Christmas. Santa Claus and Jesus Christ. One brings presents to good boys and girls. One brings salvation to good men and women. Confidence in the probability of a virgin birth approximately equal to the probability of a fat man with flying reindeer and a sleigh coming down the chimney. Statistical similarities are too unlikely to be coincidental. What do I get him? Sitting on her bed, back against the wall, River's mind circumnavigated its way to the question of what to buy Shepherd Book for the gift exchange. He was so sharply divided into dark and light. Windows of sunshine and cellars of ghosts. She knew there were things he wanted. Salvation, revenge, peace, love, death... the feelings tumbled through her, snowballing in intensity. She shook her head, holding it in her hands. No, don't think about it. Not things you can get him anyway. Must be physical. Must be tangible. She drew her legs up to her chest. It was so hard to separate what was real from what wasn't. She smelled flowers, tasted blooms on the air. No, that was in her mind again. But that meant Kaylee was near.
"River?" the mechanic poked her head into her room. "Hi. Thought I'd check and see if you needed any help gettin' a gift for the Shepherd." Kaylee was happy. Her sunshine burned away some of the clouds.
"Yes," River said, glad for Kaylee's presence, though unable to show it.
"Okay," Kaylee came in and sat down next to her on the bed. "Do you have any ideas yet?"
"His skin is dark, but his hair is white. The dichotomy is analogous to his philosophical state of being," River answered. Kaylee gave her a blank stare. She didn't understand. They never did. "I don't know what to get him," River said, turning away.
"Well, let's think a little bit, then. What are some things the Shepherd likes?"
"Praying," River answered immediately.
"Can't really buy him a prayer, but I don't think he'd mind if you said one for him."
"It doesn't matter. God doesn't listen anyway," she stated. Kaylee regarded her with a worried frown but moved on.
"Okay… well, what else can you think of?" River closed her eyes and tiptoed through the distorted minefield of her thoughts. She had to tread carefully. One wrong step would send her tumbling into oblivion. She recalled a time when the Shepherd was in the kitchen, towel thrown over his shoulder, and he was cooking up the most wonderful…
"Tastes," she said.
"What?"
"A place for his tastes," River reiterated.
"River, I don't… oh, oh!" Kaylee exclaimed, eyes alight with realization. "I get it! Hey, that's a great idea!" she beamed at River. It made her smile. "I'll betcha I could find that for you. There's gotta be somethin' like that 'round here someplace," Kaylee said, delighted, as she hopped off the bed. But River was frowning again. Gifts cost money. Money she did not have. She knew Kaylee would be more than willing to pay for her, but that would not be right. A gift from her, she should pay for it.
"I'll pay," she stopped Kaylee as the mechanic headed for the door.
"Huh?" Kaylee turned round.
"I'll pay. My gift," River repeated.
"River, sweetie, it's okay. I can take care of it." Kaylee was lying. She knew it.
"No," River shook her head adamantly. Everyone else can pay. I can too. Just need something of value. Trade or barter. Her sharp eyes darted around the room. She had nothing. She had come onto Serenity just like Jesus had, naked and in a box. And she had fled, fled like him into Egypt. Running from Herod. They had taken everything away… everything. She pressed her eyelids together and swallowed, clinging to the edge of sanity before she went tumbling into the abyss. When she opened her eyes, she was looking at the satin ballet slippers Simon had given her for her birthday just a week ago. She had not even used them yet. She was afraid to. Sometimes when she danced, she was dancing. Sometimes, it was not she who was moving her limbs. It wasn't safe. In any case, the slippers were worth something, enough to buy a gift for Book. Simon would be mad, but he had sold his Encyclopedia to get the captain a present. And Kaylee had sold her dress. Why should she not perform the same sacrifice?
She picked up the slippers and handed them to Kaylee.
"Take them."
"River, you can't sell those. Simon just bought them for your birthday."
"Won't use them. Too dangerous to dance in the dark," she muttered. "Preacher needs them more than I do."
"River…"
"Please," River pleaded openly. She needed to be able to do something on her own, to be in control at least a little bit. Otherwise… Kaylee bit her lip, unable to resist the girl's huge brown eyes.
"All right," she gave in.
"Thank you," River murmured, soft but genuinely. Kaylee took the slippers and walked out, moving a little uncertainly, but River knew the she would do as she was asked. Deep down, she felt a little regret that she had never felt the smooth touch of the satin to her feet, but she was doing something for someone else now. It made her feel good, kept the darkness a little more at bay. She could shine a little light on the Shepherd's Christmas day.
