Author Note: Today we get a long chapter. This involves the dinner and the immediate time after it. I won't say anything more.

Start of Chapter.

Kaga sits on the floor in front of his mirror, trying to keep his perfect and practically space-aged suited from getting creased, as I attempt to put his drying hair into some kind of order. I'm hoping that by washing the gel-come-glue out of his locks they'll fall naturally and nicely around him, but it seems that some of the gel has leaked into the very essence of his hair and is making it harder than I had envisioned. I found Kaga's largely neglected hairbrush buried under a pile of 'manly' beauty products he's bought and started attacking his head several minutes ago, but his hair is only just starting to obey my orders. Evidently, in order to get his impressive spikes, Kaga orders to have his hair layered as well when it's cut and dyed its particular shade of deep red. So when effectively flattened, it falls nicely and frames his rather impressive face. It's longer than I thought it would be, too. While it's a halo of red spikes usually, it can reach a few inches below his shoulders too. It seems to float around him, so I pause a moment to admire it, then put down the hairbrush.

Giving Kaga's hair one last stroke with both my hands, I then touch him on the shoulder to get his attention. It seems somewhere through the hair-taming process, he closed his eyes, a composed look on his face that's slightly unfamiliar. I could have spoken to get his attention, but the silence that had been building in the room has smothered any compulsion to speak. It doesn't seem right, somehow.

The quiet man below me opens his almost orange eyes and stares up at me in the mirror with some strange expression I can't quite name. It reminds me of the deep look Hikaru used to get about Go. It seems like he's staring up into the conclusion of an uncertain dream. Something that he wants, though getting it would be hard. I never quite expected anyone to use that expression on me, one with such desperation and need.

A hand reaches slowly up, like a person taming a disgruntled animal, and gently but firmly pulls me down and into his lap. I don't know why I don't protest. Kaga holds me close, face buried in my shoulder and breath whistling warm over my neck. He holds me almost too tight.

"You're a fucking idiot."

Kaga sucks in a deep breath, like a hound getting a scent after telling me this, and I can see that his eyes are shut again. His hand starts to compulsively but a little too firmly pet my hair.

"I love you, you fucking idiot, and you don't even know. Fuck, I love you."

Everything goes still and silent for a terrifying moment inside my mind though Kaga's insistent petting continues, like my blood has stopped pumping. That might be the reason why I suddenly feel like my brain's wrapped in cotton.

I think I must have made some form of noise, because I can feel Kaga's chest jumping against my shoulder with silent laughter in reply to it. The world slowly starts again, but with all the sense of reality and movement as a merry-go-round.

"Sorry buddy, that scare ya?"

Kaga pries himself away from me and turns me in his lap to face him. He gives me a weary, sad but somehow warm smile.

Realising that he's waiting for me to say something, anything, I give my head a slight shake to try and clear the mental fog.

"Not as much as you calling me 'buddy' does."

He chuckles again, which I am starting to believe is a nervous reaction. An unconscious effort to relieve tension.

His hand reaches up and absently tucks some of my fringe behind an ear. "Whoops. Shoulda guessed it would take more than a confession from your best friend to throw this man off."

I mock scowl. "Who said you were my best friend?"

Kaga quirks an eyebrow. "Who else do you hang out with?"

It's remarkable, how simple Kaga makes pinning me down look. He somehow manuvers me from his lap onto lying on the ground, climbs onto me and starts sliding a hand up the inside of my legs without so much as batting an eyelid or giving me time to react.

I try my best not to squirm, because I know he'll tease me mercilessly if I do.

"Kaga, you're going to ruin your hair."

"You can fix it later."

"You're going to crease your suit."

"I'll get changed."

"Kaga, the doorbell just rang. And if you tell me they can wait I'll lock you in the bathroom like a bad puppy till it's over."

Kaga grins ferally.

"Lock me in and I'll call security and have you an' your Go buddies dumped out on the street."

I grin back, and the emotion that accompanies the expression makes me believe it's probably just as feral.

"Do that, and I'll move back in with my parents."

The doorbell rings again and I wriggle for freedom, highlighted with a snicker at the look of chagrin on my best friend's face.

I head quickly out of the bedroom to welcome the first guest, and wonder briefly if Kaga noticed that I never told him how I felt.


I find myself between a rock and an equally hard place.

On my left is Ogata, the pale-haired, stoic, rising Go star. He makes me, as I'm sure he does for many, feel uncomfortable. I'm not the best person to host a social event, mostly because I just can't seem to engage in idle chatter without feeling like a complete and utter idiot. I can't talk about his last Go tournament without sounding like a hopeless fan (though I am), I can't ask what he thinks about the other outstanding players as they're sitting at the same table. Talking about the weather sounds pitiful, and he doesn't seem like the type to strike up conversation on his own with a complete stranger. So I'm stuck feeling like I should be somehow engaging his attention, but with what I have no idea. I take a wild stab in the dark.

"So, Ogata-san, are you seeing anyone?"

"Not currently, no."

He sips from his wine glass and gives me the sort of appraising look that makes me want to climb the curtains to escape his scrutiny.

"Why do you ask?"

I'm halfway through mentally screaming 'oh Christ no, that's not what I meant!' and stammering a weak reply when Kaga, sitting on my right, abandons his taunting of Mitani long enough to lean deliberately forward past me and deliver the poor Go player a look that would make Touya Akira shudder in fear, from the wrath that it implies.

Part of me is relived that Ogata wisely takes this as advice to step back from the batting plate, but another part of me, the remarkably small 'manly' part of me is getting annoyed that Kaga should be so obviously staking his claim on me.

I elbow Kaga firmly in the ribs, adjust my glasses with my other hand, then attempt to smile apologetically. "Have you met my friend Tetsuo Kaga?"

Still leaning possessively past me, Kaga sticks out a hand. The two shake hands and mutter the usual formalities, but from the mulish expressions and white knuckles both are sporting, I gather that they aren't quite as happy to meet each other as they claim.

Withdrawing their hands, Kaga casually but calculatingly drapes an arm over the back of my chair. Conversation has dropped to a murmur around us, and I think people are trying not to watch as the two on either side of me duel it out to see who has the most testosterone.

"So, how do you know Tsutsui-san?"

Kaga shrugs hugely behind me, as I can feel his jacket shift up and down against my back. "We've been friends for years. Isn't that right, Hikaru?"

Opposite Ogata, Hikaru's mouth opens then closes again at suddenly being introduced into a conversation that would be better off not occurring, then finally answers "uh, yeah. If you count the taunting and planning to throw him in the…"

"Thanks for your input, Hikaru."

Ogata looks slowly between Hikaru, who is trying to avoid his gaze, me, sitting mortified and stone-still in my seat, and Kaga, simmering behind me.

"I see."

Propping his chin up on one fist, Ogata slowly twirls his wine glass, the personification of a cat watching its prey.

"I gather you two are close, then?"

Kaga seems to hesitate for a moment, then says with bravado, "if you must know, we're lovers."

Conversation dies altogether.

It takes a few moments to retain my cool, then I shrug my shoulders in an attempt to remove Kaga.

"Thank you for revealing that." I stand and start to gather the dishes, my mind working furiously to come up with some form of damage-control.

"Please excuse my friend here, he gets any alcohol in his system and his mouth runs away with itself and his sense of appropriate timing."

The low chuckle this earns from around the table reassures me that I've managed to circumvent a potentially disastrous event, but that doesn't stop the cold burn of fury in my chest. Flicking Kaga harder than necessary in the forehead, I head towards the kitchen.

"I'll deal with you later, dear."

This earns another chuckle, one filled with sympathy.

Mitani and Akari were the first to leave, sadly, as their company was good, but expecting their first child sometime soon, Mitani insisted on leavingbefore tento get his wife to bed. His doting on her is adorable. The others started to drift out after that, Hikaru and Akira being the last to leave, as we linger over coffee and a few traditional Japanese sweets which involve a little too much red bean paste for my taste, but no doubt looked thoroughly impressive.

Checking the time, Akira grimaces, then finishes the remaining dredges of his coffee.

"I'd love to stay longer, but I have a conference tomorrow morning, so I need all the sleep I can get."

Beside him, Hikaru makes a long-suffering expression and rolls his eyes, clawing at the sky.

"I wonder how many rabid middle-aged ladies will ask to have your baby this time?"

Trying not to smile, Akira stands and stacks his teacup in his partner's.

"They do it to you, too."

"You they've picked as husband material. Me, they just want to rape." The two-toned pro drawls in reply, gathering their coats and handing Akira's to him.

Everyone chuckles, and I hold out my hand to Akira.

"Thanks for coming tonight. You two were a big help with the set up of this as well. Good luck on not getting raped tomorrow."

Akira smiles and shakes my hand, then I move across and do the same to Hikaru. Kaga stays back, which is a wise move on his part.

"Well, if that fateful day ever comes, I'll make sure you get the exclusive."

"I can see the headline now: Handsome Homosexual Go Player Raped by Desperate Housewife."

Absently cuffing his lover around the head, Akira heads out the door.

"It was a good evening. You did well, circumstances aside."

We all wave, then the door shuts between Kaga and I and polite society.

The pleasant mask drops, and I head instantly for the bedroom and start repacking my bag.

"What're you doing?" Kaga asks from the doorway, voice laced with confusion.

"It's been a long night. I think I'll head home and hit the sack."

Kaga enters the room behind me, and I can hear his footsteps on his plush carpet, the silence after this is so deep.

"Why not just stay here?" he asks, rubbing his hands up and down my shoulders to try and work the tension out.

I am way past a massage healing things over. I shrug his hands off and pick up my bag.

"Now why would I do that?"

"Because –"

Kaga stops abruptly and I can almost hear the gears in his head grind into action.

"Fuck, what have I done now?"

I head out of the bedroom and back down the hallway towards the door.

"That's a good question. What have you done? Why don't you clue me in on that one, Kaga dearest?"

I can hear him hurrying to catch up to me, but I honestly don't care.

"Tsui, talk to me goddamnit!"

The desperation in his voice only makes me start moving faster, and soon we're both running for the door, me trying to escape, him trying to catch me before I can.

A hand closes firmly around my wrist and refuses to leg go, though I buck wildly. He yanks me back and a noise somewhat like a hiss escapes my lips as I push away again.

He grabs for my bag and soon we've descended into tug-o-war over my luggage.

"Tsui! Why're you acting like this!" Kaga yells, tugging again and making me almost stumble forward.

I pull again harder.

"What the hell did you think you were doing, claiming my ass like that! You practically ruined the evening!"

Kaga wraps a second hand around the handle and pulls again, heels digging into the carpet.

"I only did it cuz that slimeball was hitting on you!"

"I don't need you sticking up for me! I'm perfectly capable of doing things alone!"

"I want people to know, okay! I'm proud! There, I'm sorry, I'm proud to have you!"

I left go of the handles as Kaga gives an almighty haul and he stumbles back and lands heavily on the ground. My suitcase collides with the coffee table.

I'm speaking before I even realise what I'm saying.

"You don't have me, Kaga, I'm not a possession! Christ, you just suddenly dump all these feels on me, then expect me to fall at your feet! That alpha male shit almost ruined everything! Not just the evening, but my job, Kaga. My dream!"

My eyes fog over beneath my glasses.

"As a reporter I have to talk to these people! These people you just embarrassed me in front of! What the hell am I supposed to do if word of our quarrel reaches my boss and I'm fired? I'm barely surviving as it is! If I lose my job I lose everything! This job is something that I've always wanted! "

Kaga looks like I've just kicked him in the ribs. My heart is pounding, my chest hurts, my eyes are tearing up and brain is tying itself in knots. I've lost the reins. I've said too much. I can't take it back. Christ, I wish I could take it back …

Shock starts to tingle in my limbs, sucks out all of my rage.

"Tsu…" he starts, voice hoarse, "you know I'd take care of you, if that happened…"

The anger is gone from me, but the hollow that remains is no better.

My voice sounds distant and quiet to me, though I am thinking about what I say now. Too much. It suddenly becomes horribly clear to me, why I can't tell him how I feel. I don't want to sacrifice and cross that terrifying abyss to commitment. I can't. It scares me more than anything else possibly could.

"I don't want you to support me, Kaga. I won't be content fixing your bento for you every morning like a good little housewife. I'm a male. I want my own life. I need it. Otherwise I'm nothing. "

I leave the apartment in a haze of muted panic, fear, resignation, sadness… all the emotions I can think of, rolled into a ball of constantly twisting confusion. I somehow find my way into the elevator and end up sitting heavily in a corner for the long trip down, before I realise that I've left my shoes, most of my clothes and my keys in Kaga's apartment. But I can't go back for them. I don't have the courage to, after saying what I did. Realising everything that I have.

I close my eyes and try to will it all away.

Author's Note: Whoopies. I didn't actually intend for things to go that abysmally wrong. And here we all were, thinking that Kaga's finally confessed and the world will now be filled with sunshine, roses and regular sex. But it's not that easy. Try not to flame me, ne? Sad endings depress the crap out of me, so I generally try to avoid them. But that doesn't mean I can't throw in a big ol' pile of angst in the middle, now does it? Here's something to dwell on whilst I get around to writing the next chapter, where's Tsutsui gonna crash for the night?