Chapter 8
David followed his nose to the bad smell and found there Argus Filch having a slanging match with the two beautifully dressed and precious looking wizards who were making protests on the other side of the boggy bit of ground and it precarious looking stepping stones.
"Ar, well, perhaps we has hazards like this ter test the ingenuity of any visitors what arrive uninvited and unwanted!" Argus was saying "FACT finding mission you says, FAULT finding mission is what I says; account of how you ministry types was allus tryin' ter pull fault on Professor Dumbledore as is a great man and above the likes of you by so far you can't even comprehend it; ar, and you reckon that you can push Professor Fraser about now Professor Dumbledore is gone, and I'll tell you for a fact, that you can't. Professor Fraser is a great man too AS I can testify and as too could lots of deatheaters and werewolves if only they wasn't dead, which they are, account o' him. While you types slobbered and blubbered and wet your pants" he added viciously.
"Well I recognise Timothy Gregory" said David coming up beside Argus "Ravenclaw; year above me; stayed well out of the way while some of us fought the battle of Hogwarts. Dear me, Tim, I suppose now the law is going through that ministry of education employees have to work for a year in a school you must have come looking for a job; I'm sorry I can't oblige, Hogwarts has the highest standards you know and I have my duty to my pupils to provide them with at least ADEQUATE staff. Were you coming to see me?" he almost grinned when the Ravenclaw looked furious at being addressed by his first name and then called inadequate. Well it worked for Albus.
"We WERE coming to see the school – but this – this – THIS is in the way" said the older wizard.
"Dear me, so it is; there are stepping stones, however it appears for those who have not had the forethought to come in flying carriages" said David "Thoughtful of you to provide stones Argus when this phenomenon occurred."
"Ar, it were some o' the pupils kindly thought o' that" said Argus "Liddle Miss Lilith and her friends."
"Ah, of course; it would almost have to be" smiled David, promising himself a session with the Stripy Marauders when he had got rid of the ministry men "Do come over and take tea; I think I can make time for you, though as I said, it IS a wasted journey as I shan't be offering you jobs."
"We hadn't COME for jobs, Fraser, but to inspect you!" squalled Gregory.
"Oh, you've already done a year teaching?" asked David. Gregory scowled.
"Well no, but…"
"Oh, but NOTHING Tim; nobody is qualified to inspect a school who has never taught; nobody after all expects their animals to be inspected by someone without qualifications in care of magical beasts, do they?" he smiled genially "But do join me for tea anyway before you depart; don't be shy. You must have grown out of being a bit of a coward by your age, surely?"
The ministry men looked at the stepping stones with deep distrust; and Gregory threw caution to the winds and came on, holding his robes well up.
Naturally the noises the stones made were horrible and flatulent.
"Dear me, that DOES sound uncomfortable" murmured David "Did you want me to ask Poppy Pomfrey to find you a dose, Tim?"
"It was those stones!" squawked Gregory.
His companion followed more slowly with even worse noises as a result.
David wondered how it had been worked and resolved to ask later.
Argus was hiding a grin.
"I thought civilised folk said 'pardon me'" he said.
"But Argus, we're not dealing with civilised folk; they already identified themselves as being from the ministry" said David "NOT exactly class you know."
"The ministry can remove you, you know" said the older wizard.
"I'm so sorry – didn't catch your name – but if you've been told THAT I'm afraid you've been misinformed" said David smiling still "Only the governors can remove the headmaster; the ministry has a duty of care to youthful witches and wizards to be sure that the standards are maintained and to investigate any major irregularities – as well they should, though the interpretation of major seems to be defined of late by naughty attention seeking children writing anonymous letters – and to provide a standard exam for all subjects for all schools" said David. "Otherwise the employment of the staff is up to the governors; who are the sole owners of the school and have been since the reforms due to the irregularities caused by the ministry in trying to employ deatheaters in the school. SO sorry you've been so gull…er, misled."
The look that he was given was quite poisonous; and David beamed. That was how Albus played it; jocose and genial. It drove them half insane.
There was an intoxicating pleasure to this.
"My name is Wintringham, Fraser; and I have every right to make an inspection as my daughter is in the school" said the older one.
"Wintringham! inDEED!" said David "The father of Monica?"
"That's right" said the ministry man "You don't deny my right to inspect any more, I shouldn't think?"
"Oh actually I was thinking of getting in the aurors to have you arrested for child endangerment" said David softly "Monica Wintringham was abandoned by her father, as was her little sister, leading to the situation where the little girls were being interfered with by a clever pervert who played their abandoned and shocked mother like a fish; your thirteen year old daughter is NOT pregnant, but NO credit to you who left her and her sister and their mother. If you think I'm letting you anywhere near a little girl who's already been shocked and traumatised and who sobbed all over me that if her dad hadn't left for some piece of office totty – my description not hers but her words were not hard to translate – then you can think again. In fact, if the pair of you aren't back over those stepping stones and on your way off the school premises by the time I count ten, I will see you off; and I assure you, Tim will tell you that you will not enjoy the experience."
"He bites!" said Gregory in very real fear, turning to flee.
"What? A sure sign of unfitness to be a headmaster, it's most unnatural for a man to bite…."
"But not a dog" said David, who had been seeking for the skill to speak in animagus form from that part of him that was blood bound to a rakshasa; and he had changed.
Wintringham followed Gregory in an incontinent and flatulent flight across the stepping stones in fear of the big black dire-like dog.
"Bloody nuisances" said Argus with a spit "Get Hagrid out with his crossbow I say."
"Tempting" said David who had returned to his human form "But, I fear, a trifle impolitic. Interesting, is it not, how often the children with inadequate parents turn out to have parents working in the ministry; especially the ministries of education or regulation of under age magic. Something inherently childish in them perhaps."
"Flogging?" suggested Argus, grinning. It was a joke now.
David sighed and gazed at the bog.
"Did you know about this er, phenomenon in advance?" he asked
"Ar, them liddle kids suggested some way to keep ministry types out" said Argus "Clever idea if you arsts me."
"MMmmm" said David.
He stopped by the Ancient Runes class where Lilith and most of her cronies were to be found until break to catch them as they emerged that he might say,
"My office before lunch."
It may be said that the Stripy Marauders were in no wise abashed during DADA after break; they expected to be caught at some point.
oOoOo
"So you persuaded Argus Filch that it was a defence against the dark – er, against the ministry" said David.
"The bog of very long lasting stench? Yes" said Lilith "It's a perfect anti-ministry thing because we thought they were BOUND to hassle a new headmaster but the ministry's too mean to pay for flying horses to send them so they'd probably catch the train and then have to walk and they really don't like things that are unsavoury" she came up briefly for air "Whereas proper sorts of visitors like the governors come by flying carriage and won't notice nor the pupils because we use thestrals so isn't it just perfect?"
"Can Archie Trumball get his landie through it?" asked David.
Lilith considered.
"It's about three or four feet deep – I think – so probably, because he does have a snorkel; but he always comes across the quidditch pitch anyway except in summer when it's the cricket pitch too. Then he goes round but he still doesn't use the drive."
"Very well; you may leave it there to see how long lasting it is; and you can all write me eight inches on how you did it and how you got the stepping stones to make their er, interesting aural effects."
Lilith beamed.
"THAT was the tricky bit! We tied two bubble charms together, one that was permeable with preferential permeability from outside to inside to the gasses that are in the marsh so they fill up gradually; and the other one to act like the hydraulic joints in spider knees so when you stand on the stone it compresses the first bubble gently, pressing on the second bubble which, being permeable outwards under pressure, releases its gasses in a big smelly bubble with appropriate noises. We thought that if it was just one bubble the stone's weight on it might actually burst it. Fairly sophisticated, isn't it?"
David marvelled again at the degree of sophistication this small girl managed; and the aplomb with which she mixed and matched muggle science and magic.
"Fascinating" he said "Which in no wise gets you out of writing it up."
"Oh no sir" beamed Lilith "But I knew you were just itching to know and it would have been unbecoming to the dignity of the headmaster to ask."
David decided not to point out that it was also unbecoming to the dignity of the headmaster to be second guessed and to have that cheerfully spoken about.
"Go and have your lunch you pernicious princes and princesses of the land of stench" he said.
They went.
"That could have been much, much worse" said Sextus.
"Yes; he could have made us fill it in" said Kazrael "Crumbs, Lilith HOW you can talk; almost made it sound virtuous!"
Lilith grinned.
"I know David Fraser very well; he's kinda sorta almost my big brother" she said "And I know that he's as fascinated as me to know just how long it really IS going to last."
"Until the collecting charms on the loos fail I suppose" said Venus.
"Or until the bog dries up in summer, and if the charms are still holding we'll have to cancel them because a smelly bog is one thing but smelly dry land is something else" said Lilith.
"EEUW!" said Jayashree "It'd smell like Calcutta!"
"Any money on it, how long the swamp lasts?" suggested Gennar.
"You goblin git, it is NOT a subject for wager, it's a scientific and thaumoturgic experiment" said Lilith loftily. "Besides, once you start putting numbers onto things you invite the quantums in."
"What are quantums?" asked Jayashree.
"Things muggles use to confuse people and invent ways of breaking experiments" said Lilith; which so far as she could understand was about the main use of quantum physics.
"Oh like chizpurfles" said Venus.
Lilith brightened.
"That would explain a very great deal 'bout computers and how they work" she said. "Especially as a lot of the time they don't, not properly; because with high levels of quantums, weird things that nobody can predict can happen so they crash."
"None of us has much of an idea what you're talking about, shortstuff" said Sextus.
"No, nor have I" admitted Lilith candidly "I can WORK computers but like Oddball says in 'Kelly's Heroes', I don't know what makes them go!"
oOoOo
The Stripy Marauders did have some complaints about their bog when the third were permitted their first trip into Hogsmeade and had to cross by the flatulent stepping stones; mostly from Roxanne Shacklebolt and Hubert McLaggan.
"You're such a little girl, McLaggan" said Lilith, jumping from one stone to another with enough force to ensure a juicy mud fart each time.
"Maybe as the self-confessed most talented in the class, McLaggan, you should just fly" said Sextus, proceeding to do so himself, Lilith having taught them all.
McLaggan stared.
"You can't do that! It's impossible!" he declared.
"Whoops, I must have just imagined it then!" laughed Sextus "C'mon halfpint; Ethel Portree's sweetie shack awaits!"
It may be said that some of the older members of the school went cross country round the bog, dodging rapidly past the whomping willow and crossing the railway line illegally where there was no crossing.
"You and your lot are a pain sometimes Snape" said Sampta Patil.
"You really WANT to have the school full of idiot ministry creeps who think they can browbeat and bully our headmaster?" said Lilith "they must learn that he is a colonel in ze SS not some leutnant …. Never mind, muggle cultural reference."
"You talk a lot of rot too" said Sampta amicably.
"True. Fancy some quaffle practice later to hone you up for the match against Durmstrang?" said Lilith "And I say, what's wrong with using brooms to cross the bog of very long lasting stench?"
"Nothing; I just never though of it. Why didn't you?"
"I like making rude noises and Sec likes making McLaggan make spluttering noises" said Lilith cheerfully.
There was an indisputable logic in that. Sampta left off asking stupid questions. She only got stupid – if utterly logical – answers.
"So what exams are you taking this year?" asked Sampta.
"Three OWLs and three NEWTs" said Lilith "I talked very fast. I'm taking Enchanting, Herbology and Muggle Studies at OWL and I don't feel I know enough about any other OWL subjects yet that I haven't done, or I don't have the maturity; if I wrote a history paper f'rexample it would sound childish because my understanding and perceptions on history are too immature. So I thought I'd just have fun and do Arithmancy, Potions and Ancient Runes to NEWT because they're all nice and easy."
"Look here Snape, I might have got over you being a genius but that IS the sort of talk to make people who don't think them easy want to kill you a little bit" said Sampta with great restraint. "You're my mascot; and I must say I'm sorry you won't be taking Arithmancy beside me next year."
"You don't need a mascot; your mascot is hard work and natural talent" said Lilith. "I say, if I help you with your Arithmancy revision next year will you help me with Divination? It's not something that comes to me naturally – beyond the normal sort of hunches anyone might have – so it's frustrating because you can't pull a good grade out of the bag purely by application and hard work like you can with almost every other subject."
"You can get a fair grade though; I'm not gifted but I've learned to let my mind stand aside from my conscious thoughts; Madam Spikenard says that nine tenths of Divination is having the talent to let your subconscious add up clues you don't actually realise you're getting and the other tenth is actual foresight and remembering into the future."
"Crumbs, that's cool" said Lilith. "I'll try that then; it kind of favours people who aren't at home half the time then?"
"People who are good at Divination often are a bit dippy in other respects" said Sampta "I have to work quite hard to switch off my brain; people like that Hazel Spikenard who's a true seer don't have one to switch off."
"Miao" said Lilith cheerfully. "Mind you, outside of the Pepperingye Marauders that year really is the dippiest!"
"Yes; I'm waiting with malicious anticipation for Kettleburn and Ogden to have a fight on the edge of your bog over who gets to use the stones first and both fall in."
"That WOULD be rather delicious" said Lilith "Unless it makes the Head make us fill it in; he said we could keep it as a ministry trap to see how long it actually lasted under its own unadulterated steam only if people abuse our bog he might regretfully decide to shut it down. He's already had mileage out of it with two ministry types; Mr Filch told me all about it" said Lilith and proceeded to pass on how Wintringham and Gregory had been routed. Sextus had already shared it with Monica who declared that was another favour she owed the Stripy Marauders for making her dad look stupid. Or rather stupider because he'd already proved himself to be stupid by divorcing her mum to marry some hard faced office broom who jilted him for a richer one right before the wedding.
More people approved of the bog of long lasting stench than disapproved!
oOoOo
The Bog of long lasting stench was soon displaced in the minds of the school by the unfortunate disasters of Nancy 'Pustule' Dippet; who, in brewing hair raising potion, managed to not only raise her hair but to detach it entirely and see it float inexorably to the ceiling. Nancy, as bald as a cue ball, promptly had hysterics, which was a rare occurrence for the child who was generally down to earth and philosophical about her potion problems and brown thumb. Constance Hardbroom, totally perplexed, sent Lavazka Black Weasley to borrow Lilith Snape from Enchanting to see if the little girl had any idea what to do about the detached hair.
"Lumme, Pustule, you HAVE surpassed yourself" said Lilith when viewing the floating scalp. "I say, that's kinda almost rather clever in a way, you've taken just enough scalp off to hold it all together without actually hurting yourself; if you could make it a rubbing potion it'd make a mint for big people to use under their arms or on hairy legs."
"I say, do you think so?" said Nancy, brightening.
"Rather; selective depilatories are always in great demand" said Lilith. "Don't throw it away; if Great Aunt Connie will let us work on it together I can help you out."
"I WISH you wouldn't call me…. Oh never mind" said Connie "Can you put it back?"
Lilith cast the revellaspell.
"Ooer" she said "It has sort of rather got to be put back before the potion runs out or it might not re-attach" she said "I think it needs a chant; I might end up leaving it not raised any more though Pustule, sorry."
"I don't care; I just want my hair back" said Nancy.
"Scary hairy quite contrary, isn't fair on the unwary; chip-chop chip-chop back on the head!" chanted Lilith, dancing round Nancy several times and guiding the hair down with her wand to carefully line up on Nancy's head, whereupon she continued to dance and chant until she was certain it was growing in place again.
"THANK you!" said Nancy.
"Yes, thank you Miss Snape" said Connie.
"You're welcome!" said Lilith cheerfully.
She thought the use of twenty three syllables quite self evident and marvelled that Great Aunt Connie had needed anyone to help her; but if she could do what Connie could not she was more than willing to help.
oOoOo
It was fortunate that Nancy's hair was back on, thought Connie, and a less stressful class – the fourth – in progress when the Ministry Inspector arrived.
The inspector was ancient Madam Marchbanks who arrived by flying carriage and took tea first with David asking him what sort of nonsense those silly boys ,had been spouting about not being able to inspect the school.
"I am NOT, Madam Marchbanks, about to permit those with insufficient authority to march through the school upsetting my pupils" said David. "They had neither of them the required experience as teachers as is now required in law; therefore they were not qualified as inspectors. And too they had, apparently, intended to arrive quietly and start poking about without any by your leave; MOST irregular and reprehensible, especially since Draco Malfoy is investigating the older one to see whether there is any case to answer of him actually pimping his juvenile daughters to the man who had been interfering with them."
This had been Draco's idea to make Wintringham even more miserable for some revenge over what his desertion had put his little girls through; murmuring that it wasn't the answers that did the damage but the questions. As the questions started not with queries into whether he had known Foster but with the unanswerable 'how much did Foster pay you for pimping your daughters to him' Wintringham was NOT happy.
Madam Marchbanks sipped her tea.
"It's not entirely fair, David my boy; there has not been much time for those at the ministry of education to have spent time teaching."
"It's more than a year since the law was brought in; ample time for them to have done their year teaching; or at least to have shown willing with a term at least" said David grimly "They do not INTEND to comply; either that, or they can't get teaching posts because they're too incompetent to teach and so the only feasible employer is the ministry which seems, so far as I have seen as schoolboy and teacher, to employ idiots only, at least in the department of Education – examiners excepted, of course; one has to have a level of competency to examine" he added dryly. "They used the office to try to cause Albus trouble because they were afraid of him; and now they want to use the change of Head to attempt to wrest back control of the school by attempting to browbeat me because I'm young. They have forgotten I think that I bear the zig-zag scar and have ALWAYS been Albus', Severus', and Harry's man."
"You could be right at that" said Madam Marchbanks. "Dear me, what we academics miss in the normal daily round of backbiting in the ministry! More than a year – I'm sorry my dear boy, I hadn't noticed how time had flown. Actually, I'd say that no attempt has been made to have ministry staff emplaced as teachers; I shall make a report on THAT to the Council. I, however, have taught; admittedly only in a temporary post at a time when poor Galatea Merrythought was ill – a MOST unfortunate encounter she had with a werewolf – and though DADA was not my strongest subject I believe I fulfilled the post adequately enough. Even if I did tend towards transfigurational solutions in my teaching; a trend I understand popular with many of the pupils here, to turn dark wizards into stone for storage and subsequent retrieval for questioning."
"Since my time as a pupil but it does seem an eminently versatile way of dealing with enemies" said David "One I'd encourage. I understand we've also had pupils using Piertotem locomotor from the second year except that they used the muggle incantation in the film made to cover the large scale use of the spell during the second Muggle World War. There are some creative youths at Hogwarts."
"Indeed yes; I stopped to observe the remarkably smelly bog that so upset those two" said Griselda Marchbanks "Ingenious bit of work; combining a number of disciplines I'd say."
"Please take one of the essays I had from the perpetrators as an imposition" said David, handing her Lilith's copy "Remarkably sophisticated for third years; I must say I left it in place to see how long it would endure rather than to specifically discommode members of the ministry; that's just an added advantage. I liked the noisy stepping stones and their careful construction particularly."
Madam Marchbanks was scanning through Lilith's essay with the swiftness of a skilled examiner busily looking for key points.
"Beautiful piece of work" she agreed "I can see why you're loath to let it be brought to a finish without seeing how long lasting it is; if it doesn't dry out in the summer, if they've made no mistake on their gas engulfing charms – dear me, how incongruous it is that small children should be simultaneously so sophisticated and yet so scatological – I can't actually see it ever running out. It appears to be quite self sustaining; using digging charms to hit the water table as well as using paluster to make a bog…..ingenious! I had my coachman walk over the stepping stones to test them; I am not steady enough on my feet these days, alas, so I had to enjoy them vicariously. He indulges my little whims" she added, smiling. "However, as I was saying, I HAVE taught, so the ministry has asked me to make an inspection and produce a report on how well you are handling the school. And in my opinion the END of term would have been a better time to assess than the beginning."
"And, moreover, is none of their business" said David "How I handle the school is between me and the governors; NOT the ministry, unless there are major irregularities or the general level of academic achievement drops dramatically during my tenure. When they have the right to ask the governors what they mean by continuing to employ me. This is a private school; as much as is Prince Peak. And the ministry does NOT go poking around there."
"More probably THAT is because they fear Severus and dear Krait; they recall that she is Voldemort's daughter" said Madam Marchbanks.
David grinned.
"Care to frighten them by telling them that the bog was the concept and work of Voldemort's granddaughter? That they could not circumvent the work of a little girl who is only eleven years old? That they really want to worry when she comes into her true powers?"
"Dear me, how very tempting!" said Madam Marchbanks. "I believe I might just mention it in passing; you will permit me to inspect anyway?"
"Certainly, Madam Marchbanks; YOU have the needs and welfare of the pupils at heart. You'll be seeing more of Lilith in her examinations too; she's taking another three NEWTs this year, what she calls the easy ones, Arithmancy, Potions and Ancient Runes; and I couldn't argue because she's been brewing felix since she was six years old, knows more about Arithmancy than anyone except Septima herself and I suspect she probably knows more about runes than Lucius."
"What has the child run out of OWLs already?" asked Madam Marchbanks.
"No; but some subjects came new to her and she has the maturity to realise that she has insufficient maturity to write ably in History" said David "She's taking some OWLs as well. It keeps her occupied; and she's a merry child, full of mischief with no real vice; and she knows how to enjoy life."
"What of HIS son? He started this year, did he not? I wonder if it is a combined fear of how the boy may turn out with an inexperienced headmaster as well that has the ministry wanting to get involved? That they fear you will not be able to prevent a second Voldemort?"
David snorted.
"Then they are more imbecilic than I already believe them to be" he said "And if this is the case it'll be the first time they HAVE taken notice of a potential problem instead of sticking their heads in the sand; oh but wait, they only take notice of spurious problems so I suppose that runs true to form. Apparently they do not take any notice of what moulded Tom Riddle into Voldemort. Salazar Gaunt-Moody has a stable home background with a very able step father who's about as good as anyone can be at sniffing out dark wizards. If they think any trace of the Gaunt madness is going to get past old 'Constant Vigilance' himself they must have abandoned imbecility for serious forays into more than usually moronic ineptitude!"
"I can tell you were trained by Severus" said Madam Marchbanks dryly. "You should be aware by now that fear robs most people of logic and common sense."
"People who have any influence over the care of children did not ought to be drawn from those of such limited ability that they permit themselves to panic" said David uncompromisingly "Their duty is to retain their heads even if all around them are losing theirs."
"Speaking of which, is the rumour that nearly headless Nick has his head back on really true?" demanded Madam Marchbanks.
"Oh, yes! Lydia Snape sorted it out; asked if he preferred to be entirely headless or to have it solidly attached" said David "I gather Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore and friends made a noisy fuss so Lydia and friends splinched them all and apparated the pieces to enough disparate places that it will take them some years to rejoin themselves together. I wish I'd seen it; but I heard about it from Nick."
"Dear me! And to think of between her and Jade I always thought Lydia the quieter and less talented of the two!"
"She is" said David "But not by a great deal!"
oOoOo
Madam Marchbanks duly inspected the school, chatted to sundry pupils, heard Lilith described variously as an absolute darling and an interfering stuck up bitch – McLaggan had a ticking off for his language over that – and was invited on a picnic by the Stripy Marauders just because Lilith liked the elderly witch. Lilith conjured up a fey-formed invisible chair for Madam Marchbanks to sit in on the moor – the rest of them sat on the ground after using Parseltongue to politely ask any adders to depart – and explained that if she concentrated it would conform exactly to her shape to be comfier.
It was even more comfortable than the chair David had summoned when he was Head Boy; and Madam Marchbanks sighed happily.
Lilith was a great witch already; and nobody need have any fears that a child who had so much thoughtfulness would turn to darkness. Griselda Marchbanks recalled Tom Riddle very well; he was a youth who was always ready with conjured flowers for a lady, but he would never have thought about something so mundane as a comfortable seat!
