9th of September 1881

Dear diary!

Oh dear god, it is as I feared! My husband is in love with that wretch Molly Reardon! I could see it in his eyes the moment he entered the house. His eyes were changed, they were not the same. Heavens! My world is falling apart!

I was so incredibly happy when I looked out through the window and saw his carriage. I thought that he had gotten my message and that he was finally coming home. But I was wrong, so terribly wrong! I greeted him as I always do when he's been away. I threw my arms around his neck and told him that I had missed him. He did smile to me and kissed my cheek, but I could see no tenderness in his eyes, no love! He looked at me as if I was some random woman he just met on the street. The children were awfully happy to see their father again, especially Willie. He so admires and looks up to his father (he is, unfortunately, becoming more and more like his father for every day that passes).

After dinner Nels and I sat down to count his receipts. I thought that it would be a good time for us to talk and spend some time together. But Nels clearly did not want to discuss our delicate matter, no – he just kept bragging about what a success his damn wagon store had become. I almost felt like smacking him! After half an hour or so, I noticed that a cameo was missing – one of the very expensive ones. I could see that Nels turned pale. He then hurried conjure up a ridiculous story and told me that he had lost it. Lost it? How stupid does that man think I am? Nels has always been very careful with his belongings and he would NEVER EVER lose a cameo. No, I know for certain that he gave that beautiful, very expensive cameo to that bloody husband stealer Molly. I know it for a fact, because he has a weakness for cameos. He has given me several ones during our years as married. Oh god, I just pray that we will keep on being married. I don't want to lose him!

It feels kind of strange writing this, considering the fact that I'm in bed and Nels is only laying a couple of centimeters away from me. He is asleep, naturally. He fell asleep the moment his head met his pillow. He did not even wish me a good night! One part of me wants to confront him, tell him that I know about him and little Molly. But I can't do that, because if I do, he might walk out on me and never come back. I would not be able to handle it. I love him so terribly much! And I thought he loved me too. Only a year ago, when the he and the children had caught anthrax and I thought he was about to die, I said to him that I couldn't understand how put up with me. He then looked at me with his kind loving eyes and told me that he did not put up with me, but that he loved me. That was the sweetest thing he has ever said to me! And now, only a year later, he neither loves nor puts up with me. Oh good grief, tears are dwelling up inside me but I won't cry. I won't! I will be strong! I have no intention to let Nels see me weak and desperate. No, I'll try to be strong. It is now time for me to turn off the lights. I pray that Nels will have come to his senses tomorrow and that everything will go back to normal. I miss my husband so much that it hurts!