Author's Note: Heh. This was suppose to be posted a week ago, but miscommunication happened. I went on vacation and sent the document over to RB for betaing and such since she's the coauthor and what not. I could have sworn I told her to post it when she finished reading it if it was all good and no major mistakes were in it….but apparently, I forgot to say that or something. Who knows, anyway, sorry for the delay. I hope you like! This chapter was a rough one!
Like You
Stay low
I let out a gasp and my knees grew weak, barely managing to support me. My hand flew to my mouth to muffle the soft sob that threatened to escape. I lowered myself carefully to the floor before I fell and just stared at the wall opposite of me.
Soft,
This can't be happening, I thought. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep breathes, trying to steady my frayed nerves, but it wasn't working.
Dark
"Blondie?"
"Yeah?" I called out, my voice echoing through the tiled bathroom.
"Are you ok?"
And dreamless
No, I thought. I wasn't ok. "Yeah, I…I'll be out in a minute." I called and received no answer in return. I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest and rest my chin atop of them. I had been living with Pats and Jamie for a month. A month I hadn't seen Tommy much more than in passing at G Major and the occasional "Hi" as we passed by each other. It was too painful to have much more interaction with each other. Despite the pain, I was slowly getting on with my life.
Far beneath my nightmares
And now…I took a shaky breath. Don't cry Jude. I told myself.
And loneliness
I stood up and closed my eyes, my hand resting on my abdomen.
I hate me
I could almost feel part of him inside of me. The part of him that still loved me.
For breathing without you
I was pregnant. Part of me had known long before I took the test. The hard part was accepting the pregnancy and deciding what I would do about it.
I don't want to feel anymore
Tommy. God how the hell could I tell him he was going to be a father?
For you
How could he be a father when he couldn't commit himself to me, to making our marriage work? I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. I don't need to be thinking about this right now, I told myself.
Grieving for you
Worry about telling Tommy later, I told myself as I reopened my eyes, shoving all thoughts of Tommy aside as I opened the door. Patsy and Jamie stood leaning against the wall opposite of the door. "Well?" Jamie asked me.
"I'm pregnant." I whispered, a small smile coming to my face.
I'm not grieving for you
"Congrats Blondie!" Patsy said and Jamie hugged me before pulling away to look at me.
"Tommy?" I nodded.
"He's the father, of course." I said, with a sniffle. No one else could have been.
"What are you going to do?" Jamie asked me and I shrugged.
"I…I don't know." I whispered, tears stinging my eyes.
Nothing real love can't undo
"Jude, he's the father. He deserves to know."
"I know!" I snapped.
"God, Jamie, I know. But earlier this week, I saw an attorney about a divorce! And now I'm freaking pregnant!"
"Sorry to break it to ya Blondie, but you were preggers before you saw the attorney." Patsy pointed out. I just sighed and closed my eyes.
"I just don't know what to do."
And though I may have lost my way
"Well, first, you pick up that phone, and talk to Quincy and tell him you need to talk." I sighed and closed my eyes. As much as I didn't want to admit it, Jamie was right. I had to tell Tommy. As much as I hated it, we had decisions to make.
All paths lead straight to you
I opened my eyes and nodded at Patsy and Jamie. Jamie took Pats's arm and led her away. I walked into my room and shut the door, a lump forming in my throat. I sat on my bed and pulled my cell out of my pocket and scrolled through the phonebook, my breath catching as I hit Tommy's name, his picture filling my screen, his blue eyes piercing at me and his smile making my heart melt. I stared at the screen for a long moment, my finger hovering over the green talk button. I hadn't realized how much I missed him until this moment. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep, calming breathes before pushing down the call button and mechanically bringing my cell to my ear.
I long to be like you
Tommy answered after the first ring.
"Hello?" My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't speak. "Hello?" he said again, sounding a little annoyed
"T-tommy?" I made myself say, my voice breaking as the lump in my throat made it difficult to talk. Silence stretched between us for a moment and I thought for a moment that one of us had went out of service or something.
"Jude?" Tommy's voice sounded worried and surprised all at the same time. "Honey, what's wrong?" He asked me and I sniffled in response, tears stinging my eyes.
"We need…can we talk?"
Lie cold in the ground like you
"Of course," Tommy said, sounding worried. "What's up?" He asked me and I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. God I missed this. I missed him.
"I…I can't do this." I said, sniffling.
"Jude, you know you can always talk to me Babe." He said, sounding sad as he said the words.
"I…can we meet?" I asked, tears falling freely down my face. "I…I can't do this over the phone."
"I'm at work right now…" He said automatically and I sighed heavily into the phone. Of course. Work always came first. "Look, if you give me a hour, I'll be finished and we can meet somewhere, if you want."
"Yes," I said, reaching up and whipping the tears off my cheeks, sniffling lightly.
"Jude…are you crying?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
"How about the park across from G Major?" I asked him, ignoring his question. I didn't want him to press this. I couldn't tell him I was pregnant over the phone. I don't even know if I can tell him in person.
"Sounds good," He said with a heavy sigh. I knew he was annoyed I dodged the question, but I had to. He'd understand later, I hoped.
"OK." I said, my voice shaking slightly.
"I'll…I'll see you in a bit." I said and closed my eyes.
"Yeah," He said and I pulled my phone away from my ear and went to close it when I heard his voice one last time. "I love you, Jude."
I froze, staring at the phone for a long moment before I snapped it closed, a tear falling from my eyes.
Like you
I sat on my bed for awhile, just letting tears fall down my face. I had no idea how I was going to tell him I was pregnant. We were barely on speaking terms until just now. I was looking into a divorce, for crying out loud. I had no idea what we were going to do. I was always a strong believer in a child being raised with two full time parents. I didn't want to do custody fights with Tommy. I didn't want to worry about every other weekend or rotating holidays. I wanted to do it all together all the time. But we didn't work. We loved each other, that much was true. But we hurt each other even more.
What am I going to do? I wondered as I pushed myself up off the bed and glancing over at the clock. I had to get ready to leave. I needed to pull myself together and figure this out. I reached up and rubbed my temples which were beginning to pulsate with the tell-tale signs of a headache forming. I shook my head to clear it and took a deep breath before rushing into the bathroom to wash the tear stains off my cheeks and fix my eye line and make myself look somewhat presentable. After spending some time in front of the mirror and satisfied with how I looked, I said goodbye to Jamie and Patsy who wished me luck before I left the apartment and drove across town to the park.
I arrived at the park with no incident and walked with a heavy heart to one of the park benches that faced G Major and sat down. I hunched over and sat with my elbows on me knees, chin in my hands, face to the ground. I could hear families out playing and enjoying the warm summer air and I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the pleasant heat on my skin as I waited.
Halo
I looked up and saw Tommy walking towards me and I felt my breath catch in my throat. He looked good. He always looked good. Dressed in jeans that were tight in all the right places and a black t-shirt, he looked like he should have been in front of a camera, not walking to meet his pregnant wife who made him so unhappy he had to drink every night.
Blinding wall between us
"Hey," Tommy said as he got close to me, his smile making my heart skip a beat.
"Hey," I said, my voice coming out a bit breathless. Tommy sat down on the bench next to me and looked me over, his eyes taking in my appearance and getting a read on me.
"What's up?" He asked me after his assessment was complete.
Melt away
"I…" I looked away from him, not able to meet his eyes. "I don't know how to say this."
"Jude," Tommy said softly. He reached over and lay a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it slightly. "You can tell me anything." He told me again. "Just, say it."
And leave us alone again
I laughed slightly and shook my head. Right, I thought to myself. "It's not that easy." I told him, my hand coming to cover my abdomen and I don't think Tommy noticed the action.
"Hey," Tommy said softly, touching my cheek and turning my head to face him. I stared into his eyes and thought back to a time when I would have been so incredibly happy to be having his child. A time when it couldn't have made me happier. Would I ever feel that way again? I wondered.
The humming haunted somewhere out there
"Tommy," I said, my voice coming out stronger than I felt. He just waited patiently as I searched for the words. "I…I'm pregnant."
I believe our love can see us through in death
"What?" Tommy said, shock registering across his face.
"I'm pregnant." I stated again, firmer this time. I bit my lip as I gauged his reaction. He just stared at me a long moment before a small smile came to his face.
I long to be like you
"How'd…when did you…?"
"Today," I said with a sigh. "I uh…I suspected I might have been for a couple weeks." I told him and he just stared at me, the smile reaching his eyes and I couldn't be happier for his reaction. He looked at me and then his smile fell.
Lie cold in the ground like you
"Am I the father?" Tommy asked me, his expression suddenly stoic as he looked at me. I stared at him for a moment, surprised by his question.
"Yes, Tommy."
There's room inside for two
"Are you sure?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow. I clenched my jaw and resisted the urge to hit him.
"I think I know who I slept with and when," I stated, fists clenched. "I haven't slept with anyone since the last time we did. Why else would I"
"There's the fact that we're still married." Tommy stated with a shrug. "Are you sure it's not Ryland's?" Tommy asked, his voice sounding bitter.
And I'm not grieving for you
I laughed bitterly and shook my head.
"I knew this was a mistake."
"Excuse me?" I stood up abruptly and crossed my arms over my chest.
"This, us." I shook my head. "We can barely have a civilized conversation without"
"Jude," Tommy said calmly. "If things were reversed, wouldn't you ask me the same question?" He asked, looking straight into my eyes and I felt guilt wash over me.
I'm coming for you
"Tommy, I just…" I felt my throat close up and I buried my face in my hands, turning away from him. "I can't do this." I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I heard Tommy get up and felt his arms wrap around me and I turned in his arms and looked up into his eyes, tears falling down my face again.
You're not alone
"I want to be there for you," Tommy stated, reaching up and wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "And for our baby." I closed my eyes and shook my head. As much as I wanted to just fall into his arms and let him comfort me, to wash away my pain and confusion as he had for so many years, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him back in again.
No matter what they told you, you're not alone
"Tommy," I said slowly, opening my eyes to look into his. "I…" I shook my head. "God Tommy, I was…I was talking with a divorce lawyer earlier this week" I saw pain flash in his eyes when I said those words. "our marriage has fallen apart and this baby…" I shook my head.
"This baby, is going to have two loving parents." Tommy finished, but not in the way that I was going to.
I'll be right beside you forever more
"Tommy,"
"Jude," Tommy said, interrupting me. "I swear to you," He said staring directly into my eyes, something he hadn't done in a long time when he spoke to me. "I will be there for you and for this baby."
"Tommy, I don't doubt that." I told him, taking a deep breath. "What I can't do, is be second or even third or wherever the hell it is I stand to work, alcohol, and whatever else it is you've been doing to stay away from me for so long."
"Jude, I've been sober since you left." He stated, not breaking eye contact and I knew he was telling the truth. "Give me a chance. Give us another chance," He said, his hands lowering and touching my abdomen. "For our baby. For us." I tried to think of something to say, anything, but I couldn't look away from his blue eyes. I was drowning as I stared into them, all loving and pleading. I wanted to take him back. I wanted us to be a family, but I was confused. I was hurt and I didn't know if I could take another short coming, another broken dream, another broken promise.
I long to be like you, sis
"I…I want to believe you." I said finally, my words coming out choppy from the emotions overwhelming me. Tommy smiled sadly at me and reached up to cup my cheek. He caressed it slowly, carefully, as if I were made of glass and would break. I probably would.
Lie cold in the ground like you did
"I promise, Jude," Tommy told me. "I'll make us work…but you have to agree to it too." He said, still caressing my cheek. "No more running to Ryland when we have a problem. No more drinking with the guys…just you and me." Tommy paused a moment and smiled. "And the baby."
There's room inside for two
I couldn't help but smile at his happiness as he talked about the baby. Our baby. As I stared into his eyes, I knew I couldn't say no to him. I never could. I would be lying to myself if I ever thought I could. I found myself nodding and Tommy beamed widely. He bent down and captured my lips in his, pulling my body into his and I melted into the kiss, into him.
And I'm not grieving for you
The kiss was like coming home. Like I was broken and he was the glue that put me back together again. I felt whole and complete for the first time in a long time. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss. I needed him. I just never realized how much until now.
As we lay in silent bliss
Tommy pulled away, slowly and maybe a bit reluctant and looked into my eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I stared into his crystal blue eyes, all soft and loving as he looked at me. It was my look; and I couldn't remember the last time he looked at me like that.
I know you remember me
"Does this mean you're giving me another chance?" Tommy asked me, his voice soft as he continued to stare into my eyes. I nodded, unable to bring myself to speak. He smiled at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.
I long to be like you
"Don't mess up this time, Tommy." I whispered, closing my eyes. "I don't know if I can take the disappointment."
Lie cold in the ground like you
"I won't." Tommy told me, reaching up and caressing my cheek. I leaned into his touch and sighed contently. "We're having a baby." Tommy said, and I could hear the happiness and awe in his voice.
There's room inside for two
I opened my eyes and looked into his, a smile coming to my face, one that mirrored his. "I know," I whispered, my hand touching my abdomen. Tommy pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me into a hug and I closed my eyes, breathing him in, loving the feel of him pressed up against me.
And I'm not grieving for you
"I'm not going to mess this up this time," Tommy whispered, rubbing my back lightly as he talked. "I promise you, Jude." He whispered, his lips touching the top of my head and I wrapped my arms around him in response, pulling him closer to me.
I'm coming for you
