A/N: This is a piece of humor, written by myself and one of my good friends. If the characters are anything like canon, it's probably an accident. We don't own anyone, except Siarl, Jrohest, Lisa and Jo. Enjoy, laugh, and review--else I'll sick the slugs after you!


Aragorn Gets Brainwashed
Chapter 8.4521: Stupidity Abounds, And The Trials Of The Characters Are Basically Pointless


"Um." Sauron looked at Aragorn oddly. "Give me your sword, you're going to hurt yourself with it."

"I will NOT," Aragorn proclaimed.

"Denis, don't argue," Sauron instructed. "Give me the sword."

"No. I need it to cut stuff."

"Like what?"

"Rope. Felt. Cake."

"Let the servants do that," Sauron advised, beginning to get sick of his new son.

"I like cutting cake!"

"Use a fork," he said sternly. "Give me the sword."

"You can't cut cake with a fork!" Aragorn cried, shocked.

"JUST GIVE ME THE SWORD."

Aragorn threw his precious cat Beanie Baby at Sauron. "THINK FAST!" he shouted at Siarl before he fled out the door. Siarl jumped after him.

"GET THEM," ordered Sauron.

"Blast, I can't believe I threw away that Beanie Baby," Aragorn lamented as they ran. "I could have got hundreds for that."

"Wait," Sauron thought, watching them go down the hallway. He realized his previous order was stupid. "That's stupid." Voice-commanding, he shouted, "STOP AND COME BACK HERE."

Siarl skidded to a stop, unable to resist the command.

Aragorn whirled around. "SIARL!"

"OH BLAST IT," Siarl cried in despair, feeling himself begin to walk back to Sauron. "Quick! Take the portal, get home, and then send someone after me."

"What?" cried Aragorn. "But Sauron might do anything to—OW!" At that moment a rubber chicken hit him in the face.

"Where's that come from?" Siarl asked, looking around.

"I don't know," muttered Aragorn, watching the chicken suspiciously. "I don't know if I want to know. Were there some of these in the vault?"

Siarl took another step toward Sauron. "I don't know. TAKE THE PORTAL!"

Aragorn grabbed the portal and dialed the code from home.

"Low battery, you dweeb," announced the portal. "Chocolate!"

Aragorn obediently fed the portal some of his left over chocolate.

"Battery," the portal reminded him. Aragorn ran for the vault, hoping the slugs were gone and there were some batteries. "Baaaatttterrryy dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyinnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggg," the portal wailed.

Aragorn rushed into the vault and stumbled over a large stack of Double C (2C) batteries. Quickly he stuffed some into the portal, running from the hungry slugs that instantly were after him. "Wow, there are strange things in this vault," he muttered, redialing the code.

Poof. He was in Lisa's livingroom again.

"OHMYGOSHWHATTHEHECKTOOKSOLONG?" Lisa screamed at him. She was seated on the couch eating chips and watching Pride&Prejudice.

"We got captured and I lost my memory and stuff," Aragorn explained.

"Whatever," Lisa said, turning off the TV. "Faramir's in the hospital. We gave up on waiting three hours ago."

"Oh. Well." Aragorn paused a moment to consider this. "…Do you mean there was NO POINT TO THIS AT ALL?"

"Well, basically," Lisa said impassively. "Where's Siarl?"

"Sauron's got him. He told me to send somebody over. YOU MEAN I LOST MY MEMORY AND SIARL GOT CAPTURED BY SAURON FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!"

"Well, if you guys had hurried up there would have been a reason," Lisa retorted.

"We couldn't hurry up! We got captured! If you could've taken Faramir to the hospital, why did you send us in the first place?" Aragorn was feeling unjustly abused.

"Because the hospital asked a lot of questions about why he looked like he'd been whipped and why he was wearing Gondorian stuff." Aragorn rolled his eyes. "We had to say he was Tim from a reenactment," Lisa explained.

"Oh, and that was SO much more difficult and traumatizing than BEING BRAINWASHED INTO THINKING YOU'RE SAURON'S SON!"

"…What the heck? What've you been reading? Obviously too many soap operas. But, you know, I saw a movie like that once…"

"It's true!" Aragorn protested.

"Sauron's a big eye. He can't brainwash you," Lisa informed Aragorn. "What happened to Siarl again?"

"He's not a big eye. We were in Armenelos in the Second Age!" Aragorn added carelessly, "Anyway, Sauron's got Siarl. And my Beanie Baby."

Lisa stared at him. "Wait—huh? WHY DID YOU LEAVE SIARL WHEN YOU HAD THE PORTAL?"

"Because Sauron was pulling him back with voice command."

"YOU COULD HAVE JUST PORTALED BOTH OF YOU, YOU FREAK." She threw her hands in the air despairingly. "GREAT. My second-main character is somewhere in Numenor with Sauron."

"Sorry. He's probably happier there than he is in your story, though," Aragorn pointed out, which is actually true.

"HEY," Lisa shouted (both at Aragorn and the narrator of this tale). "I take that as an insult."

Aragorn shrugged. "It's true."

"So who's going back for him?"

"Why don't you?" Aragorn suggested harmlessly.

"Because I'm not the one who left him, mister."

"He TOLD me to leave him," Aragorn protested, again.

"AND YOU BELIEVED HIM?" Lisa proceeded to hit herself and wonder what the world was coming to.

"Wait, what?"

"Don't you know that he has the stupidest ideas on the planet?"

"Well, yeah, maybe…" Aragorn admitted slowly, "…just what do you think he's trying to do?"

Lisa plopped herself back on the couch. "I think he probably thought he was doing something vastly heroic while in fact he was doing something incredibly dumb. It happens often enough."

"Oh. Goody," muttered Aragorn.

"So do you want to take someone with you when you go back for him or just go on your own," Lisa said, not really asking a question.

"I'm not going back there all alone!" Aragorn cried.

"Fine. Who are you taking?"

"I don't know! I'm exhausted!"

"Well hurry up and go get him." Lisa picked up her chips again.

"Him? Who's him?"

"SIARL," Lisa snapped.

"Oh. Get somebody to help me! I can't fight Sauron all on my lonesome!" To himself, he moaned, "Eurgh, did I really just say that? I sound like a cowboy."

"Fine. Uhhh…" Lisa looked around. "I think Jrohest's around here."

Jrohest, an extraordinarily wonderful character from one of Lisa's books who had blue dreamy eyes and was very sensible (normally), appeared at hearing his name. "What?" he asked, glancing uncertainly at Aragorn.

"Go with Aragorn and save Siarl. And don't get hurt," Lisa instructed.

"Uh, okay," Jrohest said, slightly confused.

"…Um. Yeah," Aragorn added helpfully.

"Get a move on it, Aragorn!" Lisa snapped.

Aragorn obediently dialed.

"CHOCOLATE!" screamed the portal.

Jrohest jumped visibly. "That thing just talked!"

"Yeah, it's kind of obnoxious." Aragorn gave it chocolate.