RED BALLOONS
CHAPTER EIGHT
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So we did end up bowling a few times. Nancy and Starsky even set me up to meet a new woman. She had to be a friend of Nancy's but when I called Starsky on it, he didn't own up to the fact that he was still trying to keep me occupied.
But I admit that I sat there thinking of Gillian and missing her. I swear I could hear her laughter at something Starsky just said. I even felt her hand on my face. Those balloons she talked about had all burst, just like she knew they would. But because of Starsky, I knew just how that memory could be fixed. I didn't really have my mind on the game that night and when I 'accidentally' found the woman in need of bowling lessons, I just let myself have fun. Good old Starsky knows that sometimes you just need something light and fluffy instead of heavy and sad. But an idea began to form in my mind and it was a way to let my memories have their place and would provide me with the opportunity to pay tribute to Gillian's memory.
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EPILOGUE:
A week went by and I managed to avoid bowling again. Now, we were chained to our desks completing a demanding pile of backlogged reports. Captain Dobey made it very clear that he wouldn't tolerate anymore excuses. So I convinced my partner that we'd better do as we were told this time. Not even Starsky's innocent act could work all the time.
Just before our shift ended, I told Starsky I had something to do. We had spent most of the day doing paper work so we talked mostly about the cases and never did make plans for the weekend. But now it was the end of a tiring day with the prospect of two days off in a row. I got up but didn't offer an explanation about my plans. I reached the exit and as I turned to wave goodbye to everyone, I saw in Starsky's face something that told me he somehow knew what I was thinking. I hadn't mentioned Gillian in a week but I could tell that now he knew I had her on my mind. That's okay... I could still think about her and know that our love was real and also that Starsky cared enough to let me have space when I needed it.
I got to my car, drove to the store and made my way back out to my car. It was a little strange driving with such things taking up space in my back seat but I loved the thought of how they would help me say goodbye to the woman I still missed.
I drove to my favorite part of the beach and got out with my featherweight memory makers.
I walked along the shore line for awhile. I didn't try to stop whatever memory or thought came to me. I enjoyed the breeze and smell of the ocean. I knew that Gillian was never far from me but now those memories didn't hurt. I just felt proud to have known her and to have been loved by her.
I finally turned back around and was surprised at the distance I'd come. I had not been paying attention to where my feet took me, only aware of where my mind sent me.
I stopped and turned toward the water. The waves gently reached the shore. The seagulls overhead called out their greetings. Some even dipped into the water to catch an early afternoon snack. Further up, back the way I had come, I saw two kites flying out over the sand. I looked up at my offering and decided that those kites didn't have the same kind of meaning for me as what I held in my hands. They were tethered and stationary but what I was about to do would be airborne and free, just like Gillian.
"Gillian I loved you with all my heart. I hope you knew that. I hope you could see it in my smile, feel it in my touch. I'm sorry I couldn't help you, but believe it or not you've helped me more than you could have imagined. But you were wrong about those balloons. They did break but I found away to patch them and make them whole and float again. I patched them with Starsky's help and filled them with my love for you. I'm sending all that back to you. I hope you'll be able to see them. I love you."
Gillian's legacy was that I could indeed love and be loved. It is not possible to go through life in a bubble surrounding those we love. Part of life is learning to deal with each balloon that breaks and listening to the message as the air fizzles out. But you can be lucky enough to have people in your life who are there to see those balloons start to deflate and try their best to keep them air borne.
I held in my hands 6 balloons. Four of them were red. The other two were yellow and purple. At one time she told of a dream she'd had that compared our love to a room full of balloons. She was sure that our bubble of happiness wouldn't last but I knew better. I had promised her that nothing would happen to those balloons. This was my way of making that promise come true.
I released them and watched as the air took them higher and away from me. But one of those balloons seemed to stop and turn back toward me. It bobbed around my face before it made it's own path out over the water. Eventually the breeze caught it and it grew smaller and smaller until I wasn't sure I could see any of them anymore. I stood there, unaware of the passing of time. Suddenly I knew I wasn't alone. There were other people on the beach. Lovers walking, holding hands. Children chasing the waves and squealing as the waves lapped at their feet. But none of them caught my attention like the person I saw as I turned around.
Starsky stood off by himself. He stared out toward the water and as I saw him there, wondered how long he'd been there. But I already knew the answer. Starsky would always be there. Never far behind, but usually close enough to offer whatever he thought I needed. Space enough not to crowd but that space was never empty. Just like the balloons, he was filled with answers, hope and trust. All I needed to do was... receive.
He let me have my memories of Gillian. He would always be there to hear my dreams of her.
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Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon
Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon
We could float among the stars together, you and I
For we can fly we can fly Up, up and away
My beautiful, my beautiful balloon The world's a
nicer place in my beautiful balloon It wears a
nicer face in my beautiful balloon We can sing a
song and sail along the silver sky For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
Suspended under a twilight canopy We'll search the clouds for a star to guide us
If by some chance you find yourself loving me We'll find a cloud to hide us
We'll keep the moon beside us Love is waiting there in my beautiful balloon
Way up in the air in my beautiful balloon
If you'll hold my hand we'll
chase your dream across the sky
For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away My beautiful,
my beautiful balloon Balloon...
Up, up, and away...
Song and words by The Fifth Dimension.
