Title: Sasuke
Rating: T
Summary: Sasuke isn't impressed with this 'therapy' bullshit. But he's trying to make up to family for what he's put them through.
Warnings: Serious stuff going down here people, get your hanky. Slight Language.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto.
Author Note: I was going to have this as the seventh chapter and then got hit in the head with a request for something that would have happened in between chapter six and this one. So I postponed this one :)
-Also, this may answer even more questions and concerns that I've been receiving. I hope it helps clear some things up :)
***xxXXxx***
"Why do you feel unworthy Sasuke?" Jogen has been working up to this question ever since Sasuke let out that not only did he feel angry, sad, used, dirty and ashamed, but unworthy.
Sasuke has been, it seems to Jogen, surprisingly open during his second day of therapy about the six day old assault. Sasuke just doesn't want to do therapy every other day for a year like his mother is thinking of scheduling for him. Once a week is too much for him, he thinks, but it's probably the best he can hope for.
"I... left. I went to him." Sasuke is talking about his leaving Konoha and going to Orochimaru. He knows that Naruto forgives him and he knows that Jogen is talking about the fake assault, but Sasuke is almost pleased that he's finally getting help for what the snake bastard did to him in Oto, even if it's years later.
"Sasuke-kun, you were coerced." Jogen leans forward in his chair but doesn't touch Sasuke as he points this out, "The man that assaulted you lured you away from your group and the people watching you. It's not your fault."
Sasuke scowls, "I still feel unworthy."
"What do you think you are unworthy for, Sasuke?"
"Serving my Hokage." Technically it's true. Even knowing that Naruto loves him and was willing to die to bring him back to Konoha, Sasuke knows deep in his heart that because of his defection he isn't worthy of serving Naruto.
"That's a grand goal," Jogen encourages him to continue, "You're thinking of becoming a ninja?"
"I'm slated to start the Academy in the fall," Sasuke says.
Jogen leans back in his chair, "Congratulations." He says. Sasuke watches him warily. It's not that Sasuke doesn't trust the man, but he really doesn't know him. He sort of remembers him from before the massacre, but the memories are blurry because he never had any direct contact with this Uchiha.
"Thanks."
"Why do you think this assault has made you unworthy of serving the Hokage?" Jogen asks again.
Sasuke blinks and tries to think of a way to twist his words so they'll make sense in the current situation, "I trusted the wrong person. I was thinking of myself, not anyone else. That's not what ninja do."
"Sometimes it is," Jogen directs the conversation back to Sasuke, "You have to remember that you are still a child, Sasuke," Jogen looks like he want to pat Sasuke on the shoulder and he's grateful that the man doesn't touch him.
"I'm an Uchiha prodigy," Sasuke mutters, "We don't get to be 'children'."
"What do you mean?" Sasuke is glad that he's managed to bring someone else into the equation so he doesn't have to talk about the staged rape. He finds it harder then he thought it would be to twist his words so they match up with the events.
"Aniki is a chuunin. He graduated at eight and made Chuunin at nine. I'm going to graduate at six and hopefully pass the first exam chuunin I participate in. We are ninja." Sasuke looks at the ground, "We have been told every day of our lives that we will grow up and serve the Hokage."
It had broken Itachi the first time. It almost broke Sasuke the first time. Sasuke hopes that he'll be able to stop it this time around.
"You feel pressured at home? Do you think you disappointed your parents by 'letting' your rapist lure you to a place where you were alone with him?"
"... I don't know." Sasuke doesn't want to answer that. He knows that if his parents had been alive when he was twelve they would have been disappointed.
But for all the wrong reasons. Last time they were about to create a civil war that would have killed a lot of people. They would have been disappointed that Sasuke hadn't managed to kill or even defeat Naruto last time.
He doesn't feel like he's disappointed them this time. His parents love him and want him happy this time instead of seeing him as peripheral to his brother. He thinks that maybe the 'rape' brought him to the forefront of their minds and that maybe they've realised that they had been treating him like a badly made copy of Itachi.
Jogen smiled softly, "Yes, you do know."
Sasuke bit his lip and frowned. "No?" He tries to state his answer but he doesn't quite accomplish it and his word comes out as a question.
"Is that an answer or a question, Sasuke?"
"No." Sasuke repeats firmly, "No, I didn't disappoint them." And he didn't. Not these parents, not the parents he has now, not the parents that he's grown to love since he came back.
"You're right, you didn't disappoint anyone. You are a child and you aren't at fault." Jogen seems to think that Sasuke's made a breakthrough by saying 'no'. He probably thinks Sasuke understands that he didn't disappoint his parents by getting coerced to follow a stranger.
Sasuke knows he didn't disappoint these parents when he didn't kill Naruto, his Konoha comrade, at the Valley at the End.
"Do you still think that you're unworthy, Sasuke?" Jogen brings back his question. Sasuke thinks that it must be an important question, because the man is like a dog with a bone about it.
"Yes." Sasuke doesn't think he's unworthy, he knows he's unworthy. It's something that will never go away for him. He betrayed Naruto. He tried to kill Naruto. And even worse than getting raped by the man he betrayed his best friend for, is that Naruto forgave him.
He isn't worthy of Naruto's forgiveness.
"But you still want to be a ninja."
"Yes."
"Would you feel comfortable following in your father's footsteps by becoming a police officer?"
Sasuke represses a snort. There is no way in hell that he would ever forsake Naruto again and since Naruto still wants to be Hokage, Sasuke will be a ninja and follow him, protect him. That's the only goal Sasuke has anymore.
"No. I will be a ninja." He must sound resigned, because Jogen looks worried.
"Do you want to be a ninja, Sasuke? Truly?"
"I have no other ambition." Being a ninja is all the ambition he needs now. He'll be a ninja and he'll continue making up for what he's done.
"It's not healthy to only have one goal, Sasuke," Jogen tells him, "You should set other goals as well."
"Like getting strong? So what happened will never happen again?" The last time Sasuke had the goal of becoming strong he nearly killed Naruto.
"That's an excellent goal as well," Jogen sighs, "What I mean though is that you should try setting smaller goals, maybe one goal you can accomplish every day. For example, you could set a goal to do all the dishes for one day. Or you could set a goal of making a relative smile. Small steps will help you feel less helpless."
Sasuke scoffs in his head. Small goals. There was no point in small goals, because all his small goals would lead up to his one single ambition.
Protect Naruto.
"I think that we'll end here today, Sasuke," Jogen stands up and Sasuke follows suit, "I'd like to ask that you try setting daily goals for the next few days."
"Okay." Sasuke doesn't want to set goals, but he'll do it because his mother will ask and Itachi will check on him, and Sasuke likes his family and doesn't want to hurt them anymore then he already has.
He hadn't expected the reaction he got when he started this charade. He remembers his parents as being distant and focusing only on Itachi. He supposes that some good has come from this though, because he's seen his father talking amicably with Hiashi Hyuga and Tsume Inuzuka, two people Fugaku never would have talked to before, never mind companionably.
Jogen hands him a notebook with a chakra lock on it, "Since we are Uchiha, I thought that a daily notebook with this kind of lock would be best," He smiles at Sasuke and Sasuke frowns. "Oh, don't worry, you don't have to write everything down, just a little something from each day. Even if you just write 'Completed goals today' or whatever."
Sasuke takes the notebook and looks at it dubiously. The only good thing he can see about this is that he can set his own traps in the chakra lock so the book may turn out to be more secure then the Forbidden Scroll ever was.
He finally puts the book in his backpack and follows Jogen to the door.
Itachi is waiting outside in the lobby and straightens when Sasuke steps outside the office.
"Otouto."
"Aniki," Sasuke murmurs. It surprises Sasuke at how tired he feels. He hadn't thought that sitting in an office talking for an hour and a half would make him weary.
"Thank you Jogen-sensei," Itachi bows to Jogen and reaches for Sasuke's hand. Sasuke is too tired to stop him and folds his fingers around Itachi's.
They leave quietly.
The walk back to the house is quiet and Sasuke wonders what his mother is going to ask when he gets home. Last time, his first therapy session, Mikoto had gone with him. She'd actually been in the office with him until Jogen had asked if he could describe his assault. She'd had to leave when he got to the part where the man undid his pants.
Sasuke thinks it was cruel of him not to ask his mother to leave before then. Maybe she had remembered the button he'd ripped off the man's pants and planted in his shirt for his mother to find.
Sasuke knew that she'd found it, because he'd seen her give it to his father the next night when Fugaku had come home.
"Otouto?" Itachi asked, breaking their silence.
"Yes?"
"Are you alright?"
"Yes," Sasuke nodded, "I am thinking about what to write in my journal." Sasuke is a very good liar.
"I see. When did you get your journal?"
"Jogen-sensei gave it to me. I'm supposed to write something every day, even if it's only a few words."
"I see," Itachi squeezes Sasuke's hand gently and Sasuke bites his lip. It was still so very strange for him to be around his brother without trying to kill him.
He'd made that mistake already when he'd confused now-Itachi for then-Orochimaru the night the charade begun. He hadn't realised that he would have a flashback to his stay in Oto and he hadn't meant to throw the kunai at Itachi.
It had been Itachi's soft, gentle, caressing voice in a dark room and the brush of long hair across his arm that had reminded him of Orochimaru asking him to come to bed, to strip naked.
He'd resisted only once. He then knew that it hurt far more to resist then to just let the man do what he wanted with him.
"Otouto?" Itachi's voice is so far away and Sasuke wonders when they'd been separated.
"Sasuke, can you hear me?" Itachi sounds worried and Sasuke blinks his eyes.
He finds himself standing in the middle of the road with Itachi kneeling in front of him, hands on his shoulders, worry clear on his face.
"An-Aniki?" Sasuke stutters and realises that his mind had fallen into the past. He shakes his head to clear it.
"Sasuke, are you okay?" Itachi strokes his hands up and down his arms and Sasuke throws himself into his older brother's arms.
This older brother was his protector. This older brother would let anyone hurt him.
This older brother was the one he wanted.
"Nii-tama," He whispers into Itachi's ear and Itachi clutches tightly to him.
"Sasuke-chan, what's wrong?" Itachi is very quiet and Sasuke feels hot drops of water on his shoulder and knows that Itachi is crying again.
Sasuke didn't know why Itachi was crying, but Itachi had said that he was crying because Sasuke wasn't. Sasuke doesn't understand that, but if it made Itachi happy then it was alright.
"I just - what he did, I just remembered what he did again."
"I've got you, Otouto," Itachi tells him, "I'll keep you safe."
Sasuke believes him. Sasuke has always believed his older brother and he isn't about to stop now.
Itachi picks him up when he stands and cuddles him to his chest, utilizing the Body Flicker to finish their trek home. Mikoto meets them at the door. She can see the tears on Itachi's face and seems to know that he's crying for Sasuke.
"Come inside," She grasps Itachi's shoulder and guides him in the door and to the living room.
"Mother," Itachi doesn't let go of Sasuke when she reaches for him, "I'm going to take Sasuke upstairs. He is tired."
Sasuke sometimes worries about how possessive Itachi is of him. He can't see anything wrong with it though, so he doesn't say anything about it.
Sasuke holds tightly onto Itachi as his brother walks up the stairs and takes him to his room.
"Are you tired?" Itachi asks him. Sasuke nods against his neck. His brother sits on the edge of his bed and tries to lay him down. Sasuke refuses to let go. "Sasuke," Itachi strokes his back, "You have to let me go."
"You can't leave." Sasuke doesn't mean to say it, but he finds he doesn't regret it when Itachi kisses the top of his head and nods wearily.
"Okay, Otouto." Itachi lies back on the bed and Sasuke curls up into his torso.
They lay together in Sasuke's bed until Sasuke falls asleep.
***xxXXxx***
