Chapter Eight

The New Defense Teacher

"Greetings students, I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. You can call me Professor... Phillip! Ha ha ha!"

"Okay, why did you just laugh evilly?" asked Tom.

"No reason," said Phillip.

"Aren't you an Auror?" asked Severus.

"Why yes I am as a matter of fact," said Phillip proudly.

"Hey dad!" said Phillip's son.

"Hey son!" said Phillip Junior's dad.

"Ahem!" said Tom.

"Oh yeah! Basically Professor McGonagall hired me because of the fantastic job I did at the ministry when Voldemort died."

Albus cheered.

"Even though that Voldemort is dead now," continued Phillip. "You might run into a jerk someday and it would be really good if you knew a few defense spells."

"Some offence spells wouldn't hurt either," mumbled Tom.

"So this year, we're going to focus on the three Ds of defense."

"Don't you mean the three Ds of Apparation?" asked Severus.

"Nope. The Ds of defense. We will split the term into three sections-"

"Don't you mean that you will split the term into three sections?" asked Tom. "I mean, I don't really think that you're going to need a bunch of first years to help you do the splitting."

"Who are you?" asked Phillip.

"Tom."

"That's it? Just Tom?"

"Well you're just Phillip."

"W-well-you see... umm... ten points from Slytherin,"

"For what?" asked Tom. "Disturbing the class?!"

"Hey! Umbridge can get away with it."

"Good point," said Severus.

"Shut up Severus!" snapped Tom.

"Yes master,"

"Could you guys be quiet?" asked Phillip. "I really want to tell you the three Ds. I spent almost five minutes coming up with them."

"Fine!" said Tom. "Tell us your Ds!"

"I can't now!"

"And why not?"

"You ruined the moment. I hope you're happy!"

"I am!"

"Good!"

"Yes, good!"

"Lunch time!" said Albus in a jolly way.

"What?" asked Tom.

Two seconds later the school bell rang. Albus jumped out of his seat and skipped toward the exit.

"Umm... class dismissed," said Phillip.


"Malfoy!" snapped Tom. "Get me a fork!"

"A fork?!" asked Malfoy who was trying to stop himself from laughing. "You already have one!"

"This is no good!" protested Tom. "It's made of aluminum! ALUMINUM!"

"Aluminum?" asked Severus interestedly.

"What am I supposed to do about it?" asked Malfoy.

"I know you have a collection."

Malfoy gasped. "I would never let you into my fork collection! Even if we were the last people on earth and I needed money and could only get it by selling you my fork collection!"

"If you were the last people on earth," said Severus, "I don't think you would even need money."

Tom's face turned a shade of purple that would scare even Uncle Vernon. "Now you listen here you blond haired, rich brat from the land of putrid wealth and overrated ego, I happen to know all three unforgivable curses, and I have even invented a forth! If you think that your forks are too good for me... then I guess that you have a very low esteem for living!"

"Sure!" said Malfoy quickly. "My stuff is your stuff, right?!"

"Yes," said Tom sinisterly. "Now get me my fork before I hit you with a flame curse!"

"Right away!" said Malfoy as he ran off.

"I had no idea that you were so sensitive about you forks," said Severus.

"No," said Tom. "I've just been waiting all day for an excuse to shout at Malfoy."

"That was quite impressive. I've never seen you like this before."

"Thank you! I've been practicing on my reflection. I figured that moving to Malfoy was the next step."

Albus ran up. "Hey guys! Did you see Malfoy? He looked whiter than a ghost. He was so white that he frightened Nearly Headless Ned!"

"I wonder what that might have been about?" asked Tom evilly.

"Maybe it was that woman who was yelling at him. At least it sounded like a woman, I didn't see the yeller."

Tom reached for his wand but stopped himself. "What's our next class?"

"Flying lessons," said Albus, "with Mad-man Hook."

"It's Madam Hooch," corrected Severus.

Albus looked at his class schedule. "And just when things started to make sense-"

"Albus," said Tom, "I don't think that you'll ever make sense."