30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 8 - Fighting

Ben hates fighting.

It's past midnight and he can't close his eyes to sleep on the unconformable couch. He has to wake up early in the morning to bring her mother to stay during her vacancies with them. One week sleeping on the couch and she doesn't admit she's wrong this time. So wrong. He loves her but this time she has hurt him deeply and he won't relent.

Besides, he's always the first one to say "I'm sorry", because he can't deal with the pain he feels in the chest when they yell at each other or when they disagree about some silly and stupid thing.

The reasons where nothing as always, but what she said…it hit his wounds.

He sighed trying to understand how one day he used to like fighting.


He always liked fighting. During his life as a padawan, he learned that practicing the forms helped him to balance the raw energy that used to flow on his blood and mind. Physical exhaustion made him sane at the end of the day and more: the days he practiced dueling were the days when he could sleep without having the nightmares or that voice haunting his mind. He hated meditating. He felt fragile as if relaxing would open his inner ways and leave him vulnerable to him.

He felt calm and relieved after the duels. It wasn't about winning. At least, not at the beginning and during a long time. He liked the movement, the hits...his body worked in unison with his mind and he could feel the harmony symphony of his being and the Force. He also used to like the physical preparation for dueling. There was no surprise when Ben Solo became the best warrior of the Academy because he was the only one who really enjoyed waking up at dawn to start doing his exercises and to practice his new forms.

If winning was a consequence of his dedication, so be it. He liked the smile his uncle would show every time he did a good job dueling with lightsabers. He wanted to win to feel good with himself. Therefore, he never lost a confrontation. Never.

When he became Kylo Ren, winning was an obligation. It didn't bother him. He always did win. He never disappointed his master. Snoke even tried to make him a loser with his mind torture tricks, but Kylo had a long history with fighting against his own thoughts. He never beat his master, because he couldn't treat the Supreme Leader with torture. However, he did learn all the mind tricks he could with his new master.

Fighting for the dark side made he feel different. It wasn't balance, but precipice. His descent on the dark got stronger with each training, the raw energy fed by angry, passion, and an obsession: be the best. There was no surprise when he became the Master of The Knights of Ren. Lord Ren. He couldn't hide how proud he felt seeing Snoke smiling with satisfaction.

Kylo Ren had never lost. Until her.

First, she resisted his mind intrusion. After she beat him.

Well, if he has to be fair, Rey had never fought the true Kylo Ren. He didn't want to fight her. Or intrude on her mind. But he wanted to keep her for him. And that he lost.

The year after that episode made him feel as if he was a child again. He had to learn how to deal with a Force Bond and fight against his own mind again. He had to fight against his master's mind tricks to hide that connection with the jedi. He had to learn new forms to deal with the dark side, but what he hated the most was fighting with her. Through the bond or when she used to appear with the Resistance during a First Order's mission. It was a foolish and stupid acting. Fake. There wasn't peace on their lightsabers duels because he didn't want to hurt her.

She thought differently though. Each one of her hits against him proved how she liked and wanted to hurt him. But, when it was over and they would fight again through the bond, she would say, "Don't go soft on me. They will notice."

When she helped him to escape the First Order, they fought the whole way back to Ahch-To. For everything. He hated it.

They used to train with staffs, because the first time they dueled with sabers she lost her equilibrium and his saber almost burned her skin. She didn't talk to him for a week. So stubborn. So beautiful. At night, trying to sleep, he could feel his chest heavy. Suffering. He didn't want to fight with her. He wanted her.

Even their first kiss started with a fight and ended with them yelling at each other. Something like "I didn't want to kiss you. You've manipulated me" and "Yeah. I did manipulate you when you came over me."

They stopped with that when she finally decided that she loved him. It took time. He had told her how he felt during one of their make out sessions that hard turned into a stupid bickering session about Finn.

"Ok, Rey. I got that you lie to yourself saying that if he were here you wouldn't be kissing me. You know what? That's fine to me. I'm done! I love you. And I'm sorry you're in love with Kylo Ren. I'm not training, kissing, or listening to your voice on my head anymore. I'm done!"

It took one week.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't like Finn the way I…like you." she had said.

"It's not enough to me. I will keep my distance."

"What? But I've just admitted I like you. You can't deny that your past makes difficult to anyone to like you the way I do!"

"Oh. Thank you!" He said sarcastically. "You're right. You're so generous with me. I'm sure when we kiss you're just pitying me. You can like another person if you want."

"You know very well that we can't choose those things. And I'm bonded to you, which means I'll never get rid of you."

Ben lost his patience. "You know very well this bond doesn't work like that. It doesn't influence your choices. I more than like you. Your pity, generosity and frustration about liking someone you're supposed to hate are not enough to me. Thank you, but I decline."

She didn't reply. He had finally won. And he didn't feel well. Or in peace with his decision. He turned to leave the hut.

"I love you." She whispered. "I don't want to love anyone else. I admire you for your past actually. It takes a lot of courage to admit our own mistakes and make a step back. I was wrong making you believe you didn't deserve my love. I don't want to fight anymore against everything I'm feeling right now."

He couldn't believe his ears. "What did you just say?"

" That I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"No. The other thing." He said cautiously approaching her.

Her eyes shone but she remained serious. "That I love you."

"And?" He took another step towards her.

"You're going to make me repeat everything, aren't you? Fine. I love you. I don't want to love anyone else. I won't love anyone else the way I love you."

One victory.

After that, they got even stronger on their physical training. Fighting and dueling with his partner became something so sublime. Mind, body and heart working together, no parts missing.


Hannah cried in her room and he went to see her. But, she was already there. He stayed watching them both from the threshold.

"Hello, Honey Hannah. What's going on with you? Are you hungry? Or you have one of your little diaper's surprises for mommy?"

She took Hannah from her crib laughing. "It's a diaper surprise then. Let's get rid of it." She took their baby to the diaper changing table. "You know, Hannah, Mommy is sad. She loves Daddy, but he's so stubborn sometimes. Do you believe he has been blocking our bond for one week? He doesn't even talk to me. Well, I did something very wrong. Do you think he can forgive me?"

Hannah giggled. "I'll take that as a yes." She sang and Alderaanian song Leia had taught her to make Hannah sleep again.

He came back to the couch closing his eyes. After ten minutes, she came pulling the sheet roughly from his body. "You have to make some room to me." She said trying to lie down with him. He was surprised by that action, but he did as she asked. Fighting against himself with all his forces, he didn't hug her back when she did.

"I'm sorry for saying you shouldn't fly with the Falcon." She started. "It's yours even if your father has given it to me."

"It's ours. I don't care if you don't want me to take it. That's not why I'm upset."

"I know. I'm sorry for saying that you hadn't any right to take it because your father didn't believe you could come back home when he gave it to me."

He took a sitting position staring at the wall. She did the same. "I hate fighting with you. But every time you want the things on your own way you bring the Kylo Ren topic over and over again. I can't fight this. I can't keep arguing when everything is already my fault due to my past. It's almost seven years with you. And you keep doing it. So, from now on, I won't talk anymore. I'll keep my silence and my distance until it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Look at me, Ben." He did it. "Keeping your silence and distance isn't going to help, okay? It's…I know I'm stubborn, stupid and that I don't think before speak those things. But I…"

"Don't you dare say you don't mean it. " He said through his teeth. "Once, twice. I can get it. But every single time I'm right, you lose your temper. I thought I had to keep mine under control. Not yours. Sincerely, I love you, but I think that fighting against the obvious thing is killing me. I don't want to fight anymore. I know it kills you to be with Kylo Ren. Maybe I should… " He couldn't complete the sentence. It hurt so much.

"What?" She frowned.

"I'm a warrior, Rey. A fighter. I was the best before you. No weakness. You make me weak. I do all you want because I'm afraid you'll leave me. But there's one thing I think it would make you love me more and that I can't give you. I can fight against my past, but I can't erase it. I'm sorry you're married with me. I'll always be Kylo Ren. But you don't have to be married with me."

Rey seemed shocked. "Is it over? Can I talk now?"

"Go ahead."

"I don't hate the fact that you've been Kylo Ren. I hate the fact you always have better arguments than I do when we argue. So, I play dirty. That's all. It was a good tactic until now. Do you see? I'm the vulnerable one now. No more tactics. I'm a warrior too, you know. Do I make you weak, Ben? Sorry, but you have to apologize for that too. You make me weak too."

"Stop fighting with me. This is not a competition. We should make each other stronger."

"Exactly. That's why I like fighting with you. That's what makes this relationship stronger than anything else."

"What? Why?" he looked at her as if she had lost her mind.

She sat astride him. His body was already giving in. It was difficult to keep his focus. One week without her.

"I like making peace with you. I like when you kiss me wantonly trying to balance the effort to control yourself all the time. Losing control is healthy. I'm sorry I've hurt you so deeply this time. But I don't want your silence or indifference. I want you with me. On our bed and showing how stupid I am for fighting with someone that loves me so much that he's capable of thinking of leaving to make me happy. I love you. You're not weak. You're my fortress."

He grabbed her waist and felt her body relaxing against his. "You're my fortress. That's what I say to you. You're stealing my sentence." He started kissing her neck and jawline.

"Are we fighting again?"

"No. You can keep it."

"You can take the Falcon tomorrow. Your father would be very happy."

"Thanks. I'll take care of it. Now, let's make peace." He kissed her opening their bond and showing how hard he wanted to be with her.

She gasped for air. "I love when you kiss me that way. I'll never fight this."

"I know."

Ben Solo loves fighting. It keeps him away from Kylo Ren. And closer to her.