Author's Note: I am sooooo sorry I haven't updated. It's been insanely busy. I can't always promise a quick update, but I'm trying my best to keep up with this. I had some trouble deciding where to take this, but I feel as though I've figured out a good plan for how to do this. So, this chapter is ahead of time now, but I will go back and explain some more again. Keep an eye on the dates/times! As always, read and review!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. So don't sue.


Elliot Stabler's Home

March 25, 2008

10:35 AM

"Elliot, you really should come..." Don looks at me from across the kitchen table, sympathy written across his face. I didn't want to sit here, listening to him repeat the same thing everyone else has said. I don't want to hear this. I can't go... I just... I can't.

"I can't do this," I whisper, glancing up before looking back down into my coffee mug again. I've said the same thing to everyone for two days now. John, Fin, Kathy, Don, Simon... everyone. It feels like the past week is a blur. I can't understand any of this. It's confusing to me - how this happened in the first place. How my partner, my best friend, is dead. The kicker is how we were all under the impression that she'd be fine, that she'd get through this.

"She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself," Don replies, resting a paternal hand on my arm.

"Shut up!" I yell, jerking my arm away as I stand up. The older man looks hurt, but I can tell he understands. "Nobody gets it! Everyone just needs to leave me the hell alone! She wouldn't want any of this!" I'm pacing angrily by now, trying to convey my emotions without anger. It's not working. "She didn't wanna die! I caused this!" I storm outside, letting the brisk morning air hit my face. I ca n hear Don and Kathy talking quietly inside, and I know he's telling her to talk to me. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of hearing that everything will be alright. Nothing's alright.

A moment passes before I notice Don passing me on his way to his car. He's trying, and I feel bad for blowing up at him. But I can't help it. He doesn't understand. No one understands it. "Are you alright, daddy?" a voice catches my attention, and I glance behind me to see Maureen there. My oldest daughter. Even though she's on her own, it's always comforting to hear 'daddy' come out of her mouth every now and then.

"Fine," I mumble before turning to head inside. I pause, knowing that inside, my wife is waiting, probably wanting to talk.

"We all loved her like family, dad," Maureen says quietly, sitting on the steps of the porch. "We all miss her," she whispers. I can hear the pain in her own voice, and the father in me takes over the saddened friend. I sit beside her and wrap my arm over her shoulders. I glance over finally, and I see the tears rolling down her face. It breaks my heart. "I'm just so glad it wasn't you," she mumbles, burying her head in my shoulder.

I cant help but think that it should have been me. "I can't believe she's gone," I whisper, smoothing my daughters hair down. I don't know what else to say. I'm so engulfed in my own pain, that it's hard to be a dad right now. My kids are hurting from this too, but I just can't help them. I can't even help myself, right now.

"You're really not going to the wake or funeral?" Maureen asks quietly, trying to stop crying. I can't bring myself to look at her now. I can't go to Liv's wake or funeral. It's confirmation that she's gone. I don't want to face that. I simply shake my head 'no', unsure of what to say. "I kind of wanted to," Maureen replies, sniffling. "I know Kathleen and Dickie and Elizabeth wanted to as well. I don't wanna go without you though..." she adds.

"Baby, I just can't," I sigh, running my free hand over my face. I can't explain it. I'm sure Simon blames me. He acts like he doesn't, but this was his sister. And Dean Porter. He was into her. We could all tell. I'm sure he blames me. The wake takes place in two hours, and for two days, everyone has been trying to convince me I need closure. "I can't do it," I whisper once more, continuing to hold my oldest daughter like I did when she was a young child, waking up from a nightmare.


Author's Note: Please don't hate me. Pleaseeeee. I didn't want to do this, but rest-assured, the plans I have for the rest of the story will be worth it. Review, please!!