A/N: I've decided to not make it another story, and I am going to combine the Clack with the Soriku and the Akuroku and this will be one loooooooooooooonnggggg freaking story. Most of it is going to be Clack though, so, just warning ya.
Disclaimer: I don't think there are zombies in Kingdom Hearts. I own nothing.
Chapter 8: Sora Was Doomed
Once upon a time Sora was in love with Kairi. She dumped him for a girl. Once upon a time Sora was in love with Leon. Leon dumped him for Rinoa, who wasn't just any girl. No she happened to be an older girl. Leon dumped Sora for a college girl. This girl was a college girl who'd had an incident that resulted in a pregnancy. Sora had to begrudgingly admit that she was one hot mama. Every time he did so, he pouted for ten minutes. Leon dumped Sora for a MILF. That-that was just so not fair.
Why did Sora get dumped?
Well, his annoying twin brother might have had something to do with it.
His annoying best friend might have something to do with it.
Evil significant other stealing bitches might have had something to do with it.
Sora, because he loved his friend and his brother, blamed it on all of the boyfriend-thieves and girlfriend-thieves in the world. He subconsciously recognized that he was doomed from the start. He subsequently decided to no longer date.
Actually, his annoying twin brother had teamed up with his annoying best friend and completely obliterated any chances poor Sora had with his relationships.
Once, Roxas tearfully called Sora in the middle of a date with Kairi and told him their mom was in the hospital after a hideous car accident and was on death's door. Sora grabbed his things and RAN to the nearest hospital. (He was thirteen at the time and had no transportation.) Needless to say, he'd left Kairi without a word and she'd had to wash dishes for hours in order to foot the eighty dollar bill that was mostly Sora's food. She had ordered a salad because she somehow believed that guys found girls who ate unattractive.
Sora arrived at the hospital breathless and panicked. He then ran to the room he'd been told his mother was in. Roxas was crying and holding a limp hand in his; he was dramatically wheezing. There was no beeping from the heart monitor in the corner.
Sora screamed "Am I too late?"
Roxas sobbed louder.
"NO!" Sora cried.
Sora's sobbing began and twenty minutes after the two brothers had dramatically hugged each other close and sobbed into each other's shaking, grief-stricken arms, the body began rising up off the bed.
A loud, terrible, groan filled the hospital room.
Roxas let out a soft cry of fear.
Sora stared.
"Mmmmmmmmmmhhhhh" The dead body of his mother groaned.
"Zombie?" Roxas asked. He widened his eyes and dramatically stepped back away from Sora and the dead body of their mother.
Sora turned to him with wide horrified eyes.
Roxas stumbled backwards toward the door.
Sora stared at the dead body of their mother.
It let out a loud "Graaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"
This "Grah" was the exact same sound every zombie in every horror movie Sora had ever seen let out right before it bit at someone's head and started chomping on brains.
Sora, having just watched Zombies Attack:VII the night before, proceeded to scream bloody murder.
He was terrified of zombies and had spent the night sobbing and fearful, before climbing into his twin brother's bed and proceeding to sleep soundly and comfortably as he stole the blankets and snored at a decibel previously unknown to man.
He screamed bloody murder even louder as a hand reached out from under the blanket towards him. He screamed again, breaking the sound barrier and communicating the presence life on earth to aliens throughout the galaxy.
Sora screamed like a terrified little girl.
He cried out for his brother to run, for he'd sacrifice himself so that his beloved twin could survive and carry on the Hikaru legacy, only for laughter to ensue and for Riku to take off the sheet concealing his figure.
He stared dumbfounded for a few minutes before a nurse came into the room and screamed, "What is going on in here?!
"Where's Mr. Skeves?!"
"Huh?" Sora looked at her with a tear streaked, terrified face. He put his puppy eyes into action and the nurse proceeded to coo at him, hug him, and mother him the way any woman who came to see Sora's pathetic, "I'm a tortured little cherub" face did.
This caused his evil best friend and evil twin to laugh more, but Sora didn't care because he needed the affection.
Sora managed to talk them out of trouble, as he always did with his angelic sweetness and beautiful doe-brown eyes, and Riku and Roxas covertly suggested that the comatose Mr. Skeves had probably gone to take a leak.
They were evil incarnate.
This evil, torturous prank, among many other hideous schemes derived to monopolize Sora, ensured that his relationship with Kairi only lasted a grand three months before she decided she was lesbian (who wouldn't be with Roxas and Riku torturing them every five seconds?) and began dating a sweet girl named Namine who just so happened to not have siblings and a small group of perfectly sane friends.
Two years later, Sora was stunned when the exceedingly attractive, rather stoic, and quite frankly sexy as all hell Squall Leonheart asked him out. He kept it secret from his twin and friend for four months before they caught on to the fact that his and Leon's "study sessions" studied anatomy. Up close and personal.
A week later and the terror tactics began. Leon, though, remained strong. Sora found himself awed and flattered by Leon's resilience. It made him love his boyfriend all the more.
Two months after the terror tactics began, Riku and Roxas turned Leon into a chicken.
They covered him in cake batter. They covered him in super glue. The busted pillows over his head and started the king of all pillow fights, which was really just target practice for the poor, defenseless, blinded (cake batter in the eyes), Leon. They chased him out of the house and under a bucket full of glitter. They put an Indian headpiece on the poor boy's head and took pictures before proceeding to blackmail the brunette hottie into dumping his adorable boyfriend.
A week later and Sora was single. He sobbed for weeks. He wouldn't speak to his awful evil demon-spawn friend and brother. He'd sob, and eat ice cream, and sob some more. Sora was heartbroken for three weeks, and he was almost certain that he'd managed to convince Roxas and Riku to let him get back with Leon.
Then, he'd seen Rinoa.
He'd dated Squall for six months and less than a month later he was dating a MILF?! Not just any MILF too, but the girl he'd dated before Sora?! The girl who ripped out his heart and trampled on the pieces? The girl who was a supermodel, who traveled world-wide and was the epitome of beauty?
Sora cried and cursed for another week. After that it became a weekly thing for Riku to come over and join Sora and Roxas in a Leon bashing session. Darts were thrown into full length photographs, Facebook pages were stalked, faces were insulted, bodies were picked apart, and everybody was called a fat jerk. This proceeded for the rest of that semester. (Sora's sophomore year)
That Summer Sora's heart healed, he became friends with Leon again, he even liked Rinoa and her daughter.
Still, he didn't date.
And that scene with Cloud and Tifa in the library, in addition to Zack's sobfest, totally cemented in Sora's mind the fact that he was never, ever, ever going to date again. He'd live his life single and die happily surrounded by friends and his friends' grandchildren. He'd just never, ever, fall into the trap that was love.
He'd die a pure, and lovely, angelic, and friendly, virgin.
"I'm never dating again." Sora said to Riku and Roxas as they walked out to the car Sora and Roxas shared.
It was around 5:00 and after Zack left everybody had just given up on studying. Some people suggested hanging out, but it'd been a long week for everyone and after the stress of the afternoon library blow out, everybody just wanted to go home and cuddle under a blanket. They all talked for about an hour and said their goodbyes. The conversation revolved around what was wrong with Zack, touched upon how Cloud felt about the blow out, and asked if he was really not mad at Zack. Sora thought that the spectacle had to have been seriously embarrassing for his shy friend. He expected Cloud to be seriously pissed about what Zack had done, and had expected him to be quite a bit ruffled about the sudden break up. As usual, if Cloud was bothered, he didn't show it. Sora appreciated his friend's poise.
Tidus and Yuna had spent the time making out, ignoring Yuffie's cries of "Eww. Gross! Get a room!" Everybody was annoyed by their insensitivity, even Sora. Normally everybody waved off their PDA and shrugged "that's just Yuna and Tidus", but today everybody was seriously annoyed. They went on with their happy tonsil hockey session and pretended they were in their own world. Cloud just rolled his eyes.
"It's not like I'm one to talk. Tifa and I were always making out in the halls." Cloud said.
Tidus had pulled away for the five seconds it took to say "THANK you, really guys, come on. Cloud doesn't have a problem."
That didn't change the fact that their behavior ended up in Sora and Roxas deciding to exclude them from the beach invite. By the time everybody had decided to leave Cloud was looking just a bit more moody and sensitive than usual. Everybody had left, making snide comments about Yuna and Tidus separating and getting a room, but the two had just waved everybody goodbye as they'd cleared out. Nobody thought those two would make it out of there before the janitor locked the doors. Sora snickered at the thought of those two horny teenagers being locked in the school for the weekend.
That's what they got for their disgusting PDA. Did they have no consideration? I mean Cloud and TIfa just broke up and he was right there. Cloud's really good at hiding shit, but he was definitely bothered by it despite the fact that he was too nice to say anything.
Sora absolutely hated it when people took advantage of Cloud's kind, easygoing nature. He kicked a rock and started glaring at the ground as he walked.
"What?" Riku said. For some strange reason Riku didn't see that coming, Sora realized his platinum haired friend had to be dumber than a doornail. Why was it that he had better grades?
"Dude! Kairi dumped me for a girl. Leon dumped me for a girl. And did you see that mess with Cloud and Tifa? And poor Zack? I mean come on! Relationships suck! I'm never going to like someone again." Sora cried out.
"What happened to Mr. Optimistic?" Roxas asked.
"Awwwww, is itty bitty Sora still heartbroken?" Riku mocked.
"No! I'm just going to let everybody else do the procreation and the marriage thing. I don't want any part of it. I'm good living out my life as a best buddy and the perfect twin!" Sora laughed and ran up to Roxas.
He wrapped his right arm over his twin's shoulder and started to sing their twin song.
"Twin, Twin, Twins! We are the Hottest Pair of Twin, Twin, Twins!"
Riku groaned as Roxas joined in and they started making a ruckus.
"You guys are fucking weird!" Riku yelled.
"What did you say?" Roxas turned around and glared into Riku's eyes.
"I said, that you two have separation anxiety issues. Your twin song is just fucking WEIRD."
"Like you don't want to monopolize Sora as much as I do?" Roxas scoffed.
"Ooooo! Where's Luxord! I want to place a bet on who's going to win this fight." Sora cried out, laughing at his brother's and his friend's need to argue all the time. He was more than tickled about the fact that they were arguing over him this time. And, of course, Roxas had just unwittingly and openly admitted for the first time that he and Riku were weird and obsessive Sora monopolizers.
"Whatever. Roxas, I'm not picking a fight today." Riku said, he turned from the twins and began walking off to his own car, which was parked twelve cars down from Roxas and Sora's pickup.
The two brothers looked at each other perplexed.
"What's wrong with him?"Sora asked.
"Got me." Roxas shrugged.
"I'll go check." Sora said and began to run after their mutually shared best friend.
"Suit yourself. I've got a phone call to make. Be back in ten or I'm going to leave without you." Roxas called after his brother.
"You know what?" Sora turned around to look at his brother. "I'll just get a ride from Riku. You know how he can get. It's going to be like pulling teeth trying to get what's wrong out of him."
"Yeah, go ahead. Don't get back too late. We have to pack for the beach weekend with Riku, Cloud, Leon, and Yuffie."
"Ahh!" Sora smacked his palm to his face. "I forgot all about that! Do you think Cloud's going to get Zack to come?"
"At 9 am? Hell no!" Roxas said.
Sora ran back to his brother and looked him in the eyes. He was challenging his dense and socially inept twin to a battle.
"How much you wanna bet?" Sora said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"What makes you think he'll be able to get Zack to come?"
"Dude! Are you blind? Zack has a thing for Cloud about twenty miles wide and ninety miles long!"
"How on earth would you know that? Did he tell you? There's no way Zack's gay. And Cloud? Seriously? He's as straight as an arrow." Roxas argued.
"Ugh. Whatever. Don't believe me. It's not like I've always been better with people than you are." Sora said.
"What? Hey!" Roxas said as Sora began running away.
"I can't let Riku leave without me!"
"Fine. I'm right and you're wrong!" Roxas yelled out childishly before getting in the truck.
He was irritated. Roxas was generally irritated. His brother might be happy go lucky, sweet and angelic, but he was definitely not. Sometimes he wondered how the two of them ever got along. It seemed like they were complete opposites.
Dialing his boss was a pain in the ass. Working at the ice-cream parlor and wearing that dorky uniform was a pain in the ass. Dealing with a flirtatious redhead who was obsessed with staring at his ass was a pain in the ass.
"Hey Roxy, did you change your mind about the date?" An obnoxious voice answered the phone and Roxas resisted the urge to let out a cry of frustration. He HATED his boss.
"Look, Axel. First, Don't-Call-ME-ROXY!" Roxas growled into the phone. He wanted to kick this guy in the junk.
He wanted to murder him. Roxas had, at first, applied to work at the ice cream parlor because he had seen the attractive redhead through the window. He'd talked to Xemnas, the manager at the time and had been hired on the spot. When he'd been told to come back Monday at four and that he'd be working with Axel, the attractive redhead, he'd been nervous as all hell. Sora had made fun of him and his silly little crush all weekend.
He'd gone to work, after fussing over what to wear for three hours. (He had to change into uniform once he got there but that didn't mean he was going to look like a slob going there). He'd glance at the redhead as he walked in, greeted him quietly and had seen appreciation in the man's wicked green eyes. Once he knew he had gotten his soon-to-be crush's interest he'd been excited.
Then the freak had opened his mouth and it had all gone downhill.
He fucking HATED his stupid, annoying, nagging, flirtatious, dog-like, clingy, perverted, and generally disgusting boss.
Why did he have to be attractive?
"Second, I want to make sure I still have the weekend off. I planned it out with Xemnas about three weeks ago, but he ended up quitting and now you're in charge. The messages you sent to me- totally not appropriate by the way, I'm going to have to file sexual harassment with upper management if you keep that up- implied that you expected me to show up tomorrow. It's totally not happening." Roxas said as he gritted his teeth.
"Oh come on Roxy you know you like it! Let me check that by the way." There was the sound of shuffling on the other end of the phone. Roxas absolutely hated the fact, that, yes, he liked it.
Just a little bit. Beyond that tiny bit of adolescent hormone dictating his attraction, he was quite thoroughly enraged by that cocky, smug, stupid, touchy, perverted, taller than a tree, practically anorexic looking, drugged up, college boy. Why did he have to be such an asshole? Why couldn't he be an attractive older male, who was politely, and gentlemanly attracted to Roxas?
Roxas HATED his boss.
"Awwww. Dang it. Nami-kins has your weekend shift." Axel whined.
"Cool." Roxas hung up before the jerk could piss him off any further and put his key in the ignition.
He'd complain to Sora about Axel and force the freak to tell him about what kind of evidence he had to back up his assertion that Zack was into Cloud, once they got home. He couldn't wait to extoll the virtues of drawing and quartering his boss. He was curious if Sora was right and was already thinking about what he'd do about his friends' predicament if he were. Getting Zack and Cloud together would keep that annoying, talkative, friendly, jerk, Zack out of his hair. He really didn't see the guy's excessive need to be friends with everybody.
Roxas didn't recognize the fact that his brother was the same way.
Then, tomorrow, if he felt Sora's argument had merit, the two of them would arrange for Cloud and Zack to hit it off. Then they'd be eternally grateful to Roxas and his schemes, and he'd get them to do him favor upon favor. He began to get very excited about the relationship. He couldn't wait for the world to recognize that he was the best evil mastermind on this planet.
He smirked cruelly as he drove home, and he almost didn't stop to let that squirrel cross the street.
He did though, and that road-kill lived another day.
Who said Roxas had no mercy?
