A/N: Here I am with what is probably the largest chapter to date. This one is real dozy, and pretty much explains everything about Natsume. Also, this is the very first chapter that has her perspective in first person, and will probably be the only one that does this. Anyway, because this is so long, its hard to find and fix mistakes, so I hope you don't be too hard on me. Also, enjoy the poem at the beginning, I'm not sure where I come up with this stuff. One last thing, Lyrical of The Dead is halfway done, I'll have the second chapter soon (for all the those who also read that story). Anyway, thanks for reading, and don't hate Natsume too much .
- Kode-Dekka
The path of love
it is a difficult, ruthless, thorn laced road
awash with the blood of those who have failed
salted by those who have succeeded
Those who dare walk such a path
are they brave?
What of those who rush across it
are they foolish?
And what of those who crawl?
Who endure every hardship
ingest every poison
withstand every pain
would you call them strong?
For someone who has chosen this path
rushed head first into the dangers of it
endured all the suffering that comes
and crawled, and limped, and dragged their way to the end of this bloody road
what would you call such a creature?
That's simple.
One who chooses the most dangerous path
one who endures and withstands the greatest pains
one who seeks speedy indulgence
all for the sake of love
we call that creature
"Human"
Lyrical Girls A's
VIII
"Please wait here for a second, I'll be quick." Natsume told us as she retreated to her room, leaving us in her living room, alone, in a house that seemed to be devoid of warmth. When she was gone, Fate looked in my direction.
"What do you think she'll tell us?"
"I don't know Fate-chan, but I'm worried." The image from earlier was still fresh in my mind. Suzuka leading Alisa away from a classroom. Natsume, alone, on her knees, tears running down her face as she held her cheek and smiled at us. At that time, her eyes seemed to empty, as if there was nothing but darkness inside, it was unsettling.
In any case, Natsume returned very swiftly, wearing nothing but a white bathrobe. "Sorry for the wait." Her tone was flat, emotionless.
"Natsume-chan, why are you wearing a robe?" Both Fate and I blushed, confused. However, she smiled at us, and it seemed to be genuine.
"I thought it would be easier." Right then she undid the robe and dropped it, revealing her bare skin to us.
The sight of her body was horrifying. Going all the way down her chest, her arms and legs, were dark burns. Also noticeable, were a sequence of dark circles running down her arms in strips. "Disgusting, isn't it?"
"Ah- N-No, Natsume-chan..." Her smile deepened.
"Its okay, I'm well aware of how revolting my body is, there's no need to hold back, not anymore." Fate and I stared at her in disbelief, unable to say anything, like our tongues had been ripped from our mouths. "Sorry, I'm so stupid. Here." She put the robe back on, chuckled and sat down across from us. "Now, I suppose I should explain, that is why I called the two of you here."
"Natsume-chan-" She raised her hand at me.
"Please, just listen, Nanoha-chan..." I nodded, and Fate, who seemed to still be in shock, gulped. "Thank you." She drew in a breath, exhaling it softly. "If you're going to understand what happened today, I'll have to go back, all the way to the beginning, to that time, three years ago..." The smile on her face faded into a frown, her eyes became full of sorrow. "Nanoha-chan, Fate-chan, I want you to know, after you hear what I have to say, you'll probably hate me."
"Natsume-chan, there's no way that would happen." I meant that from the bottom of my heart, nothing would change, no matter she told us.
"You're far too kind, but I don't hate that about you." The smile returned. "Okay, lets get started, shall we?"
Once again, father has come into my room, and entered my bed. Knowing that I was awake – not that it would have stopped him if I was asleep – he tore away the blanket that was protecting me, and my clothes followed, revealing my white skin to him.
Just like always, he did whatever he pleased. He probed me with his fingers, and other things. He examined every inch of me, and split me in two when he was done playing around.
I put up no resistance, I was through doing so, it was fruitless, and would only serve to get me beaten. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, so I did what any good little girl would do, and remained quiet, allowing my supposed father to violate me again.
My mind was blank as he entered and retracted from me, repeating his actions in a rhythm. Eventually it was over, as thankfully, much like his temper, he was quick at what he did. Afterward he pulled from me, igniting a cigarette, blowing the smoke into my face whenever he could.
My thoughts came back, though they were mostly vague, and not even I could understand them. I was still, not moving, not letting anything show on my face. In this moment, I was more of a doll than a human being, and I certainly felt that way.
Once father finished with the death stick, he did the same as always, and put it out on my arm, since there was no ash tray around, except for my body. It burned, but I didn't even flinch anymore when he did it, and I certainly didn't scream anymore, as it would only incite his rage.
When he got bored of me, he left my room, which allowed me to be alone, and now I could sort out my thoughts.
I hated him, despised him, from the bottom of my heart. However, if there was anyone else that I hated more, it was my mother, who was now standing in the doorway, watching me. She never said anything anymore, and never came to comfort me. Now, she just stood there all the time, looking at me with empty eyes, devoid of any kind of happiness or light. She did it until I fell asleep, and I'm sure she stayed even after that, but she was always gone before I woke up, so I know that she didn't stay the whole night.
She was the person I hated the most, because she was the one who stood there and allowed it to happen, never raising a voice of protest. Right now, she was not my mother; that person, who stood there while I was being raped, was not my mother, that person died a long time ago.
Once I severed those ties to my parents, now that I only thought of them as strangers, it became easier to deal with the pain. Nothing would ever make the agony go away, but at the very least, I haven't yet broken from it.
School was a complete bore. I hardly even paid attention, only doing so when I was called upon. I was sure that I wouldn't even make it to middle school, but I didn't really care; much like the feeling in my body when being violated, my heart had also numbed. This wasn't an entirely bad thing, it was useful when you were being bullied, like I was.
At lunch, a group of girls, the usual bunch, took me to one of the bathrooms, vacating it with threats. Then they dumped my things, crushed them under their feet, hit me, called me names, the usual things, which had become boring over time. Apparently, they didn't like my "cool" attitude, to them it looked like I was pretending to be tough, when in reality I couldn't even muster the enthusiasm to be hurt by their torture.
And so, another day passed, and I came closer to the relief of death.
On the way home from school that day, I had a revelation.
"Why don't I just kill myself?" It would have been easy, there were a number of ways; I could hang myself, drown myself, tear open my veins, even throw myself in front of a train, or off a building. I had no reason to live, there was no valid reason as to why I shouldn't kill myself.
Because of those deep thoughts, I ended up tripping on something, falling flat on my face. It didn't hurt, but even so I was slow to react, and only moved because someone was there in front of me.
"Are you alright?" A gentle, yet somewhat crude voice called out to me, forcing my head up, where I gazed upon an angel. That was the first time I saw Alisa Bannings, and it was the turning point of my life. "Hey, I asked if you were alright, don't tell me you cracked your head or something?"
"No, I'm fine." I don't know why I even replied to her, but when I did she smiled, offering her hand to me.
"Good, come on, lets get you to your feet." I was hesitant, for good reason. Never before, at least not for a long time, has anyone showed me a smile like that, or given me such kindness. Slowly, I put my arm up, raising it cautiously. "Geez." She reached out and grabbed it, pulling me up as best she could. Finally putting strength into my legs, I was brought to my feet, face to face with this strange girl. "You can let go of me now, ya know." I realized I was still holding her hand.
"Sorry." I said in a flat voice, but oddly enough, I felt warm somewhere, I think it was my heart.
Some girls passed by us, they snicked at me and said something I didn't hear. I just lowered my eyes to the ground, sick already of their games. "Hey, ya look kinda depressed, something wrong?" When I saw that she was looking at me so intensely, I found my face getting hot. Am I... blushing...? I wouldn't know, because it has never happened before. The warmth in my heart was also spreading out.
She studied me, and then looked at the girls who passed us, they were looking this way as well, but quickly turned their heads. "Is it them? Are they picking on you or something?"
"If you want to call it that." I said in response. She scanned my face, which was still probably emotionless.
"Why don't you say something, if someone's messing with you, fight back."
"..." I didn't say anything this time. Right now I was concentrating on her features, which were becoming more beautiful by the second.
"Fine, if you wont say anything to them, I will." I didn't know it at the time, but Alisa was the type who hated bullies the most, which makes sense since she used to be one herself.
She made a move to go, and started walking toward the three girls. For some reason, I reached and grabbed her arm, stopping her. "Let go, I'm going to teach them a lesson." I shook my head.
"No, its enough already. Thank you." I didn't want her to beat them up, or yell at them, it was enough that she was thinking about me, it was enough that she was treating me with kindness. "Thank you..." I said again in a whisper.
She stopped trying to pursue the girls, and I let go of her, feeling very conflicted. "Whatever. Anyway, you can't let people walk over you, you gotta stand up to them, alright?" I nodded, she smiled, my stomach did a flip, which was even more unusual.
I heard a buzzing noise, so did she, it was coming from her pocket. She reached inside, pulling out a cellphone and flipping it open. "Sorry, I gotta go. Maybe I'll see you around, um..."
"Natsume, my name is Natsume." She nodded.
"I'm Alisa. Anyway, see ya, Natsume." She waved and ran off, leaving me alone on that street.
"See ya, Natsume..." I echoed when she was gone, wanting to hear those gentle words again. My face was still hot, so was my heart, it was kind of pleasant, I even smiled, my first real smile in a long time. Suddenly, a sense of longing overcame me.
I want to see her. Even though I only just met her, and our meeting ended just a minute ago, I wanted to see this girl again, no matter what.
That moment was probably the first time I had ever fallen in love, and it was definitely the first time since I was a small child, that I had experienced anything other than despair.
Which is exactly why it couldn't last forever.
This night was the last one of my troubled life. I was in bed, thinking about Alisa. It had been four days since our meeting, and I have not run into her again. She was the only thing I thought about now, ever since that time my mind has been plagued with thoughts of her. Her body, her voice, everything about her, it filled my heart.
That night, was the very first time I pleasured myself while thinking of her. It happened all of a sudden, and when it did, I couldn't stop my fingers from moving. When it was over, I was a sweaty mess, and my hand, wet from my juices.
I couldn't have had worse timing. My father came in about a minute after, ready to get down to business again. This time, I wasn't in the mood... rather, I no longer wanted to let him have his way with me. I think it was Alisa, she showed me kindness and warmth, and I didn't want to go back to the dark world that I came from.
That's why, this time, I resisted him when he forced his way over me. Looking at him in defiance, even as he beat me, I didn't let him soil my body easily this time without putting up a fight. It hurt, his fists hitting me, his penis thrusting into me, it all hurt, but I endured, because I had Alisa's face to keep me strong.
Not once did I yield to him, even when it was over. Like always he left, and mom stood in the doorway, watching me with a blank expression. This time, I glared at her, she backed away, leaving me.
I was alone. I wanted to call this a triumph, but in reality, all I did was go back to where I started. Even if I resisted, I would still be assaulted, nothing would change, no matter how much I glared.
I thought of something suddenly, what Alisa told me. She said I had to stand up for myself, and fight back. She was right, if I laid docile, nothing would happen, but if I fought... maybe, just maybe, I might be able to do something about my fate.
Something else came to mind then, a truly terrible thought, one of the darker things that before tonight, I would not have given the time of day. But now, when I was alone, and in pain, it seemed almost, logical in a way.
Alisa's words gave me some reassurance in these thoughts, I even smiled at the thought of it. It was simple, all along I didn't need to do anything special to end my suffering. If my parents were going to keep torturing me, then I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I just had to kill them.
It was so simple, it almost made me laugh. What better way is there to solve a problem, than to get rid of the source? But even though I've figured out that much, I didn't know how I was going to pull it off. Both my parents were stronger than I was, even my mom wouldn't just sit there and let me kill her.
In frustration I pounded my head, which led to another realization. My arms, they had been riddled with cigarette burns; this gave me my answer.
I waited, late into the night. I needed to wait until my father was asleep before I made my move, luckily for me, he was a heavy sleeper. Around 4 in the morning, I went through with my plan. First, I snuck into my parents room, and took my father's lighter. Then I shut their door, and sealed it with various pieces of furniture, including a table. There was no window in that room, so now, they had no way of escaping.
Next I took some cooking oil, rubbing alcohol, and every other dangerous substance I could find. I dumped everything, pouring all the liquids at the base of their door. Finally, I set the fire, which soon grew into a wonderful cloud of hell.
The smoke came first, then the screams when my parents were woken by the smoke alarms. I stood there, watching the door and everything inside burn, though I couldn't see them, which was a shame. I ignored their pleas, and watched the bright flames in amazement. Eventually, their cries faded away.
I even sat down, and then laid flat on my back, waiting for the fire to consume me as well. With this it would end, we would all die, and my suffering would be over.
Alisa wouldn't allow that though. Her face suddenly appeared, and her voice, telling me to get up, asking me not to just lay there. It was strange, and I thought perhaps I was going crazy... crazier. "Come on, get up, Natsume." Her voice filled me up with warmth, her light and kindness made my face hot.
And now, all of a sudden, I didn't want to die. I... want to see you...
If I died here, then that would never happen again, it wouldn't even be a possibility. This girl, she did something to me, she made me feel things that I've done felt before, and I wanted to live, so that I could explore that feeling.
"Alisa, I.. want to live, I want to see you!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. By now the fire had spread all over the house, but that didn't stop me, even when the flames burned my legs. I rushed into my room for the last time, just to gather one thing, a stuffed animal, from a time long forgotten, when things were happy. I jumped into the room, grabbed it, and when I got out, the fire had sealed off every exit. Still, she pursued the flames, all the way to the entrance, and pounded against the door, searing her arms, her chest, all of her body became burned by the heat.
Her last resort was to turn the knob, and as hot as it was, she quickly did so, finding the skin of her palm torched afterward. She flew through the frame, onto the lawn, exhausted, barely able to breath through the smoke that had filled her lungs.
By the time the fire department came, the house was mostly destroyed, so when they put it out, nothing was left, except the charred remains of my parents.
"No one ever found out, that I piled all those things in front of the door, because they had long since been reduced to ashes. I killed my parents, and afterward, spent some time in the hospital due to my burns. I was then adopted by my aunt and uncle who owned this dojo, where I took up the martial arts. When I finally attended middle school, I found you guys, I found Alisa, who even now, I still love, more than anyone else. On that day, if she hadn't been there, if she hadn't treated me with kindness, I might not have ever had the courage to kill them, and I'm sure I eventually would have taken my own life, that's why I'm forever grateful to her."
Natsume exhaled a long breath, "Today, I assaulted her." My eyes widened, so did Fate's. "I couldn't hold back my feelings for her anymore, and finally attacked her. Suzuka stopped me, and I'm thankful for that as well, because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Alisa."
She looked at us, her eyes emptier than before. "I'm sorry for telling you all this, I'm sure it was unpleasant. If you hate me now, I understand."
I couldn't say anything. I wanted to tell her that it was alright, but how could I say that? She killed her parents, and assaulted Alisa. Even if she was pushed to murder her parents, she doesn't feel remorse for it, not even in the slightest. I didn't know what to do, because she was my friend, so now I was confused.
"Nanoha, you don't have to answer, I get it. Actually, I have a favor to ask."
"W-What is it?" I felt my voice shaking, Fate took my hand to calm me, but even then I felt a little afraid.
"Please, don't talk to me anymore. When you see Alisa and Suzuka, tell them the truth, tell them everything about me, so that they wont bother with me again, I don't want any more regrets with them." I wanted to protest, but right now my mind was in turmoil, so I nodded. "Thank you, Nanoha. Even though I kind of dislike you, I'm glad that you were my friend."
Natsume then rose to her feet, towering over us. "Now, could I ask you two to leave, and never come back?" Reluctantly, we nodded, and left Natsume alone. When we left, and on the way home, I started crying, not for myself, but for the girl we just left behind, who had suffered, more than anyone else.
"Its all over now, I have no more regrets." Natsume retreated to her room, laying down on her bed. She looked over to her dresser, where a small, shinny blade rested. "Tomorrow, I'll end it all tomorrow." And she continued to stare at it, even when her guardians returned, and all into the night, until she fell asleep.
Hayate found herself all alone. Everyone was gone, on errands, or part-time jobs. She sat in front of the TV, watching an amusing program about animals.
That was interrupted by a sudden new alert. "... another attack by the mysterious group of serial muggers..." She was captivated, but not really in the mood, and was about to change the channel, which the news station showed a somewhat blurry picture of one of the suspects, taken by an anonymous person.
It was Vita. It was a little hard to tell at first, but Hayate would never mistake the girl for anyone else.
"Vita-chan... why...?" Suddenly, her heart started to hurt, and began throbbing painfully. She clutched her chest, but nothing could stop the pain. She knew what was coming, and it scared her. "Please... someone..."
The door opened, just as Hayate felt out of her wheelchair, hitting the floor loudly.
"Hayate!"
A/N: I feel tired. Also, in Chapter 5, I made a note that Natsume didn't really mean to kill anyone, obviously that isn't the case. Originally, I wanted more people to die, some of them being accidentally killed by the fire, but it didn't happen that way, so now that part makes no sense. Anyway, for all those who remember, it has since been removed, so the logic error has been averted. Anyway, thank you again for reading this horrid chapter.
