Sweet Sacrifice

Chapter: 8

Pairing: Robert & Holly Scorpio

Rating: PG-13

Do you wonder why you hate?
are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

In the first two weeks following their return from England, everything was picture perfect for Robert and Holly. Just as it had been when they were away. It was all candlelight and kisses and walks in the moonlight. The trip had breathed life back into their relationship at such a crucial time that they wanted to do whatever it took to hold on to it. They never wanted to feel the hopelessness that came over them before.

They had hosted two dinner parties and attended five social functions, not to mention all the lunch and dinner dates in between without touching a single drop of alcohol. They both thought that they were doing so well. That once they set their minds to something that they could accomplish it. Especially together. After all that's what marriage was suppose to be about, the good and the bad. And in their minds they had survived the absolute worst.

But they soon found out that whilst they were away, wrapped up in their own little world time stopped for them, but not for Port Charles. After a month of being back they found themselves back in the thick of things. Robert's work began to pile up and Holly had charity events that were overlapping and in dire need of her attention. So they started spending more and more time at their respective offices and less and less time with each other.

And suddenly things were back to the way they were before their trip to England. Less the alcohol. It was almost as if they were standing back and watching their marriage crumble down around them but yet they were powerless to stop it. It was like watching a train wreck. Perhaps it wasn't the alcohol that drove them apart, into bitterness yes, but not apart. They would never grow apart. They couldn't. Even when they were at their absolute worse they were still connected by the most profound love, the kind that only existed in fairytales. The alcohol simply brought out the worst in them.

Holly breezed into her home only to find it filled with the delightful sound of Robert's addictive laughter followed by a little girls giggles. She sat down her shopping bags on the sofa and then walked into the den to find her husband sitting on the floor playing with Barbie dolls with their four year old niece, Gracie whilst 6 month old Abbey sat in his lap, preoccupied with her Fisher-Price toy.

"Well, isn't this a surprise." Holly said with a smile as she entered the room, prompting Gracie to drop her doll and fly into her arms. "Are you having fun with Uncle Robbie?"

"Lots of fun!" Gracie said, beaming. "Can we go swimming? I want to practice swimming like we did last week so I can do it all by myself."

"Of course we can." she replied as she brushed Gracie's dark curls away from her face. "I think you're going to be swimming all by yourself very soon."

"Uncle Robbie are you coming too?" she asked. "You missed it last week, I went really far without Aunt Holly's help."

Robert stood up with Abbey in his arms. "I'd love to come and watch."

"Don't you want to swim with us?" Gracie asked, her eyes dancing. "It's lots of fun."

"I can't swim." he replied.

"I'll teach you!" she immediately volunteered.

Twenty minutes later Robert was standing in the shallow end of the swimming pool as Gracie was instructing him on how to swim. Holly was a only few feet away holding Abbey as she watched Robert pretend to be a horrible swimmer purely for Gracie's benefit. Seeing Robert's loving and caring side with their nieces made her smile as she remembered when their sons were children and how devoted of a father he was to them. And suddenly a seed was planted in her mind.

She missed Andrew and William so much since they both left for college. Their house was filled with lingering silence where blasting music and mingled voices of several teenagers use to be. It was funny that they things that once drove her absolutely insane were now the things she longed to hear. She missed having her children at home and there were times where she found herself wishing that she and Robert would have had more children.

Holly wanted to hang onto her maternal instincts more than anything. If there was one thing she was truly good at, that she was truly meant to do, it was being a mother. And she had been a good one, at least she thought so. Every time she held Abbey in her arms she felt all those warm and fuzzy feelings come floating back to her as if they never left. Or perhaps it was desperation she felt that made her blood run hot and adrenaline rush through her veins. The overwhelming sensation to hang on to something that she poured her heart and soul into. Her marriage. And what better way to hang on to the past than to recreate happier times.

Holly wanted another child. And desperately. The thought had been swimming around in her mind for years. In the past she had hoped for an accidentally pregnancy. Wanting nothing more than for the birth control to fail. She wanted to wake up to dizziness and nausea. She wanted to feel the little life growing inside of her. Up until now it had been nothing more than a fantasy, an amusement to pass the time, but now the feeling only got stronger and stronger and it was getting harder and harder to fight and push to the back of her mind where most of her dreams went to die.

She was now in a position where she could actually have what she wanted, she could have another baby. Maybe it could even change things back to the way they were before...before everything had went so incredibly wrong between them. Robert loved children, he loved being a father, he would agree to having another baby.

Several hours later, after Mac had came and picked up the girls, Holly sat on the edge of their four poster bed rubbing lotion onto her legs as she watched Robert undress through the mirror in front of her. She had been waiting for the perfect time to bring up the fact that she wanted to have another baby, but she wanted to make it so that he couldn't and wouldn't say no to her.

"Robert." she said softly, her British accent as smooth as honey and just as sweet. "You are coming to bed aren't you, darling?"

He tied the string of his pyjamas. "I was thinking about it." he replied as he walked toward the bed. "Why did you have something in mind?"

Holly ran her hand down and her leg and then back up again. "I thought you and I could discuss something that's all."

Robert watched every movement Holly made. "What's that, luv?"

She looked up at him, her eyes practically dancing the delight, she had him right where she wanted him. There was no way he could say no to her request. "Well it starts with you taking these off." she said as she reached for the string on his pyjama bottoms. "And it kind of goes from there."

"You're up to something." he observed.

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you've got that look in your eye." he replied. "The one where I know you're up to something."

"I'm not up to anything." she assured him as she untied the string that she had been toying with. "I just thought that you and I could..."

"Could what?" Robert asked, grabbing her hands.

Holly continued to look up into his eyes. There was nothing left for her to do other than just tell him. She already had his attention. Honesty was always best. "I want to have a baby."

Robert just looked at her blankly for several long moments. He was trying to determine rather or not she was actually serious about the words that just came out of her mouth. Why on earth would she want to have a baby now? Their children were grown. He smiled, deciding that it was her idea of a joke. Something to catch him off guard and get his attention. "Holly." he said softly. "That's not funny, luv. Now, seriously, what was it that you wanted us to do?"

Her eyes grew dark and she pulled out of his grasp. "I'm serious!" she said as she stood up. "I want to have a baby."

"Our boys are grown." he reminded her. "Our days of diaper duty and soccer practice are over and have been for almost five years now. Why would you want to have another baby?"

"I always wanted a daughter." she confessed. "I've thought about this for a long time Robert, I really have. I want to have another baby more than anything in the world."

"Oh, Holly." he sighed. "You just miss Andrew and William." he tried to assure her. "Their actually moving forward with their lives and I know its going to take a while for you to adjust to the fact that they don't need mummy quite as much anymore, but you will. Having another baby isn't going to erase what you're feeling now."

"I don't want to replace our sons!" she yelled. "I want to have another baby and that doesn't have anything to do with them."

"Holly, I'm sorry, but I think this is absolutely ridiculous." he said. "We're both at places in our lives where a baby just doesn't fit in. I'm sorry, but I don't want to have another child."

"Robert!" she yelled again. "That's not fair!"

"I don't want to have another baby." he told her. "End of discussion."

"Don't you dare dismiss me!" Holly warned. "I don't work for you. I'm your wife, incase you may have forgotten, and a deserve a little more respect than that."

"There's nothing to discuss."

"I want a baby." she repeated.

Robert backed away from her and started walking toward the door. "We're not discussing this." he told her. "Campaign time is starting very soon and all our efforts need to be focused there and not on some crazy idea of yours about us having a baby after raising two grown sons."

"But, Robert!"

"Holly!" he yelled. "No! I want you to let it go!"

"Fine." she breathed out. "I'll let it go."

Robert was about to walk out the bedroom door but suddenly found himself walking back over to her. "No." he said. "That was way to easy."

"What?" she asked. "You said to let it go and I'm just doing what you told me to do. I'm letting it go."

"Whatever it is that you're thinking, don't!" he warned her. "There aren't many things I'm sure of anymore, but us having another child after all this time is most definitely one of them!"

"I said I would let it go!" she yelled loudly. "Let's just forget the entire thing!"

"I don't know what the hell you're trying to accomplish with this whole baby thing, but you can forget about it!" he told her. "I want you out in the field with me come campaign time not at home kneeling over the toilet with morning sickness."

"All you care about is your damn career." she accused. "Life is nothing but one big campaign after another for you is it?"

"I happen to love my job!" he said. "And it's something that I do rather well."

"That's true." she agreed. "But you know what, Robert? You're a lousy husband!"

"Maybe I am!" he agreed. "But at least when I'm at work I don't have to hear you bitch."

Holly closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then slowly exhaled. "Some days I wonder why I even married you to begin with."

"Because you were pregnant!" he yelled. "That's why you married me."

"Yes I know!" she yelled back. "But why the hell did I stay married to you?"

"I ask myself the same thing everyday!"

"You know what I don't want to talk to you right now, not when you're like this.." she said as she pushed past him and toward the bathroom. "I don't even want to look at you right now."

Holly slammed the bathroom door and then locked it behind her. Dammit she hated when she and Robert fought. Sometimes they could be so mean and nasty to each other. And they never truly meant what they said.. Things would just get heated and they would argue and things would spiral from there. After an while things would calm down and they would apologize to each other. They just needed a little space. She walked over to the vanity and opened the left side of the medicine cabinet.

Perhaps Robert was right after all. Maybe she really didn't want to have another baby maybe she just missed their sons. Maybe she was just trying to hang onto a little bit of her former self, something to remind her of all the good in her life, in her marriage. And she would have to spend the next eighteen years of her life devoted to a child if she had another baby. Yes, perhaps Robert was right after all.

She removed the packet of birth control from the cabinet and opened it up. She reached for the current day's pill and then brought it up to her mouth. The last thing they needed was a baby in the midst of their self created chaos. Hell the last thing she needed was nine months of aches and pains. She quickly washed down the pill and placed the packet back in the cabinet.

She closed the door to the medicine cabinet and made her way out of the bathroom. She wanted to find Robert and apologize. He was right she wasn't thinking rationally. After spending the afternoon with their nieces she just got carried away with the idea of having another child and she took it incredibly too far. They were past that stage in their lives and had been for a while now.

Downstairs Robert found himself standing in front of the bar in the livingroom. Before he could even think one hand was on the decanter of whiskey and the other hand was removing the cap. He watched as the liquor rushed out of the decanter and into the tumbler in front of him. He was dying for a drink. He was fighting everything inside of him not to take it, but it was like battling an internal demon and he just wasn't strong enough.

He raised the tumbler up to his mouth, his lips finally touching the coolness of the glass. But he found himself hesitating, hesitating to take a drink of something that he wanted so badly. He knew he shouldn't take the drink. He knew how wrong it was. But suddenly his head was filled with Holly's voice, yelling and screaming and demanding and all his resistance vanished.

The drink was quickly downed. And he felt so much better afterwards. So calm and relaxed. Alcohol wasn't such a bad thing for him after all. At least he thought so.

Holly watched in awe and in shock from her position on the top of the staircase as Robert easily downed a drink. They had promised each other that they weren't going to drink anymore. That it only made things worse. It made them spiral out of control. She thought he was stronger than that. She thought that he could conquer anything. But it seemed as though she was wrong. Her faith shattered.

She didn't even stick around to watch him pour the second drink, she fled to their bedroom in tears. It was her fault, it was entirely her fault, she had drove him to take a drink. And for several long minutes she sobbed on the bed controllably until the anguish faded as the anger started to rise up inside of her.

Within moments her tears were dry and she was once again standing in front of the open medicine cabinet in the bathroom. She reached for the birth control and opened it up, counting the pills inside. Several thoughts ran through her mind, twisting and turning and spinning.

"Fuck it!" she swore softly under her breath. The packet and the remaining pills hit the bottom of the waste basket with a thud.

Holly reached back into the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of aspirin. She popped the top and poured a few pills into her hand. Green and pale yellow capsules. Prozac. She reached for the glass sitting on the sink and filled it up halfway with water. She knew she shouldn't take the pills. She knew it was wrong. But suddenly her head was filled with Robert's voice, yelling and screaming and telling her that he didn't want another child. She closed her eyes trying to escape it but all she could see was Robert downing that drink and in that moment all her resistance vanished.

She never even hesitated she simply placed the pills in her mouth and then washed them down with water. And she felt so much better afterwards. At least she told herself she did.

And in that very moment it all came crashing down.