The cool water felt good on Kaidan's face, but the heat in his skin warmed it quickly. He filled his cupped hands a few more times and splashed his face until he felt his temperature drop a little. He gave his hands a couple good flings to get the water off then used his shirt as a towel, first on his cheeks, forehead, and chin, then for wiping his hands.
When he looked at himself in the mirror, Kaidan saw his inner turmoil reflected back at him. Afterlife's bathroom was lit much like the rest of the club and he was cast in shadow. Why had he let himself drink so much? He was so nervous, he forgot liquid courage stopped at one drink. It just wasn't hitting him fast enough. And then it hit too fast, too hard.
"Idiot," he muttered aloud. He'd only wanted to understand her, to help her understand him. He wanted to know if they still had a chance… Well, he understood her alright. But he threw it in her face.
Joker's words gave him some comfort, however. He could come back the next day and try again. Not that he deserved it—a second chance or Joker's kindness.
Kaidan ran his hand under cold water, wiped his face one last time, and left the bathroom. Dr. Chakwas was waiting for him. She pushed off of the wall she was lounging against and smiled.
"Hello, Kaidan," she said.
"Doctor." He nodded formally. She laughed.
"There's no need for that now. How are you?"
He shrugged.
"I hear you were promoted," she continued. "Congratulations."
"Thank you."
Her full smile dropped to half-a-one, as though she wasn't looking forward to where she had to take the conversation. She could've delayed it by pretending to have small-talk, asking him what brought him to Omega or what he'd been doing for the past couple of years, but she already knew the answer to those questions. So, she skipped straight to the point.
"Earlier, I saw you with Commander Shepard and, now, you're all alone."
He sighed and stepped out of the doorway. She passed him a canister of water and they walked, side by side, through Afterlife and out the front door. It felt good to breathe air not clogged with sweat and heat. They took a turn toward the apartment district where he'd gotten a hotel room.
"What happened, Kaidan?"
"I don't know," he lied, not sure why he chose to respond that way. He knew Chakwas could tell he was fibbing by the way her brows dimpled sympathetically. "I just wanted to talk to her. I needed a little help after everything and so I had a couple drinks." He felt ashamed saying it. "We fought."
"Of course you did," she said, resisting the laugh edging into her voice. Kaidan opened the canister and took a sip.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"You were going to fight no matter what. The alcohol helped lift your inhibitions and be honest, even if your words weren't entirely honest. Without it, the melodrama of trying to resolve your feelings peaceably would only prolong and further entangle the true problem."
"Honest without being honest?" It was his way of asking for clarification.
"Your anger is honest, even if it motivates you to say cruel things you don't mean."
"Alright, I get that," he said and took another sip of water. "The rest of the idea? I don't understand."
"You may believe it was all a big secret, but don't take me for a fool. You and Shepard had feelings for each other. She died…" Chakwas gently touched his arm, "and you grieved. When she came back, there were a lot of feelings you weren't sure how to handle. Things were no longer simple—where you understood what was happening, even if it was impossibly hard to deal with."
The ksh-krsh of the opening door came after her pause and Kaidan let her go ahead of him since a second group was taking the other half of the stairs. They exited onto the next level and Kaidan led the way toward his hotel.
"I said some horrible things—things I didn't mean. And I heard the words she was saying and they made sense but I couldn't accept that."
"You're both angry and hurt over how things played out. That's going to come out, one way or another. Anger, pride, jealousy… they all have a way of changing who we are, bringing out the worst in us," she explained as they slowly walked, turning corners occasionally, and dodged other groups; Omega never slept. "So long as you remember yourself in the end, both of you will find the happiness you're looking for. I'm sure."
He stopped in front of his building.
"I don't know, Doctor."
"Don't know what, exactly?"
"If I deserve her forgiveness."
Dr. Chakwas lifted her brows curiously.
"And have you decided whether or not she deserves yours?" she asked. Kaidan frowned, confused. "You've been hurt, Kaidan. A simple explanation won't excuse your feelings, as if they're mere illusion. Do you forgive her for hurting you?"
"Yes," he replied. From his standpoint, he was the one who'd muddied things—one thing he swore to never do. Of course, he'd also sworn to always leave a way out, something he'd failed to do with Shepard. There was no way out with Shepard. He didn't want there to be. He was afraid this fight would make one.
"Do you really? Then why are you still angry?" she wanted to know. Kaidan did some mental stammering but couldn't answer her. "You've both been through immense trauma, and it will take some time before you can understand one another. Fighting just proves that you're trying hard to do so."
Kaidan couldn't help but smile a little. She'd given him a bit of hope.
"Drink plenty of water and get lots of rest," she instructed. He nodded obediently.
"Yes, ma'am," he said. "And thank you."
"We all need a little guidance for our thoughts and feelings from time to time. Goodnight, Kaidan."
Kaidan watched her disappear down the street, positive he should've been the one to walk her home, not the other way around. He finished off the water, took the elevator to his floor, and used his passkey to get into his room.
The lights were off, leaving the place nearly pitch black. He left the door open and used the light in the hallway to guide himself through the small apartment without knocking anything over. When he reached his bed, he dropped onto it face-first, boots dangling over the end, and used his biotic power to close the front door.
There was absolute darkness for about twenty seconds and then it settled to mild. Because of his brown eyes, it was harder to adjust to the dark completely, but he waited patiently for his sight to return, letting his thoughts trudge through everything Dr. Chakwas had said, correlating all of her points with the highlights of his and Shepard's fight.
When he just couldn't think about anything else other than the fact that he still loved her more than anything, he quit thinking, and, by that time, his sight had mostly adjusted. His fingers snaked across the bed to the nightstand where he pulled her picture down to rest next to him. He'd fallen asleep this way countless times.
There was a dark point in his life when it was the only way he could fall asleep…
