THE LOVE I HAD

~REMAKE~

CHAPTER 8

-THE DESPERATE LOVE-


Dear Nana,

When the time comes when you read this letter, I am probably not around anymore. There will be no news of me. Hahaha. XD. Don't be sad Nana. I knew you were strong enough to face these challenges you will have in your life. I knew it since you accepted my proposal 2 years before. I love you so much that I would do anything for you.

Nana, I'm sorry, dear. I never thought of leaving you alone in this world this early.

Something got messed up and I am down my path.

I hope our two children will be the best in the world we can imagine. I never intended to make them my successor. By the way, how were our babies? I bet they're getting bigger now. I could never imagine that I would have twins. Ohoho! I love you Nana,

You know you can do this kind of things right? You're my Nana.

Raised them as a better normal person, Nana.

Nana, I sincerely thank you.

I love you. Forever. Mmmmmuahh! ( few kisses for you)

Sincerely, your faithful husband.

XXX

Dear Iemitsu,

I woke up like I always did every morning, expecting to find you working your ass in our garden. But when I turned over, there were no sounds of you, and you were nowhere to be spotted. Then, it knocked my mind.

It's been more than 15 years since you're gone, but it always feels like yesterday.

I smiled knowingly.

"Good morning, Iemitsu." And I kissed the old picture of you.

Tsuna has long gone for her school and Natsu was studying in Vongola Boarding school.

Aren't Natsu clever, Iemitsu? I am always proud of her. But, Iemitsu, I wonder why she was not the same like Tsuna. I mean, Natsu is clever, pretty and active, but she suddenly become more silent and wary of people. She rarely looks up to me.

And she acts like a stranger to us. Dear, am I the wrong one here? Did she hate me?

I feel remorse.

She changed ever since I have sent her away, to that prestigious school. Iemitsu dear, what has gone wrong in our family?

That time never did I know that sending Natsu to Vongola school was the bad turning in her life.

XXX

Dear,

I am supposed to pick Natsu up at school today when suddenly, I was called out for outstation. Oh! What am I going to do?! Just when Natsu had opened up to me...

I feel like the worse mother when I am supposed to take her home.

But, she is an understanding child right? I can only hope...

"Tsuna, I'm going out for three days! Can you wait for your sister like a good child?"

"Mama! How can you say that!? I'm always a good child. I'm just a bit naughty - and clumsy, that's all..." Tsuna pouting shamelessly until Nana pecked a kiss on her forehead lovingly.

"Mama..." I'm glad she was overwhelmed.

"I'll be back!" and Tsuna kissed my forehead too.

"I'll be waiting!" She beamed.

I couldn't help but feel bad. If only Natsu were here, maybe she can feel happy and cheerful like Tsuna. I regret that I sent her to boarding school. I missed the lost time, I missed having the feeling to kiss her head before she sleeps, I missed hearing her stern voice, I missed her laugh too. Natsu probably will be the kindest sister if she was here.

It was sad...whenever I saw Tsuna. I missed Natsu so much.

She was only home once a year when it's long holiday.

I couldn't help thinking, if only Natsu was here with us...She would smile like Tsuna too...

It's my fault as a mother.

XXX

'Ugh! This is worse!'

I have spoken with my cliques. They said maybe I had not been talking to her more. I keep thinking and thinking while I'm going home. When was it I last remember, I had a conversation with Natsu? I have had one with Tsuna, but did I really had a proper conversation with my Natsu?

My sigh took me in deep desperation...

I can't even remember the last time I have talked to her.

Iemitsu, am I a bad mother?

Actually, I don't know how to speak to her. She had changed, so much since she went to boarding school. It's like, she treated me like a stranger.

Ah! It's alright! I'll be seeing her again when I'm home. She should be already back. I never thought my work would drag me for one more day and I sighed tiredly. I wished I had never been a 'waitress on call'. But, that is how I met with you, dear Iemitsu. I should never fret over it.

"Tsuna! Natsu! I'm home!"

There was silence.

'Oh, maybe, they made a surprise for me?' My old heart giggling again as I sneaked in.

"Tsuna! Natsu! I'm home!"

I called their names again, but still silent. I finally kicked off my shoes and ran ahead. The silence in the house unnerved me, and that's when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the house in my search for my daughters, my knees growing weaker with every step I took.

There was a pungent smell violating my sense...

And what I saw was beyond my imagination...

Natsu was bleeding and was holding a knife on her hands while Tsuna already flaccid on the floor and blood were everywhere. On the stairs, on the table, the walls, almost everywhere.

Whose blood was it? What happened?!

My heart wants to scream and cry, but I realized, that was not the best thing to do, instead, I came running and let loose of Tsuna's clothes and laid her on the floor. Gosh! Iemitsu, there was a hole on our baby's stomach and the blood - the red fluid - is gushing out actively...

I stare at my red dyed hand, shaking.

But now isn't the time to be shaking!

"Natsu! Take the clean cloth now!" Natsu let go of the knife and suddenly starts running to her sister, with tears on her face when just now I swear, I saw her face smirking while looking down at Tsuna on the floor.

I ordered her frantically and she found me a clean cloth for me to pressed on the stabbed wound. Iemitsu, what the hell happened while I was gone?!

Luckily, I was long a trained 'waitress' that knows a little of first aid.

"Natsu! Call the ambulance!" and she did as I asked.

I can't ask for more since, Tsuna's life was at risk. And I realized, there was blood oozing out from Natsu's wrist too. I don't know how many times I have had series of the heart attack today.

After I secure Tsuna's wound. I immediately ran to Natsu's side, shredding off my clothes and wrap it around her cut wrist. I looked at her worriedly, "Natsu, are you in pain?"

Natsu was shivering and stutters. "I- I- Tsuna. I - she tried to kill herself. She's been locking herself in her room for two days. I tried to opened the door when suddenly - things got out of control. Before I knew it, the knife hit her -!"

Dear, what happened?

I closed my eyes desperately, pulling her shaking body close to me and kissed her head. I held my heads up to the ceiling while holding unconscious Tsuna on my thighs. I tried so hard to prevent the tears from streaming down.

Iemitsu, help me! I've tried my best not to cry in front of the two! But, I can't suppress it anymore! I can't!

"I'm sorry, Tsuna...I'm sorry..." I whispered while holding her close to me. Her blood painted my dress red in milliseconds, and she looked pallor every second.

Tsuna half lidded eyes looked pained and saddened. The stares she gave was one that said, 'mama, it really hurt...' and it pained me.

I'm sorry Tsuna, I couldn't protect you.

And my tears burst out until the ambulance came, 15 minutes later, leaving both Natsu and Tsuna unconscious.

...

XXX

...

Tsuna was drugged and entered the operation theater. The time goes so fast then my heart can beats, Iemitsu...

Natsu's hands were stitched and bandaged. Luckily, the doctor said, it wasn't her arteries that were cut, and I waited for her recovery.

It had been concluded to be a police case. They did not believe Natsu's fully. Her story had no flaws but, since there is no witness to that crime scene. There is also probability true, that Tsuna tried to suicide and also homicide.

I cried when I saw they even interrogate Natsu like she was a criminal. They never considered the fact that she was just an 18-year-old girl! Those bastards know no boundary. The police had thought that she was the one that stabbed Tsuna on her stomach, because, there is also evidence on Tsuna's body, that showed, she was being pushed down the stairs and abused.

It was by that time when I saw another persona who was like a mirror image of the person who proposed to Natsu.

"Hello, madam Sawada. I am Alaude, Iemitsu's aid. Please, let me handle this case. I believe both of your child are innocent."

Somehow, his words have me hopes, Iemitsu. I leave everything to him, who claimed to be your aide.

...

XXX

...

Three days later, Tsuna was finally conscious and were sent out to the general ward.

Thank god Iemitsu, our children are safe!

Natsu came crying to Tsuna's side, but Tsuna only smiled and wipe out Natsu's tears, though her hands looked so tired and heavy to move.

I came to her side, sliding a hand through her rough long hairs and smiled, "When you're fully awake, I will wash your hairs, dear."

"Tsuna, It does stink so much." Natsu pout jokingly. Her doleful eyes looked remorse and sorry.

And they laugh together.

It seems so normal and peaceful. Like nothing ever happened between the two. I'm happy Iemitsu.

...

XXX

...

Days passed and Tsuna was more healthy, still needing the fluids from her vein, though. She keeps mumbling that she can't stand the cold tingling sensation when the drip goes in.

And the nurse laughed with her.

Once the nurse finished serving her medications, it left only Tsuna and me in the room. I begin to ask...

"Tsuna, tell mama...Did Natsu do something to you?"

She smiled and sighed, "Mama, you suspect Natsu would do this?"

I can never answer her question. I should never have a doubt or play favor on one side. It should be fair. But, I can't stop thinking that Natsu -

"It's not mama." I was speechless, "I locked myself in the room while feeling upset when suddenly it got locked. Natsu tried to free me when things got out of controlled and I accidentally jammed the knife in my stomach." she then turned silent.

There was something missing in her explanations. What about the blood on the stairs and table? How about them? How could she explain about the bruised on her hand and head? It's clearly an abused!

Tsu-kun, why are you covering for your sister? My heart squeezed itself.

I looked at her solemnly. As if she read my heart, she hold my hands close and bring them to her cheeks. "Mama, Natsu would never harm me. Believes in her more."

She held me close in a warm embrace. "Natsu was spectacular, she tried to protect me whilst she let herself being harmed. She loves me...that much." I can feel her tears on my shoulder, "she really loves me mama...do not hate her..."

I couldn't retain the tears from my eyes and it later turned to be the small laughter between us.

Tsuna was laughing. I am laughing too.

I know she was trying to hide the facts, but if that's what Tsuna really wants, fine, I will believe in Tsuna and Natsu.

I will believe in our child Iemitsu dear.

...

XXX

...

Some days later, Tsuna has almost fully recovered.

"Mama, do you remember when I told you that I love someone?" I nodded when she asked. I wonder why her face looked solemn.

"What should I do when the person I love didn't know that it was me? I didn't tell him…and I am too ashamed of myself and felt guilty towards the girl he goes out with…but I love him so much…that my heart hurts…mama…" Tsuna looked up to my gentle face as her face frowned about to burst in tears. Her hand clenched to her chest.

And I offered her a warm hug.

"He sure loves you too, you know." I whispered and pulled a small smile my face. I tried to encourage her, because all I know, Tsuna was the one lacking in courage and clumsy. She wouldn't do it if no one push her.

"Tell him, tell him you love him before it was too late." Tsuna just stares at me in the eyes all teary. She shook her head.

"What's wrong? I'm not telling you to bang heads with the other girl, but tell him, you loves him. You have to make a choice. I believe he will forgive you and accept it."

"But I can't tell that." she said in silence.

"Why?"

"Because, it has become a lie," she agonized. "I'm the bad person since I took away that person from her. And that's why I deserved this."

Tsuna wipes out her cheeks before the tears go down them. "I am a bad child mama. I am. But I love that person. I love him... But, right now, it's too late! Too late.." she whispered in my bosom, whispering...

"Tsu-kun..."

"I have to forget him. I have to forget Kyoya-san...It was hard, so much that my heart ripped apart. It hurt to see Natsu with him. It hurts to see Kyoya believe in her tale. But, I can't do anything..."

That was the time I learn to connect all the puzzles.

Tsuna and Natsu have fallen in love with the same man.

Oh, Iemitsu. What are twins were like? Why our children are so pitiful...

And I never thought it was a mistake when I ask Tsuna not to give up the man she loves.

...

XXX

...

Two weeks after Tsuna and Natsu's recovery

I was waking up from my sleep when I heard someone rustling in front of my door. I found Natsu sleeping beside my doorway. She looked so tired and hopeless that I began to weep silently.

I had done that to her. I was punishing her for being stubborn and selfish. I indirectly had ignored her for most of the time while worrying of Tsuna.

"Mama, is sorry Natsu!"

My crying then woke her up, and she gathered me into her arms, desperately. She clutched onto me for the longest time we ever had. She never pulls away. She cried along with me, and at that moment I felt the bond we had as the family has grown closer. I regret not giving Natsu more attention before.

"I'm sorry, mama..."

"I'm sorry Natsu," for not trying to understand you...

Somehow, when the case was handled by Alaude-san, who claimed to be Iemitsu's aid, the case was adjourned. I wonder what happened actually. But I never really cares, as long as my children are not in danger.

...

XXX

...

One sunny day, Nana was doing her daily cooking when suddenly, the bickering of her daughters make her jump while holding her spatula. Again, the fear traveled in my veins but never made it to my facial muscles or skin.

Kids, always like this. And she walked to her living room to see the problem.

"Tsuna, don't tell him! It's Cielo he needs!" Natsu was desperately hanging on Tsuna's arm, preventing her from going somewhere.

"Shut up Natsu! I'm going to see him, as Cielo!"

Tsuna finally managed to get free and dashed.

"No, Tsuna! Don't!" Natsu yelled loudly in desperation while watching Tsuna ran away from home.

I loosen up my apron and stand beside Natsu. "What happened, Natsu?"

To my surprise, Natsu's sunset's eyes were blazing with tears.

"She went to see Kyouya-san."

"So, why aren't you following her? And stops her."

"I had told her don't go! She just won't listen to me!" I was speechless when Natsu was seething but crying like that.

"Mama, are you going to follow her?" she asked sullenly.

"No, of course not." I was trying to laugh, but I wonder why I stuttered in from of her. "W-why would I interfere with her dating?"

Natsu was smirking then, "Good, because you shouldn't leave me, mama."

My eyes widen. There was something void in her voice. What was it?

"Only you, should stay by my side mama." Her hand clump to a fist each side.

Her voice was empty, sad and trembling. She bit her lips when tears sliding down her cheek.

"She deserved it...I told her not to go...but she was just stubborn and won't listen to me...she deserved it." Natsu gritted her teeth, with tears on her face. Her pained face curved a smile on her lips.

My mind starts to roll. When I listened to her mumbles, I noticed, something terrible is going to happen with Tsuna.

No! I can't let it happen the second time. Tsuna has to live!

In a blink of an eye, I had run chasing after Tsuna, putting off my apron and spatula, running as fast as I can.

"Wait! Mama! What are you doing?" Natsu shouted to her lungs as her mother brush off against her in swift of wind and run crossing the next road.

"Tsu-kun! Tsu-kun! Don't go!"

"Mama! Don't chase her!"

"Tsu-kun!"

"Mama!"

And Natsu chased her back.

...

XXX

...

I saw Tsuna slowing down, turning her head to me. "Mama!"

I smiled when she looked at me. I was trying so hard to get to her believing that, I can save her this time. I can finally save you two, my blissful child.

That was when I received blaring horns from the two roads.

Gosh, Iemitsu, I didn't notice that it was 4 ways road. I saw Tsuna running to me with frown face, and I smiled sadly.

No wonder Tsuna can run so fast. I ran that fast too...

And the next thing I know, my vision turns spotty black and white.

Iemitsu...saves our children...

...

XXX

...

"Mama!"

I turned around and saw her running towards me. "Mama, what are you doing?!"

I shouted when I saw her crossing the roads wildly, ignoring the bickering honk from the busy road. I tried rushed to her when suddenly a truck came out of view and my mother hold me together in her arms.

It was a moment between balance lost and impact when I winces at the snap sound of my collar bone snapped in two and tore right through my skin. The loud bump on my head and the sound of bones clashing, breaking, and crushing makes my whole world white. I could hear the sounds of blood splattered on the ground and the sounds of the shrieking tires as it grazed the road. The pain had brought me to the point of blacking out.

I am blacking out.

I opened my eyes and jumped when my views turning red and all I can see was the pool of blood. It was my blood and the next thing I saw was the body of my mother beside me.

"M-mama." My words clogged in my throat, as tears with colliding blood sliding down my face.

"Mama..." I tried to reach out, but she didn't respond to my voice.

"No-no. Don't do this to me, Mama..."

She was red. No. It's black! Her body has long lost it shapes. Her hands and legs have gone through all direction that it shouldn't be possible. Her legs were limping without the bone. It looks like it was almost flat sticking to the road.

My mother was under that truck. No. No. Please. Mama. Please.

I was trying to move ignoring the painful of my cuts and my injuries. I didn't realize, that even myself was eerie. I can't lift up my hands. My headache has turned severe and I can feel the road has wet with my blood. My bones were seen from the flesh and it was pretty a bloody sight of me.

'Blergh!'

The blood was gushing out through my mouth as I cough. My stomach feels like it was in a roller coaster. My eyes turn blurry and cloudy. The endless amount of stabbing pain on my shoulder and head.

From the edge of my vision, I could see... Her lifeless body. She protected me! Why was she handspan away from me. Why can't I reached her!?

"M-mama…" I winced to the pain, whispering, my bloodied hands trying to crawl towards her bloodied face. But she didn't react to me…She didn't react to me!

"Mama-!" I frantically called her again and again in my raspy clouded voice, just to make me cough out blood and stomach content even more. I failed to move my body. It was too painful to move. I can feel my flesh was tearing with every movement I made… It hurt. So damn hurt… that I couldn't take it anymore. The bloodied tears already streaming down my cheeks.

I know what does this mean. I knew why I am crying. I knew it, but I don't want to admit it…

My mother's condition looks worse than mine.

"Mama... Hold on," I am trying my best to ease her, but the fact is, I was trying to ease my heart. I am afraid of dying…I am really afraid. I want to believe that help would come, and save us…

And believe that she was alive…mama will not die…

I was coughing blood and my head was spinning and the metallic smell was nauseating me. I wonder my view is turning black.

A moment later of an uphill struggle, I saw another me was looking at us in shock and horror; looking fearfully at our condition from afar. It was Natsu…She came. And I simply force a painful smile in her way. She will help us…She will…

I can't blame her when she looked at us disgustingly like we were some shit, but, hell, we were looking like shit. With this smell around us, the crimson red dye soiled our clothes; I can't blame her when she looked surprised as she cupped her mouth in horror and tears streaming down her cheek.

She was crying…Poor sister…How will she live without us around her..? I could only smile painfully at the thought. For the least, I still want to let her know that we will always stay by her side…even when we are gone.

Always…

I felt relief that she saw this incidence; at least, I can still pray to be alive. Someone would call the ambulance and we will survive this torture. I don't want to die. Please…

I don't want to die like this…

But then, she walked towards us slowly with hands over her nose and mouth, kneeling in front of the bloodied me… I still smile even when my vision was cloudy.

"Natsu…help us…Mama…mama..is dying…help us…" I whispered, enough to be heard at her distance. I am in great pain and just ignored the pain.

I just want mama to be safe…

She kneels in front of me, and was it chuckling sounds I heard from her?

But I couldn't even think straight right now. Maybe I am in delusion state. As the times passed, the pain was doubled, threefold and so on. I need the painkiller.

But the chuckling sounds continues with sullen weep.

I could only scream in the back of my mind. Because, my vision is turning dark and darkens as the times goes by. My mind is becoming hazy and the blue sky is turning dark above me. Is it going to rain soon? My eyes almost drooping when she suddenly whispered in my ears.

"Sorry, Tsuna…" Her brief weep made me felt loved for a moment. I tried to find her hands before she unexpectedly smack my bloodied hand roughly away from her. I could feel my bones crashing again at the stressor and I cried in my half consciousness.

Why Natsu? Did you plan all of this?

"Serves you right! Tsuna-chan." She yelled in victorious and the sound of her voice was similar to that old witch, contained with evil and wickedness. Like a psycho, she laughed loudly before chuckling and before she starts to whimper like a child.

Oh, Natsu. Are you sad that I am dying or, are you happy now?

I want to believe that it really just a bad dream...Just a bad joke…

She went back to the side road as the ambulance came, and I saw the blurring image of Kyouya's figure looking at the scene. Why was Kyouya- san here?

I cannot hold on anymore. The blue sky had faded away along with my consciousness. My vision had turned jaded black. It's finally just black and empty.

Kyouya-san, I wonder if I can still see you again. I wonder if I will survive...

I'm sorry, to have left you out in the dark.

Mama, forgive me...

XXX

...

Nana has lost track of time. She does not know how many hours it takes her to open her eyes even for a moment.

She saw Natsu by the side road she was with the man who proposed to her. What was his name again?

Oh, It's Kyouya-kun. My third child...

Her hand, the only limb that still had the original shape practically trying to move itself to reach something or someone. Maybe to reach Kyouya-kun. But it was useless. Every movement she made feels like her limbs being pulled out.

It's damn painful. The truck that had ran over me like it ran to a cow. I can't believe I was under a truck like a movie.

Where is Tsuna? I hope she was saved.

Oddly enough, my tears streaming down my cheek unconsciously. Seeing both Kyouya and Natsu was crying at the side road. I was feeling blissful.

I tried to convey him a message, with a hope that he would understand it. I eyed him through my bloodied eyes meaningfully...

'Kyouya-kun, please forgive my daughters'.

Please forgive Natsu and Tsuna for loving you, sinfully. I am a failure and sinner as a mother who could not understand the suffering of her children. I cannot stop them from brewing hatred to each others. Kyouya-kun, please be with them, help them to live truthfully and earnestly. If I had lived longer - forgives me Tsunayoshi, Natsumi. Forgives me, Iemitsu...I couldn't fulfill my promises.

I was hoping that with my death, Tsuna could live...

Please live...Tsu-kun...

...

XXX


A/N: how was Nana POV? and the waitress could be anything you know. Nana is an incredible mother...