Camp Chitaqua

Author: Cheryl W.

Disclaimer: I do not own Dean, Sam or any rights to Supernatural, nor am I making any profit from this story.

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Chapter 8: What Ifs

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Cas knows how much Dean loves his brother, had had a ring side seat to the cost of that love. So he's sure it's going to come: Dean's breakdown. Dean's raging against Sam's choice, against the roles they were picked to play. Dean on the verge of giving in, giving up, of saying his own "Big Yes".

So he watches him, tries to predict the moment when Dean comes apart, when it's too much, knowing Sam's betrayed everything and everyone by saying yes. Knows Dean's depreciatively and calm utterance of "Well, I guess that decides it. Even if I wanted to be the weak link, give in, I can't now," isn't going to be the last word on the subject.

And yet…it is.

Dean doesn't mention it, goes on with life as normal here in the end of times. Like his heart's not been set on fire, his faith hasn't been soiled, his love seemingly rejected.

But nothing hurtful ever stays buried.

It's a game, some lame way to pass the time. Was Cas's idea and he's kicking himself for it now. Seemed harmless enough, word association, talk about what you'd do if the apocalypse ended that very second. Stuff of what-ifs. But when the newest recruit talked about his brother, that if it were all over, he'd scourge the country for his brother, Cas knows there's nothing harmless about what-ifs.

Looks to Dean immediately, sees the clench in Dean's jaw, watches as their "fearless leader" slowly gets off the floor, shakes off Cas' hand when it reaches for him. No one even takes much notice of Dean's restrained departure, just him…and Chuck, the only two people in the camp who even know Dean has a brother, let alone what that brother's done.

It just takes Chuck's worried glance for Cas' suppression of his own concern to bubble over and his departure isn't as controlled as Dean, is more frantic and causes a stir and silence to fall. Cas hears Chuck's voice putting the group back to the game at hand, to ignore the fact that two of their number have vacated the premises with some haste.

Dean's caught up in memories, memories of the times when he was lost or Sam was, when they moved heaven and earth to find each other. Sam found him when he was about to be Scarecrowed, he found Sam when the Benders took him. Even when they didn't want the other to find them, didn't want the darkest parts of themselves jerked into the light: him when was torturing Alistair, Sam when he was slumming it with Ruby.

They found each other, saved each other, that's just what they did….or had done. 'But that's never happening again.' Because the time for him to shelf his pride and find Sam…was over now, snatched away, decided away. This was the new world order and when he found Sam…it wouldn't be to rescue him, it would be to kill him.

He senses the presence behind him a second before Cas speaks. "Dean, we don't know for sure that Sam said yes."

Spinning, Dean slams Cas against the nearest tree, hissing menacingly into his face. "Don't talk about him! Don't say his name! Ever! Ever!" Then he shoves away, leaves a shaken Cas behind.

And another memory hits Dean, this one very old, of shouting nearly the same words to Sam about their mother. Of storming out of the motel room, leaving his nine year old brother stunned and alone. And how did Sam pay him back for his hissy fit…he gave him the friggin' amulet. Returned his cruelty with kindness.

It's almost inconceivable to imagine that kid, his Sam agreeing to be evil incarnate, to be the final straw that decimated the world. To break his big brother's heart with just the utterance of one small word: Yes.

'He did and the sooner you get that through your head, the better. Because it's not changing, he can't change, he made his decision…and now your choice is clear. You have to kill him or die trying.' It isn't a proud moment, isn't a true warrior's mindset that the 'die trying' part appeals to him the most.

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It's dark by the time he gives up his restless walk around the camp, enters his cabin. One step in and he pulls his gun, spins on his heel and nearly shoots Chuck in the head.

"Whoa, whoa! I'm a friendly! I'm a friendly!" Chuck hurriedly shouts, hands raised as he steps from the dark corner into the light offered by the moon.

Lowering his gun, Dean exclaims, "Crap, I almost killed you. You do know we're in the middle of the friggin' war to end all wars, that sneaking into people's rooms can get you dead."

"I do now," Chuck undertones, letting his hands fall to his side.

"What do you want? Let me guess, you want us to scout around for hand sanitizers tomorrow, no…steak. Why not world peace while you're asking for the impossible," Dean caustically teases his quartermaster.

Ignoring Dean's snit, Chuck says what he came there to say. "Whatever he did…or didn't do…it was for you."

Dean does a slow boil, knows Chuck's talking about Sam, Sam's choice. "You want to walk away, right now," his tone quiet but as deadly as they come.

Chuck isn't a fool, understands that he is risking bodily harmed and yet, he can't leave, can't let Dean think the worst of his brother. "When you first met me, when Sam was willing to go up against Lilith in that motel room…he was doing it for you."

Pointing a finger at Chuck, Dean snarls, "You don't have any archangels protecting you anymore so shut up!"

Throwing caution to the wind, Chuck steps toward Dean instead of away from him. "He said you always protected him, that it was time he protected you. Every time he risked his life….I mean, really, really risked it, heart and soul…it always was to save you."

Dean drew a sharp inhale because Chuck would know, had insight into them, their thoughts, his and Sam's, too much insight. Would know Sam's thoughts when he hooked up with Ruby, drank her blood, went after Lilith for revenge.. 'for what was done to me.' And if it's the truth, that Sam might have said the 'Big Yes' out of some notion of protecting him…even after he had left him, forsook him, it cripples Dean. "What am I supposed to do with that, Chuck?" he hoarsely poses, because if it's true, it makes everything so much worse, what Sam did, what he'll have to do to Sam in the end.

And that is the question of the hour, what Chuck doesn't know and he says as much. "I don't know…just…wherever he is, whatever he is, there's a part of him missing you too." That he unquestioningly knows. Reaching out, he gives Dean's shoulder a reassuring squeeze before he leaves the man to his solitude.

Dean's not sure if he wants to threw something or cry, ends up digging a worn picture from the bottom of his duffle bag, stares at it a long time…before he sits it on the window still, the window he looks out of every morning as he brushes his teeth, readies himself for another day of hell on earth.

Wonders if there's still some part of Sam that would find it funny or annoying that he's hung onto a mocked up ID of his, the one that claims Sam's a "Panty Inspector" and has a picture of Sam sporting his lawyer expression, the one where he's trying to be so serious and just looks like he's lining up for a mug shot. But it's a good memory, Sam realizing he's claiming to be from the CDC while he's unknowingly been flashing a gag ID that Dean bought at a souvenir shop in Wildwood and slapped Sam's picture on. Course, Sam gave him that exasperated look, used that high annoyed tone…was the kid brother Dean loved more than life.

Suddenly, Dean breaks his own rule. "Sammy," comes out of him as an affectionate, desolate sob as he wishes his brother was there with him, that he was with Sam, that wherever they were, they were together.

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TBC

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Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Ok, there's not a lot of happy thoughts going on in the camp at the moment..or the foreseeable future. With the circumstances surrounding Dean, it's no wonder. I just hope my fast posting helps you all decide to stick with the story though. My plan is to have most or all of the story posted before the end of this month unless people really lose interest, then I might decide to just skip some chapters and wrap things up even sooner. Honestly, I am hoping that doesn't happen because I'm kinda attached to this little AU world I have going on here.

Have a great day!

Cheryl W