Wishes

seven

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Rachel,

I don't know where you are right now.  I've woken up just about everybody trying to find you, but wherever this email reaches you, please know that I'm sorry.  I am truly, deeply, sorry.  I was an idiot.  I became blinded with my own pain, my misgivings, my failures both as a father to our children, as a husband to you, that I just lost my senses completely.  I'm sorry…

All this time, I've just been burdened by the fact that I am unable to fulfill the duties, the responsibilities that are supposed to be mine.  Maybe it's pride.  Maybe it's a guy thing.  But every time you come home from work stressed and tired, I can't help but think, "That should be me, not her" or "She shouldn't be working this hard if only I am not stuck in this wheelchair with a speech-impediment."  Things like these.  I hate that I'm not able to do things for the family, for you…I hate that I'm not able to fulfill my promises, and that you have to bear the consequences as a result.  I guess this makes me feel less of a man, so that these last few weeks, I've just been having a hard time living with myself.  I've been battling, struggling hard, with my inner demons.  I'm just deeply sorry that I took it out on you.  You didn't deserve that.  Like I said, I'm an idiot for letting myself become blinded with my own worries.  So blinded that I lost sight of what's truly important to me, the only one that makes sense in my life…you.

 I know I probably don't deserve to be given a second chance.  Nothing will probably erase the pain I've caused you.  I won't blame you if you still hate me after last night, but I'm going to swallow my pride and beg you this one more time…Please come home, Rachel.  Come home and give me another chance to try…or at least another chance to better explain things to you…to make it up to you.  Please?  Just please come home…I don't want to lose you…

Ross

Rachel felt her throat constricting as she tried to concentrate on driving.  She could almost see Ross's words floating across the windshield, flashing all over the snow-blanketed roadside even in the stark darkness of the pre-hours before dawn.  The air in the car was heavy, thick to the point that she was choking up in it.  An overwhelming sense of guilt washed over her, and with every mile that she traveled a lonely teardrop fell from her eyes.  She blew it.  This time, it was her who blew it.

Keeping one careful hand on the wheel, Rachel reached for the bottled water on the passenger seat.  She took a big gulp, washing down the lump forming in her throat.  She looked far ahead, trying to focus, but no matter how hard she tried, the shock, the regret from the morning after of her illicit affair wouldn't stop haunting her.

What happened with Hugh the night before remained a big, hazy blur.  Intoxication both from pain and alcohol seemingly blocked off her brain from remembering anything, but as soon as both wore off, a glaring accusation slammed her face: she cheated on Ross. 

Guilt ate her up.  Unable to face the consequences of her careless acts, she slipped out of Hugh's apartment before he even woke up, went and checked in a motel to spend the remaining hours of the night…away from Hugh, and away from Ross more especially.  She couldn't face him just yet.  She felt dirty, evil, and weak all at the same time for giving in to something that was wrong to begin with.  But after so many missed calls on her cellphone, the email that Ross had painfully written, she decided it was time to go home.  She didn't know what would happen after that, but she just wanted to be with Ross again…if he'd still have her.

The cellphone rung, interrupting Rachel's thoughts.  Without even bothering to look at the number calling, she picked it up.

"Rach?"  It was Monica.  "Rachel, where have you been?  We've been looking all over the place for you!  Where'd you go?  Why didn't you answer your phone?"  Monica must have asked a million other questions, but when it was Rachel's turn to answer, she only came up with one word.  "Sorry…" Rachel said, her voice breaking.

A long pause followed on the other end of the line.  Then, Monica sighed.  "I'm sorry too…but just go home or at least call Ross.  He's been worried sick about you…"

A fresh batch of tears fell from Rachel's eyes without even trying.  She kept silent for a long time so Monica just assumed that Rachel was still distraught from whatever it was Rachel and her brother fought about the night before.  "Listen, be careful, okay?" Monica reminded concernedly.  "If you need to stop, stop.  Just drive carefully…and call Ross…Where are you by the way?"

"I…I'm on my way home," Rachel replied weakly, making a turn at the exit that marked the remaining ten miles before she reached home.

Monica said her goodbye and hung up after that, so Rachel was once again forced to deal with the guilt eating her up more than ever now.  It was the longest ten-mile drive she had to make, the hardest road to take.  She almost didn't want to keep going.  She didn't think she still has the nerve to show up at their doorstep after what she had done.

When the large house came to view, she pulled her breath, holding it in until she pulled up at the driveway.  She sat in the car for a long time, gathering her strength, whatever dignity she still has in her.  She was almost determined to drive away again, but Ross came outside.  His face was worn; his hair, unruly as if he ran his hands over them a million times all throughout his sleepless night. 

For what seemed like forever, their eyes locked in a powerful stare.  Neither one moved, but both were the aware of the very reason why they were both there.

Pulling herself together, Rachel slowly got out of the car and walked towards Ross as he waited for her in the front porch.  He smiled at her weakly, apologetically as she approached him.

"I-I'm so-sorry…" Ross managed to say, tears in his eyes.  He held out his hand to Rachel, and reluctantly, Rachel took it.

"Ross, I—"

Ross looked up at Rachel through his tears, giving her hand a firm but tender squeeze, gesturing to her that she needn't explain.

Rachel stood before him, tongue-tied, wanting nothing more than to work things out with Ross that very minute.  She forced a smile on her face despite her tears, putting her best face forward.  Without another word, she knelt down before him and went into his embrace, forgetting everything and remembering nothing but that moment when Ross's arms were finally around her again.

=====

The fresh aroma of newly baked blueberry muffins wafted in the kitchen as Ross waited for them to cool.  He smiled, half-proud and half-mocking himself for the muffins he baked himself as an attempt to make the most of his role as the temporary househusband.  He had to start at some point, he thought smilingly.  So, he picked that brand new day to start over and decided to make breakfast as a celebration for the new beginnings. 

A slow smile crept up on Ross's face as he caught the determined expression on James's face as the boy fervently wrote on a small notebook when he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later, wheeling his wheelchair toward the nook area with the tray of muffins on his lap.  "Wha-what are you do-doing?" he asked, stuttering a little, smiling at the boy as he set the tray on the table.

James looked up briefly at his father and shrugged his shoulders.  "Just my wish list…"

"F-for C-Chri-Christmas?" Ross asked again, one brow arched.

"No," James replied, putting his pencil down.  "Just my wishes.  I'm updating," he said as a matter-of-factly.

"Uh…up-updating?" Ross bit his bottom lip, stopping himself from laughing out loud.  Sometimes, he just wonders where James gets his vocabulary at such a young age.

"Yah," James said simply, his eyes round and unwavering.  "The list that Aunt Monica started up for me.  She said I should update it all the time."  He sighed, closed his notebook, and stared at it for a long time.  "Starly hasn't given me my three wishes," he spoke dully a few seconds later.  "I wished that you'd be able to walk again, I wished for Aunt Monica and Uncle Chandler to have a baby, and I wished for a dog…I still don't have those…"  He sighed again, his face fallen.  Nevertheless, as soon as he released the gloominess he felt, his expression slowly picked up and he broke into a slow smile.  "But I got my other wishes though…"

Ross smiled and ruffled the boy's dark hair.

"No!" James protested, playfully pushing his father's hand away from his hair.  "I fixed my hair already.  It already has the nice messy look to it.  Don't add to it."

Ross laughed quietly, teasing the boy even more so that James started throwing punches at him in the air.  "Argh!" James growled laughingly.  After the boy's futile feats, he finally gave up, sighing as he rested his chin on his hands on the table, smiling adoringly at his Daddy.  Their first couple of weeks together had been awkward, as the boy tried hard to adjust to having his father around again.  Increasingly, though, their situation was slowly changing.  The awkwardness was slowly fading; in its place, returning the deep affection, adoration, and trust that had once existed between them.

"You're going to teach me football in the summer, right?" James asked a moment later, his eyes wide with innocence.

Ross only smiled, leaning forward to plant a kiss on his son's head.  He was still uncertain whether he'd be able to walk again, but at this point, he'd like to think that he would.

"I love you, Daddy."  James grinned at his father.  "I'm happy you're not working anymore.  We get to do more things together this way."

"Me too…" Ross told his son.  Oddly enough, Ross felt it to be true.  His accident might have caused a lot of disruptions to his once perfect life, but along with these disruptions also came some blessings in disguise—time, being one of the gifts that was suddenly given to him.

Rachel paused by the hallway, quietly watching the father and son as she stood there, carrying Emma in her arms.  Their life was slowly falling back into place again, and the thought never failed to bring tears of joy to her eyes.

"Mommy," Emma called out a little worriedly, touching her tiny hands to her mother's face.  She said it a little to loudly that everyone's attention immediately turned to her.

Ross saw the tears in Rachel's eyes, so he smiled at her and held out his hand to her, calling her to him.  "Why?" he asked softly, kissing the tears away from Rachel's eyes before planting a tender kiss on her lips.

Rachel shook her head as she straightened up, smiling at Ross.  "Nothing," she mouthed.  "I'm just…happy…"

Ross smiled, not once taking his eyes off of Rachel, letting her know in a nonverbal gesture that he felt the same way.

"Boo-bewy!" Emma exclaimed, pointing to the muffins on the table, interrupting the tender moment between her parents.  Her blue eyes were wide with awe and her mouth nearly dropped in seeming surprise.

Both parents laughed at their daughter's priceless expression.  Both looked at their each other, at their children, with eyes carrying a clear-cut different twinkle.  It was a new day…a new beginning.  It has been quite successful so far and both were quite hopeful that it would stay that way.

=====

The double door entrance, the large colorful menu board, the orange couch, the green chair, the large multicolored mugs, the menu, the people—everything was just as Ross remembered Central Perk.  As he looked around the place, listening to the buzzing of different people from the different corners of the coffeehouse, a soft smile pulled at the corners of his lips.

"What are you smiling at?" Rachel asked, stroking Ross's arm that she has been cradling in her hands all afternoon long, hanging out with their friends in 'the spot' just like the old times.  James and Emma were at Ross's parents house, so she and Ross were free to spend the afternoon 'just like the old times' with their friends.

"Nothing…" Ross mouthed.  "Ju-just that this is fun…"

"Oh, can you two please listen?" Chandler put on a feigned offended expression and dramatically gestured to the couple, interrupting their conversation.  "Something important might have happened to Bob and you wouldn't even know it."

Joey looked at Chandler quizzically.  "Who's Bob?"

Chandler's jaw dropped.  "What?  Don't tell me you haven't been listening too?"  He looked at Phoebe, causing her to suddenly jerk up as she looked away from her fingers.  "Pheebs?"

"Oh yeah…Bob is that…" Phoebe trailed, coughing out the rest of her answer.

"Monica?" Chandler glanced at his wife, flashing her a questioning look.

Monica grinned at Chandler sheepishly, lifting her gaze from her wristwatch.  "I think it's about time that we all leave for dinner.  I made the reservations for seven and we don't want to be late…"

"You should have made the reservations for eight," Phoebe commented blithely.  "Because eight rhymes better with late."

"Does it matter, Pheebs?" Monica asked, grimacing a little.

"Oh now, this you listen to," Chandler joined in sarcastically.  He rolled his eyes, shaking his head.  "Okay, c'mon!  Let's just go.  What are you all waiting for?  Christmas?" he asked, standing up

"Actually, Christmas is in five days…" Joey reminded, retrieving his coat from the back of the chair.

"Which reminds me…I haven't gotten any of you Christmas presents," Chandler grinned guiltily, looking like he was about to make a run out of the coffeehouse.

"That's all right."  Phoebe shrugged her shoulders, following Monica and Chandler out.  "As long as you're not going to give us one of those 'a donation has been made to your name' crap again this year."

Joey began to walk, shaking his head.  "Ross, Rach, you guys are coming right?"

Rachel nodded, grabbing her coat.  "Yeah, do you want a ride?"

Joey nodded.  "Yes, please…"

"Okay…" Rachel smiled, helping Ross to his coat.  "Just hang on a sec."

A gentleman on a few different occasions, Joey offered to push Ross out of the coffeehouse.  "Man, these chairs are so cool!" Joey commented, grabbing on both corners of the chair, spinning it around in preparation for the door.  "Imagine, you never have to worry about finding a chair because…you know…you always got one.  You're so lucky man!"  Joey patted Ross's shoulder.

"Ah…Joey, Joey, Joey…"  Rachel laughed, shaking her head as she followed the two.

They were by the doors when suddenly they opened and in came Hugh.  He stopped on his tracks as the awkwardness seemingly kept his feet glued to the ground.  His face, nevertheless, told Rachel that he has a reason for showing up that very minute.  Suddenly, Rachel grew worried.  She stood there, unable to say another word until Ross broke the silence and, for the first time, greeted Hugh.

Hugh returned the greeting with a smile and a polite nod.  His response was more subdued than before, but it was still courteous.  Taking a deep breath, he turned to Rachel, making her more edgy than ever.  "Can I, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" he asked, biting his bottom lip.

"Um…now?" Rachel asked, hoping that her nervousness wouldn't show for many reasons—one being Ross was just right there.

"Yeah…if you don't mind," Hugh replied awkwardly.

Rachel smiled timidly, her pulse quickening by the beat.  She had a feeling what it was the Hugh wanted to talk about.  She had been avoiding him all the week for the sole reason of avoiding 'the talk.'  She knew what she did was wrong, and now that things were working out with Ross again, she just didn't want to be reminded of that mistake. 

Worriedly, Rachel stole a glance at Ross, only to find him staring back at her with a baffled look on his face.  Ross smiled at her, nonetheless, giving her a nod before gesturing to the doors.  "We'll w-wait out-outside," he told her reassuringly, flashing Rachel a kind and trusting smile that just drove her insanely guilty.  She hated the feeling.  Though she was not exactly lying to him about anything, she hasn't told him the whole truth either; and that to her was lying, and she couldn't be guiltier about it.

As soon as the doors closed behind Ross, Rachel drew in a deep breath and slowly turned to face Hugh.  "Hi…" she greeted lamely.

Hugh turned red, almost unable to look Rachel in the eye.  "Look, I'm sorry to do this, but I think we really have to talk…"  He inhaled deeply, and gestured to the empty loveseat by the window.  He led the way, and Rachel reluctantly followed, keeping a good distance away from him once they sat down.

"Okay, about what happened…" they started at the same time, causing them to fall into another bout of awkwardness for a split second.

Hugh smiled weakly.  "Maybe I should begin…" he suggested almost immediately, cutting to the chase without giving Rachel a chance to say anything.  He rubbed his hands together and cleared his throat.  "Well, I guess the reason why I want to talk to you is because I want to apologize.  Rachel, I am sorry for…you know…doing what I did.  I just woke up the next morning and I just felt awful…Then you started avoiding me at work…" he couldn't even finish his sentence.  "I hope my stupidity didn't ruin our friendship completely…"

"Well…" Rachel bit her bottom lip.  "It's not entirely your fault…I'm sorry too…"

"But I should never have—"

"Maybe it'd be best if we just forget about this?" Rachel suggested, wincing a little.

"You're right…" Hugh smiled.  "So, are we cool?" he asked, uncertain.

Rachel smiled awkwardly.  "I guess…" 

"Good," Hugh sighed, seemingly more relieved.  "Because I don't want to just leave things weird between us before I relocate to Italy for my new job."

"Oh yeah…you're leaving…" Rachel recalled, suddenly feeling much more relieved.  At least, she wouldn't have to bump into Hugh every single day anymore.

"Right. And you're taking over my old position at Ralph Lauren."  Hugh paused for a long moment and then released a sigh, looking at Rachel timidly.  "So we're cool, right?  You're not mad at me or anything?"

"No…"  Rachel smiled at Hugh one last time.  Her friendship with him was probably never going to be the same again, but she was glad that they somehow managed to put that one drunken mistake behind them.

"And I'm guessing you want to keep this a secret?"

Rachel blushed a little, suddenly getting a mental flash of Ross before her.  She didn't want to keep a secret from her husband, but they were still in the process of rebuilding their relationship and she didn't want anything to come in to jeopardize that.  She was wrong that one time; she knew that.  But, it wasn't like she was planning to do it again.  "Yes, please…"

"Done."  Hugh gave Rachel a polite nod.  "I guess this is it.  Good luck…"

"Good luck to you too," Rachel replied politely.  "I should get going…"  After one final glance, she left Hugh sitting by the table and walked out of the coffeehouse, closing the doors behind her, closing the chapter of her life that she didn't want to revisit again.

=====

Ross looked up from the book he was reading and smiled at his daughter as she poked her head into the bedroom...again.  Emma had been back and forth, running to and fro, doing exactly just that, watching him 'secretly.'  When he would catch her, she would grin back sheepishly and run away giggling.

"Yes, Emma?" Ross arched an inquisitive brow, rolling his wheelchair forward a little bit.

Adorably, Emma giggled, covering her mouth with her hands before running away again.

Ross laughed, shaking his head.  He wasn't sure if the girl wanted to play or what.  It was already her bedtime and yet she was still doing all this running in her pajamas.

Emma returned, a few seconds later.  More shyly this time, she poked her head into the room and grin sheepishly at her Daddy when she caught him already staring at her.  A little hesitant to come in at first, she stayed put by the door, as if waiting for her father to cue her in.

Ross gestured the girl to come closer.  Timidly, Emma took slow steps towards him.  She had her hands behind her back and later Ross realized that the girl was carrying a large storybook behind her.  Wondering if that had been the reason why she had been running back and forth into the bedroom, he smiled at her and asked, "Do…do you w-want m-me to r-read to you?"

Emma nodded slowly and looked up at her father with her big, blue eyes.  "Yes please, Daddy…" she said sweetly.  More boldly this time, she climbed on her father's lap, shifted until she found a cozy position, and smiled up at him appreciatively.

Wordlessly, Ross kissed the top of Emma's head and she snuggled closer to him.  With a soft sigh escaping his throat and a tender smile gracing his lips, he flipped the storybook open.  He had always wondered if this kind of moment would ever happen again, but it did and it was way much better than he'd imagined.

Finally, his life was falling back into all the right places again—at least now it felt like it.  It has been a trying learning and healing process for him—still is—but increasingly, everyday he has been coming to terms with his present reality.  He just hoped that nothing would come to disrupt the stability for a while.  If that happened, he didn't think he'd know what to do anymore.

=====

"I'm stubborn…I believe…"

Rachel smiled as she watched her son faded into unconsciousness still mumbling the last line of his wish verses.  Tenderly, she touched his cheek and planted a feathery kiss on the tip of his nose.  "Night Jamesy-cuckoo…"

James gurgled his reply, rolling onto his side, rolling out of his blanket to reveal his chunky tummy.

Rachel giggled softly, fixing the blanket around the boy.  "Oh, Jamesy…what are you going to do without Mommy?"  She smiled and kissed the boy's forehead.  The one thing that she perhaps had been always fortunate with was that she never had to live far from her children.  She didn't think she could do it.  She had witnessed how hard it had been for Ross and their children to readjust to each other, and she simply didn't think she could handle a situation like that for herself.

Sighing, she turned off the lights and left the room.

Wondering if Emma was finally asleep, she sauntered over to her room only to find the girl's bed empty.  With a thoughtful furrow across her forehead, she walked back to the hallway and headed for her own bedroom.

"Ross, is Em—"

"Ssshh…" Ross silenced her, happily gesturing to the sleeping toddler in his arms.  His eyes were twinkling and his smile was just full of pure delight.

Rachel never realized how much she missed this picture until she saw them again.  Wheelchair and Emma's length aside, the coziness and the warmth were still there.  "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

Ross nodded, planting yet another tender kiss on Emma's forehead.

"I think she really missed you more than she'd like to admit…" Rachel sat on the bed before Ross and Emma, and gently stroked her daughter's soft honey curls.  "But you're gonna have to prepare yourself mister because this girl, I'm sure, would be coming to you every night from now on, asking you to rock her to sleep…"  She smiled at Ross, gently stroking his ear, and he smiled at her, leaning forward to kiss her softly on the lips.

A soft, satisfied smile crossed Rachel's face as she pulled away.  Soon after, she yawned, making Ross chuckle.  "Hey, that's not funny…I'm sleepy.  It has been a long day," she defended, feigning a pout. And when it was Ross who let out a tired yawn, she giggled right back at him.

"Do you want to bring her into her room or should I do it?" Rachel asked.

Ross grinned at Rachel sheepishly and handed her the sleeping child.

"Lazy bum," Rachel joked, taking Emma from Ross.

"Thank you," Ross replied, kissing Rachel's cheek.

Rachel grinned, glad that she could, little by little, start joking with Ross again without having had to worry about offending him.  She really missed that kind of interaction between them.

As if reading Rachel's thoughts, Ross grinned mischievously and gave her a playful slap in the butt before she left.  Rachel arched her brow, pulling a mock-glare at her husband.  "You're so going to pay for that later!"  With a haughty exit, she made her way out, leaving Ross laughing after her.

The phone rang less than a second after Rachel left.    Unhurriedly, Ross picked it up on the third ring.  "He-Hello?"

It was a woman and she sounded very angry.

"Hi, this is Marisa, Hugh's fiancée.  I'm guessing you're the husband.  So if you could just give Rachel my message, that would be great…"

"Okay…" Ross replied unsurely.  He had no idea what Hugh's girlfriend suddenly wanted from Rachel.

"Yeah, tell her that she's a b*tch for sleeping with my boyfriend!"

Ross didn't even get to finish the rest of Marisa's message.  He didn't think he needed to.  He heard enough.

To be continued…