AN: DISCLAIMER – this chapter contains quotes from the series, I DO NOT OWN ANTTHING, ALL RIGHTS TO BBC.


Gaius could not help it as he broke down in front of Arthur and Gwen. Neither of them could possibly know how much Merlin had sacrificed for Arthur, for all of them really.

The old man was no fool, and he knew his ward well. At first he had not told Arthur because the young prince would have killed him, but that had ceased to be the real reason astonishingly quickly, even though it never really stopped being a concern. No, Merlin had been adamant in his silence because he knew how much Arthur had cared for his father, and the boy had not wanted to make Arthur choose between his friend and his father.

These days though, Uther was already gone, and Arthur was moving farther and farther away from his influence.

Gaius was certain, Merlin continued to keep his silence because he was afraid of what might happen to the people he cared for if he told them his secret. Everyone Merlin had ever told had died, barring himself and Merlin's mother.

'And even she and I have suffered for his secret, though I would never have blamed him for that. But I still shudder to think what might have happened to him had either of us died then. He would never have forgiven himself. He will probably never forgive himself as it is.'

Gaius wept openly for his boy who had been forced by biter experience after bitter experience to become a man.

'I'm not a monster am I?...Don't ever think that…then why am I like this? Please, tell me, I need to know…'

'…Do you know how it feels to be a monster? To be afraid of who you are?'

It had been many years since Merlin had said those things, and much had changed. But Gaius did not believe that Merlin had finally managed to dismiss his self-doubt. The only one who ever doubted the young warlock's power was himself, after all. No, he still felt that way. He just knew that it was better to keep his thoughts to himself. Had he ever mentioned it, everyone would have shouted him down, pleaded with him not to believe. But believe he did.

'And the only thing he ever wanted from anyone was acceptance, from Arthur more than anyone else. And he didn't get it, Arthur too blinded by his father's influence and his own pain to see what was happening right in front of him.'

And where was Merlin now? Gaius would have expected him to come barreling back into the room, ranting that Arthur knew, that he had to go. But he had disappeared. Merlin would not have disappeared without reason.

It had to be about more than his own safety, because the lad never cared about that. Often to Gaius' great dismay, in fact.

'So the only thing this could mean is that he couldn't come back, because something stopped him.'

The implications of that were why Gaius could not stop himself from crying. He had heard, once, a long time ago, about connections of magic that could form between people, and what usually happened when those connections broke. Suffice to say that it never ended well. And if it was true, and they couldn't find Merlin soon, they might not find him alive. His heart would never allow him to turn into something like Morgana. That left death as the only possible outcome.
If that old story wasn't true though, and Gaius had never hoped so fervently for something to be a complete fabrication, there was still the possibility that Merlin would start to deny his magic, and die for his troubles.

'The one person he wanted acceptance from more than anyone rejected him because of his magic. I hope he does not decide to reject it too,'

Gaius continued to cry, hoping beyond hope that Merlin was okay.

'Even if it was true, why would no one be able to find him?'

That bit didn't make any sense. If he was suffering, he would not have gotten very far, and everyone in Camelot at least knew the king's manservant by sight. Had he been found, he would have been brought to Gaius.

'Unless they weren't from Camelot. Unless he didn't just disappear, but was taken. Unless that assassin had not been working alone, and his accomplices had learned what had happened, and took Merlin while he was vulnerable.'

Gaius' insides turned suddenly to ice. Merlin's power made him more valuable alive, at least at first. And his grief would make him easy to hold. There were many things that could be done to him. Terrible rituals of the darkest kind of blood magic. Magical restraint, even torture. There would be those who would be furious with him for how he protected the Pendragon line.

'Please no, if all the gods in the world can grant him no other mercy in his life, don't let anyone do that to him.'

Gaius clutched to the table, gasping for breath, trying to pull himself together. 'I guess now it is our turn to save Merlin. I just hope we are not too late.'


Arthur could do nothing but gape at the old physician as he broke down completely and started sobbing into his table. 'I have never seen Gaius like this before in my life. I'm not sure anyone has.'

Guinevere tried in vain to get Gaius to calm down for a good half-hour. But he was completely deaf to the world. The longer Gaius cried, the more Arthur felt his gut clench with dread.

'This is not just about Merlin disappearing. I think that, at least, Gaius would understand.'

Arthur didn't know what had upset the man so much, but he feared more and more what it meant for Merlin with each passing second.

After what seemed an age, Gaius appeared to be attempting to pull himself together. When he finally managed to control himself and sit up once again, Gwen pushed a steaming cup of freshly made tea into his hands before enveloping the distraught old man into a hug.

"Gaius, I promise. We just want to talk to him. We're not going to hurt him."

"He may already be hurt." Gaius' tone was thick with tears and desperation, but he was managing to hold most of it back behind his cool physician's façade, albeit with difficulty.

Arthur's heart dropped at his words. Gwen looked to him, fear in her eyes as she rubbed soothing circles into Gaius' back.

"What do you mean?"

"Merlin would not have just disappeared, no matter what had happened," said Gaius, an edge creeping into his voice again as he addressed Arthur. "He would have come back here, grabbed his things, then left. That this did not happen means that, for whatever reason, he couldn't come back."

Gaius drank the scalding tea in his hands, attempting to collect himself. When next he spoke, he sounded rather like he had a sudden cold. "All Merlin ever wanted was to be accepted, and he didn't get that." Gaius glared again at Arthur, who just watched him, horrified. "He…he wouldn't have taken that well."

Arthur could remember how Merlin had cried, how he had pleaded with him. How limp Merlin had been when he had thrown him out the door.

"Merlin…is more sensitive to the ancient magic of the world. That rejection could've…affected…him, made him extremely ill."

Arthur felt like Gaius was not telling them the whole story. He made it sound almost like if Merlin had been affected, he could've been more than just "ill". 'Could it have killed him?'

Arthur broke out into a cold sweat under Gaius' glare. 'No, nonononono…'

Gwen was biting her lip, trying to keep herself from crying, but the tears were still forming in her eyes.

"But I'm not even sure such a thing is possible. Although, Merlin has always been the exception to the rules."

"What I fear more is that he has not disappeared from his own efforts, but was taken. If that assassin was not working alone, his accomplices could have learned what had happened, and taken Merlin. Especially if they suspected his magic."

Gwen was breathing heavily, clutching the table herself now for support.

"…What would they want with him?" Arthur hated himself for having to ask, but he needed to know.

'This is my fault, if I hadn't…if I had just listened, maybe none of this would be happening.'

"Other magic users would likely feel that he had betrayed his own kind in protecting the Pendragon household."

"They…they wouldn't," stammered Gwen looking very green.

"No, they wouldn't. Merlin is powerful enough that he would be more useful to them alive…And, grieving and broken, he wouldn't likely be hart to hold onto."

Arthur was halfway to the door before Gaius' voice reached him again. "Where are you going?"

"To find him," 'Before they can do anything terrible to him.'

Gaius did not stop him.

Arthur hurried down the castle corridor. 'Gwaine, I need to find Gwaine. He'd tare the whole kingdom apart to find Merlin. And I will too.' The fact that Merlin had kept his secret for so long was not the issue anymore. This was about making sure no one hurt him for it. 'At least not any more than I already have.'


Gaius continued to stare at the door long after Arthur had disappeared from the room.

Gwen could not fathom what the old man was thinking from his expression. He had been so angry with Arthur upon learning that he had rejected Merlin for his magic. That suggested he had known all along. It also suggested that there was a lot they still did not know about.

'Not that Merlin really would have been able to hide from him. Gaius is too shrewd for that. And Merlin would have needed at least one confidant just to stay sane.'

"Gaius," asked Gwen quietly, gaining the man's attention as he slumped over the table with his cup of tea. "What did you mean when you said that Merlin was always the exception to the rules?"

Gaius scrutinized her for several long moments. Gwen shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, but did not break eye contact with him. "Merlin…is not like other magic users you have met."

"I know,"

Gwen was thinking of his many goofy smiles, of how willing he was to help everyone no matter the cost to himself.

Gaius however, shook his head. "It is not just that he uses his magic to defend and protect where others use it to reap destruction and murder."

"He's a warlock, not a sorcerer."

Gwen fiddled with a lose splinter at the edge of the table. "I don't know what that means."

"It means he was born with magic."

Gwen looked up at Gaius. "People can be born with magic?"

"Yes," sighed the old man, "It happens, but it's rare. It was rare even before Uther's purge of magic. And during the purge, any child born with magical talent was an easy target for Uther and his men."

Gwen felt sick to her stomach. She couldn't quite believe that someone could be so ruthless. But then, she had seen how blind magic had made Uther. He threw all logic and reason out the window the second the word "magic" was even hinted at.

"So people can be born with magical talent, and Merlin was?"

Gaius nodded absently.

"But Merlin is an unusual case, even for a warlock."

"How is that?"

"Usually magic lays dormant inside a warlock or witch, coming out latter in life. They grow into their abilities with time as they grow stronger, but they can not usually do magic without studying it except during times of great distress, when they are particularly angry or scared."

"And Merlin?"

"He was able to use magic almost from the moment of his birth. It was instinctive for him, often happening even without him meaning too in everyday situations."

"If you had asked me whether that were possible before I had met him, I would have told you it wasn't, laughed at the mere idea of it. But then a bumbling fool named Merlin came charging into my chambers, and saved my life with magic without so much as a single word, and barely even a thought."

"How – "

"I was on the balcony looking for a book when the railing broke and I fell. Before I had even hit the ground, Merlin had moved my bed under me to break the fall."

"…So you knew right from the start."

"I knew about Merlin long before he ever came to Camelot. Not that I ever understood until he came here. Hunith is my sister, and I was the only one she knew who had studied magic. So when Merlin was born and showed signs of it, I received a frantic letter from her, asking what she could possibly do to protect him."

"Why did he ever come to Camelot? Wouldn't he have been safer in Ealdor? Cenrid had never outlawed magic,"

"You've been to Ealdor Gwen. It was such a small village. That Merlin was different was never a secret there. In Ealdor, Merlin had no outlet for his abilities, no way to learn control other than what he could figure out for himself. And as he grew, so did his powers. If he had stayed, his magic would have been found out. He wouldn't have been able to control it. And Ealdor was not so far away from Camelot and it's hatred of magic. Yes, it was dangerous for him to come to Camelot, but it was more dangerous for him to stay where he was."

Gwen was silent for a long time. She had never thought about it before, but when they had all gone to Ealdor with Merlin, he had not really interacted with anyone outside of their little group, which at the time had included Hunith, his mother, and Will, his friend.

She could see the other villagers not wanting their children to spend too much time with a strange little boy who always seemed to be around when odd things happened.

'He would have been noticed, people would have questioned. It would have been much easier, by comparison, to be in a large city where everyone just assumed it was a strange quirk of his character. That is, after all, what I had thought it was at the time.'

"Do you really think someone would have kidnapped him?" asked Gwen quietly.

Gaius ran his fingers along the rim of his teacup looking drawn. "…I don't think it would be the first time," he said. "Not that I've ever been able to get him to tell me the whole story,"

"This is just the first time Merlin might not want to save himself, even if he is able to."

Gwen wrapped Gaius in a hug as he sat mutely at the table, eyes unfocussed.

'I hope he's okay, I hope that wherever he is, he's in safe hands.'