INSIDE THE PERVERTED MIND OF DOUGIE POYNTER CHAPTER 8
I'm all alone on my birthday right now. Danny is sick and Harry and Tom are pissed off with me. I guess I must have offended them. We needed to get the measurements for the field out back because we are putting in a go-kart track back there. I couldn't measure it because I don't know how to read the tape measure. Tom and Harry weren't listening to me, so I use something I know will catch their attention. "You guys! Hey! I need you guys to measure this field. And don't use your dicks! I can't count that high and I don't want to hear 400,000 inches." They look up from drawing stick figures in the dirt. They take my clipboard out of my hands. Harry bends me over and Tom sticks the clipboard up my ass. It didn't hurt that bad until they snapped it.
I dunno what that clipboard hit, but I came in my pants. It also happened to give me the best orgasm ever. They leave me out in the field. Fuckin' a! I don't get cell service out here! Every time I move the clipboard hits something and I orgasm. It feels great, don't get me wrong, but I prefer to walk around without something stuck up my ass. After about 20 orgasms I manage to move far enough, where I can get cell service. The operator laughed when I told him about my situation. I thought that these dick blows were trained not to laugh. He hangs up on me or my cell drops the call, I can't tell what the fuck has happened. My cum high is making it hard to think. I'm gonna have to pull the clipboard out myself. By the time that I get it out I'm out of breath and it looks like it's snowed in my pants. Either that or it looks like my dick has dandruff. That happened to Harry once; too bad I don't know all the details.
I was just sittin' back thinkin' about religion. Then it hits me; every religion has a different fuckin' hat! Everybody's got a motherfuckin' hat! I'm tired of this shit. Everybody is fighting to defend their hat's honor. You know what? I wipe my ass with hats! Hold that though, Danny is calling me.
Jesus Christ! Even more news that just warms the bottom of my nuts. For over a 3 week fuckin' period, Harry was writing a fuckin' gossip column about me! I found out from Danny. I sit down on the sofa and Harry joins me. "How's everything going?" He's fuckin' fishing to see if I've heard about his fuckin' gossip column. "Shut your fuckin' cake hole." I leave before things can escalate. I have a low tolerance level for stupid bullshit. Speaking of stupid bullshit, I've just caught wind of Tom's phone convo. "Hey James! What times does the circle jerk convention tonight start?" I trip over Danny's stupid fuckin' remote controlled car and land on my head. I need to do something before I slit my wrist. Maybe I'll dig a hole with a fuckin' stick in the yard. Or maybe I'll lie back on a cloud and take a fuckin' harp lesson.
I sit on the porch and watch the lint on the street blow by. I hear the lawnmower start up and Danny comes into view. He's fiddling with something on the mower. What the fuck is that? I squint and try to make out what he's got. By God! GPS on the fuckin' lawnmower! Just in case he gets lost on the lawn. Bullshit is everywhere these days. Especially in my front yard. You know what? Bullshit is the glue that holds this country together. Wait! I thought that Danny was fuckin' sick! I think about pushing him off the lawnmower, but then I see him text something to someone. I need to think of something really shitty to do to him. I can't believe that he would stoop so low and fuck me over on my birthday! This is the kind of stuff I expect from my mum or Harry.
He drops his phone, but he doesn't notice it. I run over and snatch it out of the grass before he sees me. I look at the texts that he has been sending. My heart sinks faster than Danny drives. He was planning a surprise party for me. Now I know how Harry feels all the time; a low life piece of shit. I crawl behind the oak tree to hide. Before I have time to really reflect, Danny runs over the neighbor's cat with the lawn mower. He turns the engine off and pulls all the fur out of the blades like it's no big deal. Looks like we will be heading to the pet store for the 2nd time this week
I'm sitting in front of the TV drooling when the doorbell rings. Who the fuck could that be? I open the door to find a huge; I mean a gigantic-ass birthday cake. I'm surprised the fuckin' thing isn't wearing a commercial license plate. Harry helps me wheel it into the dining room. Danny has balloons and party hats. He sticks a hat on my head and they start to sing at me. Harry of course it off key, He couldn't carry a note even if it had a fuckin' handle on it. HA!
Then it hits me- Tom ain't here. I look around for him. I half expect him to be hiding behind the cake eating a huge chunk of cake. He's not there. It's not like I'm worried about him or anything. I just want to know where he is. Before I can give it anymore thought, the cake explodes revealing Tom in a bikini. My gorgeous fuckin' eyes!!!! He's covered in cake and he's smacking his ass. I faint from the shock of the event.
I awake to a cake covered Tom and a Danny with a huge piss stain in the crotch of his pants. Ha! He pissed himself! He's taking my pulse as I sit up. "I guess he would have preferred you in the 2 piece, Danny." For some reason anger rises up in my chest. "You both are sick fucks! I don't want to see either of you in a bikini. I don't like guys. I thought I liked you Danny, but I don't. You remind me of my ex-girlfriend and I still want her. I'm sorry to disappoint you." I dash away from home. Danny and Tom look at each other. "Pay up asswipe." Danny gives Tom his money. I later find out that this was all a set up.
I'm sitting at the bus stop when Danny watches up with me. "Dougie! We were only fucking with you! It was just a joke. Tom and I just wanted to see if you liked guys or not." Those two arrogant shit stains! They have crossed the fuckin' line now! I'm about ready to go over to Danny and rip his scrotum off. He sits next to me. "I knew you wouldn't cornhole anybody. Besides I've seen your credit card statements. All those strip club charges! Christ, It's higher than the American national debt." I can't help myself. I laugh at this.
I decide I'll pay Danny back later. I'm gonna get Tom back now. He's usually the mastermind behind shit like this. He'll be sorry for even thinking about sticking his dick in my ass. I'll slap the queer out of him and then some. How are he question my sex fantasies! You don't see me asking him about where his dick has been or how many times he has worn a strap on. Huh? Do you? Nope. All I know it, he's stuck his dick into my business and it's about to get bent.
I sit and wait for Tom to get home. It's been about an hour. I was so bored that I gave myself a belly button piercing. It looks good. Wait…I have seen this piece of body jewelry before….OH MY GOD!! This used to be Tom's dick ring! I rip it out and I want to set myself on fire to get rid of the germs. I'm about to get the matches out when Danny stops me. "What the fuck are you going?" I turn around. He sees the blood and looks queasy. "You got your fuckin' period?" "NO! I gave myself a belly button piercing. Then I remembered that this was the same thing that Tom pierced his dick with!" I show him it and he laughs in my face. "Tom still has his in. That's the one that I did my dick with." Now I feel like an asshole. "Oh." I can't think of anything else to say. "Can I get you a tampon or a sanitary napkin?" He asks me with a smirk. I punch him in the ribs. I have to admit that his comment was rather funny. I'm laughing about it now. I'm glad that I have forgiven Danny for now. He makes me laugh. Oh! Did you know that laughter is the best medicine for cancer? I saw that on Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. That's a good thing to know because Tom's antics cause caner. His moor mum. I think I'll send her something nice.
I'm looking through a catalog when I remember that Harry's birthday is coming up. Then I remember that those assholes didn't get me any birthday presents. Why I outta-huh? There's a knock at my door. I open it expecting to see one of them, but all I see is a small gift wrapped box. OOH! A present! I snatch it up and close my door. I open the present carefully, because the wrapping paper is goddamn adorable!
I find a cell phone box. A cell phone? Who the fuck would give me this? I look at the tag; it's from Danny. I look closer at the box and fall in love with his gift. It's a cell phone that makes pancakes and scratches your balls. I can't believe that he got me the one that I was going to get myself for Christmas. Great minds think alike. I'm gonna go try this baby out.
-The only guy who can have an orgasm over a cell phone, Dougie Poynter
