Ken amazed by distance the cop flew said "Damn you cleared the lights. Boy is Juanita all of a sudden hot."
(Reading a book titled Titus and Mom)
See my mom. See the doctors release my mom from the hospital. See Titus. See Titus run to the mental hospital to make sure mom's locked up. Run Titus Run.
(Now)
Titus, Erin, Tommy, and Dave walked into a small room with chain link fences for walls. One wall had a glass window and behind it, was the receptionist. As the door shut behind them, Erin asked "Do you think were doing the right thing. This place is like a prison"
"Well Mom's kinda like a criminal" said Titus
"Honey, maybe she
should be released. She passed all the test"
"She passed all
the test because they don't ask 'upon release, will you kill your
family'?"
"Or she stole the answers" said Dave
"Hey what if they let her out" said Tommy.
"Oh there not letting her out. Dads in there right now making sure her name is on the lobotomy sine up sheet."
"Don't you think that's a bit harsh? She is your mom" said Erin.
"Look, I am just here
not to lock her up but to nod and go 'good job dad'."
"Be
nice" said Erin as she walked up to the receptionist window and
said "Excuse me, we're here for Juanita Titus's competency
hearing"
"To prove that she's incompetent" said Titus
The receptionist turned around and revealed her face. Titus screamed "MOM"
Dave went to the door and said "Doors locked"
Tommy started crying "oh no, the doors locked"
Titus screamed "She's killed Dad and taken over RUN."
Juanita started to smile and wave. Tommy was curled in the fetal position, Titus and Erin were banging on the door, and Dave was climbing the wall.
Later after watching the group freak out on the security tapes, Juanita let them into the facility. The group eventually calmed down and Juanita said "I know my reputation Christopher but, don't you think you overreacted"
Titus said "I prefer to think of it as the will to live. What's going on mom? You're a mental patient in a mental hospital. When did they make you a concierge?"
"I'm a trustee."
A doctor walked by and Titus asked "Why is a manic depressive schizophrenic running the front desk?"
The doctor smiled and said "Because she's so darn good at it." Juanita proceeded to introduce the doctor to Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy. Titus made sure that they weren't fooled like the last time Juanita pretended to be sane. This went on till the Doctor asked "Has Ken Titus arrived yet?"
Titus said "Oh I don't know Mom we were supposed to meet him here or, did you get to him first"
"He's probably stuck in traffic" said Juanita"
"Or in a mason jar" said Titus
"Or something you put jam in" said Dave
"Like a mason jar" said Titus
Erin said "Guys your mother did not cut up your father and put him in a mason jar. Right"
"You guys are hurting
my feelings and being schizophrenic, I'm feeling for two" said
Juanita. She continued "We can start without your dad."
Titus
said "No you see, that would hurt his Feelings. You see, keeping
you locked up in a mental hospital replaces our father son picnic".
The Doctor said "We'll
start in 5 minuets."
Juanita started to walk towards the room
where the meeting was being held and said "Now are your sure You
wanna try to keep me in here"
"Oh, Dad is coming. There is no way your getting out of here" said Titus
Juanita pinched Titus cheek and said "Oh, the way you were raised its so cute that you have that much hope. Well, I'm good to go"
Titus turned to Tommy and Dave. Tommy was still shaking with fear and like a baby said "Wait for da da"
Titus turned back to his mom and said "Tommy seems to think we should wait for dad.
When I was 7, I watched 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' with my mom. And when Jack Nicholson was strapped down to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life and I was stunned. Because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
You wanna be responsible for your mom locked up in a mental hospital. What's easier to live with? I Christopher Titus made sure my mom stayed locked up for the rest of her life or Dad did it.
"Come on Christopher. You don't need to do this with your father. I didn't raise a quitter" said Juanita
"No the TV raised the quitter" said Titus
"Fine. Everybody who wants to put me away for life allé avec moi"
As they started to walk towards the meeting room, a mental patient came up to Titus and said "HI"
"James this is my son Christopher" said Juanita
"Ya know what I love most about your mom" asked James
"What" said Christopher?
Then James started to smack his lips together. It was another form of speech to him. Titus just kinda going with it said "I like that about her too"
"James, go see Phillip and ask him for some yellow pills" said Juanita. James smacked his lips for good by and left.
The doctor came out of the meeting room saying "Were ready when you are".
"Ok, well go get'em. I mean go get me. Now I'm gunna go in there and tell them who the president of the US is again" said Juanita
"Who's coming up with these tests? I could get out of here like that" said Dave
"Honey are you sure you wanna do this without your father" asked Erin
"Well if we don't do something and she gets out, we'll be doing everything without my father"
You gotta be careful what you unleash into the world. Especially if what you unleash can throw a knife like a circus freak.
(17 years ago)
Papa Titus pushed play on the answering machine. "Hey ken. It's Juanita. I've never stopped loving you. Call me. Let's work it out."
BEEP
"Listen you son of a bitch, I know you got a contract out on me, well I got one on you too. And another….."
BEEP
"It's me again. Sorry I guess the machine cut me off. YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. YOUR GUNNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG"
Papa Titus took the tape out, gave it to Christopher, and said "file it with the others."
Normal families have a junk drawer. Dad and I had an evidence locker. Although during "Show and Tell", I always went up last because nobody could follow me.
(The next day)
"YOUR GUNNA LEAVE THAT HOUSE IN A BODY BAG"
"My dad calls it peoples exhibit-A" said Christopher.
He went up to Tommy and said "Now let's see if your crappy gerbil can top that".
Maybe there's something better than "dad did it". I know. Erin did it
(Now)
Titus practically shoved Erin into the meeting room; Juanita said to the board "This is Erin my future daughter in law".
"Sorry I have to do this" said Erin
"It's alright. She's gunna give me the most beautiful grandchildren"
"Well we haven't talked about kids yet"
"I want a boy. What
do think Christopher wants"
"I don't think it really matters
as long as he has your eyes"
"That is so sweet"
"Your gunna make a wonderful mom"
"You think so"
"I
know so"
OK better than "Erin did it". Tommy did it.
Erin left the room and
Titus shoved Tommy in. Tommy started whining "Hello Mrs. Titus." He tried not to look her in the eye.
Juanita said "Tommy you
need to focus. You were gunna say that Christopher had me over for
dinner…."
"After you broke into the house drugged us and
tried to kill Mr. Titus with a broken bottle"
"Good"
"But
then you'll probably say that if I was drugged then, how would I
know you tried to kill him. And I'll say I was there and he told
me. And you'll say that's your say which it is and you'll say
Tommy were you on drugs and I'll say no. You'll say well if you
don't take drugs than how come I was so high I can't explain were
I was 5 hours after I ate the cranberry sauce. This means you win. Ok bye"
Then Tommy quickly walked out.
Tommy walked up to Titus and said "Didn't go well".
No worries. I still got Dave.
"Dave" called Titus.
Dave was sitting down playing checkers with James. The two seemed to be having a conversation in lip smack. Dave had learned a joke and they were laughing about it. "This guy is great" said Dave.
"Get over here" yelled Titus.
Dave smacked his lips several times. "It means 'no worries'" he said.
Titus laughed and said
"I was about to send you in there to testify against mom but never
mind."
"I'm on it"
"NO WAIT" but it was too late,
Dave had already went into the meeting room.
Titus said "I might as well just call mom a cab now".
No sooner had he said that when Dave walked out with everybody in the room laughing. He said to Titus "I have to pee in a cup"
The doctor came out
saying "Mr. Titus can we rule on this without you"
"Uh…hell
no" said Titus.
"Well aren't you
gunna testify"
"Uh…hell yes"
"Lets go"
"Lets"
Before going in, Titus turned to Tommy and said "Ok, when dad gets here, send him right in."
I can handle mom. When other kids were wasting time learning math, I was memorizing the national association of mental heaths criteria for commitment of a family member. Something I could use.
(17 years ago)
After "Show and Tell", Titus was reading his report. "The national association of mental heath is as follows. Person must be causing harm to others." He remembered when he was 5 and his mom hit his Dad over the head with a frying pan.
"Harm to self". Last year when he knocked on the door to the bathroom and his mom came out with her head half shaved. She said she was just fixing her hair.
"Or, damaged property". Last month when his mom blew up his dads' car.
"Next week, California divorce law: How to hide your assets. Thank you."
(Now)
"Well mom, you seem to have everyone else rattled but not me" said Titus. His mom was looking at him and grinning as he continued "You can't get to me because I know your game."
"What game" asked the Doctor?
"The look game. See she's doing it right now"
"Your right honey, I'm doing the look I'm sorry" said Juanita
Titus said "Oh now she's doing the 'agree with me' game. See, I know her. I can hear what she is thinking in my head."
"IS the voice in your head your mothers" asked the doctor
"What. No it's not my mothers' voice" Said Titus
"Whose voice is it Christopher" asked Juanita
"There is no voice" said Titus
The doctor thumped through some files and said "At your last meeting, your mother stated that you held a bat on her and rifled through her purse"
"Yes but she cooked a turkey and it wasn't thanksgiving HA"
"Is it possible that
you pushed your mother into a psychotic episode?"
"She drugged
us and my girlfriend almost drowned in mashed potatoes"
"Could it be that the
turkey made everyone sleepy. That's a fairly common
occurrence"
"But it wasn't THANKSGIVING"
"Mr. Titus do you need a sedative?"
"NO I don't need a sedative. She's the one that's insane. I lived inside her for 9 months and I HEARD EVERYTHING. Do you know how cranked up she needs to be to just sit there like that. She's the one that needs a sedative. Look at her see. Ok EVERYBODY CALM DOWN." Titus had noticed a pair of security guards come in and grabbed a flag pole and was using it to fend them off.
Later after everybody had calmed down a bit, Ken Titus finally arrived.
"Keep the violent manic depressive schizophrenic in the mental hospital. Sounds simple doesn't it" said Ken.
"It wasn't his fault. Where were you" asked Erin
"He needs to know how
to keep her incarcerated after she kills me. Look at all these other
wackos. There children had no problem keeping them locked up"
"It
happened so fast" said Titus
"Did you lead with the story of the ice pick on Christmas" asked Ken.
"No"
"ALWAYS
LEAD WITH THE ICE PICK. What did you call her"
"What"
"WHAT
DID YOU CALL HER"
"I called her mom"
"It, you always refer to her as IT. Damn
it Christopher. You're going back in."
"No I'm not going
back in."
My dad always told me to face my fear. Then he kept saying "Why do you keep staring at me."
This time, they all went into the meeting room. "Hello Kenneth. I knew you'd come" said Juanita.
"Don't look it in the eye "said Ken.
"Too late, oh god" said Tommy as he ran out.
"Look at the floor" said Ken
As Erin, Dave, and Christopher looked at the floor, Dave said "I need new shoes".
"Kenneth" said
Juanita
"IT" said Ken
"Well that's a
little harsh"
"Oh I didn't mean to offend the attempted
murderess. Apologies all around"
"Oh Kenneth, no matter how
drunk you are, your sense of humor always floats to the top."
"I'm stone
sober"
"That reminds me" Juanita then pulled out a bottle
and stuck a pill in her mouth
"Lift your tongue." She did as she was asked and Ken said "You swallowed it, nice."
"Let's get started" said the doctor.
Ken said to Christopher
"Watch me and get ready to take over"
Dave who was still
looking at his shoes said "New shoe laces would really dress these
up"
"Out" said Ken. Dave smacked his lips to insult him and left.
Ken started "Doctor,
every time IT gets released, all hell breaks loose. Christopher tell
them about 1979."
"Uh…June or October" said Christopher
"Christmas"
"Uh…..ICE
PICK. She pulled an ice pick out on the family and chased some of
us"
"He's a little slow. She smoked during the pregnancy. It's amazing he has lips"
"He has nice lips" said Juanita
"He's a wonderful kisser" said Erin
"Thank you" said Christopher
"QUIET" screamed Ken. He continued "Get on with it. Tell them about your high school graduation."
Christopher said "She showed up wearing white vinyl go-go boots and an army jacket."
"It was the style" said Juanita
"Not without pants or underwear it wasn't. Released '73" said Ken
"I was 4 and you left me in an airport overnight" said Christopher
"Released '76"
"Tried
to stab your upstairs neighbor"
"Released '84"
"My
birthday. You got me a bike and a slot car set."
"NO"
"Oh,
successfully stabbed ex-upstairs neighbor"
"With"
"Uh….ice
pick"
"No'
"Uh……..spoon"
"FORK"
"This
is so hard"
"Your doing fine honey" said Juanita
"Mr.
Titus we have all this information" said the doctor
"Yeah well how many more people need metal plates in there heads before you keep this woman locked up" said Ken
"I'm on my medication now" said Juanita
"You don't have the
ability to decide when to take your pills. You destroyed my life and
you need to be locked up for the rest of yours"
"I destroyed
your life. I'm in here playing poker with serial killers for
cigarettes. I didn't take my medication because I liked the highs
and lows. But the only high I want now is to know my son."
"oh
now she's going for the cheese"
"Oh stop it I'm serious. I lost my life. I lost my family. I lost my son.
"Yeah well whose fault is that" said Christopher.
"Its mine I told you
that. How many letters do I have to write before you give me another
chance"
"How about one. This woman has not sent me one letter
since she has been in here. Err. Dad this is easy, take a break"
"I
didn't send you letters. I gave your father letters every time he
came to visit me"
"He visited you. Well that wraps it
up"
"They weren't visits. They were surveillance" said
Ken
"Call me crazy but you always kissed me goodbye" said Juanita
"I pecked"
"You felt
something"
"Fear"
"Longing
"Well your hot"
"Thank you"
"Hey
wait a minute, you came here to see her. You wrote me letters. Dad
where are the letters" asked Titus
"Why do you need letters
when she can always lie to your face" said Ken
"Dad I want my moms
letters"
"………………….I threw them out"
"You
threw them out. I finally get clear on what I want to say to my son
and you destroy it" said Juanita. She started to cry and continued
"I might as well just stay in here"
"Maybe crazy isn't
something your born with. Maybe its something you catch from your
husband" said Christopher
The criteria of the national association of mental health for the commitment of a family member are as follows;
Harm to others
(22 years ago)
Ken had dumped a bowl of oatmeal on Christopher's head. He looked at Juanita and said "What, he wouldn't eat". Then Juanita hit him over the head with a frying pan. She took Kens' food, gave it to Christopher and said "Daddy won't do that again".
Harm to self
(17 years ago)
Juanita had gotten back from the store and was showing her new cloths to Ken. "Well what do you think" she said as she modeled them for him.
"Nice but you hair looks like crap" said Ken.
Juanita then went into the bathroom and started shaving her head. Christopher came up to use the bathroom and she came out and said "I'm just fixing my hair. Go give that to your father". Then she handed Christopher a lock of hair.
Destruction of property
(A few weeks ago)
"Bye Juanita" said Ken as he passionately kissed her goodbye
"Make sure Christopher gets this" said Juanita as she handed him a letter.
On his way out, Ken tore up the letter.
(Now)
"I was just trying to protect you" said Ken
Titus yelled "How, by
locking her in a cage like some pet you can visit. Good Juanita,
nice Juanita. Sorry mom"
"Papa Titus right now you have the
credibility of ……..you" said Erin
"Hey at least I
visited her" said Ken
"Yeah well tomorrow you can bump into
her at the supermarket, or the post office, or the park. In fact
I'll just give her your schedule cuz doctor; I see no reason why
this woman should stay in here. Do you doctor?"
"I see no
reason she should have to stay" said the doctor
"Woe wait" said Ken
"In fact if no one else has any objections, we'll start processing her release."
"I have
objections"
"Do you have any new information"
"This
woman is………she's……………………….CRAZY AHHHHHH". Ken messed up his hair and ran out the room.
"Congratulations Juanita" said Erin
"Hey mom, your gunna leave the past in the past now right. I mean your not gunna go after dad" said Titus
"I wouldn't try to kill your father the same week I was released. That would be to obvious."
Titus and Erin gave her a concerned stare and she said "I'm joking"
My mom's in a mental hospital packing her stuff. If you get a violent crazy woman released, you're a menace. But if you do the same for a harmless medicated mom, you're a hero and she sends you stuff. Because she's harmless and medicated.
(Titus opens a box)
Like when they let her out in '73 and '76…………….and '84.
(Pulls out a jar of jam with a note on it and reads)
Dear Christopher, say Hi to your father, love mom.
Oh god
(Opens the jar and taste the 'jam')
Strawberry, I love my mom.
