Episode 8: Ashfur, Firestar, Bone
"It's that time again! Time for yet another round of Win a Date with Nightcloud!" Leafpool announced. "What will happen on this fabulous installment of the ever-so-popular game show? Who knows! Now let's hear it for the host- the brilliant Nightcloud!"
"Thank you for that introduction," the black she-cat meowed as she padded onto the stage. "And who are the contestants today?"
The announcer studied her pink notecard for a heartbeat. "Uh-oh."
"What?"
Leafpool glanced down at the camera-cat nervously. "Today's contestants are Firestar, Bone, and…Ashfur."
Tansy leaped to her paws. "WHAT?" she howled. "Which one of you picked him to be on the show?"
A ragged-looking tom sitting on the show began laughing hysterically. "It was me! I chose your boyfriend to compete!"
"Brokenstar!" Tansy cried. "I'll get you for this!"
Nightcloud settled down on her plush red chair. "Maybe we should have Tansy review our choices of contestants before they appear on the show."
"Ya think?!" the director growled.
The tabby-and-white announcer stifled her own laugh. "Anyway, today the toms are playing for yet another wonderful prize- taking Nightcloud the Dark Forest Museum of Evil History, brought to you by Place of No Stars Inc."
The three toms padded onto the stage. Firestar took the green chair closest to Nightcloud, while Bone, who was wearing an 'I Hate Clan Cats' t-shirt, took the middle chair.
Ashfur glanced down at Tansy. "Sorry, Sweetheart. I was told if I refused to be on the show that I would die a very painful, very random death."
"You better lose, Buddy," the director huffed.
Nightcloud giggled at her camera-cat's unhappiness. "Let's start the game now. The first question is: If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?"
Firestar thought for a moment. "Have more kits. Sandstorm and I always wanted a son. Our daughters didn't turn out so well."
"Dad!" Leafpool cried from beside her whiteboard.
"Sorry, Honey, but taking a mate from WindClan, never telling him you were pregnant, dumping the kits on your sister, making my poor deputy think he was a father, causing Hollyleaf to go insane, and just being completely selfish and irresponsible is unforgivable," the ThunderClan leader meowed.
The scorekeeper glared at her father. "See? This is why Crowfeather and I are back together again! He's the only one who still loves me!"
Nightcloud rolled her eyes. "Keep your personal problems off my stage, Leafpool. Tansy doesn't like it when we talk about our problems."
Bone answered next. "I'd kill Firestar for killing Scourge! Then I'd kill all those apprentices that killed me!"
"Hey!" the ginger tom cried. "I don't want you to kill me! Killing is never the answer, unless we're talking about punishments for Tigerstar!"
Ashfur was the last to respond to the question. "I would take my lovely girlfriend to either Olive Garden or Taco Bell, since those are her favorite places to eat, and then I'd watch princess movies with her daughters."
"You can do that, Ashfur!" Tansy gushed.
"Quiet, Girly," Nightcloud meowed. "I'm trying to run a game show here. I think the winner of this round is pretty obvious, though. Ashfur gave the best response! What a lovely tom…"
Leafpool drew a tally mark next to Ashfur's name. "One point for Ashfur, no points for Bone or my jerk of a father!"
"Leafy, you apologize right now!" Firestar ordered.
"No!" she spat back at him.
The host read the next notecard. "Question two: Do you like hashtags?"
"#ohyes #imsuchahipleader" Firestar meowed.
Bone glared at the ginger tom. "What a fool! Hashtags are only for she-cat apprentices! No one with any brain cells would use hashtags!"
"I like hashtags," Ashfur said. "I think they're fun."
"That's a point for Firestar and a point for Ashfur!" Nightcloud announced. "#arenthashtagsterrific"
Tansy heaved a heavy sigh. "Please don't tell me we're doing that again…"
The scorekeeper updated her whiteboard. "So far Ashfur has two points, Firestar has one point, and Bone has zero points."
"We're half way through!" Nightcloud mewed, studying her pink notecards. "Question three: What's your favorite game?"
"Killing Kittypets for the Nintendo DS," Bone answered immediately. "I do so like murder."
Firestar gave the large tom a stern look. "Now Bone, we must good and moral cats."
"I'd rather not be good or moral," the villain hissed.
The ThunderClan cat shrugged. "Well, my favorite game is Pretty Pretty Princess. I guess that's what happens when you only have daughters. Should have had a son…"
"My favorite game is Jeopardy for Wii!" Ashfur announced.
Tansy clapped her paws. "Ashykins, that's my favorite game! You're the best boyfriend ever!"
Nightcloud thought about the answers she received. "I do like Jeopardy. Since I'm insanely smart, I always win. Give Ashfur a point!"
"Ashfur now has three points, Firestar has one, and Bone still has zero," Leafpool meowed, doodling a butterfly on the whiteboard with her pink marker.
Tansy folded her paws across her chest. "Ashy, I told you to lose!" she growled.
"Darling, I can't help it if Nightcloud likes my answers," he mewed helplessly.
"You could try to be a worse boyfriend- at least for the show," the camera-cat said.
The host interrupted the quarreling couple. "Let's get this last question out of the way! Question four: If the world was ending, what would be the first thing you do?"
"Commit tons of murders!" Bone cried. "And get away with it!"
"Bone, start being a moral cat!" Firestar scolded. "I would tell Sandstorm I loved her and that once we're in StarClan I'll try not to make her jealous with that huge crush I have on Leopardstar."
Ashfur gave the ginger leader a strange look. "What is your deal with Leopardstar? You barely knew her! Anyway, if the world was ending, the first thing I would do is tell Squirrelflight I still hate her! I only ever loved Tansy!"
Nightcloud looked as if she weren't sure whose answer she liked the best. "Well…I think I'd have to give another point to Ashfur. At least his answer didn't scare or shock me."
"That means Ashfur has four points, Firestar has one point, and Bone belongs in prison!" Leafpool announced, still working on her butterfly.
"Oh no, I won!" the gray tom cried, looking horrified.
Tansy set her camera down. "You little weasel! How dare you win Nightcloud's game show!"
Ashfur's blue eyes were wide with fright. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to!"
"Brokenstar, get out here and beat up my boyfriend!" the director howled.
The brown tabby tom padded up to Ashfur and whacked him with a sack of flour, knocking him unconscious.
Tansy climbed up on stage. "Oh goody! We can do another segment of 'Doing Stuff to Toms While Their Unconscious'!"
Brokenstar hurriedly grabbed the she-cat's camera and looked into the lens. "I'm going to end the show now, folks. Whatever happens next won't be pretty!"
