A/N: This chapter is Shelby and Rachel centered as requested.

TW: Self - harm. ED behaviors mentioned.

Edited December 2014

Chapter 8

After being released from a seventy-two hour hold in the psych ward, Rachel was more than happy to be going home. She had told the Doctor and her Mother that she didn't belong there. She had told them repeatedly that she wasn't trying to kill herself but they wouldn't listen. She had begged and pleaded, but they simply ignored her. So, for three days she was watched as she ate, showered and used the bathroom. It was hell to her. As soon as Shelby shut the engine of the car off, she was out of the car and into the house. She closed the door to her room and let herself flop back onto her bed. It was only two minutes later when Shelby pushed the door open and stepped into the room.

"Rachel...I'm not very comfortable with you spending too much time alone right now." Shelby said softly. Finding her daughter bleeding to death in the shower was haunting her. She couldn't stop thinking about what the Doctor had told her. The Doctor had told her that until Rachel started talking she would be a walking time bomb and at this rate it would only be a matter of time before she tried killing herself. She was going to take preventative action. Starting now. Without another word, she began pulling open drawers in the bedroom and finding blades hidden in between pieces of paper, taped to objects. She started tossing them in a bag.

Rachel's eyes grew comically wide in surprise and then narrowed in anger. "What the hell are you doing?!" She jumped off the bed and placed her hands on her hips.

Shelby sighed, but she didn't stop her current task. "I'm not going to live in denial and tell myself it was a time thing finding you bleeding to death in the shower. You won't talk and if I can keep you from hurting yourself until you do, then that's what I'm going to do."

"I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK YOU TO SAVE ME!" Rachel shrieked. The more hiding places for blades her Mother discovered the angrier she became. She felt her control being ripped away from her and it made her want to cut even more. She wasn't trying to kill herself that day, but she hadn't necessarily cared if she had died either.

"I'm your Mother, Rachel! I will save you whether you want to be saved or not!" Shelby said. She could see it, looking in Rachel's eyes, she knew. Her daughter wouldn't have cared if she had died. It cut her like a knife. "Please, baby give me a chance. Let me help you." She begged. Tears started to fall on their own accord.

Rachel had all these thoughts swimming around in her head. She felt all the feelings of resentment, anger and bitterness she had towards her Mother rise up to the surface. She preferred to deal with those instead. "Oh, I get it, now you're my Mother?! What is this all about Shelby? Why the fuck do you care so much? Do you feel guilty? Is that why you're still here? You didn't care before when you made me find out who you were and then you just walked away from me like I was a stranger! I fucking needed you then and you just walked away! How could you do that?! How could you just go?!" Rachel said while hot tears of anger streamed down her face.

Shelby had tears of her own flowing down her face. She knew it was a matter of time before it came out. She knew she hadn't been forgiven. "Rachel, baby, I know I keep saying it and I will continue to say it until you believe me. Baby, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you and no apology in the world can make up for that, but can't you give me a chance to be the Mother that you need now?" She asked, stepping closer to Rachel and wrapping her arms around her.

Rachel fought in her Mother's arms, desperately trying to break free. "No! You broke me! I-I hate you!" She cried.

Shelby just held on tighter. " Give me a chance to be your Mother. I know I'm the one who broke your heart, I didn't mean to. I know I did the unforgivable. Let me be the one to mend it. Please." She begged, kissing Rachel's forehead and cheek.

Rachel grabbed a fistful of her Mother's shirt and wailed. She didn't protest when she felt herself being picked up and placed on the bed.

For several minutes, maybe an hour - they said nothing. They just laid together, held onto each other and cried.

Rachel sighed and cleared her throat before speaking. "I want to forgive you. I want to have a real Mother/Daughter relationship with you, but I am scared. Because of our past, I'm going to wonder when you're going to leave me again for a while."

"I understand and I deserve it, but I will spend every minute that we're together of everyday proving to you that I'm here to stay." Shelby said, squeezing Rachel once more before getting up. She started looking for blades again. Every one she found was a reminder how much Rachel hated herself and it terrified her.

Rachel watched in silence as her Mother confiscated all the blades from her bedroom and her bathroom. When her Mother asked if she had anymore she lied and told her what she had found was all she had. There was no way in hell she would tell her Mother about the blade hidden in her phone cover. She had plans to use it as soon as Shelby went to bed.


"Rachel?" Shelby asked. She was sitting across from her daughter at the dinner table. She was halfway finished and she noticed Rachel hadn't eaten a thing. She was certain her daughter wasn't mentally in the same room. She placed her hand on top of her daughter's and frowned. Rachel's hands were like ice. "What are you thinking about?" She asked.

"Huh? Oh...uh nothing..." Rachel mumbled. She pushed her food around the plate and pulled her knees up into her chest. She was starting to withdraw into herself again. She wanted to run up the stairs and hide in her room, but she knew Shelby would follow her. She was trying to be "normal". Whatever that was. She was starting to detach from who her old self was. She felt like a stranger in her own skin. She didn't care about her singing. Food had lost its appeal. She didn't care about her grades. That one moment had changed her forever.

Shelby sighed. She wasn't going to force Rachel to talk about what happened. She knew how damaging that would be, but she was going to force her to eat. It had been ten days and she had hardly eaten a thing. She would be damned if she was just going to sit there and watch her daughter waste away. "Rachel, you need to eat." She said firmly.

Rachel's eyes snapped up and a hardened look settled on her face. "No!" She snapped, pushing the plate away from herself. She knew what her Mother was doing and she refused to go along with it. Couldn't her Mother see how fat she was? Didn't everyone? She saw it and she was determined to lose weight. Just a few pounds.

Shelby pushed the plate back in front of her. "This, my darling, is not up for discussion. Eat your dinner." She said. She would force feed her if she had to.

"I don't want to." Rachel whined. Why didn't her Mother understand she didn't deserve to eat?

"Rachel..." Shelby started but was interrupted.

Anger rose up almost out of nowhere. She jumped out of her chair so fast it tipped over. " You eat it! I can't! I'm fat! Can't you see how disgusting and fat I am?! I don't deserve to eat!" Rachel shouted. She felt her heart pounding in her chest and she had the urge to just punch someone in the face. She was starting to scare herself. She couldn't believe her own lack of control. Her sudden outburst made her feel ashamed. She turned away from Shelby and raced up the stairs, slamming the door behind her. She slid down the wall to the floor and started crying.

Shelby sat with sobs shaking her entire body. She didn't know what to do. She placed her face in her hands and let herself fall apart. She blamed herself. After a few minutes of breaking down she pulled herself together. She would not give up. She got up to go check on Rachel when the door rang. She glanced at the staircase, before going to see who would be at the door this time of night. She looked through the peephole to see Quinn shuffling nervously. She looked into the mirror by the door and checked herself over, wiping away traces of tears. She unlocked the door and slightly opened it. "Good evening Quinn, It's kind of late..." She said.

"I know and I'm sorry, but Coach Sylvester kept us in a super long practice." Quinn explained.

"I see...Well, Rachel isn't up for company at this time. Try again tomorrow maybe. Drive safely." Shelby said, getting ready to shut the door.

Quinn reached out and stopped the door with her hand and pulled an envelope out of her pocket with her free hand. "Could you give this to her for me?" She asked. She knew it was cowardly, giving the letter to the object of her love's Mother instead of giving her the letter herself, but she didn't think she could go through with giving Rachel the letter herself. The content of the letter was part apology and all feeling. She just wanted Rachel to know what she felt for her. Even if she didn't feel the same way.

Shelby accepted the letter with a small smile. "I'll give it to her. Good night, Quinn." She said, before closing the door.

Quinn sighed, turned away and headed for her car. She looked up and could have sworn she saw Rachel standing in the window or maybe that was what she wanted to see. She got into her car and drove away.


While Shelby had been downstairs talking with Quinn, Rachel took the opportunity to give into to her urges. She locked herself in her bathroom, pulled off her hoodie, retrieved her blade from its hiding place and carved "FAT" into her arm. She smiled as she watched the blood bubble up to the surface before it spilled over and splattered into the sink. She was riding her high and reveling in it so deeply she didn't hear her Mother enter her bedroom. Nor did she hear her unlock the door and push it open.

Shelby froze, dropped the letter in her hand. She looked at the sink painted red for a moment before rushing over and grabbing Rachel's arm. "Rachel! Oh my God! Why did you do this?" She cried. Rachel was trying to pull her arm free.

"Because I am fat! I'm ugly! It's all my fault! I deserved it! It's my fault!" Rachel cried, throwing herself to the floor. She pulled her knees to her chest and started rocking herself. She just wanted to disappear. She went silent.

Shelby got down on the floor with her and pulled her into her lap. "That's not true baby. You're beautiful. You are not fat. You absolutely did not deserve what happened. No one ever deserves this." She stood up, picked her daughter up and placed her on the counter, "Don't move." She ran into her bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit and ran back into Rachel's bathroom. She rinsed the drying blood, slathered on some ointment, closed them with butterfly strips and wrapped the injury in gauze. She placed a kiss over the bandage then rinsed out the sink before picking Rachel up and carrying her to her room and laying her on her bed. She changed Rachel into some pajamas and then changed herself before climbing into bed with her, pulling her against her. "Sleep baby." She said, kissing her forehead.

"I'm sorry Mommy." Rachel whispered before drifting off.

"I know baby. I'm not mad at you. I'm not giving up on you. I love you Rachel." Shelby said. Though her heart melted hearing Rachel call her "Mommy" she could only focus on the fact that maybe things were only going to get harder before they started to get better. She was preparing herself. She wasn't going to lose her daughter to her self-hatred. 'I will win.' She told herself before falling into a deep sleep.