Merlin and Arthur set out not long afterwards to reason with the Disir. Following Merlin's narration of the terrifying incident that had led to Mordred's almost-murder, I wondered if it was possible to reason with such terrible and inhuman creatures, but Merlin assured me that Arthur would find a way, and if not Arthur, him.

'But you won't, will you?' I asked in a low voice. 'You won't do anything to prevent Mordred's death. If he ends up dying, what does it matter to you?'

'I could do nothing, and he might die.' Merlin shrugged indifferently. 'But it would be better for me to do something and ensure that he does.'

And he left the room before I could slap him round the face, which was exactly what I wanted to do at that moment. I had never imagined that my own brother could be so heartless. I had liked that he was a mirror of me; we had been like twins; but now...


The day was a tense one, and passed slowly; I spent some of it in Gaius's quarters, watching as the physician tended to Mordred, unable to cure him but doing everything to make sure that he didn't slip into the abyss; I ran errands for him for a short while, having nothing else to do; at length I found the situation unbearable and went to find Juliana, with whom I played duets and forgot about all else, but afterwards I felt hugely guilty that I had neglected that a man was dying just along the corridor, and that his life lay in the treacherous hands of my own brother. I voiced as much to Juliana, for I could trust her with matters such as these, as she was trustworthy, and if you told her a secret she would most likely forget it anyway. She just smiled, perhaps knowingly, and said that I didn't have to have a lesson today if I wanted to go back and see how Mordred was.

And I sat in the room, waiting, watching, wondering what Merlin and Arthur were doing and if they had managed to reason with the Disir or whether Mordred was doomed to die at their hand...


Gaius had gone for more water, and Merlin was yet absent, when Mordred awoke suddenly; I started and turned to him, and he looked up at me with slightly uncomprehending eyes.

'I'm alive...' he murmured.

I did not know quite what to say to this. If he was alive, then... And alone in the same room as the man who pulled my heart in a thousand directions I felt awkward and shy and wanted nothing more than for Gaius to return. But within the next few breathless moments he did not, and then Mordred was nodding towards the nearly-empty water-jug on the table, asking me to bring him a drink.

I did so, handing it to him with shaking hands.

'Do you still fear me, Ganieda?'

It was not an angry question, it was a pitiful one, a sad one. His eyes met mine, and I saw that they were pleading.

He sipped the water to clear his throat, and then tried to sit up. 'I completely understand why you would – but you can't be Merlin's shadow all your life. I'm not at all like you think I am. At least, I hope not. Why, then, is there still this gulf betwixt us?'

I said nothing, and he fell silent, his head sinking back into the pillow. Though his face pointed towards the ceiling his eyes were still on me.

We're more similar than you think, Ganieda.

The voice in my mind startled me and I nearly dropped the jug that I was setting back on the table. I stared at him, for I knew it was he who had addressed me in such a way, without me even sensing the mental contact. I was about to reply out loud, not wanting to use such an unnatural method of communication, when Gaius came back in with a fresh jug of water, and seeing Mordred awake spoke to him at once, asking how he was. I took this opportunity to slip away; and though I tried to forget the incident, his voice yet echoed in my head.

We're more similar than you think...


I did not mention to Mordred that it was the actions of Merlin and Arthur that had determined if he lived or died. I did not mention that my brother was hoping for his death. Mordred emerged from the castle at the same moment that the king and his servant returned, and Arthur, seeing Mordred alive and well, ran to him, embracing him in a bear-hug, a look of astonishment, almost shock on his face.

'Thank God!' he cried. 'Mordred, thank God!'

He let go and gave Mordred a rather-too-hefty thump on the shoulder, before leading him inside, chattering all the while, leaving Merlin as usual to sort out the horses. I did not go to Merlin; I did not want to speak to him whilst his face betrayed something akin to despair, and whilst his mouth was set so grimly. Instead I followed Mordred inside, knowing that he would go back to Gaius's quarters briefly to consult with the physician on his condition, and to ask if he could be discharged fully from his care. I dogged his footsteps without being seen; and at Gaius's rooms he stopped, his hand on the door-handle, and, without turning, he said mentally:

Merlin wanted me to die.

And then he swung round, his eyes pained, staring at me as if willing me to speak; but I could not respond to this, a sad and heartfelt plea that I dearly wanted to answer, but couldn't, because of Merlin's influence over me.

You didn't...

Our eyes met. The slightest of smiles came onto his face then, and he made to push the door open but paused a moment more.

Truly, Merlin does not matter to me. It is what you think that I care about.

And he went into the quarters; and I did not dare to follow him, instead hiding in an alcove further down the corridor until he passed me and disappeared out of sight.


He liked me, I knew that much. He wanted to be friends, he was normal, he wasn't the monster Merlin believed that he was. And I liked him, because he was kind and unusually gentle for a knight, and because he liked me. What had happened at Ismir was behind us: he recognised that, he admired me for trying to let the business drop: I had forgiven him, and now he was prepared to repay that through a friendship that I dearly wanted to cultivate.

I would apologise, first of all, for the fear and mistrust that I had felt for him, for my harsh actions when he had wanted to be kind to me. I knew that he too had suffered at Morgana's hand, and did not want to be reminded of his time at Ismir, nor of the act of cowardice, the single act that had forged this barrier between us. Then I would continue in the normal way to create a friendship that I knew could exist. Mordred and I would be friends despite everything, and then we would both be truly happy.


'The Disir offered Arthur a choice. He could accept the Old Religion and all would be well; he could continue to fight it, and all would be doom. I advised him; I lied, I told him that he should reject magic on the grounds of the dangers it posed, because I believed that to be the only way to be rid of Mordred.'

Merlin's voice was soft and controlled but a restrained anger balled his fists, diverted his gaze from me to the orange of the setting sun outside. I did not react even though every muscle in me screamed at me to strike him, to shout at him, to stop him from hating Mordred somehow.

'Arthur said that he would not, could not accept the Old Religion... even distantly, I could feel victory over the forces of destiny itself on the horizon. Arthur would be safe... I had prevented the vision from coming true.'

Merlin paused in this, his terrible narration of the events of his journey. Emotion clouded his eyes for a moment, and he could not speak for several.

'Then we came back to Camelot, and found Mordred to be alive.'

He span round; he spread his hands in helpless despair. 'Don't you see? By refusing to accept magic, he has brought about his own doom.'

Of course I saw. I understood perfectly. Yet I could not speak in agreement, because I wished then more than ever that Mordred's fate was not so definite, that he could have a normal life without such forces outside of his control acting against him, deciding upon his treason even whilst he was still fiercely loyal to Camelot. I could not believe that such a man could commit such an act... It did not fit, something terrible would have to happen... And I could not speak against Mordred, because I liked him, I really and truly liked him. Indeed, I liked him more, at that moment, than my own brother.