Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy I wish I did so I wouldn't have to wait each week to know what was going to happen.
Chapter 8
"Meredith, Meredith wait!" Derek called but her car was already too far gone.
Mark and Addison walked up to Derek and each took a spot next to Derek. Addison on his right, Mark on his left. Mark put his hand on Derek's shoulder before he spoke. "Let's go inside Derek, we have to get ready for work."
Addison looked at Derek's face. "She said she would write Derek. She'll be ok."
Derek heard them talking but he couldn't get her words out of his mind. He quickly turned and ran into the apartment. Addison and Mark shared a look and then followed him into the apartment. When they entered Derek was coming out of his room with a bag. Mark stepped in front of the door. "What are you doing?"
"I'm going after her."
Addison didn't understand what had gotten into him. She knew he would be upset when Meredith left, they all would be but going after her was not what she had expected. "Derek you can't go after her. She's going to school and you have a job." Addison watched as Derek didn't say anything so she turned to Mark and silently told him to help her.
"Derek Addi's right you can't just follow her. She will write and visit."
"She knows about Marissa."
"What?"
"That's what she came back for. She told me she wants me to be happy with Marissa because she loves me. She called me Dr. Sheppard and then ran away. I need to go after her and make her understand."
"You can't go after her Derek you know if she's running she won't talk to you right now."
Derek sighed and put his bag down before sitting heavily on the couch. "I don't understand how this happened. How did she find out about Marissa?"
"You didn't tell her?"
"No. I didn't think it was something I needed to tell her Addi." Derek saw the look on her face. "We were over a month before I met Meredith why would I need to tell her about an ex? Did either of you know that she knew?"
Both Mark and Addison shook their heads no.
"I just don't understand why she wouldn't have asked me about her if she knew and how did she find out?"
"Well we did all work that 48 hour shift a couple days ago so it's not like any of us got to spend much…"
"That's it." Derek cut Mark off and continued. "She came to say goodbye to Dr. Webber that day and we were going to have lunch but when I went to meet her she was leaving the hospital. I tried catching her but I got paged. I called her to make sure she was ok and then she called and left a message that she was fine. I should have known she wasn't fine."
"How does that explain anything?"
"When I left the lobby I saw nurse Nikki with another nurse. Nikki had walked in on Marissa and I the day before."
"Walked in on?"
"We were in an on call room talking. She said she wanted us to get back together because she missed me. I told her I loved someone else when she pulled me into a kiss. That's when Nikki walked in. When I got paged I saw that Nikki was talking to another nurse. Meredith must have overheard them talking. I have to tell her what happened."
"Derek you need to give her time. You know how the nurses talk and I'm sure what Meredith heard is not what you just said. Wait until she writes us." Addison saw Derek's expression hadn't changed. "You can't lose your job."
It was the 30 day of him going to the mailbox looking for a letter from her. Derek pulled out the mail and found a letter for him and one for Addison. He quickly went back to the apartment and threw the mail on the kitchen counter before going into his bedroom to read his letter. He quickly tore it open and began to read.
Dear Derek,
I don't even know where to start. I want to tell you so many things but I know I can't. I want you to know that I am happy here. I am focusing on school. I told myself that I was going to be number one and prove my mother wrong and that is what I'm doing. I have a roommate. You probably wouldn't like her because she reminds me of Christina and I know how you feel about Christina but she keeps me focused. I miss you. I didn't want to tell you that but I do. I hope you are happy and keeping your promise. Maybe if I come back for a visit I can meet Marissa. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet her before I left but I'm sure you had your reasons.
I hope you're doing well at the hospital. I haven't heard from my mother. I know I shouldn't be surprised by that but I guess I was hoping that once she knew I was really gone maybe she would miss me. Don't let her get to you if she's being tough on you though. She's just wanting to push you and make you better. She was always a good doctor and a good teacher. I just wish she was a better mother. No actually I don't. I'm the way I am now because of her so I don't fault her for that because she did the best she could right? Anyways I just don't what you to get upset if she gets mad at you or anything.
You believe in fate and happily ever after, I never did Derek. You said you loved me, I'll never forget that. I told you you couldn't and I was right about that. You can't love me because of Marissa. I'm so sorry that I disturbed your life with my problems. If I could go back I would have made Christina take me to Mercy the day I fell and broke my wrist. Since I can't go back, I want to thank-you for being there for me after Luke, the trial, and the baby. I know I could have gotten through it without you, Mark, and Addison but I'm glad I didn't have to. I still have the nightmares. I don't think they will ever go away so I'm learning how to deal with them on my own.
I didn't give you my address because I want you to forget me Derek. I want you to be happy and I'm not going to take that away from you. I didn't give it to Addison either so don't try bugging her for it. You told me you wanted to be a neurosurgeon and I want that for you. You will be a great neurosurgeon I just know it. And I want you to be happy. Make yourself happy Derek and know that I am fine just like I always have been and I will continue to be. I'll be fine.
I know I was rambling but I just wanted to get everything out before I lost my nerve. I know you're laughing at me for that right? Keep that smile on your face Derek and take care of yourself.
Meredith Grey
Derek finished reading the letter and folded it back up. He couldn't believe what she had said. His heart was breaking. He didn't understand why she had pushed him away and why she wouldn't let him love her. He didn't want her to be on her own and he knew she wasn't fine but he knew he couldn't force her to do anything and he thought that running after her would make things worse. But she was right about the rambling and the smile. Even thought it hurt she could make him smile.
Mark and Addison came home and saw the mail on the counter. Addison sorted through it and found her letter. She went to the couch and started reading it.
Dear Addison,
Well I'm here. It's better than I thought it would be. I have a roommate who reminds me of Christina and she's very competitive. I've decided to focus on school. I am going to prove my mother wrong and become a surgeon.
As you can see my email address is at the top of the letter. Please don't give it to Derek. I wrote him a letter asking him to forget about me and to be happy with Marissa. That's what is best for him Addison. I wouldn't be any good for him, he deserves so much more than me and I want him to have that. I don't want to lose our friendship though. I would understand if you can't because of Derek but I just wanted you to know that. He deserves your loyalty just make sure he becomes the great neurosurgeon that I know he will be.
I also wanted to thank-you for everything you have done for me. I still have nightmares but I am learning how to deal with them on my own now that I don't have you, Mark, or Derek. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I guess that's because I have been on my own for years.
Anyways, I gotta get to class but I wanted to say hi and give you my address. Just in case I don't hear from you again I want you to know that I really appreciate your help again. And Addi if I would have had a sister, I would have wanted her to be like you.
Love,
Meredith
P.S. Say hi to Mark. I don't know what love is but I think he loves you and you too are good together so you better invite me to the wedding if he ever works up the nerve to ask you.
Addison folded up the letter with tears in her eyes as Mark came to sit next to her. "Addi what is it?"
"It's from Meredith." She said handing it to Mark who read it over before folding it back up and placing it into the envelop.
"So Derek wants to be a neurosurgeon and she thinks I don't have the nerve."
"Mark."
"Right I'm sorry. It's not fair for her to make decisions for Derek."
"What do I do?"
"About what?"
"Derek."
"Talk to him." Mark saw the question on her face. "Don't tell him about the email but see if he would be ok with you keeping a friendship with her. I know you think of her as a sister to Addi and it wouldn't be right for you to forget about a sister, just talk to him."
"Thank-you Mark." Addison finished as she gave him a kiss. She then headed to Derek's room and knocked softly.
"Come in."
Addison walked in and took a seat next to him on the bed. "Did you get a letter from her?" She knew it was a dumb question because she saw the letter in his hand but she didn't know how else to start the conversation.
Derek didn't say anything he just handed her the letter giving her permission to read it.
Addison took the letter and read it. When she was done she folded it back up and handed it back to him. "I'm sorry Derek."
"I just don't understand why? Why did she ran away and why won't she let me love her?"
"Derek she doesn't know what love is." Derek looked at her with a confused look so Addison explained. "Her mother is Dr. Ellis Grey. She spends 99 of her time at the hospital. Meredith didn't have anyone to show her what love is. Her father left her when she was young. Her mother when she was around, yelled at her. Derek she put Meredith down for everything she did. Nothing was good enough for her. Then when Meredith starts dating all they want is to get her drunk and have sex with her. She meets one guy who tells her he loves her and he ends up hitting her, breaking her wrist, and raping her on her birthday. Then what happens…her mother testifies for her rapist. To top it all off she ends up having a miscarriage. She hasn't had anyone teach her what love is Derek."
"But I could have taught her. I told her I loved her the night before she left and when she ran back into my arms. I told her I loved her. Why wouldn't she let me show her?"
"I think she was scarred."
"Of me?"
"No of what you said and how you made her feel. Love is a scary thing Derek and to someone who has never felt it or only had bad things happen in the name of love it's even scarier."
"You know what she asked me the night she finally cried?" Derek asked as he looked to Addison who didn't say anything. "She asked me how I know what she needs and wants? I told her I just did but I wanted to tell her it was because I loved her. If I had said it sooner I would have had more time to teach her what love is. Why didn't I tell her sooner Addi?"
"Because you knew she wasn't ready to hear it. Because you do love her and you didn't want to hurt her."
"But I did anyway."
"I don't think you did Derek. I just think she needs to be on her own for a little bit."
"She's been on her own for 18 years already."
"She's been in the shadow of her mother and then she came to be with us. She's thousands of miles away from anyone who knows her or knows her past. Maybe this is just what she needs."
"She told me to forget her."
"I know Derek."
"I can't forget her, I won't."
"I know and I think that deep down she doesn't want you to either. Just see what happens."
"What did your letter say?"
"She said she wanted to stay in touch if I wanted to but…"
"But what?"
"But she said she would understand if I couldn't because of you. She said you deserve my loyalty and she wants me to make sure you become the great neurosurgeon that she knows you will be."
"She always thinks of everyone else before herself."
Addison smiled. "That's another thing you love about her isn't it?"
Derek nodded. "I think you should."
"Should what?"
"Stay in touch with her. She needs someone besides her crazy friends that she can trust. I know she thought of you like a sister and I don't think it would be fair if she lost that just because I'm jealous that she would rather speak to you than me."
"Derek Sheppard, I thought you didn't do jealous."
Both Addison and Derek turned to the door to see Mark standing there smiling. "I don't get jealous but with Meredith it's different."
"Whatever. So are we going to go eat?"
Addison looked from Mark to Derek. "Are you sure Derek?"
"On two conditions…you don't hurt me with all my questions about her and you have to tell me if something is wrong."
Addison smiled and nodded. "I can do that." Addison looked back to Mark. "We better get going before her gets grouchy, he's hungry."
"I don't get grouchy, I just have strong opinions." Mark said as he was walking to the door with Addison and Derek following. "So a neurosurgeon?"
"Yes. I decided after the craniotomy I was in on about a month ago. Have you guys decided anything yet?"
"I've got some idea's but I'm not sure yet." Mark said as the three of them walked out the door.
Addison did keep in touch with Meredith and Derek stayed true to his word about asking her about Meredith. He asked everyday to see if she had heard from her. Addison never got annoyed with him knowing how he felt about Meredith. Meredith always kept her emails simple. She never gave too much information to Addison which made her think maybe Meredith knew that she would tell Derek. About a year after Meredith left Addison got an email telling her Meredith had a boyfriend. She said his name was Brian. He was a Junior and he was going to school to be a lawyer. Addison hoped he was good for her but she knew the only one who was really good for Meredith was Derek even though she would never tell her that. Addison had tried asking more questions about Brian but Meredith never answered them. A year later and Addison got the email she had been hoping for. Meredith was coming back for a visit. Addison quickly replied saying that she could stay in their guest bedroom and that she couldn't wait to see her. The reply she got however was that Meredith would be staying with her mother. To say Addison, Mark, and Derek were shocked would be an understatement. When Meredith told Addison the dates she would be back she told Derek and Mark. She saw the disappointment on their faces since the chief had picked both of them to go to a medical conference in New York for that week so they would not be able to see her.
"Addison." Meredith said walking to the table.
Addison stood and gave her a hug. "It's good to see you."
They both sat down and Meredith realized they were at a table for two. "Where's Derek and Mark?"
"They are at a medical convention in New York." Addison saw the disappointed look on Meredith's face. "They both said to tell you hi and they hope you are doing well."
"Addi I know I haven't known Derek and Mark as long as you have but I'm sure they already know how I am because they have been pumping you for answers, am I right?"
"You are. Derek asks everyday if I've heard from you."
Meredith smiled. "I thought he would forget."
Addison grabbed her hand. "He won't forget Meredith. You know that."
Meredith looked to her hand that was still being held by Addison's. "He asked you?"
Addison smiled. "Yes about a month ago."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I wanted to tell you in person and when I got your email that you were coming I thought it could wait."
"That's great Addison. I'm so happy for you. When is the wedding? Are you going to have a big wedding? Are you…"
Addison held up her hand. "You're rambling Meredith."
"I'm sorry, I'm just so happy for you."
"Good because I wanted to ask you something."
"Sure what is it?"
"I was hoping you would be my maid of honor."
"What?"
Addison laughed at her expression. "You heard me I want you to be my maid of honor."
"I don't know what to say."
"Yes would be a good answer."
"Yes."
"That's great Meredith. I'm so happy."
"When is the wedding?"
"It's going to next May."
They spent the next hour talking about the wedding and how Mark had proposed. Once the subject of the wedding was covered Addison decided to move to a different subject. "So how is your mother?"
"She's good. She's going to travel for a few years so she wanted to let me know about her plans and we packed up the house."
"You spent this last week packing?"
"Yes she wanted everything packed up because there won't be anyone in the house. She might sell the house. She said she would let me know her final decision depending on how the traveling goes.
Addison knew Meredith didn't like talking about her mother so she changed the subject again. "So how is Brian?"
"Brian?"
"Your boyfriend."
"Oh yeah right. Well he's not my boyfriend. I caught him in bed with my neighbor so we aren't together anymore."
"I'm sorry Meredith."
"Don't be. I'm fine."
"You're the same old Meredith."
"What?"
"You and your fineness. You don't have to be fine all the time you know?"
"Addison please we were having a good time let's not do this ok?"
"You're right I don't want to fight with you Meredith."
"Good so tell me what's new at the hospital?"
"Nothing really. Your mom leaving is the biggest news. We were all shocked to know she was going to take time off."
"I guess she needed a break. So how are Derek and Marissa?"
Addison stiffened she didn't want to be the one to talk to Meredith about this but she knew she couldn't not answer her. Then she thought maybe it was time that Meredith knew the truth. "Marissa?"
"Don't play stupid Addison you know who I am talking about. Now spill."
"They aren't a couple Meredith."
"He promised me."
"What?"
"He promised me he would be happy with her."
"No he didn't." Meredith just starred at Addison. "You said that to him, you didn't let him answer, you didn't even let him explain. Why didn't you tell him you knew about her?"
"How is Mark doing?"
"No you don't Meredith Grey, you are not avoiding this. Marissa was someone that he had been seeing before he ever met you. He broke up with her a month before he met you."
Meredith's eyes were starting to get moist. "They why would he be having sex with her in an on call room?"
"He wasn't. She had kissed him and that's when the nurse walked in. Derek said she had come to try and get him back because she missed him so she kissed him. That's all it was."
"That's not what I heard."
"Meredith the nurses love gossip everything that ever happens in that hospital gets blown out of proportion. I wish you would have talked to Derek about it."
Meredith wiped her eyes before her tears fell. "I thought it would be better for him. The nurse said that Marissa loved him. Derek deserves someone who can love him. Addi that's not me."
"But it could be."
"No it can't be. I'm just…I'm…no it can't be Addison."
Addison watched Meredith. She looked so sad sitting there. What was she trying to say? She was about to ask when Meredith spoke again.
"I have to go. I'm glad we were able to get together and I can't wait for the wedding. Tell Derek and Mark hi for me ok?" Meredith said as she stood and gave Addison a hug before leaving the restaurant.
Addison sighed as she watched Meredith leave the restaurant. Two days later Mark and Derek got back home.
"Addison how did it go?"
Addison was on the couch watching TV when Derek came in with Mark following behind. He took a seat and she quickly sat up to answer his questions. "She's going to be my maid of honor. She was back to help her mom pack up the house because she will be traveling and Dr. Grey might sell the house. She wanted me to tell you both hi. She doesn't have a boyfriend anymore. He cheated on her. I told her about Marissa. I told her the truth about Marissa."
Mark had come in and taken a seat. "What happened?"
"I asked her why she didn't tell you she knew about Marissa. She said it would be better for you Derek. She heard one of the nurses say that Marissa loved you and she believes you deserve someone who can love you back."
"I know you meant well Addison. I'm glad she asked about me. That means something. And just so you know I would punch the bastard who cheated on her if I could." Derek said seriously and then he started smiling.
Addison and Mark shared a look before Mark spoke. "What are you smiling about?"
"Fate."
"So we are back to that. What is it that you have faith in now?"
"Your wedding."
"Our wedding?"
"You said she's going to be your maid of honor. That means she's coming back in a year. And since I'm you best man she is going to have to talk to me and even dance with me."
Addison smiled. "I hope your right Derek for both of your sakes."
The next few months passed by slowly. Addison and Meredith emailed back and forth almost every week working out the details of the wedding. Meredith was worried about her dress but Addison had been able to find the one she wanted Meredith to wear online and thankfully Meredith found a store close by that she could get the dress and get it fitted.
One month before the wedding Addison got an email from Meredith asking if she could bring a guest. Addison was a little surprised by this request so she replied back asking who it would be. She knew she would say yes but she thought it was weird that Meredith hadn't said anything before.
Meredith got the reply back from Addison asking her who she would be bringing. Meredith slightly panicked. How could she do this. She knew that she couldn't go if he couldn't come but she really wanted to be there for Addison. She decided it would be better to just tell the truth so after two weeks of thinking it over she sent the reply to Addison.
Addison came home and turned on her computer to check her email. She was worried that Meredith still hadn't responded knowing the wedding was two weeks away. As she was pulling up her email Mark came in. "Hey Addi, did Meredith reply?"
"Yeah she did let's see what she has to say." Addison opened the email and started reading it. She knew Mark was behind her reading it also. "Oh." Addison and Mark said together. They looked at each other. "What do I say Mark?"
"You need to tell her it's ok if she brings him."
"What about Derek?"
"I'll tell him. Just reply to her and let her know it's ok. Maybe after he meets Derek and I he'll run away from her."
"Mark!"
"What? He needs to know that her brother isn't going to let her get hurt again and well Derek…"
"Mark it's our wedding."
"Relax Addi, I'll keep my eye on Derek."
"What do you have to keep your eye on me for?" Derek asked from the doorway.
"Derek you're home."
"Yeah Mark said something about going out tonight. So what do you have to keep your eye on me for?"
Mark looked to Addison for advice. "You better tell him now so he has some time to get use to the idea."
"What do I have to get use to?"
"Meredith's coming and…"
Derek cut him off with a smile. "I know it's only two more weeks."
"Derek. Meredith is coming and she is bringing her boyfriend." Mark watched his friends face drop. "His name is Erin."
"Oh."
"Yeah that's what we said."
"Mark!"
"Sorry. Come on Derek, let's go out for some drinks."
Derek disappeared from the doorway and Mark leaned down to give Addison a kiss. "Don't let him get too drunk Mark, you either. You both have a 48 hour shift starting tomorrow."
"I know Addi, we'll be ok. I'll see you later."
Mark and Derek left the apartment as Addison sent her reply to Meredith.
The next two weeks went by quickly. Addison finished everything for the wedding she was so excited. She knew that Mark and Derek had planned something but she didn't know what it was. Her guess was that it had to do with Meredith and she only hoped that it wouldn't make things worse between Derek and Meredith or that it wouldn't ruin her wedding.
Meredith finished finals but she was nervous about seeing them again, really about seeing him again. She rushed to finish packing knowing that Erin was going to be there soon. She quickly zipped up her suitcase and after saying goodbye to her roommate she left her room. Erin was waiting for her and they made their way to the airport.
Once again thank-you for your reviews! I promise things will get better for Meredith I just can't tell you exactly when. This chapter was a little hard for me to write, I'm not sure why but it was. I'm glad it's done and I hope it's not too bad. The next chapter Derek and Meredith are going to talk, I won't tell you how it will come out or what happens but I promise they will talk. I have one more thing planned for Meredith before she gets back to Seattle, maybe two but we will see what happens this next chapter when I start putting it on paper. Please remember if you have time, let me know what you think. Thank-you again for your support this far!
