A/N: this chapter is a FLASHBACK, please don't get confused. It contains SELF HARM, you have been warned. Also, some Puck/Quinn sex and a bit of cussing. Sorry for the long wait, things have been hectic. Review and let me know what you think... pretty please with cherries on top!?
Rachel loved the fact that her room was soundproof. She could scream as loud as she wanted with nobody hearing.
She watched her fathers leave the house from her window. A few minutes later she dug out the little bag from under her bed. It contained what she needed at that moment.
School was terrible that day. Rachel got slushied four times in twenty minutes. She needed to get rid of the image in her head. The image of Quinn Fabray and her minions laughing as she wiped the ice and tears from her eyes.
Rachel gripped the little blade tightly. This is it, she told herself. This is just the first cut. It is supposed to hurt.
The blade cut into her thigh and she breathed deeply through her nose. Blood trickled down her leg and she started sobbing. Another slice and the pain was easier to handle. After the sixth cut, she felt numb. No point in continuing if you can't feel it anymore, right?
She stood in the shower, watching the blood trickle down the drain with the scalding hot water. She cried herself to sleep that night.
The next day, the world carried on as if nothing had happened. The only reminder was the slight pain in her inner thigh and the humiliation she felt for being this weak, for being a victim.
Rachel Berry had a loud voice but nobody heard her silent screams.
xxxxx
Quinn clenched her fists so hard that her nails dug into her palms. She wanted to scream, to punch somebody and possibly throw something.
After Cheerios practise, Quinn felt no better. She still had this anger inside her that wouldn't die down. She knew of a way to deal with it.
"Puck, let's go. It's your lucky day."
Sex with Puck was guaranteed to help a little. He actually knew how to satisfy a girl, unlike Finn who nearly came when Quinn touched his leg.
"Harder," Quinn grunted into Puck's ear.
He complied, grabbing one of her legs and throwing it over his shoulder.
The bed creaked but Puck kept going. "Jesus, we should do this more often," he panted.
"Fuck you," Quinn spat. "Just keep going."
Afterwards, they lay in silence for nearly an hour.
"What was that all about?" Puck asked finally.
"What?"
"You don't usually like it that rough."
Quinn shrugged. "I needed it."
She felt better, but guilty. This wasn't the first or even the second time she had slept with Puck and she felt more guilt every time it happened. Supposedly she should have waited until she was married, but that idea was screwed a long time ago.
"I'm gonna go," Quinn gathered her things. "I'm sorry, Puck. This shouldn't have happened and it is not gonna happen again."
Puck stretched out on his bed. "That's what you say every time, baby," he winked.
Quinn left, feeling worse about herself by the second.
When she got home, her mother was out so she grabbed a bottle from her dad's liquor cabinet and downed it right on the spot. She passed out on her bed a few minutes later. When she woke up, she ran for the bathroom, nearly puking her lungs out. She was disgusted with herself, for what she did. Sleeping with Puck, drinking the way her father does.
Quinn banged her head against the cool tile floor. She didn't have the energy to get up, so she slept next to the porcelain throne.
xxxxx
Rachel kept her head down as she practically ran to the bathroom.
"Watch it, Berry," Santana spat as they bumped into each other.
"Sorry," Rachel mumbled, wiping tears and slushie from her eyes.
Santana left with a frown.
Rachel locked herself into a stall and let the tears fall from her face, splashing to the floor. She cried quietly, always playing it safe.
Quinn walked into the same bathroom a few minutes later. She stared at herself in the mirror. "Fuck you," she whispered at her reflection. "I wish you were something else."
Rachel stiffened. She was unsure of what to do. Confront Quinn, who just slushied her seemed crazy. It wasn't worth it.
"Why are you so fucking stupid?" Quinn growled. "Can't you just get a fucking grip?"
Rachel waited until Quinn left before cleaning herself up. Maybe she wasn't the only one silently screaming.
