So here we go! The chapter that will answer all of your questions, *drum roll*

Again I struggled with this chapter a little but which is why it took so long, sorry about that. I hope you enjoy this, as always thank you for the reviwes, keep them coming! he he!

Thank you yet again to the fabulous Jessica and please check out her story "Breaking point" It's really really good!!

She slowly put the key in the door and walked into what was to be her new apartment, not that she particularly cared. Shejust needed somewhere she could lie in bed all day and cry without interruptions. It had been 14 hours since Elliot left her in her apartment. She'd immediately called a friend in real estate who had told her of an apartment in Indiana. Without hearing another word Olivia told her she would take it. She'd packed a few things and driven all night through tears and at times immense pain. She knew she was supposed to be resting, but she had to get away. The look...the look on his face would haunt her until the day she died. She was shaken from her thoughts as her friend Holly followed her inside.

"It's nice huh?" she asked with a smile. She was shorter than Olivia with straight long brown hair and warm brown eyes. She had met Olivia through a friend and they'd become close. They had kept in contact with emails and texts when Holly moved to Indiana 5 months ago. Holly was worried about her friend, but knew better than to ask before she was ready. "Liv?" she gave her a soft smile. "Do you want me to stay with you?" she asked gently placing her hand on her friends shoulder.

Olivia shook her head. "No, no...thank you," she managed.

"Don't mention it. I'm uh, I'm gonna come by tomorrow-"

"Holly-"

"I know you don't want to talk yet, but I'm worried about you. I just...I know you and you'll shut yourself away, pretend everything's okay when I can see it's not. I'm not going to ask you what's wrong. I know you'll tell me if you're ready. But I'm gonna be here tomorrow at 11:00am okay?" She felt her heart sink as she saw the tears filling Olivia's already swollen eyes.

Olivia nodded softly. "Okay."

Holly walked out, slowly closing the door behind her.

Holly was right. To an extent Olivia was intending on locking herself away, but she had no idea how she could ever pretend to be okay after what she had done. She put her bag on the sofa and slowly walked into the bedroom; it was painted white and was very bright. She could change that. The early morning sun shone through making her wince, her eyes were so sore. She pulled the curtains until no light was left in the room and lay on the bed, tears falling without warning. She would never forgive herself. The guilt swept through her in constant waves every few moments. What had she done? She knew she would doubt herself, hate herself even, but this was unbearable. She would never be able to look at him again as much from the hurt he'd caused her as the guilt that she felt. He'd openly cried in front of her and she couldn't do it. She couldn't do what she always did - she couldn't fix him. She had let him touch her for a few moments but she pulled away as nausea shot through her. How could she let him hold her after what he'd done to her? How could he want to hold her after what she'd done to him? His reaction shocked her into submission. She thought that he would walk away again, relieved, but he didn't. He cried, immediately making her regret her decision. But it was already too late, and for that she hated him more than she could ever express. She did it for him and he had no right to make it so hard. Why had he cried? He couldn't have been clearer when he spoke to her: he did not want the baby. He had left her with no other choice. How could he stand there in front of her crying? She shuddered as her physical pain intensified. How was she ever going to be okay?

****

It annoyed her that she still thought of him, still missed him. Up until she left him, she'd never mourned for someone who was still alive before, but she couldn't help it. Her heart ached, longing to see him again. She hated to admit that she still had feelings for him after the way he had treated her. She tried so hard to hate him but it only made her miss him even more. She knew, however, that she would never be able to truly forgive him, and it was this fact that saddened her the most. It had been 3 weeks since she'd left him. She'd barely left her new apartment, instead choosing to stay in and cry. At times she felt stupid, then angry at herself. She and Elliot were never together, so how could she lie there feeling as if she'd been dumped? Other times she would allow herself to be broken-hearted, no they weren't together – but he had been the biggest part of her life for so long, her best friend and so much more. Today was the first day that she had woken up without feeling sick to her stomach. The first day that she didn't have that the overwhelming sadness was just a little twinge whenever something reminded her of what she had done. Watching TV, an advertisement for diapers showing a father and his new born baby made her sob. The guilt would never go away, she knew that much after hours of thought, millions of tears and weeks of thinking of the life she would never have. She was never supposed to have touched Elliot. There was no way she would have been able to play the 'happy family' with him and his baby...her baby.

It had taken a while for her to start thinking of it as her baby rather than his, and for what she'd done to her child she would never forgive herself. Her one chance to be happy, to have what her subconscious had always told her she wanted, and she'd given it up so quickly. She had tried to convince herself that what she had done was for the best, but that didn't ease her heavy heart when she lay alone thinking of what could have been. Never in her life did she think she would be living her life this way. The first few nights after she left, she dreamt of her, her baby and Elliot. She could barely breathe when she woke up and realised that it was just that - a dream. She never thought she would be "that" woman. She imagined getting pregnant would be a joyous occasion with tears of happiness instead of fear and desperation. After she heard Elliot leave her apartment on the last day she saw him, the reality of what she had done hit her and she was inconsolable. Never had she felt such guilt, such self loathing. Now...now it was easing. She had no other choice but to do what she did and she knew it.

She looked up as she heard a knock on the door. She knew it was Holly. Her friend had been to see her as often as she could, and eventually, when Olivia couldn't hold it in anymore, she broke and told Holly everything. Holly listened and comforted her the way she wished Elliot had been able to do, which made her cry even more. As she pulled open the door she gave a soft smile as Holly held up two bags, one in each hand.

"I come bearing gifts!" she smiled. "How you doing?" she asked.

"Good...better," she nodded. "What did you bring?" she asked looking at the bags.

"Food, before you say anything, I'm sure you're not hungry but it doesn't matter, you need to eat-"

"I eat-"

"What have you eaten today?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Olivia bit her lip knowing she couldn't admit to having eaten nothing.

"I uh, I know how you feel okay, you don't want to eat, you wanna stay in bed all day? I've been there, but you need to look after yourself, please - for me? I brought your favourite..." she smiled.

Olivia returned the smile.

"You brought Chinese?" she raised her eyebrows.

Holly's smile faded.

"Oh, okay...uh...I brought someone else's favourite- Mexican?"

As she spoke Olivia's smile faded.

"What?" Holly asked.

"Nothing," she shook her head. "Get a hold of yourself!" she told herself. She'd never felt more pathetic in her life. "It's nothing-"

"Elliot?" she asked.

Even hearing his name her heart sink, she nodded. "This is pathetic, this is not me- I don't get upset because I'm eating someone's favourite food."

"You love him," Holly said softly.

Olivia looked up. She began shaking her head. She didn't love him. She cared for him. She missed him and he was a big part of her life, but she didn't love him. "I don't...I don't love him," she told her friend.

Holly gave her a sympathetic smile. "I know it's hard for you Liv," she put her hand over her friend's as they stood at the kitchen counter. "I'm not going to push you, but it's not going to get better until you admit exactly what it is you're trying to get over."

"I don't..." she looked at her friend. She couldn't do it. After years of pushing any feelings she had for him as far away as humanly possible, she couldn't ruin it now. "I can't love him," she told her friend, and she truly believed that was the answer. She couldn't, therefore she didn't. She'd been lying in bed for hours on end crying for him, missing him, her heart aching for him. It couldn't all come back to the baby, as much as that hurt, nearly killed her in fact. She knew at times when she was crying for her child that she was crying for him too. She'd locked herself away for 3 weeks because she lost the man she loved...it hit her, hard. She looked up at her friend, eyes wide. "I...I love him," tears filled her eyes.

Holly reached out and gently pulled her into a hug. Olivia clung to her as she cried. As sadness enveloped her Holly gently told her that she would be okay, that she'd taken the first step and it was going to take time, but that she was on the road to recovery.

****

Holly was right. Three weeks later and after yet more crying and admissions of feelings she'd never been allowed to express, Olivia was almost back to her old self. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. The bags under her eyes were gone, the gentle flush in her cheeks had returned, and she was starting to venture outside again. She'd met a few nice people and Indiana really didn't seem that bad anymore. The curtains were open. Sunshine was allowed back into her room.

She looked up as she heard a gentle rap on the door. She smiled as she pulled it open. She saw a tall man with sandy blonde hair, he was well built without being stocky and his chiseled jaw would make any woman swoon. She smiled as Tom Chapman reached out and hugged her.

"It's been way too long," he told her as she allowed him to hold her. "You look beautiful!" he smiled as he pulled away.

She smiled as a blush crept across her cheeks. "You uh, you don't look so bad yourself, I'm sorry to just call out of the blue-"

"Hey, come on. I told you if you're ever in the neighbourhood right? When did you move?" he asked as she welcomed him into the apartment.

She smiled looking back at him. She'd dated him for a few months a couple of years ago. She became attached pretty quickly but they ended it when he moved away, and now here they were, both in the same city. She rang him on a whim after Holly convinced her she needed to get out. She was always incredibly attracted to him, and as soon as he stepped in she started thinking it wasn't such a good idea. She was in no position to start dating, but, after spending so many years in the NYPD, she craved male company, and as long as she kept her head she would be okay.

"Uh, a few weeks ago now," she told him. She gave him a quick smile. She saw as he changed his stance slightly. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"You got beer?"

"Uh...no, sorry, I have...apple juice?" she smiled.

He laughed. "Great, I love apple juice," he smiled.

Hours later they were still sitting on the sofa talking. It felt so natural to be with him again, and her craving for male company was satisfied. She remembered Tom taking her to an expensive restaurant. It was packed and their table had been given to someone else so, instead, they sat in his apartment both dressed beautifully. She'd never laughed so much. They'd slept together for the first time that night on the blanket he'd put down while they ate. The food was cleared and she had told him about her father. She didn't know why and she'd never told another man, except her partner. He sat and listened and didn't freak out. After she finished she was sure he would make his excuses and she'd have to leave, but he hadn't. He'd gently put his hand on her face and kissed her softly. When he pulled away, she grabbed his hand and kept it on her neck. She'd kissed him again, this time with more force.

"You don't have to do this," he told her softly. Her heart immediately warmed. She could feel that he wanted her, yet he was letting her know that it was up to her. She kissed him again.

"I want to," she told him.

He pulled away. He looked her up and down, shaking his head. "How the hell did I get you?" he asked.

She captured his lips again and pulled him on top of her as she lay backwards.

She was shaken from her daydream by his voice. After talking about everything they had both been doing -minus the past 4 months for Olivia, he told her that he had been engaged to be married, but she had cheated on him. Olivia felt such anger towards the woman who had hurt her friend. Her anger turned to embarrassment when she realised that she was no better than her. She shook her head. She wouldn't think of him, not now.

"You okay?" Tom asked softly.

She nodded. "Sorry, in my own world," she admitted. She froze as he raised his hand to her face.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

"Uh..." she pulled away. "Sorry," she backed away from him slightly. "This uh, this may not be a good idea," she raised her hand to her forehead. She didn't want to hurt him. She felt so stupid. What else would he expect? An ex girlfriend inviting him over... Damn it.

"No, I'm sorry, I thought...I thought when you called you wanted to...wow, sorry, I'm an idiot," he looked up and gave her an apologetic smile.

"No you're not, I just, I just wanted to see you-" she put her hand over his.

"And I come in and try it on straight away. Sorry I just...you're so beautiful," he told her. "And I never should have given you up - given up on us... You're...you're the most beautiful, kind, honest-"

"Stop," she shook her head.

He wouldn't say that if he knew what she had done. She'd slept with a married man; yes, she'd more than suffered for it, but she wasn't good and she was certainly not honest.

"Are you uh, are you seeing anyone? I know that I'm moving quickly here, but I want to be with you again, Olivia, and I don't mean sex..." He gave her a cheeky smile, "I mean, obviously that would be nice-"

"I'm not seeing anyone but it's...complicated," she bit her lip. She couldn't tell him. Yes he'd been understanding about her father, but this? Would he understand? She genuinely liked him. She could talk to him for hours, and she would tell him eventually. She couldn't lie to him. She knew telling him would end any romantic relationship that she thought may have developed again. She thought she'd never want to be touched by another man, yet here she was wishing he would reach for her one more time. It would never work. He hated cheaters, not to mention the extra baggage.

"I can deal with complicated. I know...I know I'm pushing you, but Liv, I should never have let you go before-"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew..." she stopped herself before she could finish.

"It can't be that bad – this is you." He smiled, putting his hand over hers.

"We can't be together," she told him, she saw the hurt in his face, "It's not that I don't want to, please don't think that," she told him.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to think. You want to be with me but you can't?" he asked.

"You uh, you won't want to."

"There is nothing you could tell me right now that would make me not want to be with you- what is it? You kill someone? Even that I can live with," he laughed nervously.

She looked at him. Her heart ached knowing he would run miles away as soon as she told him, and she felt guilty for wanting him to stay. She took a deep breath. He was still staring at her waiting to hear what was so bad that could possibly make him not want to be with her.

She spoke slowly, waiting for him to pull away from her.

"I'm pregnant."

Ooooooooooooh!! See I couldn't do it to her, I love her too much! Hope you enjoyed this, more is on the way and thank you inadvanced for the reviews! YOu guys are amazing, I'm so proud of this story!!X