I didn't really remember what happened the rest of the night. I remembered a few vague details and a few random specific ones, but mostly, I was just disconnected from it all.
I didn't feel like I was unaware or functioning on some mindless autopilot. I felt like I just wasn't taking anything in or responding unless I absolutely had to.
The fire was neat watch. I couldn't recall if I explored more. Josie tried to keep my attention and talked about maybe coming to visit Forks sometime, and I don't remember if I even acknowledged her. Lauren was a jerk, but that was normal. I rode back with Mickie, though I didn't recall where I sat. I found myself sitting in my truck, outside of my empty house, trying to get a grip on the here and now.
I went up to my room, not bothering to turn on a single light. I sat in the dark for what seemed like an hour before I finally turned my computer on. After the fifteen and a half million years it took for the old modem to get online, I began searching for a website on vampires.
As it turns out, search Real Vampires gets you a lot of obviously not real vampires. It took some time and some tries, some subtracting of key phrases until I found a website that suited my purposes. After reading a few dozen of the entries, I was starting to think that Josie was wrong. All the entries just sort of explained things like cultural phenomenon, infidelity, unusual illnesses, and extraordinary events. In many cases, someone could have easily said angels or werewolves or monsters or ghosts and it would have been just as plausible. I needed to get out of my head, away from the familiar. Where could I go? What could I do?
I walked out of the house. Just off the yard was the woods, a path that had been worn over who knew how long a period of time, leading to somewhere. The sky was rather cloudless since the day had been warm and a bit sunny. I could see by the light of the stars. I followed the path.
The night was still, but the forest rustled with living things, in the trees, in the brush. I walked until I couldn't see a single house, not one light. There was no evidence of humans anywhere. I looked down at the path. Almost no evidence. I stepped off the path, walking through a layer of trees, and sat in the darkness and greenery.
Edwina was a vampire. I knew that it had to be true. I also knew that it was impossible. But, the things she could do and her saying it was dangerous for me to be friends with her... It made sense, in a way that felt real, like truth. I couldn't argue that she was wrong. All things considered, she had looked as though she was going to kill me that first day. She had been trying to stay away from me, hadn't she? She had treated me like a pariah after the accident, and even though she had told me that it was for my own good, I hadn't understood that she had been right. No; it was more than that. I didn't want her to be right. I didn't want to stay away from her. Even with this large and very concrete reason that she didn't want me to know, because she believed that if I figured it out that I would stay away from her, did I want to stay away? Any logical, sane person should stay away from her. But could I?
I thought of what not having her in my life would be. For one, I'd be dead. The accident aside, even with all the rejection and fear she had caused so far in my life, those things were nothing to how much I had enjoyed our single day of friendship. And, if I was really honest with myself, I wanted more. I couldn't, wouldn't let myself think exactly how far I would want our relationship to go, even if it could, because I knew that it wasn't up to me; she might decide to do the right thing again.
But didn't that mean I had my answer? If I had a choice, honestly, I would like to be having this conversation with her, this very minute. Somehow, not having her number or any way to contact her seemed an almost unforgivable oversight. I wanted her...
I felt myself go stiff. I had meant to think that I wanted her here, but I hadn't finished the thought and still found it to be true. I wanted her. But I couldn't have her. I couldn't, could I? Even if she truly wasn't a vampire, she very obviously was something more than simply human. Low income, lower class, inexperienced, clumsy, bookworm types with no idea who they are or what they want to do in life could never be with perfect, idyllic, powerful, amazing, awe-inspiring, nearly mythical creatures like her. Even if she willingly consented to stand beside me, it could never work. In the Venn Diagram that was us, there was no overlap.
I got up. I was tired and this wasn't helping. I found the path, after three tries, and got home to find the house was still empty. I went upstairs, showered, put on some sweats and climbed into bed. I was expecting to be lying awake for hours but fell asleep responsibly directly.
That night was filled with uneasy dreams. In one, I was on the beach with Josie. We were talking and enjoying the sun, then she grabbed my arm and tried to drag me through the trees, saying we had to run. Something seemed to be stalking us that I could not see, and she finally pushed me behind a tree to hide me, staying on the beach side of the tree line. But as I looked around, I saw Edwina there amongst the trees, smiling with long tipped fangs. I smiled back, welcoming until a wolf came tearing through the tree line behind me, racing straight for her, snarling and snapping.
"No!" I found myself screaming. "Don't hurt her!"
Finally, the dreams melted away into relaxed sleep. She was there, everywhere I went. The parking lot, the halls, outdoors, every class, not just Biology. She was in my truck, in my kitchen, my living room, my room. I wanted her so desperately, it hurt. Then I was in Phoenix, and she was there too. Everything seemed fine until we walked outside, which struck me was very strange until I remember that vampires couldn't be out during the day, and she was suddenly engulfed in flames.
I sat up in bed. It was still black with early morning. I curled my knees to my chest and hid my face and cried. I couldn't stand the idea of her in pain. I couldn't stand the idea of us being apart. It didn't matter what she was, or what the risks were. I wanted to be with her this very minute. After crying myself out, I rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next morning, I awoke, feeling far more rested than I usually did when I had nightmares. I got up, deciding that I needed a break. I did all my homework, finished up my laundry, cleaned my room thoroughly and the bathroom to boot. Carrie found me before letting me know she was going to go fish again, apologizing for it being so late the night before. I said that it was nothing and wished her a good time fishing.
I decided that it was too nice a day to be inside the whole day. Considering it was Forks, my options were very limited. I settled on yard work.
It turned out mowing the lawn when I'd never done it before was harder than I thought. It took more trial and error than I would normally put up with to figure out what to hold and what to push and what to pull and in what order to get a mower started. Then, after getting it two feet into the yard, the mower quit working all together and it took me nearly half an hour of trying more things before I managed to think to check the gas tank, which was empty. I tracked down a can in the shed where I found the mower and refilled it. After that, I had it going just fine, until the first rock.
After clearing the yard of rocks and wondering how it was even possible for so many rocks got in the yard since the last time anyone mowed, everything went smoothly. Two water breaks and three more hidden rock later, I had the lawn completely finished. Packing everything away, I went inside, cleaned myself up, and got started on dinner.
I had everything on the table when Carrie walked in. She stared at me for a long moment.
"What did you do?" she asked.
I frowned at her, "Huh?"
"You mowed the lawn," she said, moving to wrap her fish and drop them in the freezer, "which is something I haven't done since summer. You cleaned the entire upstairs. Now I come home and supper is ready and on the table. If you didn't do anything, what do you want?"
"Nothing," I said, exasperated. "I just didn't have much to do today. I got... bored."
Even I don't believe me. What am I supposed to say? Sorry, mom; I have had a lot on my mind, what with the girl I like possibly being a horror movie monster and me trying to decide if its worth risking my life- urgh! Even in my own head, it sounded crazy!
"Bored?" she asked skeptically.
"Yes," I said.
She looked at me again, looking carefully, then her eyes got wide and she said, "Oh."
"'Oh'?" I asked, not trusting that at all. "Oh what? What oh?"
"Nothing," she said quickly. "Nothing at all."
"Mom!" I drawled out, exasperation returning.
She finished with putting fish and gear away, "It's not my place."
"What's not your place?" I asked, aghast. "What do you think is going on?"
She sat at the table and plated some of the fish I had cooked from one of her previous trips, then she looked directly into my eyes and asked, "What's her name?"
My face went utterly blank.
"Who's name?" I asked, maybe a bit squeakily.
"See?" she said. "Not of my place."
I ate in silence. Mom glanced at me here and there but didn't say anything. I was putting away dishes and she said, "No, I've got the dishes. You've done enough."
I nodded and headed for the stairs.
"Benji," she said. I came up short and slowly turned around.
"Look," she said. "I'm no good at any of this. Talking about feelings and stuff, that was always your dad's area. But you know, if you need to talk, we can talk. I'm not going to be good at it, but I can try."
"Okay," I said. "I know. Thanks, mom."
