There seemed to be blood. Everywhere. Had he tried to get out of bed to use the bathroom and yanked out the saline IV? Or fallen asleep and somehow twisted the tubing and dislodging the cannula?
Cuddy was asleep in the easy chair, taking a much-needed break as House seemed finally stable after spiking a fever. Finding him slightly dehydrated, they'd hooked him up to a saline drip and he seemed to be asleep at last.
Pauline had seen the blood from the doorway, returning after getting some supplies and grabbing a dinner tray for herself and Cuddy. Throwing the trays on the table, she ran to her patient. Blood was oozing freely from the vein where the IV had been placed and from three other deep slices on his arm. She hit the call button. "Need help in here, please. Dr. House." She was shouting his name, trying to arouse him, wondering if he'd lost enough blood to be in shock.
The noise woke Cuddy. "Get me that…" Pauline started, seeing Cuddy's alarm. Cuddy threw her a box of gauze bandages from a nearby shelf. "Bleeding's almost stopped. What the hell happened?"
House still had not wakened, even with all the fuss going on around him. Cuddy checked his vitals as Max appeared in the doorway with Dr. Croft. "He's not in sho…," Cuddy began as House opened his eyes slowly.
Pauline finished taping his left arm and started removing the bloody top sheet. "Leave it Pauline, for the moment, won't you? Let's let Dr. House wake up a bit. Why don't you and Dr. Cuddy go to the staff cafeteria and grab a bite," he suggested gesturing to the now forgotten lunch trays.
Cuddy glanced at Croft quickly. "I'd like to…"
"You can talk in a bit. Give me about 15 minutes, won't you?" Cuddy nodded toward him, knowing that she was being dismissed.
"Staff lounge is this way. I'm sorry I wasn't…"
"He was asleep. We both thought. I don't know…maybe he was. Maybe he…" Cuddy stopped, a lump in her throat. They both knew what probably happened in that brief moment when no one was looking. And there was very little chance that any of it was accidental. Except the not dying part.
"Has he ever…is there any reason to believe…?"
"It's hard to say. Has he simply not cared whether he was going to live or die? There have been those times over the years… Is there a difference? Maybe he was cutting himself…he's done that. To help with the pain. Once before when he was trying…when he was forced…to give up the pain meds. Look, Pauline. You go get something to eat. I'm not really hungry and I'd rather wait here to talk to Croft."
Croft waited for House to offer anything. An explanation, a word. Anything. Instead, House turned his head away, refusing to engage him at all. He knew it wouldn't really do any good. Yet… When he turned away from Croft there was Amber, simply smiling a knowing smile. "Just shut the fuck up," House yelled at her smile, willing it away. Her away, to no avail.
"Who are you talking to? Are you experiencing…?"
"You. It was a pre-emptive 'shut the fuck up.'" House's eyes were clamped shut against Amber's insipid smile. He would give a lot for Kutner to reappear in her place. Better yet, no one at all. He wanted to be left alone.
"Ahhh. So, what happened?" House laughed. It was hollow and mirthless.
"What do you think happened?" House was shivering again, a cold sweat covered his face and back; he wondered if he was going to pass out again, glancing quickly at the monitor to check his blood pressure. Low, but within normal range. No, it wasn't the blood loss, it was a new wave of withdrawal symptoms. Great.
"No. I don't know, so I'm not making assumption. I know what I think happened, but… So, why don't you tell me?"
"Go away. I know I have to be here, but nothing says I have to listen to your… Where's Cuddy?"
"How could you do that to her?" A different tack.
"Leave me the hell alone. Really."
"He's not going away. He'll probably sit there all day waiting for you to come clean, so you might as well tell him what he wants to hear," Amber cooed soothingly, now perched near his head. House opened his eyes, looking up at her, listening.
"Fine. I must've pulled out the IV line. That idiot nurse did a fine job of inserting it, especially in someone who's detoxing. I'm shaking like a fucking leaf in the wind; it was worse before; drowsy, not really paying attention. It fits."
"It might, but that's not what happened. How did such a small needle manage to randomly make such deep slices. I admit they're not very neat, I suppose anything is possible, but…"
"Look. What do you want me to say?" House turned in the bed, glaring at Croft, who was now sitting in a bedside chair. "That I pulled it out? That I tried…gosh darn it…really tried to reach my wrist, but my drug addled and detoxing brain prevented me from finding just the right vein? Is that better. Is that what you want to hear?"
"That's not what happened either." House hated this more than the detox. The wind knocked from his sails, House sunk back into the bed, his eyes closed against another wave of nausea. Croft saw it and handed him the emesis bowl.
House felt trapped; surrounded by Croft's quiet, unreadable calm and Amber's alternating taunts and soothing advice. And then there was Cuddy. Why in the hell had he even suggested that she come? To what? See him like this? Pity him? Mother him? Fuck that. "The pain had gotten much worse," he began almost to himself, so quiet was his voice, gravelly and parched. "I have found that cutt… that small incisions…," he corrected himself, keeping it clinical. "Small incisions, carefully placed can help…"
"You were cutting yourself." Croft made it sound pathetic, insane.
"No, I…" House lacked the energy to fight him on this. "Whatever," he said finally, giving up.
"Self mutilation isn't the answer. You know that, Dr. House."
"The endoprhins…"
"But they can't last. It's a fleeting treatment at best, and then what?"
"Look. Fine, whatever. So now you know. Can you just leave me alone now? Tell Cuddy she can go back to Princeton, too. Lock me up in the cooler, take away my milk and cookies. Just leave me the fuck alone."
Croft disappeared without another word as Cuddy returned followed by Max and Pauline. "Oh goody," House offered, sarcasm dripping like soured milk. "Gang's all here. Party time." Cuddy shot a glance at Max, gesturing for him to hold off a moment.
"House, they need to restart the IV in your other arm. Especially with the blood loss…" He studied Max warily, gauging why Cuddy felt the need to state the obvious to him.
"No. No restraints. You can't…"
"House, it's for your own protection, what if…"
"I won't." House mustered his most resolute voice, knowing it was but a feeble attempt.
"Not even you know if that's true. What if the pain gets bad enough; what if some voice in your head tells you…" She immediately saw the pain in his eyes, the hurt. "I'm sorry…I…I'm not saying…," but she could not seem to retrieve the words already spoken. The elephant in the room was now in plain sight.
"They can't force me to be in restraints. It was stupid, what I did. I won't try it again," he said, knowing it was something he couldn't really promise for sure.
"I'll see what I can do." House visibly relaxed, the tension abating at least a little. He didn't care what else they did to him; he would not allow them to shackle him to the bed. Never.
