Being allowed to leave the infirmary, Squall had taken to his own bed to rest. The smell of instant coffee lingered in the air, giving away his secret journeys to and from the kettle every fifteen minutes.

He wriggled awkwardly, trying to find the comfortable spot he'd just left and failing that, he lay still, his head sinking halfway through his own, fluffy pillow which he'd never before appreciated quite so much.

A few days of lonely sleeplessness passed before finally, Zell knocked on his door with the familiar, though unusually slower, rat-a-tat-thump. He slunk into the room, rubbing his hands nervously and trying not to seem uncomfortable.
Squall put the kettle on again and made small talk, to get the bag of nerves to just return to being Zell.

"That's good coffee, thanks. Fresh?"

"Freshly opened jar" shrugged Squall, smirking; to him, coffee was coffee was coffee.

Zell grinned and gazed out of the window to watch the birds which were dancing to and fro with each other.

"Squall...? What's with...you and Rin? I mean, you're pretty much engaged, right?"

Squall nodded his head and sipped his coffee loudly.

"So...why....?"

Sighing, Squall placed his mug on the side and sank down onto the bed, leaning his long arms over the headboard and scratched behind his ear as he stretched his legs. He stared at Zell for a while, frowning slightly every once in a while, his breathing betraying his wish to speak, but not knowing how.

"She....she helped me. When I was where you are now. I mean...your situation...'Cause she pulled me out and then thought I loved her. I guess I don't...but...I couldn't hurt her now" he shook his head and gave a lopsided smile, tying to explain "I can't hurt her when she saved me. And...and it's the best way, to get over it. That...you know..."

"What is?"

"...Sex. Someone to talk to. And someone to...fuck..."

"Couldn't you just tell her you're-"

"Nah. Childhood trauma, she's phobic. Can't stand the thought of it, makes her throw up..."

"Ah...yeah...I heard about her dad..."Zell half grinned, throwing back the last mouthful of his bitter drink.

"And without telling her that, alls I got is "It's not you, its me" "

Squall chuckled mockingly and leaned back, the evening sun glowing orange on his face. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, making the shadows on his stomach rise and fall playfully. Zell glanced down to admire his bare chest, perfect and tanned.

"Zell, it IS the best way" The basking brunette repeated.

"That a hint?" Zell chuckled "Want me to say I want you to do me?"

Raising his head to examine Zell's reaction to his own question, he smiled broadly and returned to the sun.

"Well yeah....but that's not why I'm telling you. Whoever it is, you just need to...get over it. You said it yourself-You don't really want to fuck anyone...that's my point. ...That's what he's done to you."

An embarrassed, awkward silence returned to the room; the sun adding fiery colours to what was already a fiery subject.

"I can't believe I feel for it again" Zell muttered "You'd think being sober would help me fight him, but..."

He stood up angrily and threw his jacket on the bed as he placed one fist on his hip and rubbed the other across his forehead roughly.

"But he played you? "I love you bla bla bla"? You know it isn't true, but it stops you fighting like you should..."

"Mm"

"He went back to you because he knew you could still be had. You're a target, Zell."

"And what's your point, Squall?"

"Get over it! That's my fucking point!" Squall stood up, holding his left side and limping slightly, the fading light casting shadows over his face, making him seem as if he were towering above everything else. He touched Zell's cheek softly with his free hand. "I really don't care if it's me or not..but do it. Now" and he reached over to kiss Zell fully on the mouth, his delicate lips pushing against Zell's own, dry ones.

Zell stood still, not kissing back...but not pulling away.
As Squall finally withdrew and held the boy's face, Zell was breathing deeply , eyes closed, his lips still parted. Squall bent his head so that his mouth was next to Zell's ear and bit his lip for courage.

"Zell...tell me what you want"

"I...I want...you" he whispered back, opening his eyes to look up into Squall's calm face, hoping he wasn't the only one blushing anxiously.

The response was instant, as his mouth was repossessed by Squall's and the two interlocked forms stumbled clumsily to the bed, both of them giggling at how hard it actually was for Squall to walk normally.
Squall took complete control of the situation, pushing Zell down onto the bed first and sitting on top of him, resting a hand on Zell's chest. Zell closed his eyes, still half scared of what was happening. A single soft kiss was planted on his lips, which calmed him all through his body

Squall grasped at Zell's chest, getting turned on just at the sight of him laid on his bed. He slowly slid up the white shirt which was hiding the beautiful, scarred body beneath, kissing every inch of skin as it was revealed.

Zell moaned softly, afraid of how he would sound, reacting to the twinges in his stomach and the chill in his skin.
The shirt was pulled off completely and the duvet was pulled over them both, making the moment as intimate and private as possible.
As Squall undid the zip of the shorts beneath him, continuously kissing and sucking at his chest, Zell couldn't help but let out an almost silent cry,

"...Squall..."

Grinning and shaking his head happily as he glanced up to the boy whispering his name, Squall pulled the boy's shorts down, slowly, gently, stroking the smooth, skinny legs they presented. He threw the shorts on the floor, planting kisses all the way up the muscular thighs, across the boxer shorts and onto his stomach.
Zell was very aroused by now, his underwear tightly containing him, which only added to the excitement.

Squall traced a line all the way down the bulging boxers with his index finger and gripped the elastic waistband with his other hand before pulling them down, eagerly revealing Zell's whole naked body to him. Although his body was perfect in Squall's eyes, he could see plainly just how damaged Zell was, by the faint silver lines of scars past and the firey red marks of healing wounds.

Sliding upwards to kiss Zell again, Squall leaned on his forearms, one at each side of Zell's head, the blonde grasping the back of his neck and the smooth arch in his back. He pulled Squall down enough to feel him rubbing against his own erection.
This spurred Squall into action, as, suddenly, he became less gentle and more passionate, frantically kissing his neck and grasping at the blonde hair tickling his cheeks. His kisses moved downwards, across his chest as he gripped Zell's hips with both hands, squeezing him hard and planting one kiss on his bellybutton before kneeling backwards and smiling nervously.

"...You sure you want to do this...?"

"Ssshh..." Zell warned, as he sat up to kiss Squall once again, holding him tightly against him, their naked skin sticking together with an uneasy, lustful sweat.

Suddenly feeling courageous, Zell swept them both round, switching positions; it was his turn to do the undressing now and he leaned Squall back to unbutton his black jeans. Gazing down into his eyes, glittering in what moonlight crept beneath the covers pulled high over their heads.
His eyes were full of desire, of want, of pleasure and they shimmered and sparkled as if he were going to cry.

He sat over squall's shins, undoing the buckles on his unnecessary belts and pulled them out from under his legs. He pulled down the zip of his fly and slid the jeans down the pale, slim legs, yet again, perfect.
Zell stared at Squall's almost fully exposed body, bewildered by the perfection and beauty hidden from the world.

"You're gorgeous..." he muttered, mainly to himself.

Squall lay, silent, smiling upward, biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stop his sudden urge to dive on the smaller blonde and smother him with his passion.
Zell pulled back the dark blue, satin boxer shorts and seeing his commander completey vulnerable for the first time, he took a deep breath and smiled seductively at him, before crawling up over him, leaning down so that their breath fused in midair and their faces felt as if they were touching. The heat from each other's bodies made them breathe ever faster, which made the heat flow across their faces, making it hard to breathe at all.

Zell moved downwards ever so sightly so that their excited bodies rubbed together, Squall quivering and closing his eyes, lost in desire.
He couldn't hold back any longer; his body needed to take action and he threw Zell under him kissing him deeply, running his body up and down over Zell's, the friction driving him wild.

He turned Zell onto his side gently, sucking at his neck, leaving a string of faint, red love bites across his skin. He held the boy close, lovingly, finding a comfortable position where he could ease himself into Zell's achingly hot body.

He did it slowly, making sure he wasn't hurting the fragile boy in his arms. He moaned a little and started kissing Zell's neck again and he slid all the way in. Zell was gripping one of his arms and grasping a corner of the duvet with his other hand, moaning incoherently, every now and then muttering something along the lines of

"Oh....Squall....Hyne..."

Squall moved Zell in his arms, rocking him to the beat of their merged bodies, sweat pouring from his whole, tense body. He reached down to see how loud he could actually make Zell scream, but he was already at the height of his pleasure and as soon as he felt Squall's warm hand, his name burst from Zell's shuddering lips and he pulled the bedclothes even tighter, digging his short nails into Squall's arm.

With the feel of Zell around him, his muscles contracting in ecstasy, Squall could feel himself burning up and pulled Zell even closer to him, holding him even tighter round his waist.

The two boys ended it together and rocked gently in sync, gasping and shuddering and clawing at each other for stability and reassurance.

Squall pulled himself out of Zell and collapsed backwards onto the bed, red and totally out of breath, holding his hand to his throbbing forehead. Zell turned slowly to look at him, turned back and hugged the duvet tightly.

"Zell...?"

Zell sniffed, shook slightly and again lay in silence.

"Zell, what is it? What's wrong?"

"..I..I feel..dirty...and cruel and..." and he collapsed into the mass of tears he had been back in the infirmary.

Crying out through the tears, his eyes shut, he turned to Squall.

"Hyne Squall, I...feel horrible!"

"Hey hey....hey..." Squall whispered as he held him close hushing him and stroking the back of his head like he was parent to a distraught child. " didn't think I'd be THAT bad" he jested.

"No....I...it was..." Zell looked up into Squall's smiling eyes, the salt tears blurring everything "It was...great, but I..." he rubbed his face roughly and sadly smiled to his lover, frowning "...Your sheets..."

"Oh Hyne, Zell! The sheets?!" Squall laughed uncontrollably, holding Zell tight again "You stupid fuck, that's what they're there for!" He held Zell's face in his hands, still laughing into Zell's agonised face. "Is that what it was?!"

Zell nodded and bit his lip

"...And I...I um...don't exactly know how to say it, but...I, love you, Squall...I....I love you..."

Squall's hands loosed themselves from Zell's face and his face turned pale as he let him go completely.

"No, you don't. Don't do this, please..."

"What-"

"Zell...this is what happened with Rinoa...and I don't...and you don't...you can't! ...it...no..." his face warmed a little and he smiled "Any more lunacy? Or do I have to tickle it out of ya?!" and he pulled a playful, teasing face that Zell had never seen before.

Squall dived onto Zell, tickling his stomach like he was five, forcing Zell into fits of uncontrollable, painful laughter as Squall clambered on top of the writhing boy, pinning him down as he continued the game. Zell was still laughing after Squall had finished, his throat aching as he looked up at the boy sat naked on top of him, glancing at his dark, damp hair falling over his face, his shimmering, muscular arms which were holding his own and his toned chest rising and falling almost in union with his.

"Squall, why don't you leave?"

"Leave?"

"Leave Balamb...and forget Rinoa"

"I can't. I promised her. ...And I don't want to be alone again..." Pain and sadness hung heavy in his voice, cutting through his whole body with every word, remembering all the years he had spent with no-one. "I can't leave her, I said I'd be here, that I'd always be with her...I won't go back on a promise."

"But you can't pretend forever!"

"I know..."

"Are you so afraid of being alone?"

Squall laid, relaxed, in the bed, resting his head back on his arms and losing his eyes.

"It's the only thing I'm scared of."

"You know...you wouldn't BE alone...I won't leave you. Whatever you do, I'll be here with you, I-"

"NO! No, Zell, don't!" Squall yelled as he covered zell's mouth with his hand, dreading the next word, the word which Zell spoke into the palm of his hand, the vibrations of his promise running up his arm and making him dizzy.

Squall sank back into the security of the bed, shivering.

"Look....Squall...Rinoa, she..." Zell sat up, covering his lower half with the duvet, sitting cross legged, looking sternly down at Squall. "She told me not to tell you, but..." he touched a shivering hand gently with his fingertips "She's moving back to Timber next month. She's leaving you. She still loves you, but-"

"Why?" Squall winced and took in a painful breath.

"She thought you had some stuff going on and she said that being apart would make things clearer."

"So I'm..."

"Yeah...you can leave. You're not breaking your promise."

With a releaved, yet sad sigh, Squall pulled Zell under the covers one last time, each of them clinging tightly to the other as they fell asleep together, the moon smiling down through the window at the stange pair, so pained and so happy.