"I'm sorry! I should have explained before all this, but I thought he already knew!" Ukraine knelt beside her trembling brother, patting his shoulder. "Come on, little brother, it's okay-"
"No! Keep your creepy baby-making parts away from me!" Russia wailed, pulling away from her.
"Actually, nations don't have babies, we just sort of appear. Birth is a mortal thing," Ukraine pointed out, hoping to calm him. It backfired.
"What? You mean we're supposed to do that thing when we don't HAVE to?" Russia went even paler. "Wait, did Prussia think I was trying to do that? No wonder hugging him all those times didn't cheer him up! And does Belarus expect me to- ugh!"
Ukraine looked at Canada. "Um, I should probably explain it properly now, shouldn't I?"
"Should I leave you alone, or shall I stay and help?" Canada asked. "He might feel better with another guy explaining."
"You'd do that?" Ukraine asked in surprise.
"I let my papa get him into this mess, it's the least I can do."
Russia, cuddling Kumajiro and still shuddering occasionally, listened intently to Canada.
"So, wait, you're telling me you're centuries old and you've never even masturbated?"
"Not that I've noticed." Russia looked down at his lap, worriedly. "Should I have done?"
"Damn, what a waste," Canada murmured.
"What?"
"Nothing. Might be something to do with the cold, but then I don't have that prob- ... uh, nevermind. Everything there works, right?"
"Oh, uh, yes. I just never really felt the need to do anything about it."
"I see. Well, nobody says you have to, but the option's there."
Russia calmed as Ukraine and Canada carefully explained everything from puberty to pregnancy in enough detail to be understandable without getting excessively technical. When they got onto contraception, Russia's eyes lit up. "Oh, so THAT'S what those rubber things are for! I always just used them for balloon animals." He looked uncomfortable as Canada and Ukraine tried not to giggle. "Wow, I feel silly now."
"It's okay, you couldn't know if nobody told you."
"I guess ... Oh. I just understood why everyone gets so uncomfortable when I ask them to become one with me. I think they're getting the wrong idea."
"Well, actually I was always more worried about you devouring us alive, but ..." Canada grinned uncomfortably.
"Why, would doing this with people help?"
"No, that kind of thing is frowned on somewhat."
"Why?"
Ukraine shifted in her seat. "The explanation's a bit complicated, but, well, remember that 'personal space' thing China tried to explain that time?"
"Oh, right."
