I am terribly sorry for delays in these updates, I have so much going on and it's harder to update lately, I hope you are still enjoying this though, please review if you read! :) Lay xo
I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this. Rachel had been pacing the floor of the living room for the past ten minutes. Her father made her something to eat which she graciously enjoyed; eating for two made her an awful lot hungrier.
I can't do this; I can't do this the words echoed in her head, circling around and around almost begging her to run. I can't do this. The door rapped. I have to do this.
She sucked in the biggest breath she could and took one step, followed by another slowly inching her way to the door. Before she opened she looked through the peep hole. There he was, he looked miserable, broken inside like someone had just kicked his puppy and then stolen it. How could she have done this to him? This was Noah Puckerman, well it was now a shell of the Puck she once knew, he was always bursting with confidence, a grin plastered on his face most of the time, and this was like his ghost.
He put her hand on the knob to open the door, breathed in and pulled it open without another thought, that other thought would most definitely have told her to get out of there. As fast as possible.
The look that was on his face now was a look of sheer disbelief. She felt like shouting surprise or something, but she thought that might have gotten her a slap to the face or something like that. So she decided on saying nothing for now. Just staring the heartbroken boy, whose apparent heartbreak was caused by no one else but herself.
He was the first to speak, whispering her name. She let it blow away with the wind still not knowing what to say. The urge to just shout surprise and pretend it was all a joke climbing, how simple things would be if the scenarios in her head came to life, if it was just a practical joke and he found it funny just like she did and he scooped her up into his arms and they lived happily ever after with their child that would just magically appear and wouldn't cause any pain whatsoever.
But real life didn't happen like that, this wasn't a joke this hurt so many people. Changed lives and she couldn't just be happy in a single second.
"Rachel?" it was more of a question this time, a question of disbelief she could hear it in his voice, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He probably thought he was drunk or high and he was seeing things. Heck he could have been one of those two things or both judging by the state he was in. She couldn't blame anyone else for this, it was her fault he was a mess.
"I'm sorry" she finally spoke, she felt like that was sort of right to say. Because she was sorry she had never been sorrier in her life that she was at this moment. She felt like the world's most selfish person, she felt like someone should arrest her and lock her up for being so stupid, she felt like she needed to be punished.
What he said next was punishment enough "Why?" it wasn't just the question; it was the hurt in his eyes, mixed with anger. How could anyone look at this and live? She felt like she wanted to crawl under some rock and come out when everything was okay, but that couldn't happen until she fixed this mess.
She needed to be braved, standing there gawking wasn't helping anyone. This situation wouldn't go away without some sort of an attempt and an explanation and only she could give that. She thought long and hard about what she should say and all she came up with was 'because I am a stupid selfish child' but she thought it best not to say that, because she doubted it would do her any favours.
"I don't know, I was scared and lost and I didn't have a clue what else to do. I took the easy option and ran. I know it was selfish and it hurt so many people, but I just couldn't deal with this, I couldn't involve anyone else because I blamed myself and I thought everyone else would blame me too, I wanted to fix it myself, and I couldn't and I'm sorry" she surprised herself with how much she said before she broke down, tears filled her eyes and spilled out over her face, she felt as though her breath was about to stop and he lungs were going to explode or implode, which ever was possible.
When he wrapped his arms around her all she could feel was warmth and happiness. She sunk her head into his chest and cried until there were no tears left. When she finally stopped and looked at him they were in the living room sitting on the sofa and he had tears on his cheeks too.
"It was selfish; I'm not going to lie. But it feels so good to see you that I can't even be angry at you, I want to hate you so badly but I can't let myself"
A few stray tears fell down her cheeks when she heard those words, how was it possible to not be angry at a girl who destroyed your life for a few months, who left with no explanation and came back with a baby growing inside of her? And it wasn't possible he just missed that because a blind person couldn't miss the baby bump.
"How far are you?"
"17 weeks"
"Is it mine?"
"Yes"
"Did you ever consider getting rid of it?"
"No"
"Are you keeping it?"
"I don't know"
"Have you seen a doctor?"
"No"
"Why?"
"I didn't have the money and I was too scared"
"Do you want me to make you an appointment? I can come with you"
"Yes"
It was like 20 questions, but less awkward. It was the right questions to ask and she could do nothing only answer him honestly.
"Are you coming back to school?"
She felt like trying another simple one or two worded answer, but she couldn't. She felt like a robot and she wanted to tell him as much as possible to he could hate her as little as possible.
"I don't know what to do, I've messed up my entire life, I've missed a lot or work and it will get harder as the pregnancy goes a long, people will stare I'll get tired more often, but I want an education, I need to get a job to help provide the baby if I do keep it and even if I don't I still need to earn a living to support myself, I don't want to end up stuck in Lima work at a burger joint for the rest of my life. But I'm scared, what if people hate me even more than they did before? I know for a fact the bullying will get worse now that this has happened and because you're the stud of the school, all those other girls will think it's their job to protect you or something"
"I'll protect you, I love you Rachel no matter what you done I still love you. I fell in love with you that day at the lake, maybe even before that I don't know all I know is that day I loved you and every day since then. I've never truly loved anyone before, your different than any other girl, I don't just want you for sex and making out, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. To share things and have a family with. I don't even care how much of a pussy I sound saying this, because it's the truth, you're the only person I can ever imagine being with" his face was showing all sorts of expressions, he didn't know whether to smile at her or look at her lovingly, or whether he just look like he was in pain telling her this, it changed from one to the other. All Rachel was looking at though was his eyes, staring straight at them, like they were gold.
"I think I love you too" she said honestly. "I don't think I've ever been in love, this feelings it's something so much stronger than a physical attraction, it's like my body just want to be near you all the time, when I was away every single day I just wanted to be by your side, smiling and laughing with you, because it makes me feel so good that I never want it to go away. I was scare of that feeling but, it made the decisions so much harder and I had to get out of here to get my head around everything, I was planning to come back sooner, at least I think I was. All I wanted was time for myself, it just got out of my control and I couldn't come back because I knew that people would be angry or upset and I didn't want to face up to it. But I'm a big girl and I got myself into this so I need to grow up and get on with things without worrying about other people, I need to do what is right for me and for this baby, and I need to do what's right for you and for us."
"I want you to do what you want to do, I'll never pressure you into anything and I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me for anything. All I want in return is that you tell me things, if you decide something I want to know, I don't even have to help you decide I just want you to tell me whatever it is, if you decide not to keep the baby I don't want you to shut me out, I don't think I could cope with that, it would mean you were just like Quinn and you're not her at all, please just don't go anywhere again" he was being so honest it made her heart break a little bit, Quinn broke something inside of him, something that he can never fix.
"I would never do that, I promise I'll even give it to you in writing, unless you want me out of your life I'll always be here"
"Good" he smiled, a small weak smile, he still seemed nervous he didn't know what to do, all he wanted to do was grin and hold her in his arms and kiss her and never let her go, but he didn't know what she wanted an the last thing he wanted to do was freak her out
"I want to go back to school Noah, I want to be with my friends again" she sighed "I don't want to wait until this baby is born and then have to do the year over again, while struggling to care for a child, do you think I'll get picked on? Do you think I would be able to cope, what do you think the lee club will say? Will they let me back in? Will they still be my friend? I know Santana said that she would be there for me and stuff, but what if no one else talks to me and she just goes off with everyone because he reputation means a lot to her, maybe even more than our friendship, what if people are rude to me because I'm having your baby, I know that people hated Quinn, well other girls did, what if I get beat up for what I did to you, the girls a McKinley worship you, they already hate me because you dated me, you chose someone like me over one of them" it was like it all come out in one breath, she couldn't stop herself from talking, every single thing she was worried about coming out at one time
"Wow Rach, slow down. You have nothing to worry about, if anyone so much as looks at you the wrong way I'll deal with them, let them be jealous because they'll never have me, they can want all they like but I'm yours Rach. Santana's a cool chick, if she says she'll be there she will be. There's one thing about that girl she doesn't go back on her word. And as for glee they'll be glad to have you back I'm sure, before I quit they were all fighting it out for who has the best 'Rachel Berry' voice, and no one made the cut, all those solo's that you used to get will be yours in a heartbeat"
"Will you come back with me?"
"Try and stop me"
