I can't believe I've done eight Halloween Unspectaculars and never done a camp story.


08/10/18: The Camping Episode

The bus rolled under the Camp Voorhees sign and into the parking lot, pulling up next to the assembled camp councillors. The door opened, and the collection of teenagers alighted. Danny took in the crisp mountain air and closed his eyes.

"Nothing like getting away from everything, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah, but should we really be leaving Amity Park unprotected?" asked Sam.

"Eh, Tucker can handle it while we're gone," shrugged Danny.


Tucker sat on his computer as outside Amity Park burned. Sirens wailed as the ghosts ran amok, but Tucker was fixated on the fanfiction he had just read.

"That ending just wasn't clear enough," he grunted.


Danny and Sam had gathered in the meeting hall, waiting for the camp director to speak. Before long he had arrived, stepping up onto the wooden podium and casually laying his meat cleaver down on a nearby table.

"Greetings, teenagers, I am Sideshow Bob," he said cheerfully, "For the next four weeks, I will be your guide, your leader, your trusted uncle and your pal."

His expression darkened.

"And potentially your brutal murderer," he muttered under his breath.

He instantly brightened up.

"Now, behind me you will see your councillors," he continued, "Let's have a warm Camp Voorhees welcome to Cannibal Crowley, Ann 'Teenskinner' Bloode, Fireaxe Franklin and, uh, Hugh."

The councillors all growled and waved weapons, save for Hugh, who smiled and waved.

"Now, if everyone will join me for our camp song," continued Bob, "It's set to the Battle Hymn of the Republic, so you should have no trouble keeping up."

He took a deep breath.

"And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four…"


We are the happy campers who live out at Camp Voorhees,

We live and learn and laugh and play among the redwood trees,

We live a life of freedom and we do just as we please,

Through the hills we're hiking on.

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Through the hills we're hiking on.


"Hey… hey dude… there's free pizza behind that creepy old farmhouse."

Jimbo, Kearney and Dolph looked towards an old, creaky wooden house. On a tree next to the building there was a sign; 'FREE PIZZA NOT A TRAP ENQUIRE IN SHED BEHIND HOUSE COME ALONE.' On the porch of the house, an elderly man swayed back and forth on a rocking chair, chuckling to himself as he rubbed his old shotgun.

"I dunno, this looks kinda weird," mused Dolph.

"Hey, old man!" called Kearney, "What kinda pizza you got?"

"Raw possum!" the man shouted back.

The three teens looked at each other.

"Yeah," nodded Jimbo, "Seems legit."

With that, they cheerfully wandered behind the house, leaving the old man alone.

"Hot dog!" he exclaimed, "Clara! We'll be makin' wallets from their hides tonight!"


We've learned to swim and sail upon the waves of Lake Renown,

Where a hundred years ago today a bunch of kids did drown,

If you visit after midnight, their ghosts will drag you down,

Through the hills we're hiking on.

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Through the hills we're hiking on.


"Sideshow Bob?"

Sadie knocked on the door of Bob's hut. A few seconds later, the door opened, and a sleepy Bob, clad in dressing gown, stumbled out.

"This had better be good," he grumbled, "I was reading a high concept novel, not that you'd understand."

Sadie briefly glimpsed a copy of Worldwar: In The Balance behind his back.

"Yeah, um," Sadie rubbed the back of her head, "So Lars insulted a bush wizard, and everyone in my cabin turned into vintage postcards overnight…"

She pulled a half-dozen black-and-white postcards out of her jacket, handing them to Bob. He flipped through them - Lars, Ronaldo, Robbie Valentino, Valerie Grey, Jane and Vicky were frozen in place on the card surface, trapped in various old-timey wilderness poses.

"Do we have some kind of anti-supernatural or ghost busting service?" she asked.

"No, the State doesn't allow for that," grunted Bob, "You'll have to contact Mystery Inc."

"And what do I do until they get there?" asked Sadie, "I mean, I don't wanna go back to my cabin, in case I turn into a frog or a goat or something."

"Understandable," nodded Bob, "That's why I'm sending you to the Cabin Over The Temporal Rift From Which No One Has Ever Emerged. Now leave me to my book."

He shut the door.

"Oh," said Sadie hesitantly, "That's… thanks?"


At the kitchens they are feeding us, to keep us fit and sane,

But the mystery meat we do not know from what or where it came,

But cow or man, it's edible, why bother to complain?

Through the hills we're hiking on.

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Through the hills we're hiking on.


"HELP! THERE'S A THREE-HEADED BEAR IN HERE!"

Nate, Lee and Tambry stood outside the locked outhouse, listening to Thompson's screams.

"A three-headed bear?" mused Tambry, "So, like, a Cerberbear?"

"Nah, I think it'd be more of a Cerberursa," replied Nate, "Cause, y'know, it's gotta sound classical."

"What do you think, Thompson?" asked Lee.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS, IT'S GNAWING ON MY SPLEEN!" exclaimed Thompson.

"How'd it get in there, anyway?" asked Tambry, "It's an outhouse. It's, like, three square feet, maybe?"

Lee snapped his fingers. "Bigger on the inside."

"Hey Thompson, does it look like a Time Lord?" asked Nate.

"OH MY GOD IT'S EATING MY FOOT! OPEN THE DOOR, FOR THE LOVE OF- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

There was a long silence.

"Oh wait, hold on, it's a badger. False alarm guys, it's just a badger!" called Thompson, "I mean, it's a honey badger, so it still smarts, but hey, not a bear."

"See, there's no such thing as a Cerberursa!" Tambry called back, "You're just imagining things!"

"Ha ha, yeah, boy is my face red… seriously though, can you get the camp doctor? I've lost a lot of blood."


There's a church atop a hilltop, the wealthy men meet there,

They gather in their cloaks and robes and raise their voice in prayer,

To summon ancient gods to Earth, reality they tear,

Through the hills we're hiking on.

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Through the hills we're hiking on.


"So, who raised the dead?" Sour Cream asked casually, firing an old Garand rifle into the horde of zombies below.

"Wasn't me," shrugged Wirt, taking potshots with a crossbow, "How about you guys?"

"Nope," said Jenny Pizza, laying down fire with a tommy gun.

"Nuh-uh," said Wendy, who carried a longbow.

"No," said Buck, shooting dual pistols into the undead mass.

All eyes fell on Hugh, who was hiding in the chimney, his head poking out over the top.

"Well, we all make mistakes, now don't we?" he said sheepishly.

"Okay, this is boring," grunted Wendy, throwing the longbow away, "Time to give this a shot."

She picked up an enormous iron sword.

"Wait, isn't that Excalibur?" exclaimed Wirt.

"Yep," nodded Wendy, "Found it in the lake. Cover me, guys."

She took a running jump of the roof, screaming a war cry as she dropped down on the horde. The others watched, perplexed, as she got stuck in, slaying zombie after zombie without breaking a sweat.

"Okay," said Jenny, "I got to say it, I'm crushing on her a bit right now."


So mother dear, I'm doing fine, there's not a thing to fear,

The cannibals are far away and the 'squatch is steering clear,

As long as Bob remains in charge, we're quartered safe out here,

Through the hills we're hiking on.

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Glory, glory to Camp Voorhees!

Through the hills we're hiking on.


"Okay," said Danny, pressing his back against the wall to keep away from a knife-wielding Bob and tugging at the Plasmius Maximus, "Next year, I'm just going to Florida."

"Same," Sam agreed.


AN: I went to camp once!

...

Never again.