Chapter 8

I thought I would skip dinner, but instead, and hour later I found myself being dragged by Effie into the dining room. I was extremely annoyed at her and kept trying to bat her off, evening knocking her wig to the side a little before she just dropped me in the chair next to Peeta. I rolled my eyes and turned away, I didn't have enough energy to move away from all of them to the other side of the table, anyway, the table was full of everybody else that was now apparently on our "team."

No one commented on my state, but I was sure they were all itching to, especially the prep team. They couldn't just sit there and look at my mused hair and not want to say it looked a mess. Or tell me I was psychotic looking because of my now red and bloodshot eyes. And to add to everything, my eyes were probably just as cold and full of hatred as usual to them. Or maybe I just looked pathetic. I guessed that was a way to put it, because I was crying at a time when I should just be strong and forget about everything else. At least there was nothing else left to do. I'd said good bye already. Now it was just me.

"You two were absolutely wonderful tonight." Effie said, frowning as Haymitch took a very un-gentleman like swig from his glass of wine.

"Yes, Cinna and Portia did an amazing job." Peeta said, nodding at the two, Portia was actually blushing.

"Oh, it was all Cinna's idea. He had us spend a lot of time in the lab trying to make that fire actually look realistic." Portia said, humbly.

"Don't sell yourself short, Portia. It was your idea to use Chem. 144 in the first place." Cinna said as if we all knew what that was. Maybe they did.

Venia laughed. "I would never have guessed it was a fake fire, be then they were burning or charred."

Everybody laughed, except me. I wrapped my arms around myself, the soft color giving me a little comfort.

"That color actually looks very nice on you." Cinna said. He was sitting across from me with Portia at his left.

I nodded looked away, really not interested in talking at the moment. Either he didn't pick up on that, or he decided to ignore his intuition.

"Have you ever seen the ocean? It looks just like that color."

"Of course not. I live in District Twelve, not Four. Do you think I had time to go on a vacation to some wonderful place while I was practically starving to death?" I shot back.

Everybody looked away and pretended to be very interested in their food all of a sudden.

"I'm sorry if I offended you." he said softly.

I softened a little. I wasn't really mad at him. Actually, I liked Cinna the best out of our little crowd. He seemed mostly unaffected by the Capital unlike the rest of them. Peeta was trying to act like them, Haymitch was drunk because of them, Effie was one of them, and the prep teams were just as brainwashed as anyone could be.

"I know."

I looked down at my plate and saw a plate of buttery noodles in a green sauce that was delicious, plus a lot of vegetables that I had never seen before in my life. I tried a few of them and found I liked most of them, but a few were a little too bitter for me. Or maybe I was too bitter for them. I decided to ignore that thought.

The next course was a small bird for each of us and everybody cut into it delicately, but I got too frustrated with trying to cut around the bones to care and just ripped it apart. A few of them shot me a look, but I ignored them.

Suddenly, Peeta, who had been cutting it just like they had, put down his knife and did the same. There was a crack as the bone broke between his hands and I laughed. A few of them stared, but Peeta smiled and took another bite.

I continued to eat, still wondering why Peeta had done that. Why make life easier on a person that would likely kill you later? Or you might kill them?

The next few courses were just as good, but all too small, and left me wanting more. When dessert came everybody cheered at the sight of the cake that was lit flame. They said that Peeta and I should cut it together. I started to refuse, but Peeta had grabbed the knife and had taken my hand before I could say anything. We made a clean cut together and everybody smiled at us in an odd way.

I looked down, and lifted my head only to finish the large slab of rich chocolate cake they put down in front of me. They all walked to the living room to watch the ceremony again, but I felt a little cold, a little sick from the rich food and I wasn't exactly eager to see us put in front of the crowd like meat on sale. That was essentially what they were asking the sponsors. Which one would you like? Because if they live, you get to keep them. Just give us more money and you get whatever you want from them. I shivered at the thought.

As I was passing the door, though I couldn't help but stop and watch for a few minutes. There were only the Districts One to Eleven, but as soon as we came out, there was nothing on the screen that wasn't our faces for more than a few seconds. They had centered the show around us smashing the clips together to make a long collage of just Peeta and I. Peeta waving, me blowing kisses, Peeta holding my hand, me looking at Peeta, Peeta smiling, me smiling. I looked away and walked down the hallway. I didn't hear the footsteps, or maybe I would have had time to run.

"Terra, wait!" Peeta called out. I could hear the others talking in the other room and I decided I was too tired to get away from him at this point.

I ran a hand through my hair, but stopped and waited for him to appear next to me.

"You watched the end?"
"Yes."
"You looked pretty good tonight. You were beautiful."
I stiffened. No one had ever told me that. Maybe my father a few times when I went out to hunt for them and he said I looked very brave and beautiful.

"Thank you." I said, my voice even and almost dead. "You looked nice too."

"No, I think you were the whole show. They pretty much gave you the whole run time. I'm sure you have a whole line of sponsors now."

I laughed. "You and your good looks and your charms are going to win over the 'beautiful' girl that has an icy exterior."
"You didn't look cold tonight."
"Because I was on fire."

"Because you were living a little. In extreme situations, I think you actually let a little bit of the real you sprout out and then you cut it off like a weed and hide it." he said, looking deeper into my face.

"Don't think you know everything." I said, looking the other direction.

I kept walking forward, but I didn't notice that we had passed our rooms until we reached the end of the hallways with the big metal door at the end. It was labeled roof.

"We should go up. Cinna showed it to me before and I bet the city is even more beautiful right now once all the lights are on."

"I don't know. We might not be allowed." I backed away from the door a little, but he grabbed more arm and pushed the door open before I could walk away.

The smell of fresh air enticed me forward and I climbed the stairs in a daze, smiling a little. Once we reached the top I actually smiled all the way. Spread out in front of us was the Capital, glittering in its lights. I wondered how a beautiful city like this could be the home to so many despicable people. I guess it was like a rose. They were beautiful, but unless you were careful, they cut you. I didn't want to be one of the careless ones who got cut.

"It's stunning." I remarked, leaning over the railing.

"Watch this." he said. It picked up a small pebble that was on the roof and threw it over the edge. There was a shocking sound and then the pebble flew back.

"I guess they're worried we might just decided to end it now and jump."

"Would you?" I asked.

"What?"

"Would you jump?"

He smiled. "I'm not sure."

The exact words I'd said when he'd asked me if I would kill that little girl.

"I'm tired." I said, but I didn't make a move to leave.

"Me too. But I more tired of this place."

"We've only been here for a few hours." I saw he was looking into the distance at a very large mansion at the center of the whole city.

"I meant of this place using us. We're just little pieces they like to us. They don't really care that they make all of us either killers or dead."

"I think most of them just want to be full, entertained and happy. But when you have everything, you get greedy, don't you?"

He nodded. "If I die, I want to die as me. Not as one of their pieces. Does that make sense?"
I shook my head. "No. You'll always be you."
"No, I don't think so. Once you kill someone, you're not the same person. You're a killer. So if I'm alive, then that means I did what they wanted. But if I'm dead, then doesn't that mean I did what they wanted too?"

I glanced at all the flowers and plants around us, noticing the beauty of this garden for the first time. I wondered who started this place. In the Capital they did like pretty things, but this was unusual. There were no genetically altered flowers that smelled stronger or were brighter. They all look fairly natural.

"I don't think so. If you kill yourself, they wouldn't expect it. In the area at least. Here I guess they did." I said, motioning to the electric field in front of us.

I watched a small celebration down below us. "I guess that's for the tributes."

Peeta nodded. "A party."

"Death party." I mutter. I can feel his gaze on me.

"You know what? I think they could be watching us all the time. What if they're watching us right now." The thought made my skin crawl, but he was probably right.

I backed away from the edge and looked around at the garden, so many places for a camera to be hidden.

"You know what? It doesn't matter." I said, smiling.

"What do you mean?"

I spun in a full circle as if I was looking for something at each turn.

"They Capital! I don't care what you do to us! We're not going to be pons, or pieces or puppets in your stupid Games."
"Terra?" Peeta said, in mock horror. "Such language."

I laughed. "Who cares? We'll be dead or monsters in a few weeks. It doesn't matter."

He was thoughtful for a few minutes.

"Isn't this what you wanted?" I asked. "To not be controlled by them?"
He smiled. "Yeah, and guess what? You're not in control! We make our own decisions!"

We both laughed.

"You don't control us!" we both screamed in harmony at an invisible person.

I leaned back against the rail and sighed, taking in the sight of the garden.

"We were looking in the wrong direction, weren't we?" Peeta said softly.

I nodded.

"Sorry you don't have a mirror."

"Why?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because you can't see yourself right now. You're more stunning than the city or the garden."

I frowned. He was sucking me in again. How could I have let him do this? What was wrong with me? He was using me again. Trying to get to me. Just like the Capital, just like everybody else. There was a little tug at my heart that seemed to whisper "Just give in", but I crushed that. I turned away from Peeta and when I looked back I could tell I was my cold, closed off self again. I saw Peeta adjust to it too, his stance was a little more protective and his head was held a little higher.

"I told you to quit the act a long time ago." I said.

"What act are you talking about?"

"The one where we're actually friends." I replied, I could almost feel the cold chill from my words.

"And we're not?" he asked, a little stunned.

"No. We're not. We're just tributes together, not friends." I spat the last word out.

"You're doing it again. You're killing that little part of you." He reached for my hand and unlike what most girls would have done in his presence, I yanked my hand away from him and hurled a huge rock over the edge to have it come flying back and break a flower pot. We both stared at it for a second, but I walked away before he recovered.

"Just leave me alone. If it's between you and me in the end, don't think I won't kill you, okay? But I'll remember to make it quick."

I swung the door open and stormed away, leaving Peeta alone in the now chilly wind on the roof.