Split it as it was too long!
All lyrics are from Florence and the Machine
"Well, thank you for the longest week of my life" Rey huffed as she stepped up into the passenger side of Ben's Range Rover.
"I'm getting the blame?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her as he pulled out the school gates and merged into traffic.
"Of course you are." She said as she fiddled with the radio before turning to him
"So… tell me, where are we going?" she asked excitedly. Ben stole a glanced at her excited face, her cheeks smooth and freckled, her hazel eyes dancing with excitement.
"Well, what's the point in ruining the surprise after the longest week of your life, might as well wait a little longer" he pointed out. Rey slumped back, recognising all the signs of Ben digging in, and decided to drop it.
"Fine, don't tell me, I'm sure I'll be able to guess before long" she said, looking out the window and looking for clues. A little while later, she turned to him.
"We are going into New York" she said carefully, and he caught that hesitation on her face. He nodded.
"Yes, we are, and I know what you're thinking, but I thought, it's time to make some good memories there. It's a great city, don't let it become a graveyard" he instructed with his usual heavy handed tact. Rey bit her lip and sat back. She watched the city grow around them. She hadn't been back since Jack had come and pick her up from child protective services in Queens. The skyline stretched out, so familiarly and she couldn't seem to rip her eyes from it. She felt a warm hand cover hers, and jerked to see Ben's huge hand dwarfing hers. It was soft and warm, and his thumb rubbed a circle on her knuckle.
"Just breath Rey. Breath" he instructed, and so she did, because it was hard to concentrate on anything else when he was touching her. They didn't go anywhere near Queens, and in fact, Rey saw little that she recognised. They drove directly to the upper West side, and pulled into an underground parking there. She looked around at the expensive cars gathered in the gloomy garage. Ben opened her door and she stepped down, the smell of gas and fumes hanging in the air.
"Let's go" he said, and she saw him pick up a couple of bags at his feet. Recognising familiar straps, she stopped, looking at him in askance, her heart suddenly beating in her throat.
"That's my bag" she said.
"Jack packed it, I have no idea what's in it, but hopefully its fine for tomorrow" he said.
"Tomorrow?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He grinned
"Yes tomorrow, come on, let's get moving" he said, ushering her toward the lift. They ascended in silence as Rey tried to wrap her head around the fact that this was apparently an overnight trip. Overnight with Ben Solo. Overnight with Ben Solo, alone. To calm her run away thoughts, she focused on the flashing lights climbing higher and higher. They stopped at the top floor. There was a strange kind of hush over the opulent surroundings, as they walked from the lift. There were only 2 doors on the penthouse floor, and Ben walked directly to one and typed a code in.
"Its 1931, in case you need it" he said, pushing the door open and holding it for her. She walked in slowly, her eyes taking everything in, her mouth robbed of glib words.
Floor to ceiling windows dominated most of the space before her, with the setting sun over the city sending pink and blue light streaming into the sleep, modern space.
"Is this –" she trailed off, feeling overwhelmed.
"My place in the city, for when I visit my mother" he finished for her.
"Does your mom live here too?" she asked, immediately looking for signs of a female presence.
"No. Just me. She lives pretty close." Rey looked around the huge space.
"All this, and you use it on weekends, sometimes?" she asked, and she saw a look of guilt flash quickly across Ben's features.
"Well, I might live and work here one day, so it's an investment I guess" he explained, looking awkward as he did.
"And if you move to… I don't know… Boston?" she asked, her voice a squeak.
"Sell it, keep it. I don't know. You could always rent it from me, if you end up living in the city, and I don't… I bet you'd be a great tenant"
"I don't exactly think it'd be in my price range" she murmured, walking over to the window and staring at the sunset.
"I'd make it in your price range. Anyway, it might be kind of nice… knowing where you are and what you're up, even when I'm not around." He joked, and the words took Rey back to Eliza and her whispered confessions in the locker room, about domination and control.
"That sounds a little creepy and controlling" she said, feeling him walk up to the window beside her before she saw him.
"Maybe I am a little creepy and controlling" he said, his low voice matching her quiet pitch, creating an intimacy in the moment.
"If I didn't know better, I'd think you wanted me caged up in your pretty apartment, with you holding the key" she said, and caught his gaze that was resting on her. She saw him swallow hard, his eyes liquid darkness.
"Can I take your coat?" he asked, holding out a hand.
The moment passed, as they usually did, but Rey noticed, he didn't deny it.
.
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.
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A couple of hours later, during which Rey broke Ben's winning streak on his PS4, and further explored his cavernous apartment, he had finally told her to get ready. She had put on her cream top, the one from the sales and the nicest one she had. Hiding under her coat, she had followed Ben out onto the city street, and instantly felt that sweep of magic that New York had. The bustle and energy, the feeling that no matter the time, the city was alive.
Ben had hailed a cab and given an address with confidence. Rey sat back and watched him. She could see him in this city, it already seemed like his to her. She was painfully aware that she was looking at Ben now through the glasses of her monstrous crush, but that evening in the city, awakened in Rey another kind of yearning. The yearning to live in a city like this with a partner at her side. Someone strong and capable, confident and adult, navigating their way through the crowds. For a fiercely independent person, it was unsettling.
He took her to a Japanese restaurant for dinner, in a pokey hole in the East Village. It was complete with chefs slicing and dicing for an audience, a candy floss machine for deserts, and a menu written entirely in characters, which Ben was learning to progress his martial arts studies. Rey fumbled with her chopsticks and laughed at his pronunciation. They swung on their swinging chairs, and played Jenga once they'd finished. Afterwards, they walked along Avenue A, deeper into the heart of the village, and Ben pulled her to a stop in front of a derelict looking building. Of course, being Alphabet city, most of the building looked fairly disreputable, and Rey froze as she realised it was actually a concert venue.
"Are you taking me to see Florence?" she asked, nearly breathless as her eyes lighted on a certain poster.
"I am taking you to see Florence' he confirmed, a small smile on his full lips. She couldn't help it, she acted impulsively and reached her arms around his neck, pressing her mouth hard against his cheek, crushing her body against his.
"I take it you're happy" he said, sounding strained after long moment, and she pulled back, grinning madly.
"Let's go! I'm going to buy you a t-shirt, and you have to wear it" she'd said, grabbing his hand.
Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
Hours later, Rey's whole body was buzzing with the music, her feet were throbbing from jumping and dancing, her voice rubbed raw. She was shiny with sweat, her hair sticking to her forehead and the nape of her neck on long tendrils. Ben was at her elbow, and even he was dancing, well, kind of, especially if she took his hands. Then he spun them around, sometimes lifting her as she tried to see. She felt completely happy, a strange and slightly scary feeling. The song came to a triumphant finish, and Ben handed her a bottle of water. She drank some to ease her parched throat, and then rested her head against Ben's chest, the very top of it only reaching his breast bone. She was exhausted, and she could feel her cheek sink into the wetness of Ben's chest, and his heart was racing as well.
Another song started, slower, and acoustic version.
You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between
What I thought and what I said
"I love this song" she smiled to Ben, and he gave her the lopsided smile that always stopped her heart.
"You love all the songs"
"I especially love this one" she insisted.
You are the night-time fear
You are the morning when it's clear
When it's over you'll start
You're my head, you're my heart
"Dance with me then Rey, dance with me to this song you love" he said, bending down to speak into her ear, his hot breath sending goose bumps leaping from the point of contact.
"We have been dancing" she said, feeling his strong arms curve around her, pulling her more firmly against him.
"I mean, dance with me" he said lowly, his eyes burning into hers. She hesitantly raised her arms, and let them rest on his shoulders, and giggled, as it was so damn high, it was uncomfortable. He took her hands, and placed then instead on his chest, splayed open against his body, before returning his own to her hips, and pulled her close, resting his chin lightly on the top of her head.
Through the crowd, I was crying out
And in your place there were a thousand other faces
I was disappearing in plain sight
Heaven help me, I need to make it right
They swayed back and forth in the crowd, the melody winding its way around them, and the singers voice filling Rey's heart. The words haunted Rey, so close to all the things she wished she could say to Ben. She raised her eyes to his, and surprised to find they were trained on her. Full of unspoken things.
Before she could lose her nerve and become afraid, she raised herself onto her tiptoes and tugged his head closer. Closing her eyes, terrified of feeling him pull away, she pressed her mouth to his.
As far as kisses go, it was chaste at first.
She pressed her lips to his, and tried to commune her feelings through that connected place. Ben's arms stiffened around her, she had shocked him, before she felt his lips soften a little under hers. She had no idea what to do, what never been kissed before, and was apparently taking matters into her own hands.
She felt Ben's hands slide up her and come to cup her face. He gently took the mantle of the kiss from her, changing the angle of his head, deepening their connection, and she jumped as she felt his warm, wet tongue slide sweetly across her sealed lips. A careful swipe for entry, a question, a request for permission. She let her lips part a little, and almost moaned at the new sensation of his tongue gently caressing hers for a second. It turned her blood to fire, and she was afraid if she opened her eyes, she would actually be aflame in his arms. She was aware of everything, the crowd, the lights and the dying strains of the song, and him. She was so aware of him, his breath in his chest, the heart beat pounding against her hand, the feel of his belt buckle cutting into her sternum, how large and warm his hands were, as he pushed one into her hair, coming to rest at the nape of her neck.
The audience were screaming applause on either side, and in a daze, Rey realised the song had finished, and they weren't in fact clapping because Rey, the never kissed virgin, had finally made her move. The crowd jostled them and they broke apart. She immediately felt awkwardness rush to fill the space between them and turned to look at the stage, where Florence and the Machine were saying goodnight. Her mind was going a million miles an hour and she thought she was probably freaking out a little, and then, just when she was thinking of bolting into the ladies' toilets and climbing out the window, Ben wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and pressed a kiss into her hair, and everything was ok again.
They took the subway back, because he had never been on it and she didn't want the night to end. As the train roared uptown, they sat side by side on the hard plastic seats, and she watched the different types of people come and go. She saw a girl with her mother, the mother closing her eyes immediately to sleep, and the girl tucking her arms around her mother's handbag, eyeing the crowd warily and Rey wondered if she'd ever looked like that.
They got back to Ben's apartment, and the awkwardness crept back as they discussed sleeping arrangements.
"There's a spare room, so no need to be uncomfortable" Ben was saying as he showed her the bedroom and bathroom along the hall from his. Rey lingered at his side, afraid to say that's she wanted to be closer to him, afraid to say she wanted to kiss him again, afraid of a lot of things. Instead, she went into the room dutifully, staying by the door as he leant against the jam and smiled at her.
"Did you enjoy your reward?" he asked, and she was struck by how much she'd seen him smile in the last 6 hours, compared to the occasional one she managed to elicit at home.
"Yes… it's been great. Are we going straight home tomorrow?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Why? Not had enough excitement?" he said, and his raised eyebrow did something strange to her insides.
"You'll just have to see kid, I might have another trick up my sleeve" he said, pausing to pull out his phone. He frowned at the display.
"Do you have to take it?" she asked, aware that Ben's old timey manners usually prevented him from answering his phone when he was with her. He shook his head, clicking it off and putting it back in his pocket. He lingered on, his eyes on her, and she was taken in again how playful they looked.
"I could see you here, you know… this evening, you looked at home"
"Well, I did live in this city most my life" Rey reminded him.
"True, but I could see it again, differently, better… maybe NYU" he said suddenly, jamming his hands in his pockets as he kicked his foot aimlessly.
"NYU for what?"
"You. Art at NYU. I could see it" he said. She stared at him, trying and failing to come up with words.
"And you? Connecticut?" she asked, reminding them of their long ago conversation. He focused on picking at the wall, refusing to meet her eyes.
"No… I was thinking, Columbia." He said.
'Think about it. Sleep well" he said, and was disappearing out the door before she could blink. She sat staring at the closed door, her brain reeling.
After a few minutes, she gave up trying to figure out his cryptic clues and got ready for bed. Jack had done a decent job, so much so she wondered if he hadn't had help. She washed her face and brushed her teeth, let her hair down to curl around her are shoulders. She had an oversized t-shirt and baggy leggings to sleep in, and Rey bit down a laugh at the oddly paternal instinct of Jack's to allow her to sleep at a boy's house unsupervised, but only if she dressed as unattractively as possible. She knew she'd be too hot in them, and so instead settled for her previous black tank that she worn to school and her underwear, which were shorts anyway. She got into the stark white bed, the cover so cold and crisp she thought it might have been the very first time someone had slept on it, and turned out the light.
In the absence of distractions, her mind flew straight to Ben. What was he playing at? They weren't a couple, he'd made it more than clear that he considered her too young for a relationship being under 17. He treated her like no one else ever had, and respected her so damn much, he was putting himself unfairly into entirely too good a light. He was messing with her head and heart in a way that was starting to hurt. Why was he talking about a future with her, when he seemed unwilling to even kiss her, unless she initiated it? And the deeper and darker question, how he could promise her a future, unless he was promising to stick around.
She tossed and turned with it, the thoughts wrestling in her head, and at some point in that long dark, but noisy city night, she heard a door along the corridor squeak open softly, and seized her chance without a second thought. She tore out her room, bare feet soundless on the floor, and saw Ben's bare back in front of the sink.
"Ben" she called softly, and saw him start. He turned slowly, putting down his glass of water on the counter, and she was confronted with his bare chest, which was doing nothing to help her keep a cool head.
"What's wrong? Are you ok?" he asked, concerned. She couldn't seem to tear her eyes from his torso, so much more muscled than she had expected. He was still thin, tall and lanky with clothes on, but under, there were actual muscles, a lot of them and she could see them all.
"No, I'm not" she said honestly, crossing her arms around her middle, she raised her eyes to his face, ignoring his adorably mussed bedhead.
"What's going on with us?" she asked directly.
"I could ask you the same question" he said back, leaning an arm on the counter and she tried to ignore the effects of those muscles on her own.
"Why are you acting like you care if we are both in the same place for college, despite the fact that I am not even going to college" she said, suddenly wishing she wasn't standing under his intense scrutiny in just panty shorts.
"First of all, you are going to college, secondly, why are you acting like you don't care? Do you really not care if we walk away from each other in 2 months, and never see each again?" he asked, coming around the side of the island, and she braced herself at the sight of his tall body, clad only in black pyjama bottoms, which were hanging way too low on his hips for any sort of peace of mind. As he came closer she found her eyes struck to the dusting trail of dark hair he had, from his belly button downwards. She had suddenly never felt younger. Ben had a man's body. Ben was a man.
"Of course, I care" she forced out, trying to turn her mind back to the conversation.
"Why did you kiss me tonight?" he asked, mirroring her earlier abruptness. Her cheeks flushed as she avoided his eyes. His hand suddenly snapped out and nimble fingers caught her chin in a strong grip.
"Don't avoid me, Rey. Look at me" he ordered, and Rey felt her mouth go dry at the commanding tone. Ben the dominant. He raised her chin, though she still evaded his probing gaze.
"Look at me" he said lowly, and she found her eyes pulled magnetically to his. His lips quirked in the ghost of a smile.
"Good. Now, tell me, why did you kiss me if you don't see our future together"
"Curiosity?" she tried, suddenly sure she could never reveal her heart so brazenly.
"Try again" he said authoritatively. "You can't lie to me, Rey. I know you"
"It was my first kiss. I wanted it to be with you" she swallowed the words that revealed she wanted much more than that and looked at him defiantly. He studied her in silence, before stepping closer.
"How do you do that?" he whispered, his eyes roaming over her face, searching for a hint or clue to some unsolvable mystery.
"Do what?"
"Make me powerless, bring me to my knees with a look, bind me, blind me and gag me with your smile"
"I don't do any of those things"
"Not on purpose, which is what makes it all more terrifying. You have no idea of your power. It shines" his throaty whisper worked its way to her, and felt her need to touch him resurge.
Slowly she raised her hands to touch his fingers, still on her face. She then pushed her fingers up his arms, feeling the skin and muscle beneath as she went. He had gone still, incredibly so, with a repressed energy, like a storm gathering force before tearing outwards. She stepped closer, and he took a breath that wasn't entirely steady.
"How was your first kiss then?" he breathed, raising one finger to gently trace her lips. She leaned her head further into his touch, and pressed a kiss against his roughened fingertips.
"Unmatchable" she said, raising her eyes to his, her challenge bold and fearless, just like her.
"We'll see about that" he murmured, as his dark head bent to hers.
She'd always wonder later, what would have happened if the next few seconds had been different. There are points in your life that forever alter its course. Forks in the path you don't see coming, and once you have happened upon them, you can never find your way back to that original track.
For Rey, it was the sunlight falling through the mossy green canopy of the forest by Jacks cottage as she stared out the truck window at her new home. It was Finn's inquisitive brown eyes and flashing smile when he'd spoken to her outside the principal's office. It was the rough pattern of the chairs in child protective services in Queens, blue and grey check. It was the sound of complete silence from her mother's room and the pervasive feeling of wrongness.
Life turns on a dime.
And in that moment, where she was so close to Ben Solo that she couldn't imagine it might be the very last time she saw him. If someone had told her, that they would never stand together again, just Ben and Rey, planning a life together, she wouldn't have believed them.
And yet, it would have been true. That's the thing about those moments, you don't see them coming, and often you don't appreciate when they've passed. The ripples of consequences slowly spread over your life, and only later you can look back and pinpoint it… that was the moment it all changed.
A harsh bell cut through the dark and still room, pulling them both back. Ben blinked at her in confusion for a moment, before turning for the intercom. He picked up the phone to the concierge and spoke quickly. Rey saw a change come over his body, a tightening, creeping and stone like. He hung up and turned back to her. His face was paler than before.
"Ben, what's wrong, what's happened?" she asked, feeling dread start to form in her stomach.
"I have to go." He said, suddenly brisk, pushing past her into his room. She followed behind, watching him pull a t-shirt over his head.
"Why? What's going on?" he was panicking, she could see it, and as he made to pass her, she grabbed his hands and held them.
"Tell me!" she demanded. He avoided her eyes, practically vibrating with tension.
"It's Eliza. She's been calling me all day, and I haven't got back to her. She overdosed. She left a note, the hospital called the front desk," he said, and Rey left her heartbreak at the guilt on Ben's face.
"I'm so sorry, is she – is she going to be ok?" she asked.
"I don't know. I have to go" he said, prying her hands off his. He grabbed his jacket, picking up keys and his wallet.
"Take a taxi or something home tomorrow, ok? The front desk can call you one. Use the Solo account. They'll organise it all" he was saying, and Rey felt a building dread at the thought of him leaving.
"Ben!" she called as he opened the front door. He stopped on the threshold and looked back at her, the light from the hall illuminating the wild look on his face.
"It's not your fault" she said, and saw him flinch.
Wordlessly, he turned and pulled the door closed.
