When Nikki's breathing settled to a point where she could close her eyes, she was assaulted by wave after wave of bizarre video game dreams. In her latest, she was trapped in a Donkey Kong level. Literally – someone had shut her up in one of those floating, wooden barrels used to spawn sidekick characters and she was waiting for player one to bust her out.
Through a peephole in the wood she spotted her saviour: Celeste – looking absolutely delicious with that crimson DK tie draped over her breasts – who knelt before her prison and teasingly traced a finger around Nikki's little opening. She had to fight the urge to snap up that digit like a hungry fish at a baited hook. The alien woman tantalized her ears with a low purr. "Are you coming, Nicole?"
"No? Let me help."
Then she started wailing on her barrel with a crowbar. Whump, whump, whump! Nikki's brains rattled like canned corn. Seeing no progress, the bounty hunter picked up her wooden prison and started bashing it against the ground. Whump, whump, whump!
She needed a minute to register that the pounding against her head was somebody pounding on her front door - whump, whump, whump! – and it kept getting louder. "Hang on, hang on…" Nikki muttered. Man am I stiff. No wonder: she'd curled up on the hallway floorboards, little better than a bed of nails. Shuffling like the walking dead, Nikki unbolted the front door.
The visitor on her front step made her wish life came with an 'undo' button.
"S'up, bitch!"
The smiling teeth outside her door were pearly and white and every bit as monstrous as a garduk's grin. Audrey. The diva was freshly primped for the day in a frilly purple mini-skirt (did she ever wear pants?) and a black T-shirt featuring a rabid, rainbow-drooling unicorn. Shopping bags dangled from one arm, while the other held a tray of coffee cups. Audrey tried to force her way in but Niki pinned her arm across the entryway.
"What're you doing here?"
Wasn't that the stupidest question ever? "Why do you think I'm here? Twelve o'clock on a Sunday? I'm checking on your fish, stupid!"
Nikki needed a minute to process. That's right, it was Sunday, and she knew for a fact Audrey had been visiting weekly to "make sure you haven't murdered another pet"; apparently the little princess actually knew something about raising sea animals. After her breakup with Anton they'd started talking about fish and Audrey had encouraged her to start a fresh aquarium under her supervision. There was just one thing she couldn't understand:
"What are you doing here?" As in, why do you keep showing up if you hate me so much? Audrey didn't seem to register her exasperation.
"Like I need a reason to hang with my girl Nikki? Now c'mon, let me in."
Nikki refused to move. "I don't feel so good, Audrey."
"Oh, like you've got better things to do! C'mon, I brought coffee," she added, offering one of the mystery cups. "And it's your favorite," she sing-songed.
Coffee, the perfect Trojan horse to lower her defences. Craving the caffeine rush, Nikki backed off and let the monster in.
"You like spiced latte, right?"
"Spiced cider," Nikki corrected.
"Right, that one." Audrey snatched back the paper cup and exchanged it with a tray-mate. "Knew it was spiced something so I just bought one of each." Clacking her heels into Nikki's kitchenette, she dumped the remaining drinks into the sink. For her own morning pick-me-up, Audrey uncorked the flask in her purse.
"Phew, you stink," she declared, wrinkling her nose and fanning the air. "Get all hot 'n sweaty last night?"
Nikki opened her mouth to bombard the diva with F-bombs, but then she too whiffed up the unfamiliar scent. My clothes? She inhaled from her sweater – a rich, intoxicating musk tingled her nose – and immediately breathed in another round. The heaviness of sweat with … lavender? "Must've picked up someone's perfume from the club," she reasoned. Where can I get more? She wanted to wrap her sweater over a pillow and rub her face all over that opulent aroma!
Audrey was less than enthused. "So?"
"So what?"
"Um, sorry for ditching you last night, Audrey? Bad enough you just sit in the booth like a lump; then you sneak out behind my back without even saying goodbye!"
Nikki frowned. You weren't exactly in any condition to hear a 'goodbye'. But just as quickly as she flared up, the diva settled again.
"Well, I'll let it slide this time." Then she stepped close and flashed a gossip-hungry grin. "After all, I heard you grabbed Celeste on your way out last night. You get any?" When Nikki only stared blankly, Audrey raised her fingers in a V-salute and flicked her tongue between the arches. "Hmm?"
The memory of tongues made Nikki flush. "You are so gross," she snapped back. Audrey shrugged off the insult.
"Ah, I'm joshing you. I guess it's a bit much to expect. Bet your 'cousin' only puts out for the best." She laughed, marching to the fish tank on Nikki's kitchen counter to begin her inspection. "Y'know, last night your girl was getting pretty freaky on the dance floor. Thought she was going to hump my leg off!"
The horrid image of Audrey and the hunter made Nikki dig her nails into the coffee cup. She had to change the subject. "So what happened with you last night? You know, after that guy fell on you?"
"What did you see?" Audrey's eyes narrowed to razor points. It wasn't a question, it was an interrogation.
"Um, well you hit him. Then you were yelling, and then you ran off?" The response seemed to satisfy Audrey.
"Ugh, don't get me started! Wasn't that asshole just the most disgusting bastard, trying to feel me up like that?"
He tripped accidentally, Nikki frowned.
"Well, I got that bastard good. Pretty sure I broke the motherfucker's nose. Anyway, I wasn't putting up with his crap so I ran off and got the bouncers. A whole pack of 'em grabbed that asshole, took him out back and beat the shit out of him."
"Uh huh…"
"I was still super pissed," Audrey continued, "but fuck, those security guys were hot. One of them started talking with me after, checking if I was okay. Anyway, he wasn't bad looking so one thing lead to another and I went back to his place, gave him a good 'thank you' lay."
"Uh huh." You were sobbing like a baby, Nikki glared internally. Crying for mommy because some guy accidentally touched you. On the arm! She was beginning to see Audrey Belrose in a brand new light, and now she wondered exactly what kind of inbreeding had spawned this spoiled and hypersensitive prima donna.
"Anyway," Audrey shrugged, "your tank looks fine. I guess you have gotten a little better at cleaning."
"Then we're done here." Nikki positioned herself behind Audrey to force her towards the door but the platinum blonde spun away.
"What's your rush? Don't we always play your video games after I do my check-ups?" More like I play games while you watch and text. "And look – I got you these!"
Nikki recoiled from the shopping bags thrust into her chest. "What's this?"
"Um, clothes, duh! Since your cousin's taking after your awful fashion sense, I picked up some outfits for you two! I had to guess on some of the sizes, but when in doubt, smaller and tighter, am I right? Ooh, you gotta do a runway show for me!"
Oh god, was that a Victoria's Secret bag? "Audrey, I really –"
"I'm gonna grab some juice, kay?" Pushing the paper bags into Nikki's arms she waltzed to the fridge. "Ooh, quiche! You make this?"
"Not me," Nikki stammered. Wait, where did that pie come from? More importantly, why was Audrey insisting on hanging around? It was like she was stalling for time.
"Y'know," Audrey mumbled through a mouthful of pie, "It's no wonder you like chicks, 'cause you've got some balls on ya, Ann-Marie."
Nikki blinked and Audrey took it as permission to go on. "I always pegged you as this wimpy little pushover, y'know? Never rocking the boat, never speaking up even if you didn't like things. So when you came out to me and Tiff … well…"
Audrey's eyes swept the linoleum and she occupied herself with eating until she could work out the words.
"Well that took a lot of guts. Coming out like that, especially when people can be all uptight and judgey. I thought that was cool," she added. "Being honest with yourself. Not everyone can do that."
Was this supposed to be an apology for all the rotten things Audrey had said to her? The speech tossed around Nikki's head like a hot potato. She didn't know whether to be insulted or astonished. Through clenched teeth she finally squeezed out a line.
"Thank you."
Audrey melted with relief. "Hey, any time. So we're cool, right?"
Nikki smiled. "No."
Audrey's jaw dropped like a trap door. "No?" Her face was outright incredulity.
"No," Nikki repeated. "You hurt me, you made me feel like trash. It pisses me off just breathing the same air as you!"
"But … I'm apologizing. I'm being nice to you!"
"Nice to me?" Wasn't that the most absurd joke ever! "Ever since I came out you can't go a minute without picking on me; making little jabs about how I'm this girl-obsessed freak show! Why're you so scared of me?"
"I am not scared!"
"Oh, so what, you're worried that just because I'm gay I'm going to fall in love with you?" She advanced on Audrey. "That the Amazing Audrey Belrose is just so fuckalicious that the lesbian girl can't resist grabbing and stroking her?"
"Do not go there, Nicole."
"Why, you think I'm gonna push you down? Have my way with you?" They stood toe to toe and the telltale twitch of Audrey's eyes made her laugh. How conceited! "Like anyone would ever touch a rotten bitch like you."
"Don't talk like you know me, Nicole!" Audrey was back on the offensive, her skinny fingers jabbing at her chest. "You waltz out with this secret confession; what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to trust you?" She was tugging at her platinum locks in frustration. "Do you know how much sleep I've lost these last months? What I've had to put up with since that jackass tried to -"
Audrey caught herself, and her voice was suddenly quiet and tired. "Look, can we just drop this? Forget everything I ever said and go back to normal?"
Nikki spun away, shaking her head. "I just don't get you, Audrey. One minute it's like you wanna spit on me, the next you're obsessed with being besties. Why do you need to be friends with me? Go hang out with Tiffany and all your other friends from university!"
Audrey averted her eyes. The tiniest of gestures, but it was enough to tell Nikki everything.
She laughed. It started slowly but grew strong and mean until she was bending over and hugging her sides to keep them from bursting. "Oh, this is rich!"
"What's so funny?" Audrey snarled.
"You," she howled. "You've got nobody else. You burned all your bridges; you pissed off everybody you ever knew and now you've got no one who'll put up with your shit but me!"
Karma. That was the one word ringing through Nikki's mind as a lifetime of misery spilled from her open mouth in a wicked cackle, a howl that enveloped and penetrated the stock-still Audrey. All the pain, all the social isolation, Nikki laughed every last memory out, and when she was dry and empty, she gazed down upon a brand new punching bag with platinum blonde hair just begging for a test run.
"Well fuck you, Audrey Smellrose. I don't need you. Go home and cry to mommy because nobody here gives a damn about you!"
The glassy look in Audrey's eye, the quivering mouth on the precipice of crying. Was that what I looked like, all those years in high school? No wonder everyone had hounded her so relentlessly; it was intoxicating!
But the platinum devil still held a last spark of fight. "You think you're so goddamn smart, Ann-Marie?" she barked. "Well you just made the biggest mistake ever, Nic-hoe! I was helping you! Getting you out of your crappy apartment and away from your crappy games, but now you're nobody! Nobody's gonna look out for you! Nobody's gonna notice you when you curl up and die because you'll be all alo-"
"Nicole?" The bedroom door creaked open and Celeste dragged herself out, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Mmh, what time is it?"
Audrey went dead silent. Her eyes twitched – a crackle of static across a faulty monitor – and she ran wordlessly out the door, too upset to even slam it behind her.
Nikki gladly supplied the angry slam. Goodbye and good riddance, Audrey Smellrose.
Then she turned to Celeste, still groggy and shielding her eyes from the morning sun. "Was that Audrey?" she mumbled, and the hopeful lilt in her voice got Nikki's teeth grinding.
"It was nobody," she answered. It was odd, but the joy she'd felt at over throwing out the diva was draining quickly, leaving a hollow chill to run through her body. Eager for warmth, she stepped towards Celeste, cheeks flushed and hands folded together.
"Um … hey."
A sniff of the air jolted the hunter awake. Celeste's breath hitched and she backed away, covering her mouth and nose. No surprise on the source of the offending stench.
"Well sorry for having B.O.," Nikki snapped. "I suppose you want me to shower?"
Celeste nodded as she turned away. "Please … do so."
This was just a misstep, Nikki reassured herself as she dragged the garduk's body bag from the shower stall. No, this was for the best. If she was going to have a conversation with the woman who … kinda-sorta-maybe kissed her, she needed to look her best. Nikki scoured every pore clean, squirted a generous lather of shampoo over her locks, (Celeste liked that smell) and put on her best jeans and tightest t-shirt. She paused at her sock drawer, lingering over a case of lipstick and vial of lilac perfume.
Jessie had bought those for her, and she had cast these items into a dark corner after her falling out with the love fairy. But today was a day for extra measures. She squirted her neck and armpits, smeared her lips bright red and trotted out to show herself off for Celeste.
The bounty hunter had seated herself at the cheap dining table, fingers drumming nervously on the plastic top. Her free arm was fiddling with her rifle – releasing it from a height, then freezing it above the floor with her magnetic crystal bangle and levitating it back into her grip. It seemed to be a reflex exercise - drop and catch, drop and catch like a yoyo - but Celeste's focus was shot. The gun kept clattering on the ground.
"I left the safety on," the alien assured her after the latest loud clatter. "Please, sit down."
Gladly, Nikki smiled, sashaying over and pulling the remaining chair close to Celeste's. The sharp gasp as the hunter's eyes roved over her felt oh so gratifying. "Kos kan, Celeste."
The alien scooted her chair back. "Kosoko kangai."
Nikki's stomach lurched. No, don't worry. I must be crowding her. People need space sometime.
"Nicole, my memories of the previous night are … unclear. I remember imbibing your people's caffeinated beverages. I remember falling…" Trembling eyes caught her own. "Nicole, did I injure someone?"
"No! No, everything's fine!" Was that what she was worried about? "Nobody got hurt. In fact," she added, "I think a couple people had a pretty good time." She flashed a winning smile that the Norai didn't seem to register.
"Nicole, are your lips swollen?"
"Wha? No, it's lipstick." She glanced aside. "D-do you like it?"
The hunter offered no reply. "After the club," Celeste prompted.
"Oh, after that I carried you back to my place. It was kinda scary riding with you on the vespa, what with all the wobbling you were doing but we made it okay." Celeste urged her onward. "Um, so I dragged you up here to get some rest, but you weren't exactly sleepy. You, um, wanted to dance some more. With me." Her cheeks were on fire. "And, after we danced for a bit, well, you …"
Celeste's eyes were wide and horrified. "Pa na isho…" her voice trembled. "Ta rashi jikku?" She covered her mouth and gulped wild and frightened gasps of air.
"I am so sorry."
Huh?
"When you awoke, I assume you noticed a peculiar aroma?" Celeste continued. "The previous night I was … scent marking you. My people, when we wish to designate our ownership over possessions or … individuals, we coat them with scented pheromones from our glands." Celeste swallowed. "And our saliva."
Nikki's mind travelled back to the neighbourhood cat from when she'd first moved in to her apartment. Every night when she'd returned from work it would curl and coil around her legs, purring as it rubbed across her shins.
"So, you were marking me. As your territory."
"I was intoxicated," Celeste pleaded. "I was not in my proper frame of mind. Nicole, what I did was inexcusable. Please believe me, I would never do anything like that to you."
Her inner voice filled in the blanks: I would never touch anything as vile as you, Nic-hoe. That cat, purring so friendly and caressing her legs so lovingly, had no affection for her. Just a piece of property to stamp with her signature.
"I wasn't hurt," she blurted, searching for some words to bandage this crumbling conversation. "I mean, it was a little weird –" It made me feel so good. "- but I –"
Why are you even trying? How stupid she must have looked: fidgeting with her thumbs, clownish lipstick smudged over her face, rolls of tummy fat oozing from her jeans. She'd skipped out on a bra, thinking she'd look so desirable; now she hugged her chest to hide her sagging lumps; to keep her heart from bleeding out.
Audrey was right. Why would this goddess, this Valkyrie, ever stoop to her level?
The alien was chewing at her fingertips, waiting for a response, waiting to be absolved of her shame. Well, she knew what Celeste wanted to hear and she'd give it. "Last night was a mistake," Niki choked. "We should forget it ever happened."
Celeste immediately slackened and eased back into her chair. "Thank you," she exhaled. "This means the world to me."
It meant the world when you held me!
The thought was interrupted by another pounding at the door. Whump, whump, whump. Again? What, was Audrey crawling back to beg forgiveness? Nikki stomped over and wrenched the door open, ready to lash the blonde bitch raw with insults.
All she could manage was a frightened gasp.
She heard Celeste walk up from behind to see what had fazed her host. She could imagine the hunter puzzling over why such ordinary, unassuming humans produced such a stunned reaction: a pear-shaped, forty-something woman with brown hair cut identical to Nikki's. A balding man with a thick moustache and hairy workman's arms. They made a triangle at the door, reflecting an uncanny resemblance in their eyes and faces; even the eyeglasses each wore were eerily identical.
The woman coughed. "Sweet bean, who's this?"
When Nikki failed to answer, Celeste took the initiative, mimicking the human gesture of offering hands. "Greetings, I am Celeste, Nicole's biological cousin." Then she puzzled over why the visitors wouldn't reciprocate.
"Celeste, that's my mom and dad."
"Oh…" The hunter still managed a dexterous recovery. "Please excuse my bizarre speech. I should apologize in advance if I appear clumsy or ignorant of social etiquette. I am, regrettably, Australian."
"Celeste, my mother emigrated here from Sydney."
"Oh … Sydney is an Australian settlement, yes?"
"Yup."
"Ah." Celeste coughed and scratched her neck. "This presents a problem."
"Oh yeah." Staring into her parents' eyes, Nikki was hard pressed to think of a more unfortunate soul in the galaxy right now.
Whump… whump… whump went the sound of Rondarr's holographic face against the food court table. It was the sound of a sentient being pushed to the utmost limits of despair. The humans ignored him, of course, like the hypocritical mammals they were. Making such grand speeches about living "for the herd" but then abandoning the sick and the old at the slightest inconvenience. From the table at his back came a small sample of the inane pratter that had assaulted his ears all morning:
"Like, oh-em-gee, I don't care if grandma is coming over for dinner. I'm staying out! She's just gonna bitch about my nose ring again."
It was no use. He simply could not find a suitable specimen. Just a glimpse of the blue-haired female from last night had thrown his assessments into disarray. The targets he'd scanned since seemed pitiful and ordinary in comparison.
"Well put my plate in the fridge and I'll nuke it. I told you: I'm hanging at the mall today, so get your hearing checked, you deaf bitch!"
Now, all Rondarr could think of was fire. Setting fire to this barbaric, backwards world and the Night Wraith who had cost him so dearly. It would be an act of mercy upon the galaxy – ridding it of another insufferable species of mammal and their weak, watery sentiments!
"No, I will not 'watch my language, young lady'. Gawd, why do you always have to try 'n censor me?"
And by the black void, did they have to screech so loudly? Bursting to his feet, Rondarr marched over to the rear table to deliver a piece of his mind. A holographic fist slammed into the tabletop, demanding attention!
"Hold on, just a sec." Sharpened nails punched a button to pause the conversation. A flash of pink bubble gum and two disinterested eyes gave him a quick scan.
"Um, yeah, you need somethin'?"
And the holographic Anton drew back in stunned surprise. "T-time," Rondarr stammered, tapping at Anton's wrist-mounted chronometer, the best excuse he could muster.
"Like, time to get a new watch, buddy but what-ever. Twelve thirty, eff-why-eye." The way she drawled out her syllables made her sound like a malfunctioning cognition. Her attention shifted just as quickly, returning to her heated communicator conversation.
"Th-thank you." His comment garnered an eye-roll and an irritated huff, but no matter. Rondarr shuffled back to his seat, pretending to check his own handheld communicator but actually looking over the screen at the girl.
Skin as white as bleached bone, set against twin-tails of ebony hair as dark as the vacuum of space. Black was the motif of her clothing as well – leather leggings squeezing her shapely legs and a partial top cupping her ample mammary glands. The way her shoulder straps fell carelessly down her slender arms … he wondered if she was with brood and prepared to nurse at a moment's notice. No, too young, too thin. Just preening, then.
The pieces of metal shoved through her nose and exposed belly were intriguing, as was the skull insignia stamped onto her lower torso. A cattle brand? Was she property? The other females he'd observed made such fuss about appearing proper and desirable; this one slouched idly with her legs in a lazy spread.
She was ... different, he'd credit her that much, but still paling in comparison to that blue-haired specimen. And yet, that smell! She looked like rotten fruit but smelled of the sweetest confections: exotic syrups and sugars and honeys from across the stars blended into an irresistibly fragrant lure. Rondarr chanced letting his tongue flit through the holographic barrier. He had to lap up every last pheromone particle, feeding his nostrils and shivering in delight.
To think I'd taste that scent out here in this wasteland! Could it be?
Rondarr stood and approached the female again, his mind settled. "You there. What is your name?"
She frowned, suspicious and confused. Good survival instincts, he thought. It was almost disappointing how easily she gave up her name. "Um, Lillian?"
"Lillian…" He flicked the syllables across his fangs. "You seemed rather distressed, Lillian." He gestured to her portable communicator – jet black and studded with small spikes to match its owner.
"Ugh, my mom," she gushed. "She just like, thinks she owns me, or whatever. Like, just because you raised me doesn't mean you like get to control me, bitch! Y'know?"
As a fact, Rondarr didn't y'know. "My mother died when I was a youngling," he explained.
"Oh," Lillian deflated, sensing a faux-pas. "Like, um, sorry? Or whatever?"
"It was entirely her fault," Rondarr assured her. Only the most foolish Slovarian females lingered at their nests during hatching. "May I accompany you, Lillian? I would like to hear more about your mother."
Lillian's pencil-thin eyebrows popped up in exclamation. "Wai-wait. Shut the front door. You're a guy?"
"Yes?"
"And you want to hang out with me and listen to me bitch about my mom?"
"Was I unclear?"
She blinked her eyelids stupidly. "Holy shit, that was easy!" Then she coughed. "I mean, I guess we could chill. You seem pretty legit, uh -?"
"Anton."
"Well, Anton, I'm gonna get me some ice cream and eat it in front of the try-hards at the gym. If you wanna come," she shrugged her shoulders with indifference, "like, whatever."
"It would be my pleasure," he lied. Anything to breathe that aroma.
The human designated Lillian collected her bags – all black, of course – and they departed side by side.
"So, like, what was your mom like, Anton?"
Rondarr grinned. "In a word? Delicious."
