-=Blah, blah, blah- I don't own, blah, blah, blah.=-
Giving Hermione the Mickey
Friends and Dead Ends
*
After a long night of tossing and turning Hermione left her rooms to see what the day had to offer. Breakfast was already over, so she nipped down to the kitchens for a bite.
Off to the library to have a carefree sit in the window seat reading. Yes, today was a brand new day. Finding something she didn't understand in a book she went in search of McGonagall.
Grief is a strange animal, it pops out of its hidey hole when you least expect it. Hermione waited outside the Transfiguration class, for it to let out. Stepping inside, Hermione was immediately met with Professor McGonagall's too understanding eyes. Her grief filled her up and spilled down her face. "Sorry," Hermione choked.
"Everything all right Ms. Granger?" Minerva asked inanely.
"I've been better." Trying to head off the impending sob, "I wanted to know something about the Animagus Transformation." Hermione galloped through her tears before they overtook her. "The book wasn't too clear on what animal you should try to become."
"You don't choose your form Ms. Granger, the form chooses you. Like a wand, I suppose. My Animagus form and Patronus are the same. It maybe that your form would be like your Patronus, however I cannot be certain of that. If you are attempting the Animagus Transformation, then I suggest you see me. I can help. How is your state of health, did you perchance take breakfast?"
"Better, than last night. I ate. Everything fell apart yesterday. Now I'm scrambling around trying to find the pieces, and I'm not sure what the pieces look like. I suppose it could be worse though, I could be pregnant." Thanks to Professor Snape I have a chance at going on to university right away instead of having to wait, or struggling with feelings that would come from raising his baby, alone. "I know that's incredibly selfish, I don't think I'm really cut out for Motherhood. Not having any choice only made matters worse. No choice at all; not the rape, not losing my virginity, not the possibility of carrying a child, not bearing and raising that child." Hermione broke into a crying jag. She felt like she needed to justify herself, and her decision.
Completely inconsolable McGonagall had to let her cry it out. There were words in the sobbing but she couldn't make them out. McGonagall wrapped her shawl around Hermione to comfort her. Eventually the Head Girl calmed down. "I'm sorry, Professor. If it's fine I'll come for your assistance with the transformation. Thank you Professor." Hermione lay the shawl on the chair and departed.
~*~
Ginny missed her class in order to see Hermione when she finally came out. She was sure Flitwick would understand. "Hermione! I'm so sorry," mopping at her cascade of tears. Please don't be mad at me."
Hermione grabbed Ginny, hugging her tightly crying with her. Both wailed apologies and messages of hope and caring, but neither heard the other. It was very subterranean, Hermione and Ginny felt what they still shared; friendship.
Things weren't perfect. Hermione didn't want to talk about it, at all. Ginny wanted to rage and storm over her brother. After the initial hug, Hermione didn't want to be comforted, or touched. Hermione felt very alienated by the whole experience. After assuring Ginny that still loved her like a sister, Hermione stayed away from Ginny. She just wanted to be away from all of the social aspects of school-life. She didn't fell sociable, thankfully she didn't have to pretend with Snape.
~*~
It gave her a nervous sort of feeling that she had kissed the Bat of the Dungeons. It had been nice, but whenever she was around him she always got the sensation she was missing something. She always felt like something escaped her attention. Probably being paranoid. She went into the Great Hall and ate a hasty dinner. Promising Harry and Ginny (always close in conversation), that everything was fine and for now she just wanted to focus on studying. Which was perfectly true.
~*~
She could do whatever she wanted right now, anything. Lay down and take a nap? Too late in the day. Work on the Animagus transformation? McGonagall was at dinner. Study? Study what, she had her books nearly committed to memory. Sitting in her room? Been doing too much of that already. Not able to decide, she dropped in on Professor Snape who hadn't made it to dinner.
"Enter." Hermione saw Snape sitting down at his chessboard when she entered. "Ms. Granger, what can I do for you?" Snape moved back his chair.
Best not answer that, she settled for shrugging weakly. Snape waved her into the vacant chair.
"While your thinking about it, care to join me for a game?" Setting her bag down, Snape reset the board.
After being defeated several time with great efficiency, she pulled a book out to read.
Snape watched her carefully as he poured tea, "I heard you were at dinner this evening. Things must be somewhat better now?" Hermione curled up in the chair.
Looking at Snape frankly, "I hoped that I'd feel better than I do. I had a run-in with some Gryffindors earlier, they said some crude things. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I feel like I have a terminal illness, that I'm no longer part of the regular population."
"You feel alienated." Snape could tell that well enough. Not wanting to dwell on that too much, he introduced the patent change of subject. "How is the studying coming along?"
Hermione's face brightened, as Snape knew it would. "The studying is much better." Looking shy, "you helped me more than you know last night. I didn't have any other nightmares."
The Potions Master knew as much. It had taken him a long time to get to sleep last night. The charm hadn't gone off.
"I didn't want to keep taking the dreamless sleep potion. I know it's habit forming." The clock on the mantle chimed. "Sweet Merlin, is it that time already?" She climbed out of the chair and grabbed her bag. She fought the urge to kiss the professor, given his awkward stance she thought he wanted to kiss her as well. The moment might have been a year for the protracted lingering feel of it. The stronger of the two, Snape reminding her about her duties and of his own.
Severus you are such an idiot. Can't you see the girl, woman, he corrected himself is confused? She might be drawn to you a bit, but only because you saw to her welfare when she could not. Had she ever shown any interest before this whole mess? Strike that. Don't even think about it. It's absurd, obscene, and you, Severus Snape know better. Snape took to pacing. Do you think she will just take you home to meet her parents? She has plans, a future to look forward to, a brilliant one at that. Do you really think she wants to lug you around, tired, old, broken down, scarred...wreck. Snape worked himself up into such a frenzy that he picked up a lead crystal vase and hurled it against the wall, where it exploded into star-like particles. "WHY NOT?!" Snape raged at himself. Watching the glittering mess silt up as it drifted to the floor, he cleared the sweat and tears from his face. Severus Snape you know better, and I will not permit you to make a mess out of her life by taking advantage of her. Make your heart listen, make it see reason. "I can't, hearts don't have ears or eyes."
AN/I think I need an exorcist after channelling that! Lol.
