Note: I left it in a bit of a cruel place, so here's an early update ^_^ I've just about finished chapter 16, the end is in sight! (So much for this being a "brief flirtation" with Kili eh? XD)

Chapter 8

When next Kili came to he licked his dry lips. His throat felt as arid as the desert sands. Pain was the next sensation that slammed into him. Pain and the cold hard ground beneath him. Confusion set in… his eyes flickered open and he jolted at seeing pale unseeing eyes staring back at him. He was so close; if the dead dwarf still drew breath Kili was sure he would have felt it. The stab of fear that assaulted the young dwarf had set his heart racing, it jarred his arm and sent a wave of pain flooding through him. Kili shut his eyes tight, trying to ride it, trying to control it. When he opened them he expected to stare into the endless abyss of the dead dwarf's grey eyes. He was surprised to see a butterfly alight on a stalk of grass between them. It was a red admiral, though its bright colours had dulled considerably and its wings were ragged and torn. For a butterfly it was in quite a sorry state. Winter was no time for a butterfly to be abroad… but to Kili it was the most beautiful thing he had seen, save perhaps Tauriel. They were creatures of the summer, for it to have lasted this long it must have possessed such strength. Though it was tattered from the unkind season the butterfly still flew strongly. It beat its wings a couple of times… no, don't leave, don't go… Kili wanted to watch it a little longer. This small creature gave him comfort; it shielded him from the abyss he found in the cold eyes inches away from his own. Amongst such devastation how could a small thing of beauty survive?

But butterflies will fly, and so it did, leaving Kili alone to face the void left by death. Though the sun was shining brightly the young dwarf felt cold, gradually his eyes closed to half mast… it was so much effort to keep them open. Maybe he would just fade away and let death take him. Kili's eyes would become a glassy void… a mirror to the fallen dwarf beside him.

"Over here! He's here! I've found him!" A gruff voice bellowed from far away.

Heavy footsteps traipsed over in a hurry and Kili felt two fingers jam against his throat. His eyes fluttered.

"He's alive! Thank Mahal, he's alive… Kili, can you hear me?"

He could, but his voice didn't quite work.

"It's alright lad, don't push yourself…" Dwalin, it was Dwalin. The name suddenly came to him.

More harried footsteps. Another voice.

"He looks in a bad way. Should we move him? That arm is… is…" That voice belonged to Bofur. He seemed unable to finish his sentence. Kili wondered, was his arm that bad? He hadn't seen it… it was just a mess of pain.

"I would rather risk hurting him to get him help more quickly. It would not do to leave him out here a moment longer… not amongst this". Dwalin indicated the devastation all around. "Kili lad, I'm going to pick you up and take you to the healers".

Kili's throat worked, but no sound came out. He didn't want to move, moving hurt.

"I'm not sure he can hear you…" Bofur said, worry tainting his voice.

"I'm sure he can". Dwalin replied grimly.

As if to prove the point Kili managed two words: "No… hurts".

"I know it does, but you need a healer and you can't stay here". Dwalin took a firm hold on Kili, pain already started to rise. "On the count of three…"

Dwalin didn't quite wait for three to lift him. Kili managed a stangled cry before falling unconscious. The darkness was merciful at least.

~oOo~

"Hold him down!"

There was a dreadful noise, such shouting and screaming, when Kili next flitted around consciousness. He realised he came from his own wrecked voice when a vile liquid was tipped down his throat and it ceased.

"For Mahal's sake will you hold him still!"

The heavy feeling on his chest and limbs increased and Kili realised it must be his kin restraining him. The pain hit then, it blossomed slowly from his arm before relentlessly scorching through the rest of his body. So that was why he screamed. There was a thick dressing around his left shoulder. At least the arrow was out, but the pain of that wound was nothing compared to his shattered arm.

The sound of the tent flap opening reached the insensate dwarf. "Can you not quiet him? He is disturbing the other patients".

"I dare not give him any more of the draught. He has had more than twice the normal dose already". Oin… oh Oin, please, give me more. Kili's reeling mind begged.

The healer moved his arm slightly and Kili shot up with a cry. The firm hand on his chest was not enough to keep him down. Kili's eyes rolled as he fell back. He was tired and tortured and wanted this to be over…

"Dwalin, I cannot discern the extent of the damage while he is flailing about so!"

Discern the ext… Oin was examining his arm?! Kili felt sure he must have been setting bones it hurt so. The pressure on his chest became enough to restrict his breathing as Dwalin placed his arm across Kili and pressed down. More moved in to take him, he felt trapped!

Oin moved his arm again, probing delicately he was sure, but it felt as if he were shoving burning hot pokers into the limb. Kili tried to move, he had no control of himself in truth, but this time he was held firm. They couldn't stop him crying out though. His voice found words and he begged them to stop, he swore in their secret language and called out for his brother. It seemed to last eternity, and then it stopped. He lay back panting and sweating… the pressure from the arm at his chest lightened.

"Well?" Dwalin prompted.

Kili managed to move his hazy eyes to Oin's face. He could barely see through the tears but the older dwarf's expression seemed grim.

"It does not look good… There is much damage. You can see how the bones protrude here, and there are more complicated breaks beneath the skin, particularly in his wrist and hand… In short, it is a mess. But I will do what I can".

At that he was suddenly seized with the need to see his arm. Kili tried to get up, to raise his head and look down at the mangled limb. It couldn't be that bad… it couldn't be…

Dwalin pushed him back down. "You don't want to look lad. Let Oin fix it first".

"I can't fix it while he's half awake. A stone giant would not be able to hold him down; it would be the sort of torture not even an orc could dream of… Yet I dare not risk dosing him again. Too much and he may cease breathing altogether".

"There is another option".

Dwalin's hand left Kili's chest, there was a sharp blow to his head, and then nothing.

~oOo~

"… but it will be a miracle if he regains full use of it".

"Kili is strong, we all thought he was done for at Laketown after all, he may surprise us yet".

Time had passed. Kili couldn't tell how much.

"Dwalin! What is that commotion out there?"

It didn't matter. He was awfully aware of his breathing. Just taking in air and letting it out had never meant this much before.

"Nothing, it is done now, just an elf insisting on seeing him. I told her to sling her hook. That was an elvish arrow you pulled from his shoulder. Are you telling me an elf can't aim now? That arrow was meant for Kili, I'll not let another near him".

Kili's mind explored a bit further, stretching beyond the simple act of breathing… There was something wrong. Something awfully wrong.

"An elf? What did she look like?"

"Same as they all look. Tall, pointy eared… in need of a good meal".

It was his arm. He couldn't move his arm. It hurt terribly.

"Was it one of the elves that caught us back in Mirkwood? Did she have long, red hair?"

"As a matter of fact she did. There was something familiar about her…"

"Sounds like Tauriel. There would have been no harm in letting her see him. She saved Kili when he was poisoned. I believe that is the elf he has um… grown fond of. Doubtless Thorin would not approve, but when she returns you can give her a few moments".

Oin. He should find Oin. That's who you went to when things hurt. Oin would fix it.

"She'll not be returning, not for a while at least. She's off to hunt down the fleeing orcs".

Kili tried to pull his fractured thoughts together and push beyond the boundaries of his body. It felt like a cage, broken and confining. He was sure he could hear people talking around him. Their voices rose and fell like waves ebbing and flowing away. If he could only latch on to them… use them as a lifeline to pull him out of this darkness. But every time Kili caught hold of a word or two they would drift away again.

"Pity… we could have done with her skills here. She helped me heal the injured people of Laketown. Elvish healing is a wondrous thing to behold".

"Wondrous it may be, but I doubt she can perform miracles… not for him, not for Thorin, or anyone else. We'll have to count on Mahal for that".

Thorin. There was a word Kili grasped onto with both hands. Strong, dauntless Thorin. Uncle and King. Suddenly Kili was seized by the feeling his Uncle was in danger… He needed to fight this, he need to escape from the darkness. He should start by opening his eyes…

"Hush you two; I think he's waking up! Kili, are you with us?"

The young dwarf blinked heavily, it took a moment for Bofur's face to coalesce at his side.

"That's it lad; do you know where you are?" The outline of Bofur's hat was soon joined by the drained features of his face. It seemed wrong to see him without that cheeky grin.

"Move aside Bofur, let me see him". Oin swam into view.

The healer took Kili's face in his hands and pulled his eyes open. The young dwarf moaned a protest. "Alright… it's alright. Well if your head hurts you've got Dwalin to blame. Can you tell me your name?"

Kili licked his lips and tried using his voice.

"Kili".

Did that frail whisper really come from him?

"Good, and who am I?" Oin continued his questioning.

"Oin".

Yes, it really was his voice. How strange.

"And where are we?"

"Ered Lu…" Kili stopped himself suddenly.

No, that wasn't right was it? They had left Ered Luin. They were going on an adventure! Where were they going? Oh yes…

"Erebor". The young dwarf corrected himself.

Oin frowned at him with concern. "Well… I don't think we need to add concussion to your list of injuries. Still, I would rather have put you out some other way".

"I'm sure he'll forgive me". Dwalin gave Kili's hair a slight friendly tousle. "It's good to see you awake lad, but I'll take my leave. I must meet with Balin, there is much to be done…"

"Oin, why don't you go too? You look dead on your feet. I'll sit with him a while". Bofur offered.

"Aye, 'tis true I need my bed, I can't deny it… Just watch him for signs of fever, and don't let him move that arm". Oin came to bend over Kili then, their faces were inches apart. "Do you hear me lad? Under no circumstances move your arm, if you ever want to use a bow again – keep it still".

Kili looked down, he wasn't sure he could move it even if he wanted to. His arm was tightly wrapped and splinted, and it was bound to his chest to boot. Oh how it burned… but it was nothing like the soul rending agony of before. He was in pieces, and now he had been put back together, but the edges still felt raw. What had happened? Kili was suddenly assaulted by the flash of a mace. He flinched.

"What's the matter? Are you alright?" Bofur asked

He was alright… was he alright? He was injured. He had been attacked. Kili's thoughts felt like snowflakes. Some had come to rest and settle on the ground, but others still whirled about in the air. They were elusive and fragmented.

Kili tried to clear his throat. "Water?"

Bofur left his side and returned a moment later with a cup. He put a gentle hand to the back of Kili's head and helped the young dwarf take a sip.

It was difficult to sip, Kili wanted to gulp it down, though Bofur urged him not to. The cool liquid against his parched throat was pure ecstasy. As Kili laid his head back down more snowflakes came to rest, and then the battle hit him like an avalanche. The pain in Kili's bandaged shoulder sharpened at recalling the arrow, frantic shouts and screams chased around his head clashing with the furious sound of weapon against shield… and flesh. Fili's back pressed against Kili's in the melee, fiercely they fought together, until Thorin fell to Azog's blow… and then Kili suffered a crushing strike himself. The young dwarf gasped suddenly at the memory, his arm felt like it was full of broken glass again. The shards cut all they touched. And then Fili's last words echoed around Kili's head as he stared helplessly into the vacant eyes of a dead dwarf… I'll be back. I promise you I'll come back.

"Kili? Are you alright? Do you want me to fetch Oin?" Bofur reached forwards and pressed a hand to the young dwarf's forehead.

He realised he was trembling.

"Are they alright? Thorin, Fili, the others?" Kili ignored Bofur's question, his mind only on his kin.

Bofur sat back in his chair, seemingly satisfied the young dwarf wasn't burning with fever. If Kili had all his senses about him he might have noticed the look on Bofur's face, he might have noticed the hesitation before he answered…

"They're fine. A few injuries amongst them, but…"

As it was Kili didn't even notice Bofur hadn't finished his sentence. He was breathing hard and battling with his eyelids. They seemed determined to close. But he heard the important bit… They're fine. All was well. So Kili supposed he could give in and sleep a while…

"Rest Kili, I'll be right here".

But it was Balin by his side when Kili woke next. He was chased from sleep by a mace whistling through the air. The young dwarf breathed hard, he looked around the tent and tried to calm his heart… The battle was over. He was safe, everyone was safe. As Kili's harsh breathing settled he noticed Balin was there but was not really with him. The older dwarf lay back in his chair, his head rested on his chest as he dozed lightly. Kili didn't like this… this drifting away and coming back again to find the world had moved on without him. It was not like sleep, this was chaotic, time and events muddled all about him. Kili almost felt he needed to grab on to something to anchor himself.

Feeling a little more clear headed Kili looked around the tent properly for the first time. Darkness had fallen outside and a small candle gave what light it could from a table at his bedside. Across from Kili stood another table covered with bandages, small coloured bottles filled with tinctures, and all sorts of medicinal paraphernalia. Kili shuddered as he noticed a bowl with a familiar shaft just visible over the edge. The last time he had seen that shaft it was sticking out of his own flesh. The young dwarf spared a thought for Tauriel. While the dwarves were accounted for he had no way of knowing her fate. He must send a message to their encampment as soon as possible…

Balin suddenly startled himself awake with a loud snore.

"It is good to see you awake Mister Balin". Kili couldn't help but tease.

The older dwarf coughed and straightened with a wince. "I believe that was meant to be my line".

"Are you well?"

"That was mine also… but yes, I am fine. Old age plagues my bones battle or no, but I have suffered no great injury. Not like you. I would ask how you fare but that much is obvious".

"Aye, pain is a constant companion… My arm seems to be in several pieces". He tried to speak lightly, but the full weight of his injury was only just beginning to dawn on Kili.

Oin's hazy words came to him… Under no circumstances move your arm, if you ever want to use a bow again – keep it still… How damaged was he really? Could he ever hope to wield bow or sword again? Would he even be able to hold a quill to pen a letter? It was too soon to say. It would do no good to dwell on such things… Kili turned his mind elsewhere. To his company, to the faces he had expected to see visiting and hadn't…

"How are the others? How fare my brother and Uncle? Bofur said only that they were fine".

"Well they all have various cuts and bruises. Gloin suffered a fair few broken fingers, and Dori has quite a nasty stab wound… but it is giving Ori a chance to mother him for once". Balin's voice turned grave as he went on. "Thorin slew Azog with Fili's help, but he was grievously wounded. It is the injury to his head that worries Oin most, I am afraid he has not yet woken…"

Kili's face fell at hearing this news. "I must go see him at once, my brother too".

"Not so fast, Oin doesn't want you up and about yet". Balin leaned forwards as if to stop Kili should he think of getting out of bed.

"Then will Fili at least be able to visit me? You did not make mention of his injuries, I take it he is well enough to walk? I suppose he is busy acting in Thorin's place, but surely he is not too busy to see his own brother?" The thought of Fili not visiting was hurtful. Were their places switched Kili would walk to the ends of the earth to see his brother.

Balin paused. It was the sort of pause that gave rise to a feeling of dread deep in the pit of Kili's stomach. "He won't be visiting lad…"

"Then I will visit him. Where is he?" Kili's voice seemed to rise.

"You can't…" Balin tailed off.

Kili struggled to push himself up on one arm. His shoulder protested, but he wanted to meet Balin's eye on his level. The older dwarf didn't move to help, his face was creased with a look that told of pain or sorrow, and his eyes looked to the candle instead of Kili.

"Balin… let me see my brother". Kili spoke evenly with an undercurrent of panic to his voice.

Balin frowned and continued staring at the small flame. Kili could see a battle waging behind his eyes.

"You need to rest…" He said slowly.

"I need to see my brother… Balin, please". Kili's voice began to waver. He felt like he was reliving a conversation he had by a ruined Laketown… one where they danced around a truth too terrible to voice.

Eventually the battle in Balin's eyes dimmed, he sat forwards and put a hand to Kili's knee. The young dwarf suddenly felt like shying away. The devastation in Balin's gaze told him all he needed to know.

"Lad… I would rather not have told you this now. We thought it better to wait until you were…"

"No, don't say it. I don't want to know". Tears brimmed at Kili's eyes. He had pushed for an answer and now he didn't want it. He felt as if he had just stepped off a cliff and started to fall… There was no way of going back, and the hard impact of landing was inevitable.

"He's gone lad".

Suddenly the air felt as if it had left the room. Kili heaved in breath after breath, but still needed more air than he was getting. His good hand clutched tightly at the bed sheets, twisting in the rough fabric until he nearly lost feeling in it.

Balin's voice seemed to come from far away. "Kili… breathe, just calm down and breathe".

He had forgotten how. It didn't matter anyway. Fili was gone… Fili was dead. There was no point in breathing. Kili's thoughts seemed to scatter as his mind broke apart. His brother was alone. He should be with Fili, he needed to find Fili. They had to be together. Kili threw back the bed sheets and swung his legs to the ground.

"Lay back down Kili… you will hurt yourself, lay still".

He would not. There would be plenty of time for lying around when he was dead… dead like Fili. No… no… his brother was alone, he must go to Fili. A wrecked sob left Kili's throat as he got to his feet. His head spun at being up so suddenly and then there was a strong hold on his arm.

"For goodness sake lad, sit down".

He tried to push away from the dwarf holding him still, though it was a pretty pathetic attempt with only one half working arm. "I have to find him! Let me go!"

The grip on his arm tightened. "You cannot find him; you cannot go where he has gone!"

"I have to! He's alone, I have to follow! Get off me!" Kili's wrecked voice yelled and he twisted and turned, trying to writhe out of the firm grip that held him.

The tent flap opened and another joined them, though Kili could hardly see through the blur of his tears.

"What is all this noise about?"

"Kili, stop fighting me! Oin, will you do something?"

"Let me go! He can't be alone! FILI!" The young dwarf cried out in despair.

"You told him? Did I not say he wasn't ready for this?" Oin rushed over to the table and bustled about hurriedly clinking bottles.

"He was asking questions, I could not lie to him". Balin managed as he struggled with the flailing dwarf.

"It would have been a kindness to lie… He is in no fit state to deal with that pain as well as this. Kili lad, I'm sorry…"

A cloth was held tightly over Kili's nose and mouth. Each hard won breath betrayed him as he felt his limbs weaken. They dragged him back on to the bed… "No, no… Fili. Let me find him".

As the world faded away Kili thought he saw a flash of blonde hair at the corner of his eye. He shot out his one good hand, reaching for his brother. "Fili?"

But he only touched thin air.

"Come back Fili… you promised me… you said you would come back…" Kili's voice weakened and he closed his eyes.

Before fading away completely the young dwarf felt somebody else take hold of his outstretched hand.

"It's alright Kili… it's alright. Sleep now, just sleep".

~oOo~

Note: I'm sorry, I've left it in an even crueller place now... Not long till next update :) Oh and the butterfly at the start was inspired by one I had land on my window in *December*, poor thing was so raggedy looking. I would post a picture but Fanfiction dot net doesn't seem to like that sort of thing x_x